Fresh start

                My first instinct when I open my eyes is to adjust my mood and behavior to ensure I don’t upset Wilheim. It takes another minute to remember I don’t have to do that anymore. A relieved sigh leaves my lips as I gaze up at the off-white ceiling above me with its yellow tinted water stains. My dingy apartment was difficult to get use to at first, coming from a beautiful 3-bedroom house with lots of space to this borderline studio apartment. It’s considered a 1-bedroom apartment, but I’m pretty sure they just threw up a quick wall to block off the bedroom so they could charge more for the space. I left my last relationship with almost no money and no job, so this was the best I could do with my limited resources. There’s a small kitchen that doesn’t seem to have been updated since the 80’s with its cracked vinyl countertop in the ugliest shade of yellow I think I’ve ever seen. The oven is barely useable to the point where it will burn a pizza within minutes or leave the pizza raw even after half an hour and I can never tell which so it’s always a risk. The living room can barely fit a small couch and t.v. with its stained grey carpet and cracked paint covering the walls. My queen bed practically takes up the entirety of the “bedroom”, while the bathroom is probably the most depressing part of the entire place. No matter what lightbulb I put in the socket, it’s always dim and yellow to show off the porcelain tub that has seen better days and the shower head with lime buildup I can’t seem to get rid of. Regardless of all the negatives, this place is my freedom and I never forget that.

                Once I’ve reminded myself that I am my own person with my own place and can just exist without worry of consequences if, Goddess forbid, I have a bad day, I get up to get ready for the day. Being an elf with no magic means my options were pretty limited when it comes to work. Wilheim and I got together when I was still young and hadn’t yet hit the age to mature into my magic so I have almost no experience to help me out either. Once I hit 25 and my magic didn’t come, he talked me into thinking it was best I stay home and take care of the house while he works. At the time it seemed like a great plan, but now I see it for what it was, control. We would get into huge fights if I even attempted to look for a job or make my own money and eventually, I just gave up and accepted what he decided. After all, I thought he was my forever person. I cringe at the thought of how naïve I was at the time. It’s only been 6 months and here I am still judging my past self for overlooking all those red flags.

                This is my second week at my new job and so far, I don’t hate it. I never saw myself as someone who would enjoy cleaning, but I’ve come to enjoy the peace of the repetitive actions and meeting new people. I quite enjoy being by myself, but something about conversing with someone I will never have a friendship with really takes the pressure off and there’s no obligation to be anything other than a friendly cleaner. I throw my long auburn hair up into a pony tail after throwing on a t-shirt and leggings that do nothing to compliment the curves I have going on. The thought of drawing anyone’s attention to my body sends a shiver through me. I don’t think I want anyone to appreciate my body for a long while. Throwing on my sneakers, I head out after locking the front door and walk the 4 blocks to the office. Once I get there, I will grab my supplies and head to my client for the day, but not before stopping at the coffee shop a block away and grabbing my almost too much drink of choice. It’s an iced spiced chai latte with cinnamon and salted caramel with 2 shots of espresso. A lot, I know but man is it the most perfect drink in existence.

                Today I am working with a faun who is the sweetest woman I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. She’s been working with the company, Two sisters and a broom, for the past few years and has been assigned to train me. Due to our similar pasts, we clicked almost right away. We understand each other on a level that most wouldn’t. I wouldn’t consider us friends, but she has been helping me whenever I start to doubt my decision to leave. Even though she doesn’t know everything, she knows enough to put it together and never pushes for more than I’m willing to give, which I am eternally grateful for.

Within minutes of arriving at the clients house, Jesse turns toward me with determination in her eyes. “The client isn’t home today so it’s just us. How have you been holding up?”

My sigh is filled with exhaustion. “I’ve been doing ok. It only took me a minute to remember he wasn’t there when I woke up this morning. I feel like I’m finally starting to get myself together and could possibly start functioning like a normal being in the near future.” I finish with a small smile on my face.

“I am so proud of you. That is amazing progress. And who wants to be normal anyways, us weirdos are the best.” She says with a matching smile.

               After our brief conversation, we split to get our job done. I head to the kitchen while she heads for the master bedroom. Being alone in the master bedrooms at these houses always makes me feel uncomfortable while Jesse hates cleaning the kitchens so it works out rather well for us to split this way. She’s always so considerate and understanding, it makes me question my choice of isolation outside of work. Maybe someday I will appreciate another persons company in my safe space. I let out a small sigh, I sound so pathetic even in my own head. I shake the depressing thoughts from my head and focus on scrubbing the counters. We are here every week from what I’m told and yet everytime we come here the house is a wreck. I don’t know what these people do during the week, but it clearly isn’t cleaning. It seems no matter how much money someone has, we are all flawed in our own ways.

                After what feels like forever, we are done and heading back to the office to drop our supplies off and clock out for the day. All I can think on the drive is how excited I am to get done and go home to my blissfully empty apartment. Watching Jesse easily carry all of her cleaning supplies always shocks me a little. I know she’s been working this job for a couple years, so it shouldn’t shock me, but she is so small compared to me that it makes it hard not to watch in minor awe at her strength. Fauns on average are between 4 and five feet which would make Jesse pretty average size for her kind. Compared to my nearly 6 feet makes her seem incredibly small. I catch myself staring and quickly turn my head toward my own supplies. Jesse catches my arm before I can make it out the door.

“My mate and I are having a game night at our place tonight. I was wondering if you might like to join?” the smile on her face makes it difficult to say no, but I have to.

I can feel my mouth drop down into a small frown. I try to stop it before she notices, but I fear I’m too late when I see her smile falter. “I appreciate the invitation, I really do. I just don’t think I’m ready to be out socializing just yet. Maybe some day in the future, though.” I say on a sigh. We both know I’m lying. She’s kind enough not to call me out on it though.

“That’s ok Cinna, I understand. I’ll let him know you can’t make it. I hope someday soon we can hangout outside of work. I like you so far and I think we could both use a friend that understands our struggles. I’m patient though, I’ll wait.” She says with a smirk, causing a small laugh to leave me.

“I like you too you weirdo. Have a great game night. I’ll see you on Monday.” I give her a small wave as I leave to finally head home. Nothing like rejecting a kind person to put you in a self pity mood I guess.

          Once I’m home, I drop onto my worn couch to watch some mind numbing show. I don’t even look at the name. I just need noise at this point. Silence becomes too much sometimes and I just need a show or music on in the background to keep my mind from running away. As I stand to make myself some food, I see almost a maroon colored mist swirling around my hands. I stare for a long minute trying to decide on whether I’m crazy or not. If I am crazy and I react like what I’m seeing is real then that would just reinforce the crazy. I take a deep breath, shake my hands out and move on like it didn’t happen. I don’t have magic, never have. Even if I did, maroon is not a color you would see for an elf’s magic. I am also pretty certain I would’ve felt something if it had been my magic. Maybe I should get out more. I think I am going insane. I close my eyes and whisper “another problem for another day.”

             I quickly move on from that debacle to get some food in me. I’m probably just exhausted. I wouldn’t call it sleep when the whole night is filled with nightmares. I have considered getting a sleeping aid, like a sleeping potion or something less intense like the teas or powders you can get just down the street at a grocery store, but I’m worried it will lock me in my nightmares instead of let me sleep without them. Either way, it isn’t something I am willing to do just yet. For now, I grab the salad out of the fridge that I premade. I need some sustenance in me before I can try sleep all over again. After the salad has been polished off, I drop the bowl in the sink and head to the bathroom. I get the shower started before I grab a towel and pajamas. The hot water is a bitch and takes easily 15 minutes to warm up. I may have accepted my new life, but I will not accept a cold shower. You gotta have boundaries and this is mine.

               It’s nice to get clean before bed, it relaxes me in a way that nothing else seems to be able to lately. I slide in between the soft cyan sheet and mahogany comforter. They were one of the first things I purchased for myself and I appreciate them every time I slip into bed. It may seem like a weird combo to others, but I think the teal and dark brown really work together. At least in my opinion. Once my head hits the pillow, everything fades and I’m asleep. For once my brain lets me get a couple hours of rest before reminding me of everything I chose to ignore.