4. Alone

Standing on my favorite spot, the swing on the front porch, I was cuddled in a warm blanket. I was barely swinging, busy writing messages on my phone with my best friend Amelia. She was bombarding me with questions about my sudden decision to go to my parents for the holidays.

“No, there is nothing wrong about it! I just wish I had a cute little village to go to for a warm winter celebration.” Amelia’s last message read.

Hugging my knees, I smiled at her party mood. She was not a traditionalist. Going with me to my parents’ house would be odd for her. Amelia liked the modern way of celebrating. She would just go to a place where unfamiliar people wear expensive clothes, drink too much, and eat gourmet dishes. Fancy, but without a drop of traditions.

“Stop kidding me! I know you, remember?” I wrote back to her, shaking my head.

The sound of footsteps on the fresh snow announced that I was no longer alone. Lifting my eyes to see who was coming towards the house, I saw a grinning Matt. He was dressed in a warm black jacket and a scarf in the colors of the American flag. In each hand, he had a big red mug with some steamy beverage.

“Hey!” I said to him in a form of greeting.

“Hey, M!” He responded, climbing the three stairs of the porch.

I followed him with my eyes, unable to hide my smile. His positive mood was spreading like a ray of sun after a rainy day. My soul needed to feel excited and happy and Matt never disappointed me. Since I could walk, I was used to seeing him as the fun and cheerful friend, living next door. It was never boring.

“This one is for you.” Matt pushed one of the mugs in my hands when he was before me.

“For me? How would you know that I needed it?” I bit my lip to prevent my smile from spreading across my face.

“Because I was watching you from my window and I noticed the young lady had nothing but a blanket to warm herself in this winter’s morning.” Matt proudly stated, then winked at me playfully.

His attention was making me forget my heart was broken. I was not sure if I was single, but after suffering with Adrian for so long, I thought talking with a guy who liked me was some form of revenge. Not that I was this kind of person, but without the man I had since high school, I didn’t know who I was. It seemed like all I was was his girlfriend.

“Oh, so you were spying on me, Mr.?” I decided to play along.

“How can I not? You being outside was outshining the winter sun. For sure, you would be warmer than the sun is today!” He joked and shook his body as he was dusting off the cold from his clothes.

I laughed at him, hiding my face by inspecting the content of my mug. It smelled like milk with cocoa. It was my favorite drink on Christmas. With my peripheral vision, I saw him leaning his back on a wooden column of the porch. Just like we used to do when I was growing up. He would rest his tall figure there, and I would swing while we chatted about everyday problems.

“Thank you. I love cocoa milk around Christmas.” I announced truthfully, glancing at his blue irises.

“I know. I remember.” Matt’s smile widened, provoking me to reflect his actions.

“I think I missed this,” I confessed.

“What do you miss exactly?” He teased me, leaning a little towards me to look intently at my red cheeks.

My phone rang with a new message. Just on time to save me from his intense stare. I checked my mobile and read “Talk to you later.” from Amelia. Acting like it was some long and important text, I bought some time before answering my neighbor.

“Well...us. Spending some time together, casually talking.” I finally responded.

“Oh, I didn’t know there was an ‘us’,” Matt’s smirk illuminated his features, but the ice in his eyes warmed my heart.

He was acting like we were just two teens, flirting. As all was simple and possible. No matter how much time had passed since we last stood like that on my porch, no matter how our lives continued since then, I felt as if I was special and wanted. I missed this feeling...being important and desired.

“Are you flirting with me, Mr.?” I gathered the courage to look him boldly straight in the eyes.

“Why not, Milady?” His smile faded a little, letting a serious note excite my heart.

How was I so blind about his attractive looks for all those years when I lived here? Or was I ignoring them because of Adrian?

I just giggled, nervously sipping from my mug. There was no way to tell him why without revealing my problems with Adrian. After all, I wasn’t sure if my long relationship ended, or if it was some crazy rough period.

Changing the subject to the local holiday festivities, I kept my gaze mostly on the sparkling snow resting on the front yard. All I knew was that Matt intrigued me and every time our eyes met, I had an electrifying feeling. The same feeling I once felt with Adrian.

***

“Can’t a person live without love?” I whispered in frustration and tossed my mobile on the sofa.

Then, I stared into the TV, not really watching the Christmas movie. There was no new message from Adrian. I wanted him to write something, but there was nothing new after the Blizzard night. At the same time I hoped he would not write to me. Some masochistic part of me wanted to stay mad at him.

I could hear Mom and Dad talking about the festivities in out village, but I had mixed feelings about it. Then, I decided I might burst if I don’t share my thoughts with someone.

“Christmas used to be a romantic and light holiday for me…” I typed on my phone and hit the button to send it to Amelia.

“Why isn’t it anymore?” Came as an answer almost instantly.

Knowing her, she was already holding her phone when I messaged. Social media was her thing. She was addicted to it even before it became her job. To be responsible for the internet look of a popular celebrity singer was actually the way she earned her bread…so much more than only bread. Amelia was constantly complaining how spoiled her boss was and about the messes she had to hide from his fans. Yet, her job was her hobby and the salary - amazing.

“Because I am now alone.” I responded and regret filled me as soon as I sent it.

I stared into my message with widened eyes as if someone had sent it to me. To inform ME I was alone.

Was I? Alone?!

“What do you mean?” Her question came a bit slowly than usual.

“I am not sure if I am still with Ad-” I stared, then cleared and wrote again “I came alone.” Then added “Without Adrian.”

“WTF?” She wrote and a surprised emoji followed. “Is he sick, or busy?”

“We had a fight and I left.” I wrote with trembling fingers.

“OMG!” I read and tossed my phone on the seat next to me.

I could feel my insides turn and my head felt odd. I tried to see if my parents would notice, but only saw my father’s left shoulder showing through the door.

“Surely, we can bake two pies if the mayor says.” Mother said in a high tone, passionately talking.

Deep breaths in and out, I closed my eyes to regain control.

“You are the first person I am saying about this. Pls, don’t say a word to another.” I grabbed my mobile and admitted it to my friend. “I feel like I might faint.”

Ignoring whatever she had written after her “OMG” message, I let my phone slide from my lap to my feet and hid my face in my palms.

Before I had a minute to myself…or maybe to faint, I was startled by a surprised guy’s voice “M, what the Hell?”