Chapter 4

“What are you doing, Kyna?!” His eyes now are burning while looking at me but I just look at him while hiding the emotions in my mask. I can’t let him see my darkest secret. No one is allowed to see that.

“What’s happening to you?!” He wiped his face using his hand. His breathing starts to get fast as if he’s just trying to hold back everything but the way he grits his teeth, I know, he’s now mad. I just need to ready myself for everything.

But what’s the real reason why am I being like this? It’s because of them. Ever since they broke up, they always put me in the middle as if I did something wrong and they always shout at me even if I wasn’t doing something 

“I did everything to make your life easier. The only thing that I want is to focus on your studies but what are you doing?! Your grades are too low.” He clenched his hand into a fist while looking at me. I can see the fire surrounding him in the way he snapped.

Did he make my life easy? No, because what I only feel now is sadness. Did he mean easy? Because I can’t. Every time I walk, every time I did something or choose something, they going to turn that into a negative. Is this what he says?

“I am the reason why you are studying.” I grit my teeth and tilt my head. This is what I hate the most. It’s their responsibility as a parent yet they are saying that to me? My grades aren’t that low. It’s just that they have their standard that I can’t even reach because I can’t focus. I can’t handle everything. My emotion, my mental health, the pressure that they’re giving me, the problem of this family, the way how they guide me.

It’s too much that I can’t even breathe. Why don’t they understand everything? Why do they always ignore our feelings? Is it because we’re just a kid or our feelings is just an act? I can’t understand them. they always think that they are right even if they are not. It’s just that they can’t accept the fact because it will hurt their ego.

“Damn, Kyna! Is it hard to give what I wanted?” he asked. I wanted to nod my head but I decided not to because he will just say things that will hurt my feelings. I can’t breathe. Please, stop. This is absurd. Fuck!

“Why can’t you give me what I wanted? I’m your dad and you’re just my kid.” I froze for a minute. So I’m just his child? He wanted me to follow what he wanted because I’m just his kid.

I laugh hoarsely and place my hand on my nape. “Just your kid? Did I choose to live? I just woke up and suddenly, I’m now breathing. Who did a miracle to make me alive? You and Mom, right?” I wipe the tears that fell to my cheeks. I didn’t notice that I’m now already crying.

“Are you blaming me for something that I didn’t want? Are you blaming me because I took your freedom? Is it my fault that you’re having a hard time in your life? Are you blaming me because I was born? You shouldn’t because that is what you chose, not me.” I shook my head repeatedly and walk away. I need to get out of his sight before I said something. I heard his voice echo in the living room, calling my name as if he wanted to shout at me again.

It’s true, right? It’s not my choice to live because I am innocent. I didn’t choose to be here begging my life to someone, longing for love, wanting to be loved, begging to be accepted, and everything. It’s not my choice. It’s not.

I entered my room and closed the door right away because I don’t what him to follow me. I can’t face him. It’s hurting me that my dad blaming me for something. Why is it always like that? Why? It’s their responsibility but why they are blaming us who did nothing but fit ourselves in their standard?

Why is it always our fault? Not because we’re just their child, they can now do everything to hurt our feelings but when we try to explain ourselves, they think we’re disrespecting them. they always ignored everything and I can’t stand it, hearing those words as if we’re just a robot who can’t feel anything.

If only I were just like that, then I would choose to hear everything until I can remember everything. But I’m not a robot and I know, even if he apologized, there will be a scar that will be left. It broke me into pieces and even if I tried to fix that, I know, it’s the same as before.

I lay my exhausted body on my bed and create a scene in my mind but every time I do that, I can see myself crying. Why can’t I be happy just like what I wanted?

“You’re crying?” I heard a voice and I didn’t know why it sounded familiar. I wipe my tears on my cheeks and roam my eyes until I found him, standing while looking at me. There was concern on his face so I shook my head and pretended that I’m not crying.

I force myself to smile just like I wanted but my tears betrayed me. He rushed towards me and wrapped me in his arms. I placed my hands on his chest and cried until I let out a sob. He just caresses the back of my head trying to calm me down but the sadness keeps on prevailing. When will I become happy?

“Are you now okay?” he asked and cupped my face then wipe my tears on my cheeks using his thumb. I faintly smiled and shook my head. I will never be okay if there is always sadness in my life. If only I can change everything.