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What if We Drown 45
But, the guy on the pier? She asked with confusion."He mentioned that something happened and that you didn't go near it anymore. I connected some dots." He shrugged. "I don't blame you for being hesitant around it, or even the ocean after what happened, Ash. We all have fears, and sometimes they take a little more time to overcome."I don't think I can overcome this one, she sighed, looking away. He placed a hand on her knee."You can." He spoke with certainty. Her smile was awkward in response, not quite sure she was ready for that conversation just yet. With some time, maybe she'd be ready.So, what exactly do you know? She asked, changing the subject."You lost your Father, who you loved dearly, and you haven't stopped grieving." Though he spoke with a sadness in his voice and did well to hide his judgments, his words still filled her with a sense of guilt, like she should've been over this by now. Perhaps he was right, but he didn't understand how it felt to lose someone lik
What if We Drown 46
They'd been driving for almost an hour, and still, Ashlyn didn't know where it was that they were going. She'd tried asking after they'd passed the familiar highways in turn for forests and bumpy roads, but Derek had refused to say much, instead just offering a cheeky grin as his answer.It required more effort than she'd thought to relinquish control of the situation and trust that he knew where he was going. That would have been easier if she hadn't watched twice as he looked at the road signs with confusion.For all she knew, he'd taken a wrong turn, and they were about to become lost in the forests of Maine with the bears and the moose, and whatever other nasty critters lurked in the woodlands. Fortunately, she'd been smart enough to retrieve her phone from the cafe before they'd left. Not that it would have been much use, she realized when she checked it, the red battery light glaring at her.She placed it back on the console and took a deep breath, reminding herself that she
What if We Drown 47
The breeze that tousled her hair was refreshing, and with each push of her legs, she inched higher and higher until she was swinging higher than Derek's perch on the wall.Checkmate, she thought towards him, throwing him a playful wink when he glanced her way. He leaped down and jogged towards the swing that was now empty beside her."You should know, where I come from, I am a three-time swinging champion," Derek grinned, walking the swing back as far as he could, then launching himself forward like a slingshot.He pushed himself hard and fast, gaining height quickly."Surrender, Ashlyn, while you still can," he laughed menacingly.Ashlyn threw her head back with silent laughter, forgetting about the hat she wore on her head. When the swing moved forward, the wind it generated caught her by surprise and carried the hat from her head.She looked at Derek, her eyes round, and her mouth forming a little o. She then turned to look over her shoulder, the swing going off course as her
What if We Drown 48
Ashlyn's time spent basking in the sun was interrupted when several moments later, a girl with dark pigtails, no more than three or four, came running over and reached for the seat that Ashlyn sat on."Up, up," the girl asked, jumping to try and reach the seat. Gently, Derek lowered the seat while Ashlyn unfolded her legs, careful not to strike the child, holding the unit steady so that the child could just reach the handlebars.Ashlyn smiled fondly at the young girl and looked around, searching for their parents, preparing to stand, and offer the seat to them.A lady with the same dark hair came running over and promptly apologized, explaining that Maya loved teeter-totters, but all the other kids were too rough for her to play with. Maya, ignoring her mother, continued to try and climb up, so Derek stood allowing Ashyln's seat to rest properly atop the tire beneath it.The woman gathered Maya in her arms and whispered apologies and excuses about her being too small to play.Ash
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Guilt danced seductively at the corners of his eyes, reminding Ashlyn that she still didn't know what had happened to Liam, and why Derek carried it like such a heavy weighted burden. It was true what they said; Grief, whether it came all at once or slowly, piece by piece, indeed was the price one paid for love."Our greatest adventure was during our final year of college when he convinced me to cut into my savings and live for a day. It was the week before our finals and the both of us were cramming as much study as we could into our last days when suddenly one afternoon Liam stood up, and he threw his textbooks in the bin, then looked to me as though he expected me to do the same." Derek chuckled."'Let's do something crazy,' he'd said to me. There was this energy, this desire to chase the thrill in his eyes, and I knew that there was no way I could have said no. I wished I would have the next day, though, when we pulled up to a skydiving field." He rubbed the back of his neck."
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I hope you will know today that there is no one as understanding or as understood as you.Ashlyn's lips turned up in a beaming smile as she re-read the message on her phone twice more.For the past few weeks, Derek had frequently made small gestures, reminding Ashlyn that he saw her and that he cared. Each one stole her breath as much as the last, and the butterflies that lived in her stomach had all taken to a permanent flight pattern, their flapping a gentle reminder of what had been given to her.On the days that she needed her space and a chance to process everything, Derek respected that, almost as though he had a sixth sense that told him when to act and when to let things be. But on the days that he did act, his reminders came at precisely the moment when her doubts were most prominent. Like a thriving plant lost to the harshest of winters, the doubts were silenced, and faith took to life in their place.The mornings when she awoke to an encouraging text message from Derek,
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"Hi, Ashlyn," Mila settled onto the sofa beside Abel and smiled through the screen. Though her eyes looked weary, and the lines of her forehead spoke of her exhaustion, Ashlyn could see the markings of joy etched into her brow, the sparkle in her blue eyes. Mila was a mother so wholly in love with the sleeping babe in her arms. The three of them spoke for a few moments about their respective lives, when Luka began to stir, his eyes opening. Ashlyn was struck with a fondness so intense and consuming, one that she'd never experienced before when she looked into those gorgeous baby blues. Something stirred within her at the sight, something new and unusual. She'd always found babies to be an adorable sort, and her walls had always been ineffective against their charm. But this time, things went beyond the usual awe and flutters in her chest. There was a stirring she felt deep in her gut, a desire for something she'd always thought an impossibility for her, but now perhaps had more hope
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Ashlyn closed the lid of her computer then turned on the sofa, so she looked at Derek.She rested her arm next to his on the back of it and rested her chin on the back of her hand. Her eyes were level with his as she searched for the answers to the questions she'd never dared to ask.She gave a small smile.Derek reached across to brush her cheek, capturing a stray curl."Are you hungry?" He asked, tucking the strand behind her ear, his fingertips tickling the fine hairs that stood on end. She shrugged, her appetite for food not currently on her mind. She was, however, hungry for something else, the untapped desires that his touch inspired.Her cheek began to feel hot against the back of her hand, and she worried that these desires would be clearly displayed to him, like an open book.Derek grinned and patted the back of her shoulder."I'm starving. Come on, let's make some lunch." Derek pulled himself to his feet and took her hand, pulling the arm out from beneath her chin. Sh
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What if We Drown Epilogue
"Where are you taking me?" Derek's laughter carried on the sea breeze while he ran, hand in hand with Ashlyn, down the boulevard.The smile in Ashlyn's cheeks was enchanting, her heart swelling beyond its confines until it illuminated every facet of her expression. A childlike joy danced upon her lips, her giggles falling back to meet him as she turned to glance his way.'You'll see,' the glint in her eyes said. Squeezing his hand tighter, she continued to run, every fragment of fear and every splinter of doubt falling behind her, the remains of the walls she'd nursed for years crumbling like dust beneath her canvas shoes.Her steps continued to carry them through streets lit by twilight, the breath in her lungs escaping with a giggle when she stumbled on a crack in the pavement. Catching her waist, Derek pulled her back against his chest, his hands resting on her hips."Are you going to tell me why we're in such a rush?" His breath was hot, his lips teasing as they brushed the si
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For him to have been friends with you, I know I'd have loved him too. She squeezed Derek's hand, the two of them falling into a moment of silence, before Derek squeezed her hand in return."What happened to Liam, and what happened to your father, those things were out of our control. They weren't our fault."Ashlyn hesitated for a moment before nodding. That was something her and Lana had been working on during their last session. But hearing Derek mention it now, she felt a familiar pang in her chest, the battle of her heart versus her mind silently brewing.It wasn't our fault, she repeated, as much for her own sake as for his."I've been living in this world of what if, dwelling on all the ways that I could have saved him while neglecting to live in the world I'm in right now. Sitting there amidst the wilting posies and tears at Liam's grave, I was finally able to forgive myself, and Liam, for what happened."Derek turned to Ashlyn with a sad smile, the light in his eyes shini
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Derek's apartment hadn't changed since the last time she'd been there. Scattered books with bent spines and dog-eared pages claimed the living space, and the woolen blanket was still draped over the arm of the sofa where she'd left it.Her favorite thing, however, was the scent of crisp green apple that still clung to the air, wrapping itself around Ashlyn as she fell back against the couch, exhausted despite the 24 hours she'd just spent in a hospital bed.His home still feels like a home, she thought, her eyes wandering around the room. A fresh wave of relief washed over her, the state of his apartment a welcome reminder that he'd meant it when he'd said he wouldn't leave her.You never unpacked? Ashlyn asked, her head tilted towards the two duffel bags beside the front door.Placing two glasses of water on the coffee table, Derek scooched into the space at her side, his arm reaching across the back of the sofa so he could play with her hair."I never had the time. This is the
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How? Her heart questioned, her eyes wide with wonder."When I heard that voice and felt it whisper in my heart, the only thing I thought of was you." His chest rose and fell as he stole a glance in her direction. "But that's crazy, right? I mean, I've never heard your voice, and it's not like Siren's exist." He gave a nervous chuckle. A sound escaped Ashlyn's lip, somewhere between a sigh and a chuckle, and she felt her eyes begin to prickle with tears.He had no idea what the words he'd just said meant, or how true it was. By some unknown magic, his name, her final plea, had carried to his ears and called to him. Her heart had called, and he had answered. Like a Siren. She giggled at the absurdity, and yet the possibility of it all, her cheeks burning when he turned to gaze at her with wonderment."Here I am telling you something crazy and impossible, and yet, you're the one blushing and crying." His laughter was hearty and amused as his thumbs brushed over her cheeks, catching ev
What if We Drown 105
A familiar beep broke through the silence, and Ashlyn winced at the sound that fell upon her ears. Her eyelids fluttered, cracking to allow the light of day into the darkness she left behind. Her blinks were quick at first while she adjusted to the sunlight streaming through the window, the sky a stark contrast to the night from whence she'd come.The window was closed, but as she watched the streak of ocean waver against the horizon, she could almost taste it lingering in the back of her throat.Flashes of white wisps and mermaids tails, her father's grim expression, and the grey-blue tempest that she'd wrestled flickered behind her eyes, and her heart picked up its pace. The fog over her memories lifted, and with sudden clarity, the aches in her body and the sandpaper feeling at the back of her throat made sense.What was I thinking? She raised her hand to her temple in an attempt to massage the memories and mortification away.Her gaze roamed over the assembly of monitors and m
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The sea. Angry and unrelenting. Dangerous.It rolled again, jostling her head. Ashlyn bit back a whimper and squinted as another body wrapped in an emergency blanket wavered on the deck before her. Upright and leaning against the side, the body shifted as she tracked their outstretched legs, slowly trying to piece together the scene before her. Her heart hammered in her chest, her gaze roaming over their chest, moving towards their face when something blocked her view.Exhaling, her eyes continued to roll around the space, tracking the activity upon the deck, in an attempt to gather her bearings.Shifting his weight, the man at her side leaned forward, the back of his head creating an umbrella of sorts from the unrelenting rain, while he held his finger between both their faces. Focusing all of her energy on that single digit, Ashlyn brought her attention back to him, tracking his finger as it moved from the left to the right.A small smile of relief lifted his lips, and a trickle
What if We Drown 103
All around her was a stillness and peace unheard of, as she drifted upon the grey-blue tempest, while laces of white tickled her nose and her lashes, teasing and tantalizing, singing to the breath within her lungs.Squinting through the prickly haze, Ashlyn rose and fell with the ocean's deep breath, her limbs moving in a hypnotic dance under its command. Her gaze roamed the deep expanse, her sense of direction ceasing to exist amidst the tendrils of fire that floated around her face.My sweet daughter, the ocean cooed, its arms reaching out to cradle and caress. Enveloped in its tight embrace, Ashlyn felt herself falling deeper into its touch and the promises it whispered over her mind. Home at last. The ocean's voice tickled at the edges of consciousness, and Ashlyn blinked.Wisps of white and silver danced upon the waters, the shape of memories forming and reforming with each flutter of her lashes. Children ran towards the tides, kicking and splashing at the waves that kissed th
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The wind thrashed against her front, driving the sliver of ice deeper into her heart. She sobbed, clawing at the pain in her chest, which made it harder to breathe. An invisible force pushed her forward, towards the end of the dock, and she cried out when her foot caught, dropping her to her hands and knees.Pain shot through her knees and her palms throbbed against the deck. Gritting her teeth, she pulled herself to her feet, wincing as her knees protested.Ashlyn bent to roll up the leg of her jeans when something like a horn sounded in the distance, startling her. Lifting her head, she glanced out to sea again and spotted several lights bobbing against the angry sky.Derek!Her heart gave a distressed cry, the icy pick within melting beneath the warmth of a hope rekindled.She watched the boat draw nearer, the lines between her brow growing deeper. Something wasn't right. The boat was veering dangerously close towards the lighthouse and the rocky graveyard that waited below. S
What if We Drown 101
Ashlyn was almost out the front door before Kass could catch her."What do you think you're doing? You can't go out there!" Kass cried over the wind that thrashed against the door.He's here, Kass. He's been upstairs this entire time, and you didn't tell me. Hurt flashed behind Ashlyn's eyes, her arm twisting beneath Kass' grip. She'd known, and she'd omitted to tell her anything.Regret pooled in Kass' gaze, but Ashlyn wasn't sure what she regretted more, telling her about Derek or keeping the secret from her in the first place.I have to go and see him, Ashlyn pleaded before she reached around to grip the door handle. Kass' grip tightened again as she pulled Ashlyn away from the door."He's not here. He's out there," Kass sighed in defeat, gesturing in the general direction of the ocean, her posture shifting to block the exit.Ashlyn's chest seized, her airways closing against the sharp inhale of air.'He's out there' rang in her ears, the rising panic they caused not strong
