Hazy memories are like bad teeth. You can't ignore it because you know it's there, it's just your brain refusing to let it surface. But when you remember it feels like someone ripped out the teeth and you can finally feel everything. Last night on the couch with Annie Marie, watching Lion King for the millionth time, I finally remembered. Every single detail of Friday night. From the part where I was grinding on Luka's friend to the part where I wrapped my legs around his waist and was calling him daddy. I should have put on a hoodie today. Instead I had on jeans, a crop top and a baggy shirt. The problem wasn't the outfit, I actually got comments from my sister that I looked good, the problem was that I couldn't hide in this. How was I supposed to see Luka in school today knowing that I called him daddy, and was in his bed just a few nights ago?If I had on a hoodie it would be easy to disappear and not be noticeable. Class was a whirlwind that flew by so fast till it was break t
First time I heard someone refer to the other as kitten or daddy was in a joke at my old school. Then everyone had raved about the fifty shades series and I had watched all episodes of it. I didn't understand it then, I still don't now. I think only girls that have actual Daddy issues look up to other men, their age or older to play that role sexually. The fact that my own father left us when I was just four years old does not mean I have Daddy issues. I turned out fine anyway without any issues whatsoever. So why did I think it was okay to call Luka Daddy? It must have been that stupid deal we made in the Alley about me becoming his pet that was confusing me. I'll rather die now than admit that the alcohol induced amnesia had cleared and I remembered everything that happened that night. "No I don't." I looked faraway at the wall above his head. Luka cocked his head to the side, staring at me, his eyes felt like he could see through me and my bullshit lie. "Should I remind yo
"I don't want to go with you. Why can't we just work on it during lunch tomorrow or something." I screamed at Luka after Jamie left. He was taken aback by my outburst and whatever trace of smiling, happy Luka I knew was gone. "Firstly, the project presentation is two days from now, you might be used to failure but I'm not. We need to ace it. Also, what part of I own you don't you understand?" I knew that I wasn't the brightest student in school but he did not have to go that low. I stood for a second letting his words sink in. Bloody bastard. Castrated orangutanAsshat. AsswipesI tried to conjure something in my mind with the word ugly but he wasn't ugly so nothing could stick.I didn't have the balls to say it out loud but I cursed him as much as I could in my mind without letting the tears drop. I was going to fail his first assignment.I would rather cry alone than ever cry in his presence. He walked ahead of me to his car and I got in. I sat down mute in the front seat
Luka: You did well, baby girl. I beamed from ear to ear like a dog who just got head scratches from his owner. I had the strong urge to pump my fist in the air and do a little shimmy dance. Last night Luka sent me a text that read - Isabella, this idea is yours so it will come alive more when you speak about it. Which is why you will be doing the presentation. Remember you owe me, my second request is that you kill this. If you fail, it will be your official first punishment."Everytime I wanted to freeze while presenting or mess this up because I was too scared to present our powerpoint, I remembered that Luka was standing beside me and that he had promised to punish me. I wanted to please him and I did and it made me so happy. We were done. Three days of hard work, researching and brainstorming and we were all done with the presentation. For the first time in my life, I had done A+ work. The teacher had been so proud of our work. Luka and I had ignored the weird thing that ha
I was walking into the Lion's den, albeit a very decorated one. This Lion's den was a mansion with lush green grass and a huge water fountain in front. The most beautiful places could also contain the darkest things in it. The last time I was here in Luka's home, I was drunk, braless and I made a friend. But Paula was off to college and it was just me and Luka today and maybe mini Luka. Everything about Luka's home was daunting and if I didn't need to pass my midterms so badly, I'd have just run back. Today was the first day of our tutoring. We had two weeks left until midterms. I have been hanging out with the team but I haven't been allowed to play or fully participate. All of this will change if I pass my midterms. The coach had promised me that if I passed I'll join the team again. I stood outside the huge door like a fool. I don't know if I was supposed to knock on the door or push it open or call Luka - that I had arrived. The door swung open on its own accord and it scar
BELLA"Run little girl, you had better run."I did as he commanded. I ran as fast as I could, with as much strength as my legs could carry me. His voice was the darkness and it was closing in on me. His laughter was ringing in my ears. I knew what would happen when the darkness gets old of me, but I was also running into darkness. I let it overpower me and I couldn't see his hands but it was squeezing the life out of me. I clawed at the darkness, with the last strength I had, but I could feel life seeping out of me. I woke up with a start. Clawing at my neck and gasping for air. I ran to the corner of the room and pressed my hands to both of my ears to stop the ringing laughter. It was the same dream. I might be awake now, but I knew the darkness was in a prison locked away. It could get out one day and we might run and change homes over and over but one day it might just snuff the light out of me. My forehead was covered with sweat and my heart was still racing loudly. I badl
Two missed voice calls. Four rejected video call attempts. Six read but unanswered messages..I would have kept ignoring him till the next message entered. Luka: Ignore my call one more time and whatever deal we have is off the table. I pressed my face into the pillow to muffle a scream. I picked the next call but left the phone on the bed so that the camera angle was failing the ceiling instead of my face. "Isabella," his deep baritone voice drawled into my ears courtesy of airpods."Luka," I countered."Pick up the phone," it was issued as a command, which shouldn't surprise me but I obeyed. I raised the phone to my eye level so that my face was filling up the camera. "From this angle, I can see the insides of your nostrils," he chuckled. I moved the phone back and lay on my side so that I could rest my hands. When he saw the disgusted face I made he burst into laughter. I waited for him to try to control himself before I said, "oh don't stop. Keep going. " "That's what sh
Option one: Play dumb and keep walking.Option two: Turn and watch Luka and Maya being chummy with each other. Option three: Walk past them and enter the clinic. I chose option one. I acted like I did not hear Maya calling out to me and I did not stop and consider responding. It might make me look like a fool but I just wasn't in the mood to listen to her or look at both of them. I had barely moved when she called me out again, "are you ignoring me, Bella?" Yes! So why don't you just take the hint and leave me alone. I faced her slowly. My stomach was beginning to feel upset and I'll trade anything to not be here right now. "What are you doing here?" Maya folded her hands under her bosom and her eyes felt like they were shooting fireballs at me. Custodian of Crest High infirmary services, I hailed, inwardly of course. "To see the school's nurse," I lied, looking everywhere but at the chummy two. I was a fool. A big one. I had spent the majority of my morning worried about so
My hands trailed on the rough skin on Bella's thigh with so much concentration that I didn't miss it when she flinched away. The loving and tenderness that I have spent the last one hour coaxing into her skin was gone. In its place was the rigid straightening of her spine and shoulders, an indication of how tense she suddenly became, almost as if she knew what was coming.The last six months we have been living in a bubble. I had accepted that it was okay for her not to say those three magical words that used to make my heart soar back to me, but lately it's been getting to me. Or maybe it's the way she never wants to talk about the 2 year gap in our relationship, or the baby we didn't know we had but lost. I want to know if she still secretly blames me for what happened. If every single time she sees the scars she hates me the way I do myself. I didn't mean to but I sighed loudly, my shoulder drooping before I rolled her body away from mine and got up padding softly to the bathroom
"I'm really sorry for the part I played in this. Especially knowing that you saw everything that happened that night. We staged a ruse and didn't take you into consideration and for that I'm sorry. Luka is my friend, and all I want is for him to be happy. He means so much to me that's why I came here and I told you my side of the story, it's up to you now whether you believe it or not." Erica ended and got up to leave. I couldn't bring myself to nod or acknowledge her. She had shown me proof that she was after all in a relationship with someone then, who was a professor at their school and telling me this could put her in trouble but she had chosen to do it anyway. I don't know what I was expecting to feel when the 'proof' came, but I'm not sure it's this. If I don't have the usual anger or person to blame for all my predicament then where do I stand? What is this deflated feeling I have in my stomach? Like a balloon punctured at the far end. "Bella," Luka began after a whi
The ride down to Luka's place was one of the most uncomfortable rides I've ever had to endure. My reference to his trysts with other girls was like an elephant in the room. It made me irritated and angry but he looked sad and kept giving me glances which I acted like I wasn't aware of. It was a different apartment from the last one which came to me as a suprise. But what I didn't expect was to see a fur covered, energetic dog launch at me. It did occur to me to go back to the shelter and ask about her wellbeinh after I got out of the hospital but I always assumed she would have been adopted or have moved on without remembering who I was. The moment she saw me she barked loudly and ran to me, wagging her tail. She remembered me, and that made me so warm and happy inside. I spent the next few minutes sitting there on the floor of Luka's studio apartment recieving her licks and hugs and reciprocating her love with my belly rubs and hugs. It took a while before she went on to greet Luk
Life was slowly and steadily returning to normal. Did I cry alot after that phone call with Luka? Yes. Did I fight the urge to go to him and be sure he is okay concerning the pregnancy bombshell I dropped on him? Yes. Did I think he'll show up after that night and actually accept responsibility to apologize for the way every thing turned out? Again Yes. But he didn't. Somehow, whatever I said to him must have resounded with him because he stayed away just as I asked. And it took a while but I took a day at a time. I showed up to classes, I smiled when it was necessary and went to as much of the freshers parties I could go to while my therapist tried to make sure I didn't loose my mind. Day in day out, I told myself that now that I have confronted Luka with all the hurt and the pain, I didn't need to see him again and I was happy that he didn't show off so why was he here now and why did I feel the familiar warmth and twinge in my chest that was usually there whenever I was near h
LUKAKnowledge isn't always power, it's sometimes pain. The kind that has you buckled over like you were kicked in the nuts. Nothing about this all consuming pain makes knowing about everything feel powerful. l feel powerless. With no single idea on how to fix this. My eyes burn and my wrist hurts from drawing and painting all day today. I also felt weak all over. When I drove down to Bella's dorm room last night all that was going on in my head was that I needed it not to be true. That there was a way out, a slim ray of hope that still gives me a redeemable chance but it had turned out to be the opposite of that. Not only had the details of what happened over the one year that I had stormed into my dad's office to get, found out to be true there were also more. Like a baby, a child between Bella and I that had miscarried. So much has happened, and I have no idea how I'm going to fix it. I haven't slept in almost 72hours. From the flight down home, to the flight back to going to
BELLA"Who is there?" I snapped. The loud noise coming from the person banging at the door repeatedly and forcefully echoed around my little room. "Who is there?" I called out even louder than earlier and was met with no response, just continuous, loud, pounding on the door. I thought about ignoring the person since they didn't answer me, and also because it was too late at night to be calling on someone since it was raining heavily. I grabbed my phone, "if you're not going to answer, I'm calling Campus security." The knocks and pounding stopped for a while after my threat and I heard the person curse out loudly in a strange language that wasn't totally foreign to me, since I knew the accent. Before I could come up with a solution, the loud knocks continued. I opened the door intent on giving the person a piece of my mind if it was who I thought it was and I was right. It was Luka. He was standing there soaking wet from the rain with his teeth chattering from cold and his eyes re
LUKAI woke up with an insane need to vomit and shot out of the tiny bed, searching with my eyes for the nearest toilet before I did it all over the floor. I barely made it to the toilet bowl before I found myself puking all over the cramped toilet floor. I puked and puked till I started to retch and my entire body felt weak and tired. Where the fuck am I and how did I get there? I lay back down on the cold floor, a little farther from the mess I just made but close to the toilet seat, and rubbed my head trying to remember bits and pieces from last night. It was the same thing from the last few days. I went out to drink, then Dylan joined me and the night ended with me drinking to stupour basically.I looked around the room, the toilet floor did look clean and I had zero energy to lift my body up right now anyway. The patterns on the floor of the toilet were faded like it had been scrubbed off due to use. From my position on the floor I couldn't see past a flowery pattern shower c
BELLA"I ran into Luka at school." I tried to make my declaration as unimportant as possible so that my mom wouldn't be alarmed or throw a fit and I must have succeeded because she didn't say anything. She was putting away the groceries and if not for the slight pause in her movements I would have thought she didn't hear me. "Ma, did you hear me?" I asked just to be sure. "It's been more than two weeks now why are just telling me?" My mouth opened on its own when she said that. "How...how did you know?" I managed to stammer out. "Are you having me followed?" I chuckled at the question, "nah, we don't have enough money for that." "Seriously mum, how did you know?" "Why else did you put your head on my laps and was crying some weeks ago? And what else could be the reason behind you moping? The only reason you're telling me now, is because you're moving to the dorms tomorrow." Wow. Nothing ever passed by this woman. Nothing. As in Zilch, Zero, Nada. "Just because I didn't say a
LUKAI threw my bag to the floor and fell on the couch like a sack of potatoes before sighing loudly. Sam, who when she heard the door open ran up to me wagging her tail in excitement followed me now to the couch and I stretched to pat her on the head. It did make me feel good everytime I walked in and there was always someone excited to see me. I barely had any time to think about my sad life and everything that happened today; from seeing Bella earlier to her running away, to me going back to school to finish up some school work to coming back home.But I know that I'm tired, very much so. I really think it's more mental exhaustion than physical. I guess I deserved this cold treatment but it didn't mean that it didn't hurt cause it hurts like a bitch. I got up and trudged to the fridge to get a bottle of water and the moment the cold liquid entered my stomach in protest it grumbled. I haven't eaten anything almost all day. I opened the fridge to search for something I could eat