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What if We Drown 37
Ashlyn's stomach wound in a tight knot. All the reasons she shouldn't do something like this came flooding back, reminding her of how much she stood to lose. The dormant panic lay in waiting, the decision she made next capable of either causing it to grow or to fade. The more time she'd allowed herself to dwell on what Kass had said about tonight, the more she'd wanted to message Derek and tell him that something had come up and she wouldn't be able to make it. Each time that she had gone to type that message, or tried to hit send, it was as though something interfered, commanding her fingers away from the button. With a groan, she had thrown the phone on the sofa and paced her living room, considering all of her options. By the time she'd accepted that she had to go, if for no other reason than to clear the air and prove that Kass' interpretation was incorrect, a path had been worn into the carpet by her heavy steps. As much as she didn't want to send Derek the wrong message, she
What if We Drown 38
"Your skin is flushed, Ashlyn. Are you feeling ill?" His voice was thick with concern. He reached out to place the back of his hand on her forehead. She flinched, her head pulling back. She squeezed her eyes shut so she wouldn't have to see his reaction. But his hand followed, a salve to the burn. Her answering nod was weak. She fanned her cheeks, feeling a little feverish. Perhaps that was it, she was getting sick, and that was why she couldn't think straight. She should have taken that excuse, asked to reschedule, then gone home, but for some reason unknown to her, she couldn't make her hands form the words. Instead, she gave a thumbs up and slipped gently from beneath his hand. I think I just need to eat. I haven't eaten since breakfast, she signed. It was the truth. In her apprehensive state that afternoon, the thought of eating had made her feel queasy. The lack of nutrition had to explain why she was feeling this way all of a sudden. Like some form of hunger-induced delusion?
What if We Drown 39
She watched as the sadness in his eyes ebbed, his answering smile forming. He nudged the toe of her shoe in return, a gleam of hope in his eyes. The smell of pork noodles and dumplings drifted before her on the twilight breeze, reminding her why they were outside to begin with. Her eyes shifted to the food boxes, then back to Derek. The board fell from her lap as she made an eating gesture, a hunger in her eyes. Derek chuckled and nodded enthusiastically. The noodles and the pork tasted heavenly to Ashlyn's empty stomach and the glass of red wine that Derek poured only made it better. They spoke briefly around the food they shoveled down, both as ravenous as the other. "Alright. Since we're supposed to be studying, how do I say, 'that was delicious?'" Derek asked, moving the containers aside and stretching his legs out. Ashlyn demonstrated, finishing the statement by touching the tip of her middle finger to her lips, then moving that same hand up, twisting it, so the palm faced f
What if We Drown 40
For the next two weeks, Ashlyn and Derek continued to meet after work to work on his sign language skills. Derek was picking it up quicker than she'd thought he would. He'd even admitted to doing his own study each day because he wanted to be able to communicate with her. His tenacity in that regard was to be revered.After the intensity of that first night, Ashlyn made sure to establish some clear boundaries with Derek to prevent it from happening again. With that in mind, they'd made sure to study in public places; the library, the park, Salt. Anywhere that people's watchful eyes would keep her from acting on the foreign thoughts she'd been having.If it hadn't been for Kass disturbing their moment that night, then things would have been a lot more difficult to claw back. At least now, it was just her impulses that she had to keep in check, and not an act itself.The nights that she could wrangle Kass or Abel into helping were even better. Often, however, they made a last-minute
What if We Drown 41
When she drew near to the pier, she was surprised at how busy it was. Several people sat along the railings, their lines cast into the waters below, while others enjoyed their coffee and friendly company. Her eyes danced across the moving bodies, searching for the one that she'd come to see. A burst of rich laughter, smooth as honey, rose above the other noises around her, and her steps came to a halt. She would have recognized that laugh anywhere. Guided by its sound, she moved towards it, her body floating across the pavement. The laughter faded, and she came to a stop. Standing on the tips of her toes, she craned her neck, her eyes falling on a group of men gathered in the middle. She was sure that she saw a net at their feet. That had to be them. Several of the men laughed again, Derek included. The sound wrapped itself around her like a warm hug, and she couldn't help the smile it inspired from her. In the middle of the gathering, Ashlyn spotted him, and her heart skipped a be
What if We Drown 42
Ashlyn huffed, the door not slamming hard enough behind her when she entered Salt.Several patrons glanced up from their afternoon meals, but the distraught look on Ashlyn's face mixed with all the dried tear stains must have been something quite disconcerting, for they all glanced away. The food on the plates before them had never been more exciting than at that moment.Avoiding meeting the eyes of anyone, Ashlyn moved past the counter, down the corridor, and towards the back door, her legs not moving fast enough to beat the fresh tears she'd been holding back."Ash," Kass called, her head poking from the kitchen as she passed. Ashlyn ignored her. The sound of her shoes tapping on the floor, the only sound she was interested in. When another pair of trainers squeaked against the floor behind her, Ashlyn paid it little mind. She had to get out of there. The walls were closing in, and she couldn't breathe.Twice she tripped and had to catch herself against the wall. The aching in h
What if We Drown 43
He knows everything now."I don't think I understand what the problem is. Isn't him knowing everything a good thing? Otherwise, what would your friendship stand on?" Kass asked, rubbing her forehead.Ashlyn turned and leaned against the back wall of Salt. She was doing a terrible job of explaining the mess that consumed her brain.Because why would he be interested now that he knows what a trainwreck I am? I'm a complication, a puzzle that no one can solve. His time and energy are better spent elsewhere, she answered, realizing how ridiculous her excuse sounded when she voiced it. She hated being seen as a hindrance or as anything but ordinary. Yet, here she was labeling herself as such to justify her actions."You're self-sabotaging."I'm not, I'm just... she started to defend herself, but she couldn't come up with a good argument. She was self-sabotaging. Kass was right. She'd seen an opportunity to withdraw and protect herself before things could become too serious, and so she
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Derek stepped slowly towards her, his eyes never straying from hers as he seemed to assess the situation and whether his approach was welcomed.Ashlyn turned away and began picking at her nails, her face hidden in shame.Like a magic apparition, she'd thought about him, and suddenly he was there, and everything that she wanted to say was lost in the tension between them. She wasn't sure that she could do this, now that he was here. What if Kass was wrong? What if he was here to call it off, whatever it was?The fear that he already knew what she wanted to say, that he'd heard Kass' conversation while he lurked in the shadows, turned in her stomach. If she weren't already too ashamed, she would have bent over one of the bins and released that acidic fear. But even that was trapped inside, riding on how this next conversation went.Her hands had a subtle tremor about them, the color of her nails almost completely chipped away. She could hear Derek shift behind her, his steps slowly
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What if We Drown Epilogue
"Where are you taking me?" Derek's laughter carried on the sea breeze while he ran, hand in hand with Ashlyn, down the boulevard.The smile in Ashlyn's cheeks was enchanting, her heart swelling beyond its confines until it illuminated every facet of her expression. A childlike joy danced upon her lips, her giggles falling back to meet him as she turned to glance his way.'You'll see,' the glint in her eyes said. Squeezing his hand tighter, she continued to run, every fragment of fear and every splinter of doubt falling behind her, the remains of the walls she'd nursed for years crumbling like dust beneath her canvas shoes.Her steps continued to carry them through streets lit by twilight, the breath in her lungs escaping with a giggle when she stumbled on a crack in the pavement. Catching her waist, Derek pulled her back against his chest, his hands resting on her hips."Are you going to tell me why we're in such a rush?" His breath was hot, his lips teasing as they brushed the si
What if We Drown 108
For him to have been friends with you, I know I'd have loved him too. She squeezed Derek's hand, the two of them falling into a moment of silence, before Derek squeezed her hand in return."What happened to Liam, and what happened to your father, those things were out of our control. They weren't our fault."Ashlyn hesitated for a moment before nodding. That was something her and Lana had been working on during their last session. But hearing Derek mention it now, she felt a familiar pang in her chest, the battle of her heart versus her mind silently brewing.It wasn't our fault, she repeated, as much for her own sake as for his."I've been living in this world of what if, dwelling on all the ways that I could have saved him while neglecting to live in the world I'm in right now. Sitting there amidst the wilting posies and tears at Liam's grave, I was finally able to forgive myself, and Liam, for what happened."Derek turned to Ashlyn with a sad smile, the light in his eyes shini
What if We Drown 107
Derek's apartment hadn't changed since the last time she'd been there. Scattered books with bent spines and dog-eared pages claimed the living space, and the woolen blanket was still draped over the arm of the sofa where she'd left it.Her favorite thing, however, was the scent of crisp green apple that still clung to the air, wrapping itself around Ashlyn as she fell back against the couch, exhausted despite the 24 hours she'd just spent in a hospital bed.His home still feels like a home, she thought, her eyes wandering around the room. A fresh wave of relief washed over her, the state of his apartment a welcome reminder that he'd meant it when he'd said he wouldn't leave her.You never unpacked? Ashlyn asked, her head tilted towards the two duffel bags beside the front door.Placing two glasses of water on the coffee table, Derek scooched into the space at her side, his arm reaching across the back of the sofa so he could play with her hair."I never had the time. This is the
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How? Her heart questioned, her eyes wide with wonder."When I heard that voice and felt it whisper in my heart, the only thing I thought of was you." His chest rose and fell as he stole a glance in her direction. "But that's crazy, right? I mean, I've never heard your voice, and it's not like Siren's exist." He gave a nervous chuckle. A sound escaped Ashlyn's lip, somewhere between a sigh and a chuckle, and she felt her eyes begin to prickle with tears.He had no idea what the words he'd just said meant, or how true it was. By some unknown magic, his name, her final plea, had carried to his ears and called to him. Her heart had called, and he had answered. Like a Siren. She giggled at the absurdity, and yet the possibility of it all, her cheeks burning when he turned to gaze at her with wonderment."Here I am telling you something crazy and impossible, and yet, you're the one blushing and crying." His laughter was hearty and amused as his thumbs brushed over her cheeks, catching ev
What if We Drown 105
A familiar beep broke through the silence, and Ashlyn winced at the sound that fell upon her ears. Her eyelids fluttered, cracking to allow the light of day into the darkness she left behind. Her blinks were quick at first while she adjusted to the sunlight streaming through the window, the sky a stark contrast to the night from whence she'd come.The window was closed, but as she watched the streak of ocean waver against the horizon, she could almost taste it lingering in the back of her throat.Flashes of white wisps and mermaids tails, her father's grim expression, and the grey-blue tempest that she'd wrestled flickered behind her eyes, and her heart picked up its pace. The fog over her memories lifted, and with sudden clarity, the aches in her body and the sandpaper feeling at the back of her throat made sense.What was I thinking? She raised her hand to her temple in an attempt to massage the memories and mortification away.Her gaze roamed over the assembly of monitors and m
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The sea. Angry and unrelenting. Dangerous.It rolled again, jostling her head. Ashlyn bit back a whimper and squinted as another body wrapped in an emergency blanket wavered on the deck before her. Upright and leaning against the side, the body shifted as she tracked their outstretched legs, slowly trying to piece together the scene before her. Her heart hammered in her chest, her gaze roaming over their chest, moving towards their face when something blocked her view.Exhaling, her eyes continued to roll around the space, tracking the activity upon the deck, in an attempt to gather her bearings.Shifting his weight, the man at her side leaned forward, the back of his head creating an umbrella of sorts from the unrelenting rain, while he held his finger between both their faces. Focusing all of her energy on that single digit, Ashlyn brought her attention back to him, tracking his finger as it moved from the left to the right.A small smile of relief lifted his lips, and a trickle
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All around her was a stillness and peace unheard of, as she drifted upon the grey-blue tempest, while laces of white tickled her nose and her lashes, teasing and tantalizing, singing to the breath within her lungs.Squinting through the prickly haze, Ashlyn rose and fell with the ocean's deep breath, her limbs moving in a hypnotic dance under its command. Her gaze roamed the deep expanse, her sense of direction ceasing to exist amidst the tendrils of fire that floated around her face.My sweet daughter, the ocean cooed, its arms reaching out to cradle and caress. Enveloped in its tight embrace, Ashlyn felt herself falling deeper into its touch and the promises it whispered over her mind. Home at last. The ocean's voice tickled at the edges of consciousness, and Ashlyn blinked.Wisps of white and silver danced upon the waters, the shape of memories forming and reforming with each flutter of her lashes. Children ran towards the tides, kicking and splashing at the waves that kissed th
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The wind thrashed against her front, driving the sliver of ice deeper into her heart. She sobbed, clawing at the pain in her chest, which made it harder to breathe. An invisible force pushed her forward, towards the end of the dock, and she cried out when her foot caught, dropping her to her hands and knees.Pain shot through her knees and her palms throbbed against the deck. Gritting her teeth, she pulled herself to her feet, wincing as her knees protested.Ashlyn bent to roll up the leg of her jeans when something like a horn sounded in the distance, startling her. Lifting her head, she glanced out to sea again and spotted several lights bobbing against the angry sky.Derek!Her heart gave a distressed cry, the icy pick within melting beneath the warmth of a hope rekindled.She watched the boat draw nearer, the lines between her brow growing deeper. Something wasn't right. The boat was veering dangerously close towards the lighthouse and the rocky graveyard that waited below. S
What if We Drown 101
Ashlyn was almost out the front door before Kass could catch her."What do you think you're doing? You can't go out there!" Kass cried over the wind that thrashed against the door.He's here, Kass. He's been upstairs this entire time, and you didn't tell me. Hurt flashed behind Ashlyn's eyes, her arm twisting beneath Kass' grip. She'd known, and she'd omitted to tell her anything.Regret pooled in Kass' gaze, but Ashlyn wasn't sure what she regretted more, telling her about Derek or keeping the secret from her in the first place.I have to go and see him, Ashlyn pleaded before she reached around to grip the door handle. Kass' grip tightened again as she pulled Ashlyn away from the door."He's not here. He's out there," Kass sighed in defeat, gesturing in the general direction of the ocean, her posture shifting to block the exit.Ashlyn's chest seized, her airways closing against the sharp inhale of air.'He's out there' rang in her ears, the rising panic they caused not strong
