Books are oxygen for the literate. For me, there's no other way to breathe. Breathing comes naturally to living organisms. For a nerd with a perfect attendance record and zero friends, air fills my lungs, and words fill my head. I like filling my head with facts, opinions, and fanfiction. There's nothing better than reading Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings fanfics on a Friday night.
Most teenage girls enjoy friends, sleepovers, and boyfriends. I'm not like them. I'm preparing for the future, for college, and for myself. I don't have time to watch the world pass me by. And that's how it goes when you're at the top of your class. Being on top is lonely, but someone must be the strongest, best, and brightest.
The summer has one more lousy weekend. I'm not a fan of summer. My parents work, and we don't go on vacation. The last time we went on vacation, we got a flat tire, and mom yelled from inside the truck. Mom thought a murderer would destroy us all while dad and I changed the tire in the rain.
The rain was falling sideways that day. On summer nights, when the rain falls on its side, I think of dad and how he taught me to change a tire. Mom's yelling is hilarious in retrospect, but at the time, it made me nervous. Her yelling made me never want to go on a family vacation ever again. That was five years ago.
To make up for our lack of vacation rentals, my parents bought us a membership to the neighborhood pool. So, I go every day, by myself. I sit on the side of the pool and read. I read romance novels mostly during the summer. Studying is important too. I'm going to be a senior this fall. I haven't been kissed yet. But it doesn't bother me.
I know that the man I kiss will be the man I say "I do" to. My wedding day will be simple and elegant when the time comes. I'm a sucker for romance novels but having a boyfriend in real life doesn't suit me at all.
Romance novels are enough flirting and kissing for me. My all-time favorite romance book is The Kissing Booth. My mother says it's 'below my intelligence.' What can I say? I'm a sucker for kissing and handholding.
Today is the last nice day of summer. I'm looking forward to eraser shavings covering my hands and the endless homework assignments that keep me busy when I come home to an empty house. Everything in that house is empty at night. I like living in the shadows.
'And they all lived happily ever after...the end.'
Another book read from my summer romance reading list. I've read 43 romance novels this summer. Then there's the list of English Lit novels I had to read over the summer. I finished all five of those in the first three days of summer break.
"What are you reading there, Train Tracks?" Kelly Lavender asks.
"My name is Lily...not Train Tracks."
Train Tracks is a lovely nickname the school has blessed me with since my sophomore year. It's a reference to the braces that will never get removed from my mouth. No one wants to kiss a face like mine, and why would they want to? But, when I go off to college in a year, my braces will be removed, and I'll feel like myself again.
Vanity doesn't matter to me. When they call me Cage Face or Train Tracks, I'm reminded of their insecurities, not mine. It's not my fault high school is an episode of Survivor.
When the zombies come crawling for their brains, I will be the last human to remember history. I'm excited to be an oracle and pass down history through oral tradition. You're welcome, peasants. You'll be glad I read it all then.
"I don't care what your name is, really," Kelly says as she rips my romance novel from my hands.
"Give that back. That's my favorite novel."
Kelly moves her arms in all directions keeping my novel from me. Her minions, Alexa, and Tia, watch with giggles flying from their asses.
"I don't think I will. You're gonna have to fight me for it," Kelly teases.
I get up from the lawn chair, and as I do, Tia and Alexa hold me back by both of my arms. Their horseplaying is humiliating and uncalled for.
"You're pathetic. Tell you what, I'm gonna do Train Tracks. I'm going to rip this nerdy shit novel in half."
"Don't...do...that!" I beg.
Kelly rips The Kissing Booth novel in half and tosses both halves into opposite ends of the pool.
"Oh...my bad! It looks like the Titanic hit an iceberg. Better watch it, Lily...or you're next."
Alexa and Tia let go of my arms and push me into the pool. From under the water, I see their three ugly shadows move back and forth. I get out of the water.
"How refreshing. You really should come in and join me, girls."
I don't give the KAT trio the satisfaction of getting to me. Kelly rolls her eyes and leads Alexa and Tia away from the pool. I've stopped wondering where the lifeguard is. I'm always picked on during adult swim. Adult swim is when the lifeguard goes away, and the bitches come to play.
An older gentleman fishes out my novel for me. He hands me my soaked copy of The Kissing Booth. It's split in two and destroyed. Perfect....just perfect.
"Sorry, I didn't stop them. I thought you were playing a game. Until those ugly girls pushed you in, here you can have my book. It's not a romance book; it's The History of Pirates. You might like the chapter on Anne Bonny and Calico Jack."
"Thanks, I think I'll take you up on that. My name's Lily."
"I'm Mr. Davis. Do you go to Ashmore high?"
"Yeah, why?" I ask.
"My son goes there. He'll be a senior this year. His name is Jeremy Davis," Mr. Davis says.
"I don't have friends. I'm afraid I don't know who that is. Thanks again for the book."
"No problem. You take care, and don't let those wenches get you down."
"I'll try to remember that."
I head back to the spot I was originally sitting at before the KAT Trio destroyed my book. I need a new place to read my books. Those girls always find me.
My clothes are soaked. I'm wet down to my underwear. I never go into the pool. My parents only got the membership to get me out of the house. It's worked so far, but the KAT trio has ruined my life at the pool enough this summer. I'm glad it's coming to an end.
Luckily mother forces me to bring a towel with me whenever I come here. So, I dry off and take The History of Pirates book with me. On my way home, I stop by the Lending Library.
Our neighborhood has been blessed with a wonderful treasure, the Lending Library. It's the most sacred of treasures for a reader like me. The idea is, I read a book, and when I'm finished, I return it to the Lending Library for someone else to read. The Lending Library is a large bookshelf that stands on a post. It resembles a mailbox.
I open the doors to the large bookshelf. To my disappointment, there are no books in here today. I put The History of Pirates in the Lending Library. Something tells me it belongs here. I double-check the library, and as I do, I find a crumpled-up piece of lined paper.
As I open it, the words on the paper speak to me, they say:
Help. I want to die!
-J. DMy lips quiver as I reread the note repeatedly. I've always counted on the Lending Library to give me wisdom, but it gave me a message today. A message in which someone is crying for help, and I must respond in kind.
I crumple up the suicide note. Whether fake or serious, I need to find out who 'J. D' is. This person, whoever they are, is a mystery. The note feels warm as if it were just placed within the Lending Library. It must be my mind playing tricks on me. It couldn't have just been placed within the library. And why are all the books missing today? I can usually count on two books being on the shelf. I placed The History of Pirates novel on the library's shelf and shut the doors. The crumpled-up note finds its way into my pool bag. "Lily, you came back early. And you're soaking wet. We need to get you a bathing suit. Want to get one later this weekend." Mother, sweet Mother, how I wish you knew I had no friends and that I'm a freak. But you don't.There's no point in mentioning the KAT trio and their bullying. If I can't handle them this year, how the hell will I handle being on my own when college rolls around the corner next fall?
The first day of school is always the worst. All the assholes wait outside for the fresh 'meat' they will hit on. Braces are a superpower to keep them both away. Unfortunately, I'm not very pretty, so this first last day will be a cakewalk. "Lily, are you ready for your last-first day of school?" Mom says, coming into my room with a camera. "Jesus...woman! Can't you knock? I'm still in my bra?" I push my mom out of the door. I don't need any more embarrassing photos for the family scrapbook. My parents are dinosaurs with their libraries and photo albums. I love my kindle and praise it like a living deity. "Sorry, honey. I'm so excited and sad for you." "What are you sad about?" Crap, why did I ask? It's because I'm leaving. "You're leaving the nest in a year, and I'm sad. Who's going to hang out with me next year and watch Friday night soap operas?" Mom sobs like a baby. "Mom, it's okay. And I never watched those shows. I just
Lunch is a place of status and friends. I don't possess either of those things. My sacked lunch is in my bag, and I pull it out. As I open it, I see a handwritten note from my mother. Lily-kins,Don't forget to take the trash out when you get home. Love,Mom I throw the entire lunch away. Mother's bus photo is enough to make me skip eating altogether. Screw eating a sacked lunch, I want real food and by real food I mean go to a restaurant. I walk out of the school building unnoticed. No one seems to care that I've skipped school this morning. God only knows what I missed on the first day ofEnvironmental ScienceandBritish Literature. Since I read all the
I block my mother on all social media platforms. My Instagram account has been deleted, all thanks to Jeremy. He deleted it for me atSammy's Sub Cafe.Our friendship lasted for a day. One day of friendship, and now I miss it. Have I really deprived myself of human contact for no reason? Oh well, I will do better in college. It's only a year of loneliness, and then I will graduate at the top of my class.I wish I had a reputation to protect. But it's been destroyed by my lack of fashion and having the world's most embarrassing mother.The only friend I remember having was Maria Arby from Ashmore elementary school. Our friendship lasted for two years, from the fifth to the sixth grade. When middle school started, she got her period before I did. Her social status and popul
The peer tutoring program is starting up today. I'll need to look my best to teach the freshmen about being a model citizen. Being alone on top is hard. It would be nice to have someone to share my glories with. If Maria Arby didn't become a woman and move away, maybe we'd still be friends.Sweat rises to my pours like water gushing its way toward a waterfall. Everything aches from my head down to my toenails. As I take a deep breath, I feel the weight of mucus moving around like a motorboat. I sound like the broken wheezy toy fromToy Story 2.Mom steps into the room. With one look of concern, she declares me sick. I never get sick. I take all my vitamins and exercise as my doctor instructs me to do—only people who are stressed and worried become sick.It sucks tha
My fever breaks as the last sweat trickles down my brow. Bubbles form around my pours like crystallized beads. My palms drip with the remaining sweat from my skin.I twist the cap off my water bottle. It's hard to grab the top of the bottle when my hands are wet from my fever breaking. My mother rips the bottle from my hands and opens it. The water hits my mouth, tongue, and throat. Its refreshing coolness heals the rest of me.Mom and I don't speak to one another. I'm still embarrassed by her despite my fleeting illness. I have every right to be mad at her. She took my senior year away from me. The KAT trio will tear me to shreds when I return."Why did you block me from your social media? I didn't do anything wrong, did I?"Mom does
Returning to Ashmore high school after a day of being sick is not fun. I miss two days of school, and the amount of homework I have is the equivalent of filling out two or three college applications.I miss summer. I want to read my favorite novels beside the pool. Sure, summer is boring, and I usually long for it to be over with. But after the strange, terrible start to this school year, I am ready to graduate and be on my way."Lily, welcome back. It's not like you to be sick. Are you feeling better?" Mr. Cronkwright says.I hold my textbooks on my desk. The lead in my pencil is missing. My pencil case has Harry Potter glasses stitched in a pattern on its exterior. It's proof that I am a proud nerd."Yes. I am a lot better. I will t
Blood continues to drip down his sleeves. Do I pretend I never saw it? Do I say something?"You've been hurt. Let me get a few band-aids from my bag. Then, you can help yourself."I hand Jeremy the band-aids. I pull out my book and begin reading. It's none of my business unless he makes it my business. Jeremy doesn't strike me as the sort to cry out for help. Even if he did want my help, would I be able to give it to him?"Do you want to go to the zoo with me," Jeremy asks?"The zoo? Are you serious? What does that have to do with anything?""You seem like you need some fun. And I work there.""You want me to come and watch you work
The following week flies by. And despite taking classes online to wrap up my senior year, I will miss Mr. Cronkwright. He will be the speaker for our high school graduation. In addition, he's been nominated to win the teacher of the year award. I am sure he will win.Our graduation gowns are black with a maroon-colored tassel. My dad has been acting emotional around me since prom ended. With one week between prom and graduation day, I can't say I blame him. This has been hard without my mom to help. It's been an adjustment for him. Her absence won't disappear overnight.I put my graduation gown on. It's a long sweaty thing. I look like a Hogwarts student. If you gave me a wand, I could teach magic in the fall. Dad has this habit of taking photos on my mother's behalf. So I promised him I would finish my high school scrapbooks in mom's place.The doorbell rings. It's Jeremy in his matching outfit. Both of his parents are with him. They've managed to set aside the
My dad was right. I needed a girls' day after all the shit that has happened over this last year—especially these last few months. I'm not a good dancer. I can't be as bad as dad. It's rumored he fell during his wedding day dance. I'm not sure I believe him since there are no photos to back up the story.Knowing mom, she would have insisted on photos being constantly clicked and taken. Every angle and every moment would have been captured. I've seen the wedding photos. There are no pictures of dad falling during his wedding dance.I hate girl shoes. They go between your feet in unnatural ways, like flip flops, and make your heels ache. Beauty is painful. We have years of human history to back that up. My mom told me about the ancient Chinese performing a foot binding on their women's feet. I didn't understand what she meant until she showed a thirteen-year-old me the pictures of tiny shoes and broken feet. After she educated me, I was terrified of wearing lady's
Prom has arrived. I don't have any girlfriends to go prom shopping with, and that's fine. Prom seems stupid to go to. It's not that I haven't thought about prom before. But I never imagined myself being pretty enough or worthy enough to go. Prom is for the lovely girls who get dolled up and look like models.I'm the sexy librarian type. Sporting glasses and a romance novel while dancing is more my speed. I haven't told dad that I don't have a dress. I didn't want to give him one more thing to worry about. I've considered wearing one of mom's dresses and using her hair straightener. But, going into mom's closet will be hard because she is gone, and all the things a girl is supposed to do with their mom before prom is gone too.The doorbell rings. It must be for dad since Jeremy is out with his mom today to have their'come to Jesus-meeting'about her abusive boyfriends."Hi, Lily." It's Mrs. Norris, my old bus driver. I saw her at the funeral b
It's time for the funeral. I've prepared a poem in memory of my mom. I'm nervous about sharing it and have asked Jeremy to read it if I start crying too much.I'm glad Jeremy can attend the funeral like it's normal again. No police or criminal ankle bracelet. Mr. Davis will be attending the funeral as well. Amy and Tia had their own trials and are facing jail time like Kelly. Kelly got the longest sentence for life. Amy and Tia got twenty-five years if I heard the judge correctly. The KAT trio is all behind bars. This means there can be no disrespect at the funeral.I put on the only black dress in the house. It's a black sundress. It's fitting that it belonged to mom. She was more into shopping, beauty, and vanity than I ever was.I put my hair in a long French braid down my back. I haven't felt pretty in a long time—the sparrow pecks on the windowsill with its beak. I put birdseed out for it the night before. I'm glad to hear it and see if feeding today
Now that the trial is over, my life is a dream. Dreams exist above reality, just a little below perfection. The only person missing is mom. I will never hear her voice again. I will never listen to her say she loves me except in old voice mails and old videos.The funeral is in a few days. I haven't cared about the funeral. I haven't wanted to plan anything. Planning the funeral means she really is gone. The way she died is so horrendous. I wish she fell asleep one night and didn't wake up. That would have been more tolerable.With the trial being over, I have to face the parting clouds. When the clouds part, the truth is revealed. Sometimes truth is beautiful and sets us free. That's what the heavens did for Jeremy. They set him free above the angels. But for my mom, she dances with the sparrows, and I am here on earth to witness it.Destiny lives with Father time. He can either change your fate, or he can let the cruelness of night rule with its blackness. The
Time has slowed down. All my dreams are in red. Red is the color of roses and the color of blood. Both describe my mother. Blood for her death and roses for her grave. Blood at her murder scene and roses at her funeral.When I dream in red, I don't sleep well. The dreams always end with Kelly laughing. Last night, I didn't dream about my mother. Instead, I dreamed about Gerald McLaren. He was standing in the ruins of the Vineyard church, holding eggs. He threw the eggs to the side and hugged me. He apologized to me for bullying me. I forgave him, and then Kelly entered my dream. I woke up panicked. Being covered in sweat in my bed is a horrible sticky feeling."Lily, are you okay? I heard screaming," dad says, rushing into my room.His coffee spills a little on the side and moves around in his mug. Since mom died, dad has been sporting an ugly red bathrobe that retired in the 1960s. Pretty sure my dad inherited it from his old man. It hasn't been washed since th
"It's nice to kiss you without your braces on. I always knew you were pretty, but now all you are is beautiful," Jeremy says as we split up from our kiss.I say goodbye to him and head out of the hospital. Hospitals represent life and death. They are places where people try their best to cling to life. But life is a sacred thing, and the doctor, along with the angels, kept my Jeremy safe so he could help me out today.The drive home is terrifying. All I can think about is Kelly. I am at peace with everything else but her. I want her to be put in her place. She hides in the shadows and waits like an eel ready to strike. I haven't been to school in weeks. I can't stomach the KAT trio. All three girls have been arrested and are suspects in the murder trial of Gerald McLaren. It puts my mind at ease that they are being held accountable for something they have done.But I still can't go back to that school and finish what I've started. I can't return to tutoring. I c
Graveyards are the final resting place for the dead. They are where the endless souls dance for eternity under a moonlit forever. The souls of the cemetery held onto Jeremy but didn't take him down into the land of Hades. He fought, and he held onto life just for me. Death is where the ravens swirl in their endless circles. Hunger finds them, and nails dig into their prey. We are all called by death in the end. The grim reaper himself holds his scythe and carries it along as a walking stick. Walking sticks are used to guide souls on the path to Hades. If I discover Hades, I will find my mom. I will find her there beneath the bones of her final breath.All the feels take away my breath,When funerals approach and force me to face death,I think of the heavens parting like glass,Hoping her last days have come at last,The grim reaper is a soul deliverer taking souls away,If he walks too far into the depths, the souls will try to stay,There l
The ghost with no face wears a hood. He passes through fog and dances on the other side of the clouds. When he comes to earth, he sleeps in caves. Caves cast their shadows against the crackling fires of hope. Hope is all that remains for Jeremy Davis. The sun is a fleeting idea that hides behind the clouds in their dark black sky.I never knew what living in crisis mode was like. It sucks and hurts my skin. Everything hurts my soul, my heart, my spirit. Pain has many forms and many faces, and I can't bear to wear my masks any longer. I've become a castle with one bridge to the world on the other side. When Jeremy's father told me he tried to commit suicide, that bridge fell into the world of bullies.Armor can protect a knight for so long. The helmet protects his thoughts. Jeremy's helmet was tossed aside ages ago. To me, he is like theGreen Knight, tossing aside fear and worry.The keys to my car fall to the floor. Damn! Getting to Jeremy is all