Chapter 6

"Stop... Stop Alex!" I hold my sweater close to my body, frozen in place, unsure of what else to do as I watch him throwing armfuls of clothes into his suitcase. "Can't we just talk?" The warm tears stream down my cheeks. 

Alex turns to face me and scoffs. His blue eyes are callous as he draws his top lip over his teeth. "Well you already found out about her, what else is there to talk about?" He stumbles toward me, the suffocating stench of alcohol wafting from his breath. 

"Jesus, you're drunk," I spit at him. "What is wrong with you?" 

"I don't want you anymore, Kristine. I'm happier with someone else." He pushes past me to retrieve more clothes from the dresser drawers. 

I stare at him dumbfounded, jaw dropped, desperately searching for words. 

"What about this!?" I hiss as I hold up my hand, hovering my engagement ring in front of his face. "Does this mean anything to you?"  

"No, it really doesn't." He hiccups. "I thought if I gave into your bitching about getting married... Maybe it could've fixed things." He shrugs. "Clearly, I was wrong." 

I ball my hand into a fist feeling the sting of my nails against my palm, I loosen my grip and drop it to my side. "You–you asshole." Using my thumb, I twist the ring around my finger anxiously. His eyes trail down to my hand, watching the diamond circled around my finger. 

"How could you give me this and then say that you feel nothing?" I say through clenched teeth. 

Alex's jaw hardens. "Because you made me, you didn't give me a choice. You always made it about what you wanted. But clearly there's no need for it anymore." He grabs my wrist tightly, attempting to tear the ring from my finger. I cry out in pain as the metal digs into my skin. 

"Stop!" The ring loosens from my finger and clatters on the floor, rolling beneath the bed. Alex groans in frustration and pushes me forcefully, my back hitting the bedroom wall, knocking the air from my lungs. I slide down to the floor, pull my knees to my chest, and wrap my arms around myself. My vision blurs and my eyes sting. 

"Do you realize how much that fucking cost me? I want it back, Kris. Find it." He turns back to his bag, zipping it quickly and tossing it onto the ground beside me. 

"I gave you everything. And yet, I had to beg for a shred of affection and attention from you and all this time you were giving it to–to her!" I say through shuddering breaths. 

I shake my head in disbelief. "Why? It just doesn't make sense?" I'm whispering now. 

Alex hovers above me for a moment before crouching down, placing his face inches from mine. "Because you weren't enough, you aren't enough. I mean look at you, you're a fucking mess." He stands up abruptly and turns away from me, grabbing a few more of his items from the closet. 

"But I love you," I sob. 

"I don't love you, I haven't for a while now." 

I hold my hands over my ears. "Shut up, shut up." 

"Honestly Kris, I don't know how you kept me here this long. I don't think I could have survived with you much longer, let alone marry you." 

"Shut the fuck up!" 

I bolt upright in my bed, clawing at my chest and gasping for air, my heart nearly beating through my chest. My sheets are drenched in sweat and my pillows are knocked onto the floor. I throw the blankets off of my shaking body and run into the bathroom, vomiting into the toilet. I lift myself up and flush, dropping the lid with a loud thud. I wipe my mouth on the back of my hand, sitting down on the cold tile floor, I lean against the wall and attempt to stabilize my breathing. 

It was just a dream, Kris. A nightmare. Everything about him was a nightmare. 

I run my vomit-free hand through my hair, brushing the sweaty strands behind my ears. I take a deep breath and ease myself from the floor. I wash my hands and stare blankly at my reflection in the mirror. I don't recognize the face that looks back at me. She's a broken shell of the woman she once was, sweaty hair plastered to her pale face and bloodshot eyes. It takes me a moment to accept that the woman staring back at me, is myself. 

I splash a handful of cool water on my face and return to my bedroom. I pick up my pillows from the floor before dropping back down onto the bed. Letting out a heavy sigh, I rest my back against the headboard. My eyes scan the dark room, I fear going back to sleep. I reach onto my nightstand and check my phone. 

2:42am 

I bite my thumb nail and hover my other hand over the phone screen, contemplating if I should call Kate or not. This isn't the first time I've had this nightmare, and it won't be the last. My breakup with Alex plays in a constant loop in my head, whether I am conscious or unconscious. Every single painful detail, again and again. 

Don't call her, leave her alone. It's the middle of the night. 

I open my photos app and scroll through my album of old pictures of myself and Alex. My thumb flicks against the screen, picture after picture. Images of when we first met, our high school dances, high school and college graduations, his proposal, our engagement pictures. I was supposed to marry this man. I was going to continue to build a life with him –and now here I am. The nausea returns and my heart rate increases. I press my hand to my mouth, suppressing the urge to vomit again. 

Fuck it. 

I close out the photos and FaceTime Kate. She doesn't answer and I end the call. I sit in silence, contemplating if I should try again. Before I get the chance, I have an incoming FaceTime call from her. I quickly tap the green button on the screen. 

"Hey hun, what's wrong? Are you okay?" She rubs her eyes and yawns. 

"No. I–I–" My words turn to sobs and her expression softens. 

"You had the dream again, didn't you?" she asks quietly. 

I nod. "I need it to fucking stop." I shake my head in frustration. 

"It will eventually," she says sympathetically. "I can't tell you when, but I know it will stop." 

"I loved him, Kate. I still don't understand where it went wrong. We were happy, I thought we were happy." I sigh. 

"He was emotionally abusive, narcissistic, neglectful, and almost always drunk, Kris, and I know you know that. Do you need me to keep going with the list?" 

I shake my head,. "No, you don't need to." 

Her eyes narrow. "Were you looking at pictures again?" she asks. 

I avert my eyes from the phone. "No..." I mutter guiltily. 

"Knock that off, Kris. It's like picking at a scab. It's never going to heal if you keep going back to it." 

I nod. "I know. I know..." My voice trails off. 

Kate props her phone up against something and ties her hair into a bun on the top of her head. She appears to be in a bathroom that's not her own because I don't recognize the dark grey walls and the black towels hung on the rack behind her. The room is the opposite of hers which is bright and accented with pink and yellow. 

"You're not at home." I observe. "Where are you?" 

A sly smile pulls across her lips. "You're not the only one who gets to have anonymous fun." She winks. 

I laugh and wipe the tears from my face. "I suppose that's fair. Who is he?" 

"Ah..." She sighs. "Mark? Matt? I've got to be honest, I'm not entirely sure. Some guy from Tinder." She shrugs. 

"Hey, as long as he does the job." I shrug and laugh. 

"Oh he did it well. Ten out of ten, would bang again.," she teases. 

A yawn escapes my lips, it's getting harder to fight off sleep. 

"Go back to bed.," Kate urges. "You need to be up in a few hours for work." 

I nod. "I'm going to try. Love you." 

"I know." Kate blows a kiss and ends the call. 

I place my phone back onto my nightstand and crawl under the blankets once again. I curl up on my side, burying my head under my pillow. I hold it tightly against my ears, trying to drown out my own anxious thoughts. 

Get him out of your head, Kristine. Think about literally anything else. 

I begin to think about E. I imagine his warm breath against my neck, his soft fingers tracing along my skin, his determined lips against mine. My body aches to be with him again. But not just for the need of his touch, but to be close to him, trapped within a bubble with just the two of us and no reminders of the outside world. Soon, my eyes grow heavy and I quickly drift off to sleep.