جميع فصول : الفصل -الفصل 30

Maybe I'm an addict. Maybe he's my own personal drug, my own breed of liquor. When I look at him now, in the front seat, driving, I can't help but think about jerking the wheel and colliding with the monstrous tree just ahead. It's the call of the void. It's that one split second where the real darkness within seeps out and takes over. My eyes stare at the wheel, my hand fists my shirt, then I glance off out the window.I try to do things that are good for me, sometimes. I convince myself that I'm not going to give in again, but when you're addicted to something, who knows. Maybe I don't care anymore. Being hurt is familiar, unlike our moments when he's kind to me. Those moments are more frequent, and I'm worried that I'll grow used to them. Is it wrong to feel grounded when I'm hurting? I don't know anything else. What if I won't like being happy?

I hurry downstairs after hearing James call for me, saying Theodore is here. Turning to the foyer, I find the two talking, but they don't seem to notice me. James is saying something quietly, sounding quite serious. Not knowing if I should interrupt, I hang back and drift closer, hoping someone sees me eventually. I watch as James places his hand on Theodore's shoulder. "Understand?"Theodore nods and his eyes find me. He motions and James turns around."Are you ready?" James asks as I walk in. Theodore opens the door for us, but just as I make my move to walk out, James holds me.I look up at him with a smile. "I'm ready to go.""Just be careful. Don't do anything reckless, and stay on the land."

I stand in the mirror and run a comb through my hair, brushing through it before bed. My mind cannot stop wandering to earlier when James and I kissed on his bed, and the thought makes me giddy. My cheeks have been stained red, and my lip quivers as his lips haunt mine. I feel like a young girl, the one I never was. The girl that kissed a boy in the trees then ran off to tell her friends about it, only I have no friends here. There's James, then Gail and Theresa, Theodore, Will, Claire, my mother, Noah... Is it sad that I can list all of the people I've interacted with through these past few months?I need to find a friend, and not the kind of friends the girls at my pack used to have—always talking about each other—but a real friend. Obviously, Claire won't work, and Theodore probably finds me annoying. Gail and Theresa are lovely, but I need someone my age. Preferably a gir

Setting down the diary, I look at the clock and see that it's almost time for dinner. Needing a break from Julianna's thoughts, I get up from my bed and make my way to the door, wanting to see if I can help Theresa prepare. Just as I reach for the door handle, it opens. I jump and notice James on the other side. "Oh, hi, I was just going downstairs to help with dinner," I say, feeling my heart calm down."Sorry to scare you," he says, coming inside, "but my father insists on helping with the pack until I'm fully healed. He wants to come over tonight so I can brief him on recent issues, so you can't be here."I nod, slowly. "So where will I go?""Theodore is going to keep you busy until he leaves. The gathering is tonight so I thought he could take you to that. It will onl

James took the diaries from my bedroom. He said I can't read them anymore. He put them in the library and locked the door and moved the shelf in front of it and told me to stay away. He said he was going to call the doctor but I begged him not to. I told him that if he did, I would leave. I was emotional at the time.I still have my books and my music and my mother, and I talk to her every night now. I don't care about our disagreements anymore. She doesn't know about what I did, though. If she did, she would drag me back home.I eat all of my meals with James or Gail and Theresa. I assume he told them so they can keep an eye on me. I shower with the door open and one of them sits in my bedroom as I do so. If I want to shave, they fetch a razor. One of them is always in the kitchen. They don't talk about sad things anymore, only positiv