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What if We Drown 49
Guilt danced seductively at the corners of his eyes, reminding Ashlyn that she still didn't know what had happened to Liam, and why Derek carried it like such a heavy weighted burden. It was true what they said; Grief, whether it came all at once or slowly, piece by piece, indeed was the price one paid for love."Our greatest adventure was during our final year of college when he convinced me to cut into my savings and live for a day. It was the week before our finals and the both of us were cramming as much study as we could into our last days when suddenly one afternoon Liam stood up, and he threw his textbooks in the bin, then looked to me as though he expected me to do the same." Derek chuckled."'Let's do something crazy,' he'd said to me. There was this energy, this desire to chase the thrill in his eyes, and I knew that there was no way I could have said no. I wished I would have the next day, though, when we pulled up to a skydiving field." He rubbed the back of his neck."
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I hope you will know today that there is no one as understanding or as understood as you.Ashlyn's lips turned up in a beaming smile as she re-read the message on her phone twice more.For the past few weeks, Derek had frequently made small gestures, reminding Ashlyn that he saw her and that he cared. Each one stole her breath as much as the last, and the butterflies that lived in her stomach had all taken to a permanent flight pattern, their flapping a gentle reminder of what had been given to her.On the days that she needed her space and a chance to process everything, Derek respected that, almost as though he had a sixth sense that told him when to act and when to let things be. But on the days that he did act, his reminders came at precisely the moment when her doubts were most prominent. Like a thriving plant lost to the harshest of winters, the doubts were silenced, and faith took to life in their place.The mornings when she awoke to an encouraging text message from Derek,
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"Hi, Ashlyn," Mila settled onto the sofa beside Abel and smiled through the screen. Though her eyes looked weary, and the lines of her forehead spoke of her exhaustion, Ashlyn could see the markings of joy etched into her brow, the sparkle in her blue eyes. Mila was a mother so wholly in love with the sleeping babe in her arms. The three of them spoke for a few moments about their respective lives, when Luka began to stir, his eyes opening. Ashlyn was struck with a fondness so intense and consuming, one that she'd never experienced before when she looked into those gorgeous baby blues. Something stirred within her at the sight, something new and unusual. She'd always found babies to be an adorable sort, and her walls had always been ineffective against their charm. But this time, things went beyond the usual awe and flutters in her chest. There was a stirring she felt deep in her gut, a desire for something she'd always thought an impossibility for her, but now perhaps had more hope
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Ashlyn closed the lid of her computer then turned on the sofa, so she looked at Derek.She rested her arm next to his on the back of it and rested her chin on the back of her hand. Her eyes were level with his as she searched for the answers to the questions she'd never dared to ask.She gave a small smile.Derek reached across to brush her cheek, capturing a stray curl."Are you hungry?" He asked, tucking the strand behind her ear, his fingertips tickling the fine hairs that stood on end. She shrugged, her appetite for food not currently on her mind. She was, however, hungry for something else, the untapped desires that his touch inspired.Her cheek began to feel hot against the back of her hand, and she worried that these desires would be clearly displayed to him, like an open book.Derek grinned and patted the back of her shoulder."I'm starving. Come on, let's make some lunch." Derek pulled himself to his feet and took her hand, pulling the arm out from beneath her chin. Sh
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Running a cloth underwater, Derek began to wipe the sauce away from her forehead, her cheeks, her throat. He worked his fingers through her curls, pulling out pieces of tomato and onion, his fingers massaging her scalp as they worked.Everywhere that he touched burned, his touch igniting the desires she'd tried to suppress. Her breath was shallow as she watched him work, his eyes following the cloth.His knuckles grazed along her jawline as he cleaned the side of her face, his fingertips brushing the corner of her mouth as he wiped the bridge of her nose. They lingered on her mouth for a moment longer, the pad of his thumb brushing her bottom lip.She gulped when his eyes lifted to meet hers, a desire burning fervently in their depths. Up and down, her chest rose with the force of her breathing.What would it take, she wondered, to close that gap between them. An inch? Maybe two?As though guided by the mere thought of it, Ashlyn began to lean towards him, the invisible thread th
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The following Sunday afternoon, Ashlyn had met Derek at his apartment and told him that she wanted to share with him her favorite pastime; the fresh fruit ice cream stall her father used to take her to every Sunday after Church.Giovanni's was busy for a Sunday, but the wait had been worth it when they were greeted with a warm smile and an extra scoop each, on the house. Anything for my best customer, Gio, the owner of the stall, had said. They'd promptly thanked him, leaving a generous tip, before stepping out from beneath the awning.The June sun was high and beating down on them now as they strolled along Marine Parade enjoying fresh ice cream and the promises of summer. The berry and lemon sorbets created a refreshing explosion in her mouth, as Ashlyn grinned up at Derek waiting to gauge his reaction to the mango and coconut blend he'd asked for.Giovanni produced some of the best ice-cream she'd ever tasted, and she'd been elated to find that he was still around when she had m
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Sorry about your face, she added with a grin. His eyes followed her hand as she wiped the sticky residue on her shorts. When he saw that he'd been caught watching, his gaze snapped to the flyer in his hands, a brush of pink embellishing his cheeks."Fourth of July bonfire, huh?" he asked, reading the print on the flyer he'd used to wipe his face and hands.Ashlyn nodded, the smile breaking in her cheeks as she took the flyer from his hands, stood, and took it over to the bin.It was only two more weeks until the Fourth of July, and preparations for the festivities were already underway, and Ashlyn's excitement continued to grow. Next to Christmas, it was her favorite holiday, and she was thrilled to have someone else to share it with. There was nothing better than a day spent with friends beneath the twilight.Wiping her hands on her shorts, Ashlyn came back to stand in front of Derek, offering her hand, which he took. Pulling him to his feet, the two of them resumed walking towar
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Something moved in the sand, like a rock, but the colors were all wrong. It was much too large to be a rock, Ashlyn thought, it's mass taking up the majority of the space around it. The longer she looked, she realized that it wasn't moving. It was struggling. The poor thing was caught.Her hands fell to her side when Derek stepped past her to take a look. His phone was already out of his pocket, his fingers entering a phone number. She reached out to stop him, grabbing onto his arm.'What if it's not safe?' her eyes asked when he looked back at her. They were the only ones on this part of the track, and if something happened, she didn't know what she would be able to do to help."I have to help it, Ash," his voice was raw, his sorrow and concern for the animal evident. She could see it in the way he looked back towards it, he was doing this with or without her support. His heart was too good to stand by and do nothing.Ashlyn nodded, letting her hand fall away.Carefully, Derek s
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What if We Drown Epilogue
"Where are you taking me?" Derek's laughter carried on the sea breeze while he ran, hand in hand with Ashlyn, down the boulevard.The smile in Ashlyn's cheeks was enchanting, her heart swelling beyond its confines until it illuminated every facet of her expression. A childlike joy danced upon her lips, her giggles falling back to meet him as she turned to glance his way.'You'll see,' the glint in her eyes said. Squeezing his hand tighter, she continued to run, every fragment of fear and every splinter of doubt falling behind her, the remains of the walls she'd nursed for years crumbling like dust beneath her canvas shoes.Her steps continued to carry them through streets lit by twilight, the breath in her lungs escaping with a giggle when she stumbled on a crack in the pavement. Catching her waist, Derek pulled her back against his chest, his hands resting on her hips."Are you going to tell me why we're in such a rush?" His breath was hot, his lips teasing as they brushed the si
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For him to have been friends with you, I know I'd have loved him too. She squeezed Derek's hand, the two of them falling into a moment of silence, before Derek squeezed her hand in return."What happened to Liam, and what happened to your father, those things were out of our control. They weren't our fault."Ashlyn hesitated for a moment before nodding. That was something her and Lana had been working on during their last session. But hearing Derek mention it now, she felt a familiar pang in her chest, the battle of her heart versus her mind silently brewing.It wasn't our fault, she repeated, as much for her own sake as for his."I've been living in this world of what if, dwelling on all the ways that I could have saved him while neglecting to live in the world I'm in right now. Sitting there amidst the wilting posies and tears at Liam's grave, I was finally able to forgive myself, and Liam, for what happened."Derek turned to Ashlyn with a sad smile, the light in his eyes shini
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Derek's apartment hadn't changed since the last time she'd been there. Scattered books with bent spines and dog-eared pages claimed the living space, and the woolen blanket was still draped over the arm of the sofa where she'd left it.Her favorite thing, however, was the scent of crisp green apple that still clung to the air, wrapping itself around Ashlyn as she fell back against the couch, exhausted despite the 24 hours she'd just spent in a hospital bed.His home still feels like a home, she thought, her eyes wandering around the room. A fresh wave of relief washed over her, the state of his apartment a welcome reminder that he'd meant it when he'd said he wouldn't leave her.You never unpacked? Ashlyn asked, her head tilted towards the two duffel bags beside the front door.Placing two glasses of water on the coffee table, Derek scooched into the space at her side, his arm reaching across the back of the sofa so he could play with her hair."I never had the time. This is the
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How? Her heart questioned, her eyes wide with wonder."When I heard that voice and felt it whisper in my heart, the only thing I thought of was you." His chest rose and fell as he stole a glance in her direction. "But that's crazy, right? I mean, I've never heard your voice, and it's not like Siren's exist." He gave a nervous chuckle. A sound escaped Ashlyn's lip, somewhere between a sigh and a chuckle, and she felt her eyes begin to prickle with tears.He had no idea what the words he'd just said meant, or how true it was. By some unknown magic, his name, her final plea, had carried to his ears and called to him. Her heart had called, and he had answered. Like a Siren. She giggled at the absurdity, and yet the possibility of it all, her cheeks burning when he turned to gaze at her with wonderment."Here I am telling you something crazy and impossible, and yet, you're the one blushing and crying." His laughter was hearty and amused as his thumbs brushed over her cheeks, catching ev
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A familiar beep broke through the silence, and Ashlyn winced at the sound that fell upon her ears. Her eyelids fluttered, cracking to allow the light of day into the darkness she left behind. Her blinks were quick at first while she adjusted to the sunlight streaming through the window, the sky a stark contrast to the night from whence she'd come.The window was closed, but as she watched the streak of ocean waver against the horizon, she could almost taste it lingering in the back of her throat.Flashes of white wisps and mermaids tails, her father's grim expression, and the grey-blue tempest that she'd wrestled flickered behind her eyes, and her heart picked up its pace. The fog over her memories lifted, and with sudden clarity, the aches in her body and the sandpaper feeling at the back of her throat made sense.What was I thinking? She raised her hand to her temple in an attempt to massage the memories and mortification away.Her gaze roamed over the assembly of monitors and m
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The sea. Angry and unrelenting. Dangerous.It rolled again, jostling her head. Ashlyn bit back a whimper and squinted as another body wrapped in an emergency blanket wavered on the deck before her. Upright and leaning against the side, the body shifted as she tracked their outstretched legs, slowly trying to piece together the scene before her. Her heart hammered in her chest, her gaze roaming over their chest, moving towards their face when something blocked her view.Exhaling, her eyes continued to roll around the space, tracking the activity upon the deck, in an attempt to gather her bearings.Shifting his weight, the man at her side leaned forward, the back of his head creating an umbrella of sorts from the unrelenting rain, while he held his finger between both their faces. Focusing all of her energy on that single digit, Ashlyn brought her attention back to him, tracking his finger as it moved from the left to the right.A small smile of relief lifted his lips, and a trickle
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All around her was a stillness and peace unheard of, as she drifted upon the grey-blue tempest, while laces of white tickled her nose and her lashes, teasing and tantalizing, singing to the breath within her lungs.Squinting through the prickly haze, Ashlyn rose and fell with the ocean's deep breath, her limbs moving in a hypnotic dance under its command. Her gaze roamed the deep expanse, her sense of direction ceasing to exist amidst the tendrils of fire that floated around her face.My sweet daughter, the ocean cooed, its arms reaching out to cradle and caress. Enveloped in its tight embrace, Ashlyn felt herself falling deeper into its touch and the promises it whispered over her mind. Home at last. The ocean's voice tickled at the edges of consciousness, and Ashlyn blinked.Wisps of white and silver danced upon the waters, the shape of memories forming and reforming with each flutter of her lashes. Children ran towards the tides, kicking and splashing at the waves that kissed th
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The wind thrashed against her front, driving the sliver of ice deeper into her heart. She sobbed, clawing at the pain in her chest, which made it harder to breathe. An invisible force pushed her forward, towards the end of the dock, and she cried out when her foot caught, dropping her to her hands and knees.Pain shot through her knees and her palms throbbed against the deck. Gritting her teeth, she pulled herself to her feet, wincing as her knees protested.Ashlyn bent to roll up the leg of her jeans when something like a horn sounded in the distance, startling her. Lifting her head, she glanced out to sea again and spotted several lights bobbing against the angry sky.Derek!Her heart gave a distressed cry, the icy pick within melting beneath the warmth of a hope rekindled.She watched the boat draw nearer, the lines between her brow growing deeper. Something wasn't right. The boat was veering dangerously close towards the lighthouse and the rocky graveyard that waited below. S
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Ashlyn was almost out the front door before Kass could catch her."What do you think you're doing? You can't go out there!" Kass cried over the wind that thrashed against the door.He's here, Kass. He's been upstairs this entire time, and you didn't tell me. Hurt flashed behind Ashlyn's eyes, her arm twisting beneath Kass' grip. She'd known, and she'd omitted to tell her anything.Regret pooled in Kass' gaze, but Ashlyn wasn't sure what she regretted more, telling her about Derek or keeping the secret from her in the first place.I have to go and see him, Ashlyn pleaded before she reached around to grip the door handle. Kass' grip tightened again as she pulled Ashlyn away from the door."He's not here. He's out there," Kass sighed in defeat, gesturing in the general direction of the ocean, her posture shifting to block the exit.Ashlyn's chest seized, her airways closing against the sharp inhale of air.'He's out there' rang in her ears, the rising panic they caused not strong
