Someone to turn to

The next day everything was looking like grayscale; Pedro didn't go to work, and neither did Rafa; we were still digesting last night's events, but we didn't have time to regret it; we went to the police station and did the b.o, I wished that was enough but I knew it wasn't; there were many other people going through the same situation as my friend had last night.

It was being one of those days when you wanted to be in a deep sleep and only wake up when everything was over; I wanted to do something more for Pedro at that moment but I knew I couldn't get that pain out of him, much less calculate the size of it.

Arriving home, I headed to the kitchen while Rafa and he watched series on the couch; I started to prepare the pasta for a lasagna, I took it to the oven while I made mashed potatoes and rice, loose the way they liked it.

I heard them laugh in front of the sofa and I stopped, watching them, I loved that sound, I loved those two people so much; that was what gave hope; in the moments when I looked at myself and my life and felt dissatisfied with it, I tried to get attached to those people around me; they were enough reasons to bring me back to myself; I had someone for me and someone to protect.

Rafa looked up at me and stared at me with a frown; got up and walked towards me.

— What it was? she asked.

— Anything. I'm making lunch.

— Where were you going yesterday? Before all this happens?

I bit my lower lip and turned my back to her; I stirred the rice on the stove that was already on point.

—Any place.

—Serious? Are you going to lie to me?

— Okay. Remember Benjamin? I found him again and well, we were going to see each other last night.

"Wait a minute... When were you going to tell me?" That Benjamin? I can't believe it... was it like a date?

— Shiu... keep it down. — scolding her and looking over her shoulder, but Pedro was distracted on the sofa. — I don't want Pedro to know, he's going to feel bad, thinking he messed up something, you met him and... it was just a casual meeting between two friends.

— Seriously, Esther... I know you enough to know that it's not just that... this guy always messed with you a little.

So much so, I wanted to correct her, but I wasn't in the right mind.

— Look, anyway it was better this way, I'm afraid to create too many expectations again and, yesterday was a bad day, I still haven't told you for everything that happened, but, I got fired yesterday.

— Ah Ther…I'm so sorry about that.

— All good. — I'm just unemployed and lost, I wanted to say, but I just shrugged.

— Don't worry, Jotapê and I will handle the ends until you get something new; everything will be fine.

I really wanted to believe that, I really needed to believe that everything would be okay, because I had nothing else to do but keep the faith that was the one thing I couldn't lose.

— Let's eat.

We ate together watching Friends; my friend still couldn't look at himself in the mirror, whenever he saw his image in the mirror, the black eye, the mark near his mouth he would break down in tears; and I knew it was the memories invading his mind, so Rafa and I tried to make moments like that last longer, where at least for a few minutes he felt welcomed, no longer alone; he managed to smile and forget the pain he carried in his skin and soul.

When afternoon came, I got a message from Benjamin, and for some reason my heart skipped a beat when I saw the notification on my screen; I held the cell phone in my hands with a nervousness that I didn't know where it came from, as if he was in front of me and could see my nervousness.

"Everything is fine with you? I didn't see you at the bus stop today, I don't want to intrude, but I'm worried.”

I started to answer him kind of awkwardly.

"It's okay, I had some issues to sort out, but don't worry."

Twenty seconds later the answer came.

“Ask me something that is really possible.”

Did he care about me that much?

“Send me more chapters of your story”.

I got a laugh emoji in response, and I could see and hear his laugh on the other side of the screen; he wasn't the type of person who would send an emoji like that if it was empty of real meaning.

“When everything is better, we can reschedule last night.”

I didn't know what to answer, but Rafa was by my side and I didn't realize that she was following the whole conversation.

— Reschedule for today. — she said with conviction.

— Do you know, it's very impolite to invade other people's privacy like that? —  I said.

— Since when is this in this house?

I laughed, because there really wasn't anything we didn't know about each other.

— You're wasting your time. — said Pedro, I stared at him in surprise and she shrugged. — it's not the first time I've pretended to be distracted to listen to your conversation and look, I'm going to feel really bad if you don't do this today, I swear I won't forgive myself and you'll be feeling bitter for me feeling that way for you.

What he said didn't make any sense to me, but even so, I didn't make an effort to try to understand.

I glared at the two eavesdroppers who were staring at me with encouragement and snorted.

“Okay, it could be today if that’s okay with you.”

It took five minutes for the answer to come.

“At seven in the cafeteria near the square, in the center? Is it too far away for you?”

"I will be there."

Okay, now all I could think about was that I had an appointment at seven, which I wouldn't stop thinking about until that time, I'd be there if anxiety didn't consume me before then.

I was telling myself not to create expectations or let dormant feelings come back, even if it was difficult around him; Benjamim was passionate, but I had to remember that I was in the friend zone, and I couldn't go beyond those limits, I didn't want to; I didn't intend to fall in love again with the same person, in fact, or with anyone else... so far my experiences with love had been a walking disaster and I had caused enough havoc in other areas of my life to cause another one now.

I just needed to stay in the safe zone with him, no love affairs revived, my mental health appreciates it.