Chapter 1

Our teacher in philosophy asked us. What is living?

Some of my classmates said: living is being alive, not dead, and progressing. Some just answered to be alive or alive. They all have different meanings of what living is, but nonetheless they're just the same.

According to Merriam Webster dictionary: living is having life or the condition of being alive. Aristotle defined that every living thing has a certain form, part of which explains the thing's being alive. In Plato's definition, the meaning of life is in attaining the highest form of knowledge, which is the idea or form of the good, from which all good and just things derive utility and value. Meanwhile in Philosophy, living is having a purpose in life or an overall vision or attitude towards life.

There are many definitions or descriptions of living, but they all have just one thought.

For me, what is living?

I certainly don't know or have any idea of what is living despite of those, I still couldn't understand what it's saying or what it's telling me.

Because, how can you understand if your life has no purpose or direction. I wanted to experience being alive. Living with having a goal leading you to an imaginary final destination. Creating or drawing a picture in your mind of yourself achieving your dreams. Being to know the right path for you; that you won't even work half as hard to get your desired results. And enjoying socializing without being afraid of the judgements they're throwing.

I wanted to feel alive...but how?

I'm alive, but not living. That's how I defined my life. It's all started when I was five. The day when my life turned into lifeless.

The red curtains swayed like its dancing to the rhythm of the wind. A loud shattering of glass filled my ears. My lips quivered in fear and tightly shut my eyes as I covered my ears with my tiny hands.

"You can't leave me! Stay with us!"

"I can't bear living in this house with you, especially with that kid!"

"The kid did nothing wrong to you!"

I gasped some air while holding my chest. This is not new to me. They always fight...because of me.

My tears keep flowing. I heard another sound of broken glass that caused me to cry more. I sobbed while hugging my pillow.

"Tell me," I stilled when I heard my father's broken voice. "How can I make you stay?"

There's a moment of silence, so I quietly get up on my bed. Slowly, I opened the door of my room and closed it without making any noise then headed towards my parent's room.

My eyes widened in shock when I saw their room. A lot of broken things scattered around, but my eyes stopped on what my mother was holding.

"Are you leaving us, Mommy?" my voice cracked.

Just like before, she eyed me with full of disgust and fury. I saw my father on his knees begging my mother to stay. I remained not moving in my place and just stared at my mom's suitcase.

My mom stared at me while gritting her teeth before lowering her head to my dad. I always wonder why she loathes me. But I think I already know.

"When she's dead."

I feel like someone stab me in my chest. My mother who I adored and loved so much wants me dead. Is that how she despises my existence?

My shoulders began shaking as a sob escaped into my lips. I bit my lower lip to suppressed my cries but it didn't work.

"Adina," my father uttered and shook his head to my mom then to me and motioned me to leave, but I remained rotted in my place while sobbing.

"That's how you can make me stay," she firmly said as she gathered her things.

I just watched her placing all her things inside the large suitcase. My father stood up and tried to stop her but I was shock when my mom slapped my father. I stilled. My tears flowed like a river escaping a dam while watching them fought.

"Why do you badly want her dead?!"

I squeaked when I felt a hand pulled me tightly. My eyes watered as my mother held my wrist with so much force that made me winced. She let go of my wrist harshly while my father placed me behind his back.

"She's just a kid," Daddy glanced at me with softness in his eyes and caressed my swollen wrist. I sniffed and hold the tip of his shirt tightly while quivering in fear to my mother.

"That kid ruined my life!" she shouted; her eyes were burning in rage. "When she came, everything became a mess. My life, my happiness, and my dreams turned into ashes. She destroyed all of it.

And I regretted giving birth to her. Because of her existence...everything in me was gone."

My throat dry and I felt a pang of pain in my chest. I didn't utter a word and just watch my father begging her. I feel numb, empty, and lifeless as I heard my father whimpered while shouting my mother's name.

I froze on my spot when my father turned his eyes on me, his eyes were bloodshot and full of pain. He gritted his teeth then grabbed my swollen wrist. My tiny body immediately carried away by his strong hands. I bit my lower lip when he pushed me to my room. My lips quivered in fear when he eyed me furiously.

"It's your damn fault!" he grabbed a handful of my hair and pushed me to the wall that made me whimpered.

"Daddy you're hurting me!" I yelled but he just pushed me harder to the wall.

"Adina will come back to me when you're already dead!" he shouted angrily. "You must die!"

My head was bang to the wall and next thing I knew; I was dragged on my bed.

"You will stay here until you die."

That's the last word of my father before darkness succumbs me.

"Rory!"

I snapped back to reality because of that loud voice. My forehead creased when I felt something on my cheeks. I shook my head and wiped the lone tear before turning around.

"I had been finding you everywhere!" Ave panted while her hands were on her knees.

"Didn't I told you that I'll go there?" I pointed the huge mahogany tree. "I need to review alone for our midterms."

She snorted. "Stop being so obsessed in studying!"

"If being obsessed with it will make everything be in their right places, then might as well be an obsessive person."

She just groaned from what I said. I chuckled then sit while crossing my legs on the green grass. Ave followed me and open her thick sociology book. I lifted my head to see the sky. The sun's ray hit my face that made me cover my face with my hands.

I smiled.

The sun never stops shining, you'll just have to look beyond the clouds to see it. Some people are just like the sun. They get all the sunshine, and some are all shadow.

"What's our topic in sociology?" she asked while flipping the pages of the book.

I grabbed her book on her hands then flipped the pages to find the topic that were going to tackle. My fingers stopped at the page 61 where society and culture is stated. I handed her the book as I continue reviewing the Antecedents and Consequences that will be our Personality's Development topic for tomorrow.

"Mrs. Chopin will give us a quiz again," she tsk-ed while reading her book.

I laughed softly. She always complains but she never gets a low score in any quizzes. That's one of the weird things about her.

"Memorize it by thinking of any mnemonic device to make it easier." I told her.

She nodded. "That's how you memorize?" I nod my head as answer, still reviewing. My forehead crumpled when I felt my phone beeped.

Fear dawned on me as I saw my father's message. My hands trembled as I swipe my lock screen. It never fails to give me this feeling.

Daddy: Go home early. We have a visitor. Do not go anywhere or else.

I breath out and weakly leaned my back on the tree's trunk. My eyes settled on those thick medical books and to my reviewers. I guess I'll call it a day.

"Are you leaving?" Ave asked me, but I could sense the worry in her voice.

"I'm fine." Instead of answering her question, I told her that. She's worried whenever my father will message me.

"Yes, you are." She sarcastically uttered while rolling her eyes.

I let out a chuckle as I shook my head. I stood up and gathered my books on my arms then carry my bag on my shoulder.

"Rebel will fetch you?" I asked while fixing my books on my arms. My lips twitched because of its heaviness. Why do med students need to have this thick and heavy books?

"He can't but my brother will." She pouted her lips. "Rebel have a recitation today."

"So, he chose legal management?" my eyebrow arched, his cousin is such a snob and short-tempered so, it's just so odd to know that he's taking law.

"Every people deserve justice," she chuckled while shaking her head, "that was his reason for choosing law as his course."

Was it really? I smirked mentally. I knew his cousin since that day happened. I owe my life to him.

"Was he's sure about it?" we both laughed from what I said. "His client might be the one who'll sue him because of his attitude."

I laughed when I imagine his cousin's pissed face.

"It's bad to talk ill behind my back."

I turned my body to face him. His eyebrows were slopped downwards while eyeing me. I flashed a bright smile which he answered with a snort.

"How's your recitation?" I asked while chuckling.

"It turned out like how I wanted it to be," he cockily smiled which made me roll my eyes.

"You're so full of yourself!" Ave stuck her tongue out. "You probably asked for Law's digest."

Rebel shrugged. He did ask their cousin Law. Connections really.

I bit my bottom lip suppressing my laugh. "Oh cheater!"

"I don't do that in recitation and to her."

I create a gaggle sounds while Ave commented 'corny'.

"So, where's Nevi?" Ave asked her cousin.

I looked at Ave and signaled her that I will go home. I turned my back at them while typing on my phone. My father will really kill me if I won't come home early.

"Did your father warned you?"

Rebel stopped me from my tracks. I bit my lower lip. He knows it. He's my savior after all. The guy who told me about what life is, but I just couldn't understand it's meaning.

"Stop worrying," I sighed. "I don't care about it anymore. If he will really do that to me, then I will gladly oblige it with open arms."

I winced when he forced me to face him. He's fuming mad. Should I be scared? I shake my head. My life is scarier than him so, I wouldn't be scared.

"Stay alive."

I let out a bitter smile. "I'm alive."

He grunted and massaged his temples. I look like a kid being scolded by her father. Well, he looks like one to me. Rebel is my only boy best friend. He's my pain absorber and adviser. Rebel and Ave are my only friends. I don't need another one. I'm already contended to have them as my friend.

"You really need someone who'll tell you what living and being alive is."

I shake my head. Someone huh? I don't need someone who'll make me introduce what living is. I can do that...on my own way.