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Hospital Visit
Spontaneous abortion.
That's what they were calling what happened to my baby. The mild cramps, the peeing myself, the back pain, all of it was my body telling me that my baby was no longer alive. Or maybe it was telling me to save it. Either way, guilt was the foremost feeling I had. I lay in the hospital bed and stared up at the ceiling with stinging eyes. I had cried so hard when they told me and now I couldn't even cry anymore. I cried myself dry. I should have told James I didn't feel good. I should have just gone to the doctor as soon as I started feeling those minuscule cramps. I thought hard about the last movements I felt from her and hated myself for not knowing. I hated myself for letting her die. James squeezed my hand, but I couldn't even look him in the face. He had cried a little, but he didn't know how bad it was. He didn't know that I probably could have prevented it. I took my hand from his and wiped atBab terkait
Unapologetically Me Coping
When they released me later, I walked slowly, feeling my stomach cramp up as I walked. James wrapped his arm around my waist and walked with me slowly. Marlene had sent one of the other teenagers to the apartment for some extra clothes for me, so I was wearing a pair of James grey sweatpants and a sweatshirt that I had brought with me from school.I couldn't even remember where I had gotten it, but James said I had been clutching it when the EMTs had wheeled me out.I laid in the backseat of Marlene's van with my head in James' lap as she took us home to the apartment. Jordan or Justice had already driven James' car home, so we didn't have to go back.Once at home, Marlene moved around the apartment, trying to find comfortable blankets and other stuff that was still lost in the mess of boxes we had. James helped me lay down in bed and while she flitted around, I pretended to go to sleep so that I didn't have to talk to anyone. It was during the b
Unapologetically Me Aftermath
The days slogged on slowly. After two days of staying home, I was allowed back at school but it was so hard. People looked at me and whispered about me and what happened.My breasts leaked with milk, which surprised the sh*t out of me when I woke up one morning with sore breasts that were hard as rocks. So, I had to wear breast pads at school and had to change them out every so often because my breasts would start leaking randomly. I reeked of milk by the end of my first day back and when I got home, I had to take a long hot shower to make them decompress.James tried his hardest to keep up with my mood swings and I honestly felt so bad for being sh*tty to him, but I couldn't help myself. I would cry randomly for no reason and most times I just wanted to sleep.Chloe would come from time to time and try to keep me company, but it was hard listening to her talk about mindless gossip about Alicia and Dexter and how they broke up again because he was caught c
Unapologetically Me Lily
It was still hard going through day to day sh*t without thinking about her. To help us out, we decided to name her, so that we would stop calling her 'the baby'. We went through a lot of names. It was mentally exhausting, because none of them felt right. And I also knew that I didn't want to remember her by giving her a name I would hate later on.I imagined her looking like James more than myself. I imagined his pale skin and his big, beautiful blue eyes and nothing from me. I just couldn't see it in my mind. And it was only during a trip to the grocery store when we were passing the little bouquets of flowers by the front of the store that I saw a flower that caught my eye.It was a beautiful swan white color with a tinge of pink on the outer parts of the petals. The petals were long and dropped down, showing a beautiful inside. I picked up the bouquet of lilies and showed James. He looked at the flowers and smiled. "They're beautiful." He commented. I
Unapologetically Me To do it...or not do it
It seemed like time just began to fly by after our Valentine's date. Days passed by in school and I was slowly starting to fail, even with James' help because I had missed too much and my mind was on other things. I floated through every class as if I were on autopilot and only absorbed the fact that I couldn't focus on anything. I tried. I tried to sit through my classes and pay attention, but my mind was pulled elsewhere, to different topics in my brain. My baby. My boyfriend. My mom. She was set to be released soon and while I dreaded it, I was also hoping that seeing her as the changed woman she claimed to be would help me regain the person I was before everything started to go to sh*t around me. James, while not outwardly showing how messed up he was by the miscarriage, was struggling with it too. The mindf*ck of knowing we were going to be parents and it all being yanked out from under us was hard to swallow. He did
Unapologetically Me Back to Normal
The rest of the school day went as slow as ever, but when I met him outside in the parking lot, I got those familiar butterflies I used to get when I saw him. He was leaning against the driver's side of his car, staring down at his phone. He was tall and his hair hung in his eyes. He pushed his glasses up slightly as he read and pressed his lips together.He wasn't classicly handsome. If anything, he looked half emo, half nerd, but he had a certain charm about him that drew me to him like a moth to flame. I had lost that for a little bit after the miscarriage, but now that I was resolved on what I was going to do, I felt it come back in full force.I stood in front of him and kicked at his shoe lightly. "You ready?""Yeah, you up for dinner at my mom's?""Sure. What are we having?""F*ck if I know, but it beats the sh*t out of cooking, so I'm all for it."He glanced up at me and his breath hitched as I grinned at him. He put his
Unapologetically Me Stage 5 Clinger
James Things seemed to have shifted after Kelly had agreed to move with me to Massachusetts. The first thing is that the sex was out of this f*cking world wild. It was almost hard to keep up with her sex drive. If she wasn't already on birth control, I would have thought she was trying to get pregnant. It was so much that we had even started f*cking in school. She would text me in the middle of class to meet her in a Janitor's closet or a bathroom and like the sex-crazed hormonal teenager I was, I was right there for it. We f*cked in school, at the grocery store, clothes shopping at the mall, in my car in a parking lot. You name it, we probably already did it there. Another thing that had shifted was her mood. She perked up a lot since we lost Lily, but it wasn't like before. Her smiles were dimmer than they had been before and she laughed a lot less and with less mirth, but I felt like she was trying. She was trying to be
Unapologetically Me Guilt Trip
James "God, Kelly, you're so beautiful. Let me look at you." She held Kelly at an arm's length by her face and looked her over. Kelly's eyes were still leaking tears but she held the realest smile I had seen her don since Lily. It made my heart squeeze and if possible, I even felt a twinge of jealousy that her mother could do that to her and I couldn't. It was irrational and stupid, but here I was, irrationally, stupidly, jealous of Kelly's mother. They talked quietly to each other as I stood there awkwardly behind them and finally, after a few minutes, she glanced at me with a bright smile. "And look at you. Jesus, did you get more handsome or is that I haven't seen a male without a uniform in so long?" "I think it's the latter." I joked with her and she laughed heartily. She took Kelly's hand and nodded towards the door. We walked out of the jail and she squinted against the sun stopped walking on the steps
Unapologetically Me Nuisance
My mom was driving me insane and she has only been home a week. She was doing stuff and saying stuff that put me in a hard place with James and even though I knew it bothered him, he would just grin and bear it. She would nitpick on the different foods we kept in the kitchen. Yes, we had mostly junk food because neither of us cooked, but she didn't either and still complained about not having fresh vegetables or different flavors of pizza rolls and stupid stuff like that. When she wasn't complaining about food, she was walking around the house half-naked in a bra and a pair of shorts, and even though James didn't say anything about it, it was uncomfortable.She had disgusting habits like leaving half-eaten food in the fridge or sticking her hands in the cereal boxes. And she was a complete slob. Even though she hadn't resumed drinking, she left soda cans, water bottles, candy wrappers, and various other sh*t lying around the house like she was too lazy to put it i
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