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WHEN ASHES FALL 52
There were tears in Rose’s eyes. They were dripping down her cheeks.And the expression on her face was scaring the shit out of me.She hadn’t said anything that made sense.She hadn’t given me a single goddamn clue of where Alix might be.The patience I normally had was gone.“I’m calling the police,” I said, reaching for my phone again.“Just give me another minute,” she pleaded. “I need to check a few more things, and then you can do whatever you want.” She moved by me and went back into the bedroom and out into the hallway. She called out, “Alix,” as she checked the other rooms up here.There was no response.When I followed her downstairs, she flipped on another light, and it illuminated the whole kitchen.As soon as Rose saw the space, she gasped and cried, “Oh God, no.”I looked around to see what had upset her.The only thing I could come up with were the small pieces of paper that were everywhere—on the counters, taped to the cabinets, spread out across the table.There was a
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“I know.”“Dylan, I’m so, so tired.”“I can tell.”Dylan blue. That was the color I called his eyes.And that was what was finally staring back at me.For so long, I hadn’t looked.I couldn’t.But, now that I did, it hurt.Oh God, did it hurt.“I can’t keep doing this.” I tucked my knees against my chest and wrapped my arms around them. “I can’t keep fighting for us.”“I know, Alix.”My eyes were so heavy; I could barely keep them open.“I don’t think I’m going to make it up to bed tonight,” I said. “I just don’t have it in me.”His hand lifted to my cheek. “You don’t have to, my love.”I stretched my body across the grass, smelling the wet soil beneath me.My knees moved to my chest again.I used my arm as a pillow.I looked across the grass, like I would when I checked our bed.There was no dented pillow.There was no tousled blanket.“Don’t leave until I fall asleep,” I told him.Rain pounded against my ear.Wet hair stuck to my cheeks.“I’m going to stay with you,” he said.I felt
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I released her.And I watched her walk away.As I stared at her back, I thought about moments.The ones I’d spent with Alix.The ones before her.How I’d never really taken the time to celebrate any of them.But the people standing on both sides of me were doing plenty of that.They were celebrating this moment.So, I did, too.I closed my eyes and reached my hand into my pocket, feeling the small velvet pouch that held both wedding bands.I squeezed it against my palm.I didn’t know why.I just knew I had to.And I thought of Alix.I pictured her face when I’d placed the engagement ring on her finger. Her expression when I’d promised I would never hurt her, that I would always take care of her and keep her safe, that I’d give her everything she’d ever dreamed of. The look in her eyes when I’d promised her forever.Nine minutes had passed since I sent Alix away.And, now, another moment was happening.One that caused me to break every promise I’d made to her.Except for one.Before I
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But I couldn’t stop for them.I needed to find Dylan.So, I dragged my body toward the flags.Most of them were ripped.Many of them were missing.But I saw the broken poles and the tattered fabric, and I crawled toward them.“Dylan!”My fingers stuck together from all the blood.Something new was stabbing the center of my palm.Something hard fell onto my back.It didn’t slow me down.Because, through the tiny cracks I was weaving between, I saw Dylan’s black jacket. The white logo on the breast pocket. Dangling from the sleeves were two familiar hands that I had just been holding a few minutes ago.He was on the ground.“Dylan!”I didn’t know if my feet could hold me, so I stayed on my knees. I kicked, and I pushed.And I crawled.And I only let myself stop when I reached him.My hands slid underneath his shoulders, and I pulled him onto my lap.My fingers then pressed into his neck to find his pulse.I couldn’t breathe.I could only scream.And yell, “Dylan,” over and over.When I
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When I got onto my block, my speed increased, and I hurried up the steps.I counted each one.I wasn’t sure why; it just made me feel better.I unlocked the door and went inside.Instead of putting my keys in my purse, I stuck them in a bowl on a table in the entryway.It was decorative, not for storage.I didn’t give a fuck.Normally, I carried my bag upstairs and left it in the closet.But it felt so heavy.So, I set it on the closest barstool in the kitchen.Right in front of it, on the counter, was a note from Dylan.I had eighty-four notes from him.That was how many I’d saved.As I read his words, I grabbed the bottle of red and poured myself a glass that I carried to the stairs. I was so tired; I barely had the energy to climb them.Once I was inside my closet, I dumped my earrings and watch in a drawer, my clothes went in the hamper, and my shoes stayed wherever they’d landed on the floor.Too exhausted to brush my teeth or wash off the tiny bit of mascara I’d actually put on,
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The ground wasn’t flat.We climbed several hills and made a few turns.And, when we reached a spot that was high enough to overlook the rest of the land that was inside the massive gate, Rose’s arm shot into the air, and she said, “She’s there.”I looked at where she was pointing.The fog that had formed over the lower points made it hard to see anything. But, after a few seconds, it lifted, and I was able to make out a body on the ground.I didn’t waste a fucking second.I took off running as fast as I could.As I got closer, I saw the outline of her body. She’d tucked her knees against her chest, and her head was resting on her arm as though it were a pillow.My feet pounded on the pavement, closing the distance between us.Once I reached her, I fell onto my knees and put my hands on her back. “Baby?”She didn’t move, not even when I shook her.And she didn’t say a word.Goddamn it, Alix, come back to me.I put my hands under her arms and pulled her out of the ball. I dragged her ag
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She glanced up, our eyes finally connecting. I knew my expression looked as emotional as hers.“She took a year off and just recently went back to work. She wanted to stay in emergency services, so she transferred to the call center.”“That’s not easy either.” I scraped my fingers through my beard as I pictured her answering the phone. “She probably worries every day that she’ll get a call, and it will send her into a flashback, like thunder does.”“I’ve never thought about that,” Rose admitted. “But, my God, you’re probably right.”Jesus Christ.We both turned quiet again.There was nothing left to say.And I started to pace once more.I just wanted to help her.Heal her.Make her pain go away.But I couldn’t do a goddamn thing in this room besides walk back and forth across the fucking floor and wait for a doctor to come out and tell me if Alix was all right.Fifty-FourDylanI walked over to Alix’s hospital bed and sat on the very edge, surrounding her hand with mine. There was an
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She would never make this decision.So, I would.“I want you to smile again. I want you to get back in that ambulance and do what you love because you don’t know when that choice is going to be taken away from you. I want you to live.”“You can’t go.”“If I keep holding on, you’re going to lose everything you have. I won’t let that happen. You’ve already lost enough.”She looked down at my hand, her thumb grazing over the back of my palm. “What if I forget?”“You won’t.”“How do you know that, Dylan? Because, right now, I can close my eyes and I can see the texture of your skin and I can hear the exact pitch of your voice and I can perfectly describe the scent of your cologne. It’s all so fresh in my mind. But what if those memories dull? What if I need your laughter to get me through the saddest day, and I can’t hear it anymore? What if I need you to hold my hand, and I can’t remember what your fingers looked like?”I reached up and touched the side of her head. “All of that is right
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