LOGINShare
To Be or Not To Be
Last Updated:
2024-10-29 19:42:56“Mom I need you to sign this form, we are taking a field trip.” My eldest son was holding a paper out for me to sign, as I am in the kitchen stirring noodles for dinner.
“Alright just set it on the table, I will sign it after I finish up dinner. What are the other kids doing?” I ask Levi.
“Savannah is reading a book, and Jacob is currently playing a game upstairs.” Levi said with a sigh.
“What is wrong kiddo? You seem down.” I ask him out of curiosity.
“I am not down, just bored. Shawn is at a birthday party, and Kenny is at his dads house.” Shawn and Kenny are Levi’s best friends and they can usually be found hanging out together during the day. My son goes quiet for a moment before he gets a little nervous. “Mom, um are we going to have to go to Dad’s house, like Kenny does?”
Related chapters
Wrong Way Up A New Routine
Life was falling into a new routine, and I can not say that I was all too happy with the way things were going. Kendra was working but was still not helping much with the bills. She was going out a lot more too, and although I did not feel like I had a say in her personal life it was quickly impacting my life. Instead of helping to pay the rent, or the electric bill, she was more worried about her party life. She was coming home drunk, stumbling over furniture and being very noisy. Often times her racket would wake either me or the kids. When her children would visit on weekends, I would find myself cleaning up after them, and ensuring that they ate. Kendra was spiraling out of control, and I was not sure what to do about it.I tried to talk to Kendra about the bill situation, informing her that she needed to start paying to live there or she needed to go back to Kelly’s house. Kendra would make promises that she would get some of the
Wrong Way Up Shattered Beyond Repair
I have finished getting dressed for work right as Donavon makes it to the house to watch over the kids. He does not knock, walking in as if he still lives there.“Why did you need me here if Kendra is here?” He asks me barley keeping the anger from boiling over in his words.“She is drunk, and I do not trust her to keep an eye on the kids if there is an emergency while she is like this. I put her to bed as soon as she stumbled in the door. I am not asking you to do much Donavon, just stay here and sleep and handle the kids if anything should pop up.” I am already exhausted talking to him. Just seeing him releases a tornado of emotion inside me. It is like there are two parts of my body and brain that react to him. On one hand I can see the boy that I married, he has not changed much in the looks department and I have always found him handsome. On the other hand, looking at him churns my stoma
Wrong Way Up The Music Goes On
One good thing that came out of this morning is that the kids had a splendid breakfast. I made them pancakes, eggs, bacon, and sausage. It is not normal for me to cook breakfast, and especially not a feast like this. I needed to keep moving though, if I stopped the sight of them in my living room floods my mind. After the kids have eaten, I grab the broom and dustpan so that I can go sweep up the glass from the broken bottle. I know that later the kids will be in the living room, and I would not be able to forgive myself if one of them got hurt because of my stupid anger.I hate that I even have to walk back into my living room. It feels tainted now. I am mad at myself for throwing the bottle against the wall. Now I have to be the one to clean up the mess. I guess that is what I always do, clean up messes. I sigh as I move the chair away from the wall. I am going to have to pull out the vacuum to clean the glass off of the chair. As I sweep
Wrong Way Up Friends Are Not Lovers
Looking down at my phone I am hating the fact that I have to work tonight. I could use a moment where I do not have to think at all, just feel and react. Jayce’s message is asking me how my day was. I do not know if I should be honest with him. Yes, we had an amazing talk, where we both opened up about our life but would today be too much for him to handle? Would I farther be crossing the line if I told him that I was not doing well? Evidently, I take too long pondering how to answer because he sends another text. This time he is asking if he did anything wrong.Obviously, I am overthinking the situation. I quickly let him know that no he did nothing wrong I am just having a bad day. He asks if I want to come over. I tell him that I would love to but that I have to work tonight. He sends me a sad emoji face. I agree with him it is sad. Just thinking about Jayce’s hands and lips on my body is enough to make me wet. Then he asks m
Wrong Way Up Static Brain
My life quickly fell into a new routine. The kids were helping around the house more. I switched from caregiving at night, to caregiving during the day. The bills were still piling up quickly, so I took a second job that was part time working as a bartender. I did not get to see Jayce that much anymore, but we have shared a few more nights of unbridled passion. The sex was definitely my favorite stress relief. I filed for child support from Donavon, but nicely got informed that because he is considered a disabled Veteran there was not much that they could do. They could not garnish his disability check, and he never applied for social security, so the children do not get benefits from that either. I basically get told that I can pursue a child support case if I want to, but it would be a huge waste of my time.It seemed like no matter how much I worked the bills got higher and higher, and there was no help in sight. I used coupons to help c
Wrong Way Up Ghosted
Jayce and I keep up steadily texting back and forth for a few weeks after his visit to the bar. Unfortunately, I still do not have a lot of time, but I have found a few times to go and see him. I keep thinking that eventually the sex will get dull or lose the spark that seems to consume us, but it does not happen. Each time is a little different, exciting, and new. I have gotten comfortable with our situation, and sometimes I am the aggressor now. At times we spend the whole time humping each other, other times we cuddle and talk afterwards. Feelings are definitely forming, for both of us; at least I think they are. Even on nights that we do not get to see each other we text or call. He still sends me music when I need it most, often times I play it when I am closing up the bar.Christmas is not the same this year for anyone in the house. The church adopted the kids for Christmas and their gifts are wrapped under the tree. No matter how har
Wrong Way Up Long Way Down
At the end of January, I knew that Jayce and I were done. He never responded to any of my text messages, and he sent all my calls to voicemail. I hate that I was the reason we ended the brief interlude that we had. I missed feeling his hands on my body, and I really missed having him as a friend that I could talk to. I was mad at myself for reading too much into our time. I really thought that Jayce liked me as more than just a person he was having sex with. Perhaps men are not like women and they can freely have sex without ever developing a deeper connection. I cried a few times over the situation, but at the end of the day life went on.I was still working crazy hours, although with Christmas out of the way things were starting to look up slightly. Levi was doing an excellent job helping take care of his siblings. I still harbor a lot of guilt for needing to lean on my own child, but I did not have any other options. The kids were actual
Wrong Way Up The Male Version of Me
A few days later and I realized that online dating was my newest form of comedy. I had not found anyone yet that I was even remotely interested in dating on the site. I had received more dick pictures than one could ever want. I also had plenty of offers of guys wanting to quote “tap that ass” amongst other derogatory statements. I did have a few conversations that began really good, but there always seemed to be something that just did not vibe the farther we talked. Like one guy I was really enjoying talking to decided to let me know that he does not like kids, obviously him and I had no real future because I have kids. At this point, I am starting to think that there is no one out there for me.A couple of days later while I was on lunch break at work, I received another message on the dating site. I opened it, curious as to whether I was going to get another penis pick, or if it was a real conversation. I opened up the messa
Latest chapter
Wrong Way Up Definition
The next week was very hectic. I ended up having two long days at work, and it was proving difficult to work my schedule around Jayce’s schedule and taking the kids to their various activities. I felt on edge all the time, even at the supermarket because I was afraid that Jax would do something to my vehicle again.A follow up phone call confirmed that there were no cameras in the area that would have been able to capture Jax messing with my car that night. I was beyond frustrated that he could continue to harass me and get away with it.One of the few silver linings to my week was that I had not seen Jax again face to face. Although Jayce had stood up for me last time, I could not help but to fear that I would run into Jax without having Jayce with me.Jayce had practically moved into the house with me and the kids. Although he still had his trailer, because Jax was an ever-present threat to my safety he was staying at the house. I would be a liar if I sa
Wrong Way Up Nuts and Bolts
The next morning Jayce placed a call to his mechanic friend while I made us some coffee. The kids had plans with their youth group, and I was lucky that they had a ride into town. With Jax being out of jail I worried whenever they were gone, but today they were taking a trip up the mountain to do some mushroom hunting. Morel mushrooms grew wild on the mountain and the group had found some last year and wanted to explore even more this year.Jayce came down and informed me that his friend had some time this afternoon to come and look at the car. I confirmed once again that it was not going to cost me anything, and Jayce reassured me that he had already spoken to him about it. I felt a pang of guilt at making Jayce use a favor to help me, but it was imperative that I have the car running well. Living outside of town was great for isolation, but we definitely needed a vehicle to get back and forth to town.Since we had time, we quickly settled into a morning routine of cl
Wrong Way Up Same Old Song and Dance
Living in a small town has some advantages. Everyone seems to know everyone else’s business. It did not take long for word to get back to me that Jax was seeing a new girl. Well technically it was a previous girlfriend that he got back together with. I was astounding that she would subject herself to his abuse all over again, but then I also wondered if he was just more abusive with me.That train of thought led to me wondering if I was incapable of being loved properly. Afterall my ex-husband cheated on me, Jax abused me, and I still did not know where I stood with Jayce. Speaking of Jayce things with him were not bad. We spent most days and nights together, we acted like a couple, yet neither of us seemed capable of broaching the subject of whether or not we were dating.To say that it was a confusing time would be an understatement of the well of emotion that I seemed caught in. Most days I felt like I was fine, like I could pretend that the past year with Jax
Wrong Way Up Small Town Big Talk
Jayce got called into work the following morning. In truth I was relieved because it helped dispel some of the awkwardness of the moment. I had zero regrets about what we had done last night, but I could not help but wonder if Jayce did. Jayce has always seemed worldly, and experienced. I have always feared that I disappoint him in the bedroom. Once I had dropped Jayce off, I had some time on my hands. I wished yet again that Emily was home. I could use a good morning coffee, and conversation.Since Emily still was not home, and I had nothing else to get done I headed home and made a pot of coffee for myself. Sitting on the couch with my legs curled under me, I contemplated whether last night would change the relationship that Jayce and I have. More importantly did I want our relationship to change?There is a huge part of me that fears losing the wonderful friendship that I have with Jayce. I have not made that many genuine connections in my life, and I certainly do n
Wrong Way Up Blooming Rose
Jayce pulls me into the room that I still have not slept in. He slides his hand through my hair, softly brushing his thumb over my cheekbone. “Noel, are you a hundred percent sure that you want this?” His touch has already awakened a dull aching need for him within my body.“Jayce, I need this. I need to remember what it feels like to be touched with love, instead of hate. I need to remember what passion truly feels like. I need to remember how sex can feel when it is wanted and needed.” My voice is raspy as he trails kisses along my neck.I clumsily reach for the hem of Jayce’s shirt. I want to feel his skin against mine, I need to feel that heat. Jayce turns me slightly and we move towards the bed. As he lowers me softly on the mattress, he removes the shirt that I fumbled with earlier. I cannot help my wandering eyes, as I my gaze drops lower. I have always enjoyed Jayce’s chest. He has a few tattoos along his pectorals, and a few
Wrong Way Up Sleepover
I was nervous and distracted at work the next day. I could not stop the irrational fear that somehow Jax was going to find out where I was working, or worse find out where I lived and mess with the kids while I was at work. I probably called Levi ten times asking if everything was going good at the house. By the time my shift ended I felt like I was a complete basket case. As I climbed in my car, I was already dialing Jayce’s number, and he answered on the first ring.“Hey beautiful how was work?” Hearing his voice helped to relax me a little bit.“Work was ok, but I have been anxious all day thinking that Jax was somehow going to find out where I am at. I think I called the kids a million times today.” I tried to laugh that last part, but even I could hear the tension in my voice.“That is a completely normal response to everything that is going on. Everything is going to work out, I just know it. So, I have a bag packed if y
Wrong Way Up Clarification and Anger
“What exactly is a plea bargain?” When the attorney did not continue, I felt that I needed to ask. From the glances she was giving the victim assistance worker I could only assume that I was not going to like the answer she was about to give me.“A plea bargain is where I give Jax a set of conditions that he must fulfill and in return he accepts the charges, and we avoid a full trial.” It seemed as if the attorney was dancing around the subject instead of giving me the straight facts.“What are the conditions you are asking for, and what exactly would his charges be?” The longer this meeting was taking, the more my rage was building. It seems as if Jax has the world convinced that he is a great guy, and that him beating me was just a fluke.“At this time Jax has been in jail for almost three weeks. I would ask that does sixty days in jail, he would need to complete drug and alcohol classes, as well as an anger management
Wrong Way Up Plea Bargain
The day after I had dinner with Jayce, I got a call from the victim assistance worker, and the prosecuting attorney. They wanted to have a meeting with me regarding what was going to happen in court and how they wanted to proceed. I was anxious to get court over with. I knew that Jax was appointed an attorney, so I was hoping that meant that things were going to start going quickly. I set up the meeting for the next day.Today was my first day back at work and I was slightly nervous. I was happy to be making money again, but this was a new place with new people. I used to be outgoing and willing to talk to anyone, but now I questioned everyone and worried that they would be friends with Jax. I knew that most of today would be orientation, so I was not too stressed.I was surprised to find that the day flew by. My new coworkers were older than I was, but they were pleasant people to talk to. They seemed genuinely kind and caring, although I could tell that my boss had a
Wrong Way Up Old Friends, New Memories
I had been nervous about seeing Jayce in person. We had not seen each other in so long. I had no idea if showing up at his work was the right thing to do, but he was still smiling as he walked over to me. He quickly gave me a hug and told me I looked good. I wanted to get lost in his warm embrace. It felt nice just being able to see him again. I was surprised that old feelings began to stir, and I wondered if this truly had been a good idea.“Wow I cannot believe you are here. Wait why are you here?” Jayce was a little shocked and slightly confused. I had never come into his work before, and this usually never stopped at this gas station.“Well, I was still moving a few things, and after we had talked last night, I did not want to wait to see you. It seems like both of us have schedules and we keep missing each other, so I decided to stop here to see you.” I rushed my explanation out, hoping that it did not sound lame. Hearing the words made me
