Ch.1-Still heartbroken.

JAMAL'S POINT OF VIEW

Being in New Jersey at this time of the year, or any time of the year, or better yet, being in New Jersey at all, ever, was not in my life plan.

I hated New Jersey when my mom and I first moved here, and not just anywhere, but in the worst part of it, in the ghettos, not that before we lived in a better part of another city because she liked drugs and she never could hold a job longer than a few weeks, so, we were always poor, but at least in California was warm.

Anyway, I hated it until I met him, then, I loved it and wouldn’t have traded it for any luxurious, warm island in the entire world.

I met him two days after we moved, I was coming home from school, and two boys picked on me. They were older and bigger, and they pushed me around and ripped my only jacket, which was not very warm as it was, but it was better than the nothing they left me with.

I was on the ground when I first heard his loud voice, yelling at them to leave me alone, and when I looked back, I saw the most beautiful boy I have ever seen in my life.

It was at that moment that I realized that I'm gay.

My fast heartbeats that were almost cracking my ribs from fear started racing even faster, but now it had nothing to do with fear, it had everything to do with him.

He was about 5 ft 10 when I was barely 5 ft 4, his light brown hair with natural dirty blond highlights was loose, and beautiful waves were reaching his shoulders, while my hair was jet black, not Afro-textured because my dad was white and my mom was just half black, but it's not straight, I have curls, but the kind you can run your fingers through.

His skin was white and flawless, while mine is, as he used to put it, a sandy complexion, smooth, and just a tad tawny, and as he came closer, I instantly fell in love with the most mesmerizing baby blue eyes I have ever seen.

I was so enchanted that I didn’t even realize that I’m still on the ground, I wasn’t even cold anymore, I was... floating, unable to take my eyes off of him.

I remember how he smiled at me soothingly and extended his hand for me to take it, which was big in comparison to mine, and it took me a few to recover and take it, then, with a gentle but firm grip, he pulled me off the ground and guided me so I would be hidden behind him while he and his best friend took care of the bullies.

“Are you hurt?” I remember him asking with worried eyes while looking at me from head to toe for injuries, and if I hadn’t had a darker skin tone, I’m sure that I would have been fire red.

I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t answer, so I just extended my hands and showed him my wounded palms, which he took and examined, then, with a gentle smile, he looked back into my dark brown eyes.

“We’ll fix that, but first, take your jacket off. It’s wet and ripped.” He demanded in a soft voice, and I shook my head.

“I.it’s f.f.fine...” I stuttered like a small little boy with a crush, and, as I felt again that hot wave washing through me, I looked away, afraid that he might see that I liked him.

“Sweet. But give me the jacket.” My heart skipped beats and flipped inside my chest for the first time in my life when he called me sweet, and I remember that my stomach literally turned upside down, giving me the impression that I'd throw up from giddiness, and of course, it’s useless to say that I couldn’t answer, my voice was lost, so I just shook my head.

I was ashamed to tell him that I didn’t have another one, and I didn’t even want to think about what mom would do to me when she saw it, but I still couldn't give it to him.

“Ok, then. I guess I’ll have to take it myself.” When I heard that, my head snapped at him, but before I got the chance to say anything, he was unzipping it, took it off, then wrapped me in his red jacket, which he had most probably taken off when I was looking at my worn, ripped, shoes as if they were the most interesting thing in the world.

I wanted to protest, but before I got to open my mouth, he talked.

“It looks better on you.” His voice was smooth, and even if he was 14, it was deep, and I experienced the first shivers that turned my skin into goosebumps.

The jacket reached my mid-thighs, and it covered more than half of my hands, leaving outside only a small part of my fingers. I knew that I looked ridiculous, but I felt good, and the scent of fresh detergent that smelled like earth smells after the rain, made me feel safe, and that was another feeling that I never felt before, and God knows that I never wanted to end.

“N.no... It d.d.doesn’t...” I stuttered again, and I’m certain that he thought that I had a speech impediment.

“What do you say, Dee? Who’s right?” He asked the big guy he was with, who, later I found out that was his best friend, DeShawn, and who later became my best friend also, but who ended up being my worst enemy.

“He looks hilarious but sweet.” My fake best friend answered with a huge smile, which at the time seemed genuine, and I hid my face in the jacket so they wouldn’t see my enormous smile.

“Tris, I think he likes you.” My breath stopped altogether with my heart, and I looked up at him, afraid that he'd bully me or get angry at me. It happened before even though I didn't even like that boy, I just zoned out and so it happened that he was in front of me, and he started to call me names like fag, fairy, creep, and made fun of me every chance he got, bullying me because I was also poor and mixed, but Tristan just smiled sweetly.

“I wish, but he doesn’t. He’s probably just shy. Aren’t you, Bambi?” Hearing him say I wish, made my heart beat so hard that I really thought I'd faint, and God is my witness that I really melted at that nickname.

“B.b.b.bambi?” I asked while looking into his baby blue eyes which were looking at me with endearment, or so I thought then.

“Yes. You have big brown eyes, just like Bambi, and you look like a deer in front of a bus right now.” He said with the same smile on his beautiful face that reached his baby blue eyes, making them shine even brighter, and Dee chuckled but agreed with him.

Anyway, we got together in less than a week at Ma’s dinner, and I froze when he told me that he liked me, and when he asked if I liked him back, I just nodded because I couldn't find my voice, -that happened a lot around him-, then, when he leaned to kiss me, he saw that I wasn’t breathing, but he reassured me with his smooth and soothing voice and with his gentle smile, which, as always, reached those baby blue eyes that made my heart skip beat after beat after beat.

“It’s ok, Bambi. This is my first kiss as well, but we’ll learn together, ok?” I believed him then, but after I saw his true colors, I realized that it was all an act, a four-year-long act that almost cost me my future.

Why did he do it? I’m still trying to find the answer. I have a few ideas, I had ten years to think about everything over and over again, and one would be that he wanted to make Dee jealous even though he said he's straight, but clearly, he lied since he ended up in his bed.

The point is that I was just someone to pass the time with, someone that he used until he got his true love until he got Dee.

I shake my head to get rid of the memories that wouldn’t go away no matter what I did and do and curse myself for hurting even now, but being here, in the same town as they are, makes it very hard to push away those terrible memories.

I left New Jersey ten years ago after I saw them half-naked in bed, making out, Dee kissing his neck, and him... he was holding on to Dee’s hips so hard as if he was afraid that someone will take him away... and they didn’t even pull apart when I caught them, he didn’t even pretend to be sorry... they didn’t even look at me...

I remember how my world shattered, how tears rolled down my cheeks instantly and felt like hot, painful, lava that burned everything in its path, the air was not knocked out from my lungs, it was sucked by the pain that I never thought it was possible to feel.

The sounds of my broken and desperate voice still echo through my head, the pain in it still hurts, and their reaction still cuts through my broken heart like a hot knife through butter.

“Tris... ple-ase, I’m b-begging you... look.. at me.” I tried, but I was met with painful silence that only fueled the desperation and hurt inside of me.

“Tris, I’ll do anything, I swear! Just don’t leave me, Tris! Baby... please!” I begged again and again, but it was in vain, and as my hope that they'd pull apart, that Tris would take me in his big arms and kiss my tears and pain away, diminished, my voice got even more broken, the sobs barely allowed me to talk, I don’t even know if he understood everything I said, but he heard my excruciating pain... everyone would have heard it.

“Tell me what I did wrong... I promise I won’t do it again... Or... or... if you don’t like me... I can change... I’ll change, baby... I swear... or... or... or... if you want... to experiment with... someone else... I can accept... it... just tell me what... to do... just... don’t leave me, Tris...” I begged pathetically as I started walking towards them so they could see how much it hurts me... maybe they would take pity on me and stop, pull apart... I didn’t care about pride, all I wanted was for him to love me.

“Do you hear yourself? You’re pathetic.” His cold voice and deadly words froze the small pieces that my heart broke into, and killed me, took my strength away, my knees buckled painfully, and I fell to the ground like a broken shell of a human that I was slowly turning into.

“PULL APART!!!” The scream of pain that I released echoed in the small room, but it was like they didn’t hear it because they didn’t even move.

Seeing that I had no chance with him, in my desperation I tried to convince Dee to listen to me.

“Dee... please don’t take him away from me. I’m begging you, Dee... he’s my world... you know that... please... don’t, Dee... don’t... please look at me, Dee... you’re my best friend... my brother... brothers don’t... do this... it hurts... Dee... don’t take my world away...” I begged and begged between broken sobs and hot tears of utter pain, but he didn’t listen to me either, he didn’t even reply.

“I don’t... understand, Tris... you said... you said you love me...” I tried to talk a little clearer so he could understand me, but I regretted it when he killed me with another cold answer.

“And I lied.” I think that that was the moment when every single fiber of my being was destroyed, then, to make it worse, he whispered something to Dee as if I was a stranger that he had to hide from.

“What did... you say?” I tried... God... I tried to become a part of them again, but they wouldn’t let me no matter how much I begged...

“Jamal, go away. I waited way too long for this so you would ruin it. Take a hint and leave.” And that was what broke me beyond repair. It was for the first time that he called me anything other than Bambi when we were alone, and his voice was like a woodchopper that turned on inside of me and ripped all of me into pieces, and no matter how hard I tried, and I’m still trying, I can’t fix myself, and I hate him for that, I hate Dee, but mostly, I hate myself for not seeing that coming, for allowing me to make him my Universe.

So, I decided to accept the scholarship that Harvard offered me, a scholarship that I was about to turn down just to stay with him, and I avoided coming back here at all costs, but now, my assistant and best friend, -who is filthy rich and is coming from some royalty, and who ended up working for me because he wanted to rebel against his parents by taking a job, and so we met-, is at some family gathering, with duchesses and lords, which are aunts and uncles of his, and I had to come and take care of a contract that I would have refused if it wasn’t so important, but it’s a really big contract, and I decided that even though my past haunts me day and night, I won’t let it dictate my future.

I worked hard to start this company, and only I know how many sleepless nights I had, not to mention how hard it was for me, a mixed, gay man, to get inside the straight and mostly white men's world, to be taken seriously and earn my respect.

Only I know how many times I was looked down upon, how many times I saw the wives of those uptight bastards hiding their purses when I would attend a party, the disgusted glares that I had to put up with, so there's no way in hell or heaven that I'll lose a contract this big because of them.

The ring of my phone brings me out of my daily nightmare, and I swallow the lump that’s always in my throat, but which becomes bigger when I think of those details, take a few breaths and close my eyes, which, against my wishes, are tearing, push the painful tears away, which, even though I hate to admit it, they would have fallen if not for my phone ringing, clear my throat so my voice wouldn’t come as I feel, broken and in pain, and answer without looking who’s calling because any distraction is a very welcomed one right now.