It was nearly 9:30 when I finally made it downstairs. It was my first day with my new family and I had no idea how to behave. My mother had given me a serious talking to, reminding me to keep my voice down, don’t get angry, control my laughter. But what did any of that actually mean? When I asked her to elaborate on that last one all she said was “just give a gentle, serene smile and don’t start guffawing loudly in front of everyone. That’s not the way a newlywed girl should behave.” Since the engagement, Mumma had constantly reminded me that I would have to ‘adjust to them’. That they would end up throwing me out if I didn’t. I didn’t know where I would go if I was thrown out from here, my real family had already given me away. Those lessons seemed more difficult to me than advanced mathematics.
So far, however, Arnav had been pretty chilled-out. And he did promise me it’d be ok. As I walked downstairs, I was nervous. The hall was huge and it had a dining table at one side. The furniture was heavy but spread around the room stylishly. It had a lot in it, although it looked spacious. I worried about what I was going to say, what I should be doing with my hands, where I should be looking. You’d think I’d never walked in to a group of people before. I couldn’t decide on anything and my eyes fixed on the strange and beautiful design of the marble flooring. It had a pretty, abstract pattern that I didn’t understand but it was captivating nonetheless.
Before I could fully take in the space, some of the relatives, sitting in groups, called my name. “Kriti, it’s so late!”
They were taunting me, just like I knew they would, about how late it was. I was supposed to wake up early and be ready. It was the first time ever I had to join this ‘new’ family for breakfast, as is the tradition. Women are expected to share a bond with the whole family, not just their husband. I was already freaked out by listening to some of the sarcastic remarks. They were going to think I had no manners at all. I wanted to defend myself, but I had to stay demure. My mother-in-law was going to be so angry at me already.
I looked around the room, searching for that one semi-familiar face. Searching for Arnav. He was standing next to some of the men with a coffee mug in his hand and, as our eyes met, he waved at me, mouthing “stay calm. I’m here.”
To my surprise, the morning was not a complete disaster. Breakfast actually went well. I was warmly welcomed by Maa. She didn’t pay heed to anyone’s remarks and just looked at me with kindness in her eyes.
“I know you must be tired,” Maa whispered as she took my hand in hers, “don’t you pay attention to anyone. They’re only here for the day, they won’t bother you from tomorrow onward.” She grinned and her fair, wrinkled skin shined. “You know some women, they seek equality with men but they can’t even refrain from judging and getting jealous of their own.”
Maa and I were whispering softly when one of the ladies commented, “it looks like this Princess is still in her fairyland. Kriti, look around, it’s not your own house anymore.”
I was thrown by the expression. How could she say that to me? I was being openly mocked by someone and the bruise from leaving my own family was still fresh. I felt so alone and my eyes instantly fixed on the drape of my saree. Before my pain could start flowing into tears, Maa stepped in, reprimanding the woman.
“Sissy, don’t be so rude. It is her own house, she’s not a prisoner here. And, she’s my princess, she can stay in her fairyland forever, we don’t mind that at all, as long as she’s happy.”
I loved that style of hers. Without even raising her voice or losing that gentle tone of hers, she made her point very clearly to everyone in the room, which made them all frown as though they had lost their opportunity to attack me emotionally.
After all the introductions, she put her arm around my shoulders and spoke softly to me. “Beta, don’t be worried. This is your home not some army camp. And you’re not bound to follow any rules here. You can live the way you like.”
I just barely managed a watery smile at her words. I was finding it hard to believe that my mother-in-law could be so sweet.
She patted me on the back and said, “have your breakfast soon.”
By the time breakfast was over, I had come to the conclusion that my new family was amazing. At least everyone with whom I was going to share this house. Those distant relatives didn’t bother me, especially after that show of Maa’s defense. My mother and aunts had scared the hell out of me before the wedding, and I was expecting this new life with my husband’s family to be torture. But, so far, things were going swimmingly. I was beginning to think that all that wisdom my mother had shared with me would go to waste.
I grew up watching my mother with her in-laws and I knew how challenging that was for her. I couldn’t help but wonder if things were maybe just different for me. I was skeptical, but after meeting everyone and talking to them for a few hours, it felt like they were my people. My grandpa was always a wonderful human being. I’ve never seen him scold my mom about anything. I remember him telling me “your mother is a princess, and it’s our responsibility to treat her like one.”
My grandma on the other hand, had left no stone unturned in behaving like an actual Indian TV-series-style mother-in-law. She had never, ever called my Mumma or my aunts “Beta”. It wasn’t like she tortured my mother or my aunts, but she never appreciated their efforts in anything. She found every opportunity to correct their mistakes and remind them that they were being judged.
“You people don’t know anything. What have your families taught you?”
She never claimed my Mumma or any of my aunts as a part of her own family. Always calling them daughters of someone else. So, I had come into my new family with a misconception. In my mind, all fathers-in-law are sweet, good people, but the mothers are terrors. They are the ones that make a woman’s life miserable. I was heartbroken to find out that I had no father-in-law, because Arnav had lost his dad a long time ago.
Maa proved all my expectations false. In fact, the sea of new faces I was so scared of a day ago, now seemed like my family. Chachi ji, Chacha ji, Bhaiya, Bhabhi, Gunjan; they were all happy to welcome me as part of their big crazy family.
I don’t know how my feelings changed so much in just a few hours. I was busy talking to all my Bhabhis, who were teasing me sweetly, and I enjoyed some girly-conversation with them. They were sharing all sorts of crazy things men do when Arunima Bhabhi, Arnav’s elder brother’s wife, said, “so, Kriti, what happened last night that kept you both sleeping in this morning?” I was astonished at her way-too-direct question. I looked at her, flustered, trying to come up with anything to say to her. She sensed my general discomfort and said, “oh! That’s alright. I was just trying to tease you.”
The ladies guffawed at my shocked and confused expression and I was sitting with them all, struggling to find an answer that didn’t reveal how uncomfortable I was at such teases when I felt a tug on my saree. I saw a small girl standing beside me. She was holding a small, beautifully wrapped box with shiny red paper and a golden ribbon, and called out, “nayi wali Chachi! nayi wali Chachi! (Translated to: New Aunt, New Aunt)”
“Hello Shreya.” I was glad to see her. I had met her earlier at my wedding and at the engagement. Shreya was the daughter of Arunima Bhabhi and Abhishek Bhaiya. She was about three-and-a-half feet tall and six-years-old. She was adorable, her voice was even cuter.
She said, “Chachi, Chachi, this is for you.” She handed me the small package.
“Is this a gift for me, Shreya?”
“Yes, Chachi...see na what’s inside.”
I grinned, and I opened the package with care. “Wow! Chocolates!”
“You like them?” she asked.
“Like,” I ripped off the cover of the box, “areee I love chocolates. Thank you.”
She exclaimed, “you’re most welcome, Chachi.”
“Ah! Don't worry, we will share.” I took one of the large, gold-wrapped pieces from the box and unwrapped it.
“Can I have this one?” Before she could answer though, I giggled and bit the chocolate in half. I looked up from our innocent moment to find every eye in the room on me, watching me behave like an over-excited child. When I caught Maa’s gaze, she smiled demurely, almost as if the smile wasn’t meant for me at all. Arnav just hung his head and laughed at the floor.
It was Abhishek Bhaiya that said, “so now we have one more chocolate lover in our house.”
I re-wrapped the half-eaten chocolate and handed it to her whispering, “take this. We’ll finish it later.”
Her little face beamed as she looked up at me. “Okay!”
The day passed in a cloud of chitchat and greetings. And I started to believe one thing. In-laws are not so bad.
One week later, I was packing my bag to go home for pagfera. It was a custom in which the bride went to her house for the first time after her marriage. Normally, the bride’s brother came to pick her up from her ‘new’ house and then her husband would accompany her to her ‘father’s’ house. They would stay there for a short while, generally, one day, and then come back with good wishes and gifts from the bride’s family.Since I didn’t have a real brother, and all my cousins lived far away, Abhishek Bhaiya had offered to do the duties of a brother. He was actually a brother more than a brother-in-law for me. The affection he showed me was exactly what I would have wanted from an older brother.I didn't have to carry much, but all my necessities, and some clothes had to be packed for the short stay. I tried to keep the stuff to a minimum but the end result was a huge, overstuffed tote bag. As always, I was r
As soon as the car reached my house, I jumped out of the seat. Even before Abhishek Bhaiya could park properly. I was thrilled to see my family. Those glowing faces of the people with whom I’ve spent my life, my younger days, they just made me too excited. I put my arms around my mother and my sister and pulled them toward me in a long embrace at the gate. My father was also there. He had taken a day off from work, just for me. “Come, child, let's get inside.” My mother invitedBhaiyain for tea, but he refused. “No. I've to go.” We asked him to at least come inside and chat with us for a bit, but he refused saying, “Aunty ji, please, I am tempted to stay but I’ve to get to Shreya’s school. There’s a parent teacher meeting today. Arunima must be waiting for me. I just came to drop her off.” He patted my head. The day passed chatting with my mother and Betu. When Daddy eventually joined us, it was to ask about Arnav’s
Betu was more concerned about her Jeeju than how my life with him had begun. I couldn’t help myself. He was just so proper and buttoned up. It drove me crazy. “Oh! Don’t give him so much credit, he’s always in that executive mode. You should see him when he enters the house.” I mimicked his deeper voice, how he loosens his tie with one hand when he walks in the door, his other holding his phone. I shouted across the room, just like he always did “please get me a coffee, Chhaya Didi! In my room.” Betu burst out into laughter and protested, “oh! He can’t be like that. I’ve never seen him doing such things.” I challenged her. “Well, wait until this evening, you’ll see. He ignores me, won’t say anything to me when he comes home, and he’s constantly on his phone. I’m telling you, the man is a workaholic.” I shook my head, realizing exactly how hard it was to communicate with him. I mean if someone would say
The next morning, we were all sitting at the dining table, my Mumma was busy trying to stuff Arnav and I full with those lovely sandwiches she’d made. Arnav had woken me up late, as he’d again sabotaged my alarm earlier in the morning, and he called my name “Kriti ji,” in the same caring way you’d use to awaken a baby. He was all handsome and ready to go before he roused me. Why did he always do that to me? It made me feel stupid, him looking like that and I still in my nightie. I’d forgotten all about my anger with Daddy, like I always did. I could never hold a grudge against anyone. And, after all, he was my father, how could I forget that love we both had for each other? My eyes fell upon Arnav. Of course I knew the reason for his amused grin. I was busy talking with Daddy. I was a little embarrassed as I remembered that I’d decided, last night during my emotional trauma, that I wouldn’t come back home again after today.
Two more weeks passed and then a third. By then I had pretty much settled into my new life. I’d explored every corner of the house and had begun to build up a special bond with every member of the family, especially Gunjan and Shreya. Gunjan was so sweet and silly. She reminded me so much of my Kavya.Shreya and I quickly became the best of friends. We would eat chocolates together, we laughed together constantly, and we played together every day from kitchen set to hide and seek. After the first week, she would come to me in the evenings and just sit next to me while she did her homework. After a couple days I found myself helping her, answering questions when she had them. We quickly fell into a routine, and I looked forward to homework time each day.Arnav was different from his family members. Unlike everyone in the house, he didn’t talk much and he was always involved in his work. The man was a workaholic through and through. At night he never just rel
My new life unfolded in a quiet stability. Weeks went by where my love for my new family grew, but the relationship between my husband and I remained distant. I was out of bed that morning a little bit earlier than usual. That was the first day I’d woken up while Arnav was still asleep. The night had been exhausting. I was feeling very lonely, helpless even, most of the night. I felt claustrophobic, and sleep just refused to come. My period started that morning. Maybe that was the source of all this anxiety. Hormones. The alarm on Arnav’s phone rang. As he opened his eyes he rolled over, slapping the screen of his phone, silencing the tinkling sound. The moment he saw that the other side of the bed was vacant, he sat up and looked around the room. His face grew alarmed at once. As if he’d been considering that someone might have kidnapped me. His eyes landed on me standing at the cupboard. More than half of my body hidden by the doors of the wardrobe. “Kriti 
I changed my clothes before I called Arnav to come pick me up. This time I selected another suit. I wore an A-line suit of red and purple. The leggings were the same rich purpleas the dupatta, and the kurta was a rich, sensual red. I strapped on my favorite heels, the purple ones with the brocade straps and silver clasp. I did a quick swipe of just basic make up—a little day cream, thin lining of black kohl in my eyes and a thin coat of lip gloss. I let my dark brown, wavy hair flow loose as I usually did. I looked at myself in the mirror trying to flaunt my curves, which were tightly embraced by the dress, showing off my flat belly. I hoped Arnav would notice my body often. But he had never seemed to appreciate me in the physical sense. I stared at myself and found that red made me look good. The golden undertones of my fair skin actually glowed in it. It had been less than half an hour since Arnav called. When Arnav reached the house gate to collect me, it had
I was laying on the bed, staring at the ceiling, and thinking about the day right from the morning to that very moment. Only one thing crossed my mind, and that was Arnav. I was attracted to him. But the thought unsettled me. Arnav had plugged in his headphones and was watching something on his phone. I just couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t working again tonight.“Kritiji, neend nahi aa rahi hai?” Arnav asked me if I wasn’t able to sleep having, apparently noticed me tossing and turning, as he unplugged his headphones.I simply shook my head, not bothering to find the words to answer. His voice drowned in sweetness. “Why, in fact, did you wake up so early, today?”I sat up avoiding his stare. “I don’t know. I just can’t sleep.”He put his phone and the headphones aside. He leaned into the cushions at his back. “Is there something you’d like to do?”“No
EPILOGUEThree Years LaterThe hairdresser was busy as she carefully straightened each strand of my dark brown locks. I searched my own face in the mirror and found that I’ve aged a little.Years have flown by. The day Arnav and I became one, my whole life changed. It wasn't too soon after that I found my real calling, my real passion and I wrote a book. I always wanted to be everything at once, and being a writer helped me to be that. For my third book, I landed a reputable publisher. Arnav and I have since been each other's best friends and he calls me his better half. My phone rang and I answered Arnav’s call on the first ring.“Hello? Kriti, are you ready yet?”“Almost, it will take about twenty more minutes.”“Okay, I’m leaving to pick you. Prabhat has called me several times already. We must be there by 6 pm sharp.”“We’ll be there at six, Arnav, don’t worry.”“Okay! I’m on my way. Love you.”Today, my second book was launching. It was a big day for me. I was right, I was made t
POV: KritiHe leaned in and our lips met again, for the third time in the last hour. It seemed like my husband wasn’t in a mood to go to work today. A swift move of his hand, and I heard the door close with a loud bang. His other hand explored my back through the thin line of cotton between our bodies. I moaned and gasped for breath and he finally released my lips, with a pleased and mischievous smile on his face.“Kriti! I need to leave now.”“Am I stopping you?” I dared.“No, but you’re not making it easy”My hand was entangled with his. I left it, waving my hands in a submitting motion. “I am not doing anything.”“But your eyes are telling me a different story.” He encircled his firm arms around my waist, nearly lifting me up from the ground, and whispered, “and you know what I would do if you keep doing that.”My lips curled into a smile as I buried my head on his shoulder. He’d been doing this since when we’d had that heartfelt tear-shedding moment. Hugging me tightly before leav
POV: ArnavThose words, those exact words were something I had longed to hear from her since the day I’d realized my love for her. I’d wondered, since that first day, if she’d be able to love a workaholic, boring, unexpressive businessman? I am who I am, I can’t change this person I’ve become. I felt my eyes getting heavy. I couldn’t hear anything but her sobs. And those words kept, again and again, repeating in my head, ‘I just... I love you so much…’ I closed my eyes. I felt something hot and wet slide down my cheek. Was it a tear? A tear of joy? I was numb. It didn’t even occur to me that I had to say something to her in return. To offer her a response to the revelations of her deepest feelings. I felt as if God had granted me some wish for which I’d prayed to him daily. I held her as close and as fiercely as I could for long minutes. And only then did I realize that now, it w
POV: KritiArnav was sitting quietly as he dressed my leg with a crepe bandage. I wanted to talk to him but his iron composure was making me scared. I knew he had to hate me. I wasn’t going to get a way out. I didn’t want to face him earlier. So, I just ran away. I ran away and left the diary for him. I’d been trying to talk to him for days, tell him everything that had happened, but I just couldn’t find the courage. I knew he was hurt. It was clearly visible on his face. And those eyes, when he came out running from the car and realized that it was me he had hit…“Arnav, I’m fine. It’s alright.”He looked directly into my eyes and took a deep breath, regaining that calmness. “Kriti, can I ask you something?”“Yes, Arnav.”“Have I ever scolded you?”I had no reply and just shook my head ‘no’.“Hav
POV: ArnavHours had passed and all my efforts had been in vain. I was just circling the city in my car and I had no clue where she might be. I had looked at every place I could possibly think of, and I had nothing in my mind now. I’d been in touch with Akansha and my phone again rang again.“Akansha, any news?” My voice filled with a tiny little spark of hope.“NoJeeju,” she said sadly, “nothing. Did you check café Downing Street?”“Yes, she wasn’t there. I asked for her everywhere.”We were both playing on assumptions of this unpredictable girl.“Did you look at any of the streets she likes to walk or anything?”“Yes,” I conceded. My hands ruffled my hair, “I did, I looked everywhere. Not a single person has seen her.”“Oh God, what will we do
POV: ArnavI tried calling her but she wouldn’t pick up her phone. She was angry and I’d first have to apologize for my earlier behavior, I was fine with that.I reached our home and I knocked at the door. I kept knocking, but she didn’t answer. When I let myself in, she wasn’t there. My chest got tight as I looked around the empty house. Whenever she had to go somewhere she’d always tell me. Maybe she had gone to buy more craft supplies.The first thing I saw, laying on the coffee table, was a black diary. The one in which Kriti writes now is purple, where did this black one come from and why was it here? There was a paper under the paper weight, kept on that black thing. I sat on the sofa and tried calling her again, but she wasn’t answering. The sinking feeling inside began to grow. Panic. This was what panic felt like. I hated it.I took a look at the paper.‘Arn
Four years ago, February:Dear Diary, we’ll be celebrating our second anniversary this April. Me and Sameer, the bond between us has grown so much. He talks to me like he’s planning to propose soon. Although, we have had our issues.Sameer, never liked me working at the Cultural Society. A few weeks ago, I had to work and he wanted me to go home with him instead. I had to tell him no, and he got angry. I sometimes don’t like his anger, the way he behaves with me, when he gets angry. As if, there’s nothing worthwhile about me all. He screams at me, he sometimes uses bad words. He hurts me sometimes, by his words, by his gestures, and a little bit physically too, he has left marks on my body, marks I’ve had to hide or lie about to my parents. He throws things, whatever he gets hold of, but then afterwards he always apologizes, he always tells me it was me, that I made him do it,
POV: ArnavI exhaled a breath as I hung upAbhishek Bhaiya’scall. He said he missed me. Even I miss our family but at least, Kriti and Golu were there. It had been nearly two weeks since Golu had arrived. That bastard had actually kept his promise by meeting me several times. I felt good with him. All those years, when I was all alone, I met him regularly just because, most of the time, he made my tension, the pressures, fade away a little bit. When I was struggling with the relationship with my real brother, he was there with me at least. I was able to just live some peaceful moments with him. We went for drives together in Kanpur on his bike. It gave me so much contentment when we drove to his place here in Indore the first time. I thought back to what he’d said on that first day while we were driving to his place.He’d been surprised. “Kriti, you found her?”“I didn&r
Five Years Ago, January:Dear Diary, each passing day is becoming more and more difficult for me. I just can’t forget the things he said to me after reading that letter. The first thing he asked me was, “why?”He asked me why I loved him. Does that even makes sense? Is there ever a reason why we love someone the way we do? Is it even under my control? Couldn’t he see that, with every day that passed, after that first conversation of ours, that I felt something? I fell for him. Head over heels. He made me feel special, made me feel like he cared about me, and I loved him for it. We’ve spent so many days together, and I now realize that I spent those days in a lie of my own manufacturing. I was so sure he loved me. But he doesn’t.He said, “can’t we just be friends?”What kind of friendship is this? What kind of friend sits by your si