CHAPTER SIX : LONGING

I opened my eyes to a screaming alarm at five in the morning. I was so relieved to find myself in a place without bars and without the raunchy smell of urine in the air. I took a full fifteen minutes to freshen up after tidying up the nook which now I considered my room. Waking up inside Nick’s house made me feel like being reborn. In a matter of hours I covered almost every part of the house except the master’s bedroom which was locked. I wonder if Nick is already in his room.

With a little amount of energy to spare, I decided I would use it to launder my soiled shirt and jeans which were among the three sets of clothing I owned, but then a small stain on the kitchen wall caught my eye on my way to the laundry room. I ignored the urge to clean it but a little while later, I went back to scrub it off. Many of my inmates had found this habit of mine odd, nobody knew why but cleaning  became my therapy whilst inside the prison. I endured long hours of toiling, volunteering chores for everyone, working until my hands hurt and my body completely worn-out. It was my perfect refuge from the daily brawls, a complete escape from debilitating reality which I had long accepted.

I suddenly remembered that day…

“You’ve been cleaning that everyday,” Fiona remarked while lying on her stomach on the upper bank.

I just nodded and then continued to scrub the toilet seat even if there were no more visible stains left. Fiona sat up and threw a tattered wash cloth at me, I didn’t look at her instead I just continued on what I’m doing.

“Thank you. I heard you were the one who did CPR on me yesterday.” Fiona got down from the bunker at this point and walked up towards me. “Good thing you only got here days ago, if you’ve been here a little longer you probably won’t give a damn.”

“I’ll still do it even if I knew you were a bastard,” I simply answered, still not looking at her.

“Really? How noble.” She stepped closer until she was standing adjacent to me. Without a warning, she forced up some phlegm from her throat and spat into the bowl then threw in the barely-smoked cigarette. “Would you still save me if I told you to pick it up with your bare hand?”

I know my eyes were dull as I stared into the bowl and in a matter of seconds I reached down and picked up the cigarette stick out of the water and said, “Yes, I will.” And there, I looked straight at her eyes.

Fiona was startled, no doubt about that but her smirk hid it quickly. Looking away, she murmured under her breath, “The newcomer just had earned her full immunity.”

Because of my deep thoughts, I hadn't noticed that someone was already standing behind me as my hands were still on the kitchen wall, scrubbing off the dirt. “What are you doing?” I was stunned hearing that voice, the voice that I missed the most.

“No-nothing,” I fumbled.

“I told you not to touch anything!” He was angry and I knew it. I can’t blame him after all the things I had done to him. “You should leave now.”

“But my friend isn’t back yet.”

“Leave,” he said coldly.

“Please-” I can’t hide the fear slowly creeping out on me, just the thought of leaving Nick’s house right now scared the hell out of me.

I can see that he sensed my fear which only agitated him more. “My friends are coming over in a couple of days, so what should I tell them?” He sounds annoyed. I know that he wants me to go away, I can feel that he wants me to get lost, but I just can’t, in time, I’ll be leaving him permanently, just not now.

“Just, just tell them that- that- I’m your temporary housekeeper.”

“Housekeeper? Everyone knows what you are!” His voice was filled with sarcasm.

“Then I’ll stay in the laundry room while they’re here,” I begged, my trembling voice reflecting my sense of desperation. I can’t just leave, just not now. I stared at him, my eyes were begging desperately.

“Don’t dare look at me!” He hissed.

“I’m sorry.” I then bowed my head and stared at the floor.

“I hate those eyes,” he muttered. “I wondered how many people had those eyes deceived.”

“I’m sorry,” is all I can say right now. I had to fight so hard not to cry, I kept on blinking as to refrain my tears from falling.

I heard him sigh with frustration and again I said, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

With resignation, Nick warned me in a repulsive tone, “Just stay away and don’t you dare come near me, and don’t even give me those stares.” He was about to turn his back to me when suddenly he was about to fall but immediately regain his composure. His right hand rubbed his temple as his eyes turned warm and watery.

“Are you alright?” I suddenly asked, sensing something was wrong, I said, “Please sit down, you must be tired.” I attempted to hold his arm but he warded me off. I know that he already warned me earlier not to come near him but I just can’t stare and let him be like that.

“I said stay away! Don’t you dare touch me woman!” Nick yelled at me with full authority. “If you want to stay here, do what I say!” He ended.

I stepped back immediately as I watched him head to the couch, stretching his limbs all the way to the center table and closing his eyes like he was in some kind of stupor. My eyes were kind of moist, hearing him call me ‘woman’ and not by my name pains me the most. It hurts like hell. How can a longing for someone cause so much pain that you’d rather die than feel like you’re not living anymore and yet you’re alive.

“Are you sick?” I still asked, I’m too worried to leave him like that.

He responded by tilting his head back, his eyes still shut. My intuition told me that he was sick and his paleness only added to my suspicion. I calculated whether I should go near him and risk being scolded again or just stay far from him but with one touch I could easily tell his temperature. I waited patiently and when his silence stretched a little too long and it seemed like he already dozed off, I finally decided to make a move. I walked silently towards him, but before I could lay my hand on his forehead, he opened his eyes and stared right into mine.

I was nervous and astonished whether I’d take a step back or continue on what I was about to do.

“I- I’m sorry.”

Nick took the car key from his pocket and tossed it to the center table. “Go get your food in the car.”

The command sounded stiff but it unexpectedly warmed my heart. Keeping myself still, I uttered, “Thank you,” in between breaths.

He turned his eyes to my direction, he stared at me as if he had something to say but instead he slowly shut his eyes again. I quietly walked to the table, picked up the car key with my hands shaking and headed to the door carefully, not making any noise.

And when I went back inside, I saw Nick sleeping soundly, I carefully put the back of my hand on his forehead and I was right, he had a fever. I rushed through the kitchen sink and looked for a clean towel then soaked it in water to put it on his forehead.

As I gently put the towel on his forehead, I stared at him for a moment or two, oh God how I missed staring at him like this. I miss you so much Nick. A tear rolled down through my cheeks suddenly, I gently wiped it and quietly walked towards the kitchen. I decided to cook some soup for him before going back to the laundry room.

The clanking sound and the footsteps echoed all the way to the laundry room. I pressed my ear against the door to listen to his movements. From the gap, I saw his imagery in the faint light sipping broth and taking his medicine afterwards, gulping it down with a glass of water and that made me smile. I saw him rise to his feet  and I thought that he was leaving again but he didn’t touch the car key instead he went straight to his bedroom. I couldn’t see clearly but the sound of the door closing meant that he was staying for the night and the thought that we’re staying on one roof tonight made my heart happy but the longing grows bigger and bigger every second. 

But for now, I’m just happy to be near him again.