CHAPTER 4: JOANNA'S CONFESSION

“ROSE…”

“RUBY ROSE…”

“Ha?” Nagtaas ng ulo si Ruby Rose nang kalabitin siya ng kanyang kapatid na katabi niyang nakaupo habang kumakain sila ng hapunan. Tiningnan niya ito habang nakakunot ang noo.

Nang ilinga niya ang mga mata palibot sa kanilang dining table ay nakita niya nakatingin sa kanya ang mga kasama. Her mother and father and her two siblings.

Hindi niya gustong lumabas ng kuwarto niya kanina pero wala siyang magagawa. Iyon ang unang beses na nabuo silang pamilya sa harap ng hapag simula nang umalis siya.

“What’s wrong? Kanina ka pa tinatawag ng mama mo. You don’t like the food?” Malcolm asked.

Napatingin siya sa kanyang mga magulang at ngumiti. “It’s just jetlag, Dad.” Niyuko niya ang kanyang pagkain na kaunti lang ang nabawas. Hindi niya napansin kaninang nakatulala siya roon at nilaro-laro lang ng kutsara. Sumubo siya ng pagkain kahit na para bang babara iyon sa kanyang lalamunan.

Tahimik siyang nagpasalamat nang makumbinsi niya ang mga ito. “How’s school?” tanong niya sa mga kapatid upang ibaling sa mga ito ang pansin ng mga magulang.

Hindi sana siya lalabas ng kuwarto kanina pero tinawag siya ng ama. He wanted them to eat dinner together. Kailangan pa niyang gumamit ng makeup upang takpan ang pamamaga ng kanyang mata.

She was not okay. When they reached home from the airport, she immediately excused herself and went to her room. Ni hindi niya magawang magpaalam at magpasalamat kina Russel at Joanna. She didn’t have the energy to face the two of them after what she learned.

Hindi niya maalala kung paano sila nakarating sa bahay ng mga magulang niya. Ni wala siyang lakas para magtanong. But even though she won’t ask them, she knew. Hindi siya tanga para hindi malaman na engage si Russel sa kanyang kaibigan. It all make sense to her. Ang hindi pagsagot ni Joanna sa kanyang messages at text, ang pagkailang nito habang nasa airport sila at sa loob ng sasakyan. She felt betrayed and it hurts so much.

Nakatulog siya habang umiiyak at nang magising ay unti-unti siyang nakaramdam ng galit. Was it too much for Joanna to tell her that she was marrying Russel? Hindi man lang ito nagsabi sa kanya na may namamagitan na pala sa mga ito. She was kept in the dark the whole time and she felt like a fool.

Maraming katanungan ang nasa loob kanyang isipan. Pero hindi siya siguro kung kakayanin ba niyang harapin si Joanna. She didn’t want to hate her best friend.

Pakiramdam niya ay iyon na yata ang pinakamahabang dinner na naranasan niya. Hindi niya magawang maging masaya ng lubos sa pag-uwi. She felt so bad for her parents and siblings who were ecstatic to see her again, she could not match their happiness.

Nang makabalik sa kanyang silid ay dinampot niya ang kanyang cellphone. Nakuyom niya ang kamao at napabuntung-hininga ng malalim nang mabasa ang text ni Joanna sa kanya. She wanted to talk to her and texted her the time and place.

Initsa niya ang cellphone sa kama na muntik nang mahulog. Niyakap niya ang kanyang unan habang nakahiga at nakatitig sa ulan sa labas. Makalakas ang kutob niya na hindi magiging maganda ang kahihinatnan ng gagawin nilang pag-uusap.

NAKAUPO SILA sa magkabilang gilid ng bench sa park kung saan sila nagkita ni Joanna. Ilang minuto na silang nakaupo roon, tahimik, at tila walang gustong magsalita. Natatakot siya, pakiramdam niya’y tila may bombang sasabog sa kanyang mukha.

She trusted her with all her life, she told her all her secrets and problems. She loved her.

“We used to go here. Dito tayo tumatambay pagkatapos ng klase,” basag ni Joanna sa katahimikan.

“Yeah,” bahaw na aniya.

Inilibot niya ang mga mata sa park na palagi nilang pinupuntahan noong elementary at highschool sila. Ang dami nilang ala-ala doon. Ang bench na kinauupuan nila ay nasa ilalim ng puno, ang yabong na nito kaysa sa huli niyang naalala.

“Those were good times,” pabulong na ani ni Joanna.

“Then, why?” mariing tanong niya habang kuyom ang kamao. “Why did you hide it from me? Do you take me for a fool?” Puno ng hinanakit ang kanyang boses.

Nilinga niya si Joanna na nakayuko sa kandungan nito.

“I hate you,” anito. “I hate you even before the very first time I met you.”

Hindi niya alam kung paano ipa-process ang katotohanang iyon kaya nanatili siyang tahimik at hinayaan ang kaibigan na magsalita.

“My parents told me to be friends with you, so I did, I approached you first in kindergarten. They enrolled me in the same school you go to since then. You should be as gracious, elegant and pretty like Ruby Rose. You should be friendly like Ruby Rose. Kailangan mas magaling ka sa school kaysa kay Ruby Rose. My parents always told me those things. Gusto nilang maging malapit tayo dahil sa parents mo, my parents wanted connection. They also wanted me to be close to you because in that way, I could observe you closely at sa ganoong paraan ay alam ko kung paano kita malalampasan.” Bahaw na tumawa si Joanna. “I hate my parents for always telling me what to do. I hate everyone. I was always being compared to you and I hated you for it, you were always better at most things than me in my parents’ eyes.”

“I hate the fact that you were so obsessed with a man. I couldn’t understand you. But I always listen to your complaints, sa tuwing nasasaktan ka o sa tuwing kinikilig ka kahit na hindi ko gustong makinig. Palagi kong iniisip na sinasayang mo lang ang buhay mo dahil sa isang lalaki. You were pathetic and stupid. When he rejected you seven years ago, I thought you deserved it. And when you left the country, I was so happy. I could finally breathe.”

“You… You…” Hindi niya matuloy ang gustong sabihin. Gusto niya itong sumbatan pero pinigilan niya ang sarili. Sandali niyang ipinikit ang mga mata ng mariin upang ikalma ang damdamin habang mahigpit na nakakuyom ang mga kamay. “You were so concern about me being lonely in a foreign country, was all of that a lie?”

“Oh, that? I wanted you to stay there forever, that’s why I told you to have some fun, go out and make some friends.”

“You push me to accept Leny’s offer because you wanted me to make a career in Brooklyn, that way I won’t have time to go home,” Ruby Rose said bitterly.

“Yes,” Joanna cruelly confirmed.

“Do you even consider me as your friend?” tanong niya na puno nang hinanakit.

“I don’t know.”

“You’re cruel,” aniya na hindi napigilan ang pagpatak ng mga luha. Marahas niya iyong pinahiran ng mga daliri at pinigilan sa pagpatak. “Then why Russel?”

“I couldn’t understand your obsession with him, and I wanted to know why, so when you left, I started to observe him. I didn’t even realize that I am talking to him more often. Then I went college and eventually had my internship at our family’s business. Your family and mine had a project together, he and I both participated in that project and because of that, we became closer. At some point, I realized why you are so obsess with him na kahit na nasa Brooklyn ka ay tinatanong mo pa rin siya sa akin at hindi mo parin makalimutan.

“And then I thought that if I could have him, I can prove than I am better than you. I could have the man you couldn’t have no matter how hard you try.”

Hindi niya napigilan ang sarili at nasampal si Joanna. “How dare you!”

Sinapo nito ang pisngi at ngumiti na parang wala sa sarili. Hindi niya matukoy kung dahil ba iyon sa awa, galit, o pang-uuyam. “I win, Ruby Rose, I caught the man you failed to catch. He even told me he likes me when we decided to get married. At first, I only want him because I want to prove that I am better than you, but right now, I am starting to feel something for Russel. Hindi ko siya gustong bitawan.”

“Naririnig mo ba ang sarili mo, Joanna? You are as obsess as I am. You are obsess in proving yourself kahit na wala ka naming kailangan patunayan.”

“You shouldn’t have come back here,” Joanna said, as if she didn’t hear what she said to her.

“Leave,” sabi niya habang sapo-sapo ang ulo. “Leave before I do something I might regret.”

Nanginginig ang kanyang kamay na nakatakip sa kanyang mukha nang makaalis si Joanna. She was crying because of pain and anger. “Fuck! I hate this.”

Twenty years, twenty years silang magkakilala ni Joanna at naging matalik na kaibigan. Well, at least on her part, she considered Joanna her best friend. Pero hindi man lang nito alam kung tinuring ba siya nitong kaibigan. Mas gugustuhin pa niyang oo o hindi ang sagot nito.

She went inside the car she parked nearby. Nahahapong sumandig siya sa headrest at ipinikit ang mga mata. Hindi niya alam kung gaano siya katagal nanatili roon.

Nang kaya na niyang magdrive at makalma ng bahagya ang damdamin ay pinaandar niya ang sasakyan at pumasok sa pinakaunang bar na nakita niya na bukas na.

She badly needed a drink.

“Hey.”

Sinulyapan niya ang babaeng lumapit sa kanya. Nakapatong ang mga braso nito sa counter habang tinitingnan ang kanyang mukha. Her hair was styled short and it was colored with blue and violet. She had piercings on her nose and her ears, and she had tattoos on her body.

“Hi,” bati niya pabalik.

“You alone?”

“Yeah.”

“So, any chances you’re into girls? Wanna hook up me with me?” the woman asked while grinning at her.

“No,” she answered flatly.

“Aww, what a shame.”

“I don’t need a hook up, what I badly need is someone to talk to.”

Akala niya ay aalis na ito pero imbis na gawin iyon ay umupo ito sa kanyang tabi at kumuha ng maiinom.

“Okay, what happened? You look like someone who has something going on,” the woman said.

Bumuntung-hininga siya bago nagsalita. She badly needed someone to talk to, or just someone who could listen to her. Naisip niyang mabuti na rin na ito ang makausap at mapaglabasan ng sama ng loob dahil hindi niya ito makikita muli pagkatapos ng gabing ‘yon. “There’s a man I know—”

“Of course, there’s a man involve,” she cut her off and rolled her eyes.

“Will you listen or not?” she snapped.

The woman laughed. “So, what happened to him?”

“I did something… something very stupid seven years ago because of that man. The people who know about what I did is that man, me and my best friend. I couldn’t handle my stupidity so I went to the states and live there. I just got back here yesterday because that man is getting married.”

“Wait,” pigil muli nito sa sasabihin niya. “Let me guess… He is marrying the best friend?”

Ruby Rose smiled bitterly, it confirmed the woman’s assumption. “I just talked to my friend a while ago, she confessed that she hated me ever since we met. She didn’t understand why I am obsessing over that man; she think I was stupid. When I left, she tried to find the reasons why I am obsessing with him. They got closer and she thought that if she gets him, it would make her a better woman than I am. And that she would surpass me. Oh god, I am not even competing with her.” She laughed bitterly. “I trusted her with everything.”

“What a bitch!”

“So, what can you advise me?”

“Hmm,” anito at tila nag-iisip. “Do you want him?”

“I…” Ano nga ba ang gusto niya? Did she still want him? What did she want him to be in her life? Ang alam lang niya ay nasasaktan siya ngayon dahil ikakasal na ito at dahil sa mga inamin ni Joanna. “I don’t know. What I know is that my heart beats everytime I see him the same way it did before. And it hurts knowing that he will be married to someone.”

“If you like the man so much, then go for it. Get him, make him yours. Your friend’s a two-face bitch anyway. Do you think she could make the man happy? Or if it turns out that you don’t really want him at all, spend a night with him and be done with it. Maybe you’re just curios how he is, all bare and defenseless, maybe you just want to have a memory with him. You need to know what you want because it’s up for you to decide what to do next.”

“I cannot do that.”

“Here.” Kasabay nang pag-umang nito sa nakakuyom na kamay. Itinaas niya ang nakabukas na palad at tinanggap ang ibinigay nito. The woman closed her palm and placed it on her lap. “Be discreet, it’s something that could help you.”

Nakakunot ang noong sinilap niya ang nasa palad. She gasped when she recognized what it was. It looked like the drug she received when she was in Brooklyn.

“I’m not a user,” she said, horrified.

“It’s okay, it only alleviates sexual urges. It also makes the sex ten times better. A very tiny amount will do its job. Or you can throw it if you really didn’t want to.”

“Hey!”

Tawag niya rito nang mabilis itong tumayo at lumakad paalis. The woman did not bother to turn back and waved her hand goodbye.

Agad siyang nagbayad at mabilis na sinundan ang babaeng lumabas ng bar ngunit hindi na niya ito makita. She blew a very loud breath before staring at her palm for a moment.

“This is madness,” bulalas niya bago ipinasok ang pakete sa bulsa.

Minutes later, she found herself in front of Russel’s bachelor pad.

What are you gonna do now, Ruby Rose?