Home / Romance / Viola / Chapter One

Share

Viola
Viola
Author: Ellie A.O.

Chapter One

Author: Ellie A.O.
last update Last Updated: 2023-08-25 22:51:49

I remembered the day I died, or tried to, a rather pathetic failure if you ask me, another thing I failed at. It was a sunny day, I despised the sun. I was in my New York apartment, and I felt really empty, like I have never feel before. I contemplated jumping from the roof, but that would be messy, sliting my wrist and jumping into the pool is also messy. I pitied the woman who found me. I still want to die, but now in a mild manner, simple, quick, definitely not grande.

The doctors asked me Why, so did my Dad. Danielle screamed, and Fiona cried. Cara was shocked into silence, I guess your best friend killing herself can mute you. Lia whispered why why why. Why did I slit my wrist with a kitchen knife and jump in a pool, making it crimson within seconds. Why did I want to kill myself. I don't know, all I know is I didn't want to live , I still don't.

What drives a person to suicide, to that point where they decide to die. The doctors had asked, and all I could do was stare at the ceiling and feel nothing, I am alone, but I've always been.

pathetic

I blink, and I get up as if leaving the room will rid me of the voices. I walk, my footsteps echoing through the empty house. It's been four months since my attempt. I was kept in, with a shrink talking to me, giving me all the reasons to live, and all I wanted to do was disappear, so I did. I packed up everything and moved here, to London.

The look on Danielle's face will haunt me forever

"I know you're trying, but try more" She said.

For the past three months, I have been alone, existing alone, I missed Damien's birthday, missed Xav and Danielle's, I will definitely miss Fiona's. I do believe there are better without me, they are all the colours in one, and I, a dark cloud.

I wrap my hands around myself as I stare at the house, It was a gift from my girls, when I launched my first books, books I can't even bear to look at. I moved here, I didn't settle in, I just needed a place to exist, a place far from them.

Danielle and Xavier are in Italy, no idea what they are doing, but heard they were making some changes to their company. Fiona and Caden are in Los Angeles, this is the first time since their wedding they woudn't be in Italy. I exhale shakingly as I remember their baby girl, she has propably forgotten me, she'll be six months soon, and I miss her -Lily Viola Blu. I blink back tears, knowing that I failed her, I failed all of them.

pathetic.

failure. pathetic failure.

"I know!" I yell, breathing heavily as the house echo.

I fall to the ground, "I know" I whisper, as the tears break free. "I am a pathetic little failure" I say, sobbing, rocking from side to side.

I could only be strong for so long, I faked it for as long as I could, till I couldn't, and I broke. I hold myself as I sob, and I can't help but think that this is how I am meant to be.

____

"Hello, Violet."

I stare at the face of Dr. Chynna Wei, and I say nothing. I expected her call for a while, then I forget about it. It's evening now, and her call woke me up, I fell asleep crying, It's a routine now.

"You look nice." She comments, and I stare at her skin, perfect body, no trace of acne, unlike mine, her smile isn't broken, unlike mine.

she's mocking you.

She's making fun of me, of what I have become. "Don't lie to me." I say, and it comes out hoarse.

"I won't." She says, and I don't believe her.

Danielle's Mom got her for me, I don't want her, but she is not a toy I can return. I say nothing, just staring at my laptop's screen.

"I saw your manuscript, unfinished." She smiles, and I keep my face blank, emotions are something I've learn to master.

"Twisted Fairytale, it was titled, but you only wrote the synopsis, then stopped." She continue, and I say nothing.

"You mentioned your mother and brother, but not your father, why did you cancel it?"

Why did I cancel Twisted Fairytale, I don't know, but of course I say nothing.

"Why did you do it that way?" She asks, and I frown, so she clarifies.

"Why did you slit your wrist and jump in a pool, why that suicide method?"

I stare at her face and I hate her "Because I wanted to." and I slam the laptop shut.

____

The day passes in a blur. I sit by the window, and I stare at the busy street, as the world moves on, and I dig a hole and sink into it. Why that suicide method?, because I wanted to die, to feel pain, to suffer, to sink, to feel the water, feel it pull me in, feel it fill me from within till I burst from the seams, feel it fill up nostrils. I wanted to feel death, and I did, for a while.

I remembered the day I made up my mind to die. It was the day Nina left. I met her at Brown University, in Providence, we became fast friends, and she became my center, how stupid of me because when she left, she took me entire being with her.

I get attached easily, give myself out freely, no wonder I am so empty.

I grew up witrh Danielle and Fiona in Smallville, we had clashes and moments, especially with Fiona's ex boyfriend Luca Dulio who turned out to be a masochistic psychopath, then Xavier and Damon came along, then Cara.

Truth be told, we've come a long way, they've come a long way, and I am happy with how much progress they've made.

Danielle and Xavier are finally together after a decade of bloodshed and family traumas. Caden and Fiona have a baby, their journey has been riddled with addiction and pain, but they've healed. Cara and Tino are one my most beaautiful love story, and I think Cara has the best story.

Nikolas and Taliana have the craziest plot twist, but God, they make me so envious of their love, well, they made me. Damian might not be with someone now, but he's better.

The day I decided to die was Caden and Lia's birthday, I wore a purple gown and I felt pretty, Danielle was so happy, I should have known it won't last. Nina's word are forever stuck in my head -- you want too much, you want to have it all, you are not flexible. you want the fairytale love, you want to have it all, you might have none -- She told me she was freing herselffrom al the bullshit I embody, She told me everyone was going to leave me eventually. I rememeber that day vividly, my eyes cloud from the memory, that was the beginning of the end, the day I broke.

Related chapters

  • Viola    Chapter Two

    February passes in a blur of loneliness and self loathing. March rolls in, and I still haven't step outside my apartment. I rarely eat, because i need to lose weight. Body Image is something I have struggled with for years. I'm a young woman of 23, with a non-perfect body, witrh fiery red hair, strech marks all over my ass and thigh I hate it so much. My mother was beautiful, tall, with black hair that flowed to her waist, and an hour glass shape, she was an angel, I've always wanted a body like hers.My laptop rings, and absentmindly I click, hoping to see Dr. Chynna, but I see Danielle, looking at me with a wides smile. I met her almost ten years in Smallville, it took a while for her to trust me, and I was lonely, so I wanted friends. She was mourning the loss of her father and grandfather, and her mother left. She was in a bad place, but she let me in, ironically I didn't let her in. I kept up an image, a face, facade, it was impenetrable, no one knew the real me, and I think I br

    Last Updated : 2023-08-25
  • Viola    Chapter Three

    "I'm not saying you made her leave, ultimately whatever choice we make, we chose to. Nina chose to leave, but, perhaps she was influenced, maybe you deliberately pulled away from her, in hopes that she'll leave, you wanted her to leave, but couldn't actually say it, so in a subtle way you self sabotage your friendship with her by not picking her calls, not returning her messages, drifting apart from her unconciously, because subconciously it has been embedded in you to leave before you're left. Nina left, but you pushed her."I'm frozen, shocked at her audacity,"Perhaps this also applies to another aspect of your life with Zayn Som -- ""Fuck you, Chynna!" I slam the laptop shut.I made Nina leave? How incredulous. I lay on the floor, feeling the familiar pain in my chest, and I realized I am actually grieving, mourning, but what, if not Nina, what else did I lose?______Self Sabotage, unbelievable. It's 3am, and I'm sitting in the kitchen, sipping hot coffee. I've been up for hours

    Last Updated : 2023-08-25
  • Viola    Chapter Four

    "Vanilla, I've tried everything, Blu still won't slee -- Viola." Caden comes into view, and I gasp, then grin."Caden." I say, quietly, and he smiles at me, and in there I see acceptance and forgiveness, I just need to learn to accept and forgive myself.He sits beside his wife, then adjust the baby in his hand, so I get a full look, and I gasp. Lily Viola Blu in all her beauty, sucking her thumb like her life depends on it, she tilts her head my way and God, her eyes, big beautiful brown.I smile at her parents, seeing the life they've created, how far they've come makes my heart ache, it makes me long for something like that, something as beautiful, with no darkness----What I want is what I was, Slyvia Plath had written, and that's what I need, who I was, who I used to be. Long before life broke me, I used to be happy, I had my brother - Isaac, and bestfriend - Si, they were my center. My parents were disgustingly in love, life was beautiful, and I had everything I wanted. Then,

    Last Updated : 2023-08-26
  • Viola    Chapter Five

    "Remember I said you're grieving, mourning a loss, a recent one. They are five stages of grief - Denial, Anger, Bargainning, Depression and Acceptance, however, writers have argued that going through grief doesn't mandates that we go through this stages in a chronological order, yes these are the stages we pass through when grieving a certain loss but this stages are not felt chronologically. Now, I believe you are mourning the loss of yourself, grieving the loss of who used to be." I stare at her, wondering how she can spew nonsence with a straight face "You are incredulous."She stares at me "It's called Self Mourning. Over the course of our life, we lose pieces of ourselves, becoming someone we never thought we'd be. We need to grieve who we were, so we can become who we are meant to be. It is as simple as mourning the loss of a -- "I cut her off, angry "Simple? Chynna, Griefing is not simple. What the fuck are you even talking about. I lost my Mother, lost my Brother, and now yo

    Last Updated : 2023-08-26
  • Viola    Chapter Six

    Viola Point of View"we accept the love we think we deserve"I nod at him, feeling relievd by his kindness, so I sit, which is when I see it - my scar. It is long, fills an entire side of my wrist, this makes me freeze, knowing it is out in the open for everyone to see, to see my ugliness.I am about to leave when he comes with a smile, placing everything before me."This is Beans on Toast, Pot Noodles, Bourbon Biscuit and some Scotch Eggs." He says, and I give him a shaky smile, happy when he leaves.I pick up the Beans on Toast, and nervously begin to eat, which is really awkward because I am trying to conceal my scar, I give up, instead, drop the bill, plus tip and leave.The next half an hour helps me find my way to Hyde Park. I stare round it, it is wide, so I raise my hand to shield my self from sunlight, then my bangles sparkle, I had to buy ten, five for each hand.Gingerly, I walk across the Park, staring at everyone, the Families, the Lovers, and realize how lonely I actuall

    Last Updated : 2023-11-05

Latest chapter

  • Viola    Chapter Six

    Viola Point of View"we accept the love we think we deserve"I nod at him, feeling relievd by his kindness, so I sit, which is when I see it - my scar. It is long, fills an entire side of my wrist, this makes me freeze, knowing it is out in the open for everyone to see, to see my ugliness.I am about to leave when he comes with a smile, placing everything before me."This is Beans on Toast, Pot Noodles, Bourbon Biscuit and some Scotch Eggs." He says, and I give him a shaky smile, happy when he leaves.I pick up the Beans on Toast, and nervously begin to eat, which is really awkward because I am trying to conceal my scar, I give up, instead, drop the bill, plus tip and leave.The next half an hour helps me find my way to Hyde Park. I stare round it, it is wide, so I raise my hand to shield my self from sunlight, then my bangles sparkle, I had to buy ten, five for each hand.Gingerly, I walk across the Park, staring at everyone, the Families, the Lovers, and realize how lonely I actuall

  • Viola    Chapter Five

    "Remember I said you're grieving, mourning a loss, a recent one. They are five stages of grief - Denial, Anger, Bargainning, Depression and Acceptance, however, writers have argued that going through grief doesn't mandates that we go through this stages in a chronological order, yes these are the stages we pass through when grieving a certain loss but this stages are not felt chronologically. Now, I believe you are mourning the loss of yourself, grieving the loss of who used to be." I stare at her, wondering how she can spew nonsence with a straight face "You are incredulous."She stares at me "It's called Self Mourning. Over the course of our life, we lose pieces of ourselves, becoming someone we never thought we'd be. We need to grieve who we were, so we can become who we are meant to be. It is as simple as mourning the loss of a -- "I cut her off, angry "Simple? Chynna, Griefing is not simple. What the fuck are you even talking about. I lost my Mother, lost my Brother, and now yo

  • Viola    Chapter Four

    "Vanilla, I've tried everything, Blu still won't slee -- Viola." Caden comes into view, and I gasp, then grin."Caden." I say, quietly, and he smiles at me, and in there I see acceptance and forgiveness, I just need to learn to accept and forgive myself.He sits beside his wife, then adjust the baby in his hand, so I get a full look, and I gasp. Lily Viola Blu in all her beauty, sucking her thumb like her life depends on it, she tilts her head my way and God, her eyes, big beautiful brown.I smile at her parents, seeing the life they've created, how far they've come makes my heart ache, it makes me long for something like that, something as beautiful, with no darkness----What I want is what I was, Slyvia Plath had written, and that's what I need, who I was, who I used to be. Long before life broke me, I used to be happy, I had my brother - Isaac, and bestfriend - Si, they were my center. My parents were disgustingly in love, life was beautiful, and I had everything I wanted. Then,

  • Viola    Chapter Three

    "I'm not saying you made her leave, ultimately whatever choice we make, we chose to. Nina chose to leave, but, perhaps she was influenced, maybe you deliberately pulled away from her, in hopes that she'll leave, you wanted her to leave, but couldn't actually say it, so in a subtle way you self sabotage your friendship with her by not picking her calls, not returning her messages, drifting apart from her unconciously, because subconciously it has been embedded in you to leave before you're left. Nina left, but you pushed her."I'm frozen, shocked at her audacity,"Perhaps this also applies to another aspect of your life with Zayn Som -- ""Fuck you, Chynna!" I slam the laptop shut.I made Nina leave? How incredulous. I lay on the floor, feeling the familiar pain in my chest, and I realized I am actually grieving, mourning, but what, if not Nina, what else did I lose?______Self Sabotage, unbelievable. It's 3am, and I'm sitting in the kitchen, sipping hot coffee. I've been up for hours

  • Viola    Chapter Two

    February passes in a blur of loneliness and self loathing. March rolls in, and I still haven't step outside my apartment. I rarely eat, because i need to lose weight. Body Image is something I have struggled with for years. I'm a young woman of 23, with a non-perfect body, witrh fiery red hair, strech marks all over my ass and thigh I hate it so much. My mother was beautiful, tall, with black hair that flowed to her waist, and an hour glass shape, she was an angel, I've always wanted a body like hers.My laptop rings, and absentmindly I click, hoping to see Dr. Chynna, but I see Danielle, looking at me with a wides smile. I met her almost ten years in Smallville, it took a while for her to trust me, and I was lonely, so I wanted friends. She was mourning the loss of her father and grandfather, and her mother left. She was in a bad place, but she let me in, ironically I didn't let her in. I kept up an image, a face, facade, it was impenetrable, no one knew the real me, and I think I br

  • Viola    Chapter One

    I remembered the day I died, or tried to, a rather pathetic failure if you ask me, another thing I failed at. It was a sunny day, I despised the sun. I was in my New York apartment, and I felt really empty, like I have never feel before. I contemplated jumping from the roof, but that would be messy, sliting my wrist and jumping into the pool is also messy. I pitied the woman who found me. I still want to die, but now in a mild manner, simple, quick, definitely not grande.The doctors asked me Why, so did my Dad. Danielle screamed, and Fiona cried. Cara was shocked into silence, I guess your best friend killing herself can mute you. Lia whispered why why why. Why did I slit my wrist with a kitchen knife and jump in a pool, making it crimson within seconds. Why did I want to kill myself. I don't know, all I know is I didn't want to live , I still don't.What drives a person to suicide, to that point where they decide to die. The doctors had asked, and all I could do was stare at the cei

DMCA.com Protection Status