Chapter Four

"Vanilla, I've tried everything, Blu still won't slee -- Viola." Caden comes into view, and I gasp, then grin.

"Caden." I say, quietly, and he smiles at me, and in there I see acceptance and forgiveness, I just need to learn to accept and forgive myself.

He sits beside his wife, then adjust the baby in his hand, so I get a full look, and I gasp. Lily Viola Blu in all her beauty, sucking her thumb like her life depends on it, she tilts her head my way and God, her eyes, big beautiful brown.

I smile at her parents, seeing the life they've created, how far they've come makes my heart ache, it makes me long for something like that, something as beautiful, with no darkness

----

What I want is what I was, Slyvia Plath had written, and that's what I need, who I was, who I used to be. Long before life broke me, I used to be happy, I had my brother - Isaac, and bestfriend - Si, they were my center.

My parents were disgustingly in love, life was beautiful, and I had everything I wanted. Then, I got my heart broken, everything crashed, and life wrecked me, my mom and brother were gone forever, and my best friend left, I forgot how to breathe, my family - or lack thereof was held together by faked strenght, then came Danielle, and with her came the others, and for a while I was happy, but that ended too.

I could go on and on about the tragedy my life has become, but all I want is who I was.

It's been a week since I spoke to Fiona, and it gave me a little bit of respite. Knock on my chest, and it'll sound, hollow, empty, a void.

Slowly, I get up from the bed, I woke up sad, it has become a routine. I still want to die, because I've found no reason to live.

I stifle my yawn, and frown as her face flashes in my mind, Nina, I sink back into the bed, feeling my chest ache, I'm done pretending I don't hate her, She hurt me, she broke my heart, she wrecked me, she said I wanted too much, who the fuck does she think she is.

you opened your heart and she did what she was meant to do.

I take a deep breath, and pick up my phone, I stare at the screen, feel my heart pound and my hands sweat.

I open the phone, and go straight to her i*******m account, the last message was her wishing me a happy birthday, how pretentious and cruel. I feel a headache coming, I shut my eyes, massaging my head. I try to ignore the pictures she recently posted, try to ignore her story, ignore how she's moved on, how dare her?

I feel the tears forming and I fight them back, how easy for her to move on, why is it hard for me to do the same.

She left last July, and it's March now, but I'm still sore, like it happened yesterday.

Where do Love go? She loved me, I'm sure of that, where did it go, how fast did hers go? I sniff, keeping the tears at bay, and I type - “I hate you, I hate you so much, and I'm done pretending that I don't. I hate you so much, and you hurt me. You were my bestfriend, my favorite person, and you left me.

You read my books, the ones I don't share with the world, you've seen the demons between each lines, and yet, you went on and became one of them, you knew my demons and you become one anyway. You knew my achiles heel, and you stabbed a knife through it.

You hurt me intentionally. I loved you, trusted you and yet you became a bitch I couldn't recognise. I don't want much, I want exactly what I need, you just weren't enough. I should wish you the best but I damn you to the hottest part of hell. You said I wasn't flexible, and I still can't understand that, I bent and broke for you, how more bent and broken did you want me, how stupid I was to think so highly of you.

I was there for you, always, when you were sick, when your daddy issues struck, I knew you, that part of you no one does, well, I thought I did. I didn't expect the knife you stuck in my back.

I am tired of pretending I don't hate you, you hurt me, you tried to break me, you actually broke me, but had you not broken me so completely, I might never know the value of healing, your torment forged my soul.

You wear a facade, pretending to be a bad bitch, you aren't, you are just sad, and a little girl, crying for the love her father couldn't give her. William deserves better, so do I."

I release a harsh breathe, a rare smile on my face as I press send, and a weight is lifted from my shoulders.

perfect, you hate her

And for the first time, the voices in my head, and I align.

________

"And how did that make you feel?" Dr. Chynna asks, and I shrug.

It's finally midday, and I feel good, perhaps it's time to stroll the streets of London, read a book, listen to music, and binge watch some series.

"Good." I smile, and she nods.

Impulsively, I say "Maybe I do self sabotage."

She raises an eyebrow "How did you come to this conclusion?"

"I spoke to Fiona."

"Ah." She says with a nostlagic smile, it hard to believe that Fiona was once her patient.

"She said I'm afraid of love, it scares me. Perhaps, on some occasions, I self sabotage my relationship with Nina, and I did push Zayn away. I am scared of love, I'd prefer solitude, because no one can hurt me there." I say, smiling.

"But you can, and you have." She states, and I frown.

"Self Sabotage comes from lack if self esteem, feeling of worthlessness, incompetence, a belief that you don't deserve love and self hatred. Suicide is a self sabotaging behaviour, and it is actively or passively preventing ourself from success. Now, that it has been identified, I can help you through it." She says, and I nod.