Chapter five

I splashed water on my face several times, but nothing changed.

The girl in the mirror was someone I knew well, eyes twisted and bloodshot, completely lacking warmth, an ugly face, and a very fat body. Except she was now a redhead.

I could not scrub my hair anymore without peeling off my skin. Whatever chemical that stupid drink was made of had dyed my hair red.

Pain demanded to be felt, and that was what I was going to do. If I was hurting, I needed to see a scar, some blood, not just pain without evidence.

Nervously, I took the scalpel I got from home science and pressed it on my wrist. I then added a little pressure. Just a little more, and the pain would go away; the pain would turn to pleasure.

I made the first thin cut, and blood appeared in small dotted lines. Then more diagonal cuts. The blood came out artistically. Making my wrists look beautiful, like tiers in a railroad truck. For the first time, something in me was beautiful and uniquely artistic.

As the small cuts became more beautiful, I pictured a parade of ugly people like me, all belonging together and loving each other.

But that would never happen because people need to know. They don't furrow between layers of self-acceptance and never being one as I do.

Quickly I unbraided my pigtails and tried drying my hair in the hand dryer. It didn't help much; it was heavily curled, making me look even worse.

I was going to go through today, kill Mr. Thomas and make Vince suffer, let my revenge shake him to the core.

* * *

" Fatrez! Fatrez," Voices greeted me as I walked into class. What did I do this round? Was it my almost-red hair?

" Fatbobo, fat bobo," won't they just keep quiet?

Then they broke into a song that we sang during PPI, Editing the details.

Uncaring Faaaatrez, uncaring Fatrez,,

Uncaring Fatrez, what a wonder you are,

We hate you so much, uncaring Fatrez

Uncaring Fatrez, what a wonder you are!

This doesn't affect me; it doesn't shake me, I repeated in my head. That's noise, and it can't get to my soul. It was a free lesson, and I would go straight to my seat and start scheming for my revenge.

All the parrots rattling would get tired, thirsty, and die.

But something was awfully wrong; people from Vince's class were here. It wasn't my read hair or weight this round; it was something else. Something big, and I could feel it.

That's when I saw it, my diary.

Dear God, I'm officially fucked...

His best friend was holding a page from my diary, and it seemed he had read it to the class.

I never read an entry twice; each page had my honest feelings and opinions.

"Keep quiet," Ryan, his friend, called.

"There is a more interesting one."

" To all the boys..." He began, and I literally screamed, heading for him.

" No, please, don't do that," I cried.

If he read that page, I would be finished, I wouldn't be a human anymore.

The information in that entry was enough to blow my whole life apart.

As I struggled to go to the front, the other students held me down on my seat and held my mouth shut.

It was even more fun when I didn't want the entry to be read. So I kept quiet to disappoint them.

Ryan cleared his throat to get everyone's attention and kept delaying to make it more interesting.

" To," he started before clearing his throat.

" If the home is where the heart belongs, then as a traveler, my home is nomadic, and I'll always follow him."

" That's the introduction, and it's getting steamy and hot, and we are coming down to names, not just names; it could be you or me in Fatrez's heart," he said.

The class roared and clapped happily, waiting for the names and looking at each other.

" To All the boys I've ever loved," he finally read the sentence in full.

With the mention of the sentence, I let the first tear fall and supported my head with my chin.

I never thought anyone would blow my life apart using one page.

The clapping died down, and he continued.

" To all the boys I've loved before, number One , Dear..." Then he paused and looked at me. The name was clear.

" Are you all ready for the first name?" He asked with the right intonation.

" Yeees, read it, read it," the class shouted.

" And the first name is...." Before he could read the name, I screamed and roared loudly, a sign of defeat on my side; my whole life was over; it was crumbling down right before my eyes; this was the biggest and last thing they were going to do, after this, I was going to kill myself, to stop them from bullying everyone, so they could all die of guilt and rot in hell with me.

After I was done, I waited for him to tear my world apart, but he didn't.

He didn't even read the first letter V.

He was staring directly at me and my teary eyes. Weighing his options, testing his sympathy and humanity. There was silence as everyone waited to hear what I was afraid of so much. What was I willing to die for to protect?

Like that, I watched Ryan fold the paper quickly and sprint out of class, almost falling.

One ally. One person who thought I was a human being.

One person is willing to break his leg and die with my secret.

I watched as a group of students went after him angrily.

Fatrez was their business, and they had a right to know what was going on.

They had a right to know if it was them.

" Ryan!'