The Fear

Maybe there was still something good in that day after all, my date with Benjamim, okay, not exactly a date, but it gave me the courage to get up off the couch and go find some comfortable clothes to wear.

I tried on my old jeans with a black T-shirt, but it looked too tight and the jeans too tight around the waist; okay, maybe I should try on my embroidered red dress; I put it on and stared in the mirror, all I saw was a sack of potatoes standing on end, and I came to the conclusion that no matter what I wore, it wouldn't change who I am.

 And there I was once again, in front of the mirror staring at my reflection with extreme difficulty because of the tears that blurred my vision.

It was an endless cycle, always the same thing... I was so tired of it, of seeing myself like this, of being like this.

I was extremely overweight, but that wasn't the only thing that bothered me, it wasn't just my physical condition; the overweight, the stretch marks, the rounded face, the exaggerated breasts, the short and rebellious hair... it wasn't just that... It was how I felt inside too, I felt frustrated, I imagined myself different when I reached that age , maybe I had finished college, maybe I was working with something I really like, but no... In my resume I accumulated a list of unfinished courses, frustrated dreams, to top it off I was unemployed. I had nothing.

I was nothing.

At least once a week this occurred to me, I would stop in front of the mirror and look at myself, first from the outside, which was enough to knock me down; I was out of balance, on the outside an enormous excess of mass and skin, on the inside an emptiness bigger than myself.

I felt so huge on the outside, but inside, so small.

It was complex, extremely complex.

But I needed those moments, maybe it's self-pity, maybe self-pity, take it however you want... For me that was the moment when I took off my armor, allowed myself to breathe a little.

I was tired. That was my state of mind now.

I was a fake.

Outside, I sat across from people encouraging them to face their fear, follow their dreams and most importantly, love themselves... Humph. I was a hypocrite; I never did any of that, I was never like that... in that room, alone, I was "me", without a forced smile, without having to pretend to be strong... I was a scrap of what I once was or could be. .. I was the twelve-year-old girl who came home crying running to her mother's lap because at school they called her fat... Today I'm the same little girl, the difference is that I don't have a lap to cry on, and that today, I'm the one who points the finger at myself and labels myself like that.

I'm still the same, it's still the same story repeating itself... the difference is that the villain has changed... now the villain is me.

This feeling was horrible and it burned me, but I couldn't let myself be given over to it again; before I could think my cell phone rang and to my surprise it was Benjamim, I wanted to hang up, ignore it, pretend I hadn't seen it because my mind was far away, but that would be rude and no one was to blame for the things I was carrying inside, I cleaned the throat and wiped away the tears, as if he would see that.

— Hi, sorry if I'm disturbing you, are you on your lunch break?

"Hmm... let's just say yes."

— Ah, cool, I am too, do you have lunch nearby? We could have lunch together.

“Oh, good, I'm home. Something unforeseen happened, but it's still up later if that's okay with you.

“Oh sure, I hope that's okay…I'm looking forward to more of the afternoon; until then Esther.

I took a deep breath and tried to focus only on that, that I would have a nice night with someone I like, and I think that was what motivated me to leave that room and occupy my mind; I didn't have much to do, so I cleaned the apartment and made dinner for Pedro and Rafa; they always arrived exhausted, it would be nice to offer this treat to both of them.

Close to the time I scheduled with Benjamim I was already ready, I put on a navy blue floral dress that had a skirt that made me feel like a princess; a poor princess, but still a princess, I put on sneakers, tied my hair in a bun letting only the bangs escape my face, grabbed my purse and left towards the bus stop; before I got there, I saw something from afar that made my heart twist, become small and be seized with anguish... Staggering, leaning against the walls, I saw Pedro, completely dejected, his clothes torn, the skin on his face and arms marked by bruises that warned me that something very bad had happened; I ran towards him and saw that there were bruises all over his body, blood dripped from the corner of his mouth and marked his entire body; I grabbed him at that very moment, he backed away scared, as if he was afraid of anyone who approached and the moment he saw me, he recognized that it was me there, he hugged me, he burst into tears as I had never seen him cry in my life and in that moment Instantly I saw that the bruises under his body shouldn't be hurting as much as the cuts inside.

I took my friend back to the apartment, made him sit on the sofa, ran to the kitchen and wet a cloth with alcohol.

“This is going to hurt a little. — I warned him; he stared at me with a contorted face, he couldn't think that anything could cause him more pain at that moment.

I passed that fabric gently over his wounds, seeing the small piece of white cloth turn vivid red, the blood that flowed from him was as intense as the tears that flowed from his eyes.

- What happened? — I asked, afraid that maybe it wasn't the right thing to ask... he seemed to be looking for strength to express himself, he was having trouble breathing, and I knew it was another crisis coming, besides the situation that I didn't know how it had been caused... at that moment, I sat in front of him, grabbed his hands trying to hold back the tears that were insisting on falling; I wanted to tell him that I was there, whatever it was and that everything would be fine soon; I wanted to say so much, but I think when he looked me in the eyes, he saw it; I felt her hands hold mine tightly; I wanted to take all that pain out of him now; but I couldn't, it was up to me to stay by his side and try to ease it, to show him that he wasn't alone.

After a few minutes, Pedro calmed down, got up and went to take a shower, still not saying a word.

I sent a message to Benjamim saying I couldn't go, I apologized, but I couldn't leave my best friend like that; I called Rafa and told him what had happened so that he could come straight home.

When Pedro got out of the shower, I was waiting in the living room; he came to my side and rested his head in my lap, he lay curled up, I saw him small at that moment, it was certainly how he was feeling at that moment.

"I was leaving work and I called Sebastian…" he started to speak. "I was so happy, you know? But, three guys approached, they came out of nowhere... they surrounded me, they started saying things that I didn't understand, I... I don't know why they started hitting me, I offered money, but they didn't want anything more to beat me up... They hated Ther... I don't know why, what did I do to deserve this? Is it because who I am? What harm does it cause in the lives of others? — I felt the embargo in his voice, and my throat closed, I staggered my head back, I couldn't even imagine that scene, why would anyone do that? How could there be so much hate in the world?

Before I could say anything, Ralph was through the door like a hurricane.

- What happened ? - She sat on the carpet, holding our friend's hands. - Did you see who did this to you? We need to report it, it can't stay like this.

— I just want to understand why I have to live like this? I'm afraid to leave the house, I analyze every person who sits next to me on the bus, people look at me crookedly, they don't see me... I'm not different from anyone else; i want a good job, work for my livelihood, peace and quiet like everyone else... i want to love freely who i choose to love... is that too much to ask? Is it too much to ask to be able to go out without fear of being judged? Why is my way of loving wrong?

Rafa screwed up his face, I saw the anguish reflected in his eyes.

— You need to hold on and be strong, we will always be here for you... the world is dirty and full of hate, we are not free of it; but both of us will always be here, we will fight and defend you from whatever it may be... you are not alone.

Rafa enveloped him and me in a hug... I hated having to see one of them go through something like that, especially since I knew that the physical wounds that were on my friend's skin would heal faster than those that had been opened inside from him.

Unfortunately, that was the reality; the world was not beautiful as the books showed; I saw Pedro face countless barriers because of the spread of hate from people, I saw him go through many things and every time this was repeated, something inside him broke, something inside Rafa and me too...

All the hatred and prejudice that the world spread made us fear, every day when Pedro walked out the door; made us fear what could happen, how far could hatred go? He might not be here now and that tormented me at the same time I was relieved that he was, but I couldn't bear to see how much pain it caused him... So many times I've seen him want to take his life, believing himself to be sick, to be an abomination and that it hurt the most, to think that he could ever see himself like this, because he was one of the most amazing people I've ever met... but that's what the world does to you; he is rotten, ugly... and wants to make you feel the same; there wasn't much Rafa and I could do now other than support our friend; the next day we would look for the means to take the necessary measures, but now, we just needed to be there by his side and show him that we would always be there... It didn't matter if the world was against us, we would use whatever weapons were necessary to fight against him.