CHAPTER FOUR : THE UNFORGOTTEN SMILE

I reread the piece of paper containing a list of things I needed to do on the day of my release. I had all my belongings stuffed into my knapsack including some money that I had earned inside the prison.

“Excited?” suddenly Fiona asked. 

I just smiled at her. Fiona's my inmate and eventually ended up being my best friend. I don't think I can survive the five years of being imprisoned without her. I owed the remaining shreds of my sanity to her.

Fiona pats my shoulder gently and said, “I'll be seeing you outside, soon. Don't miss me too much.”

I laughed a little and rolled my eyes on her. “I'll be waiting for you then.”

And that was our last conversation before stepping into the outside world. And now the time has come and I had to leave, but as soon as I stepped into the outside world I was made aware of the change that had taken place and it kind of made me feel scared.

I was deciding between taking a subway train or a cab but chose the latter. For hours, I had been lingering under a lone street lamp with a lullaby in my head. My eyes adored the empty house which was exceptionally alluring in its stillness, despite the existing darkness inside. It wasn’t long before my soles started to ache and my toes turned sore from the worn-out undersized sneakers I had on. I insisted on trading shoes with Fiona, knowing she had no intention of replacing them. I was about to take off my sneakers for a bit but the engine sound of an approaching vehicle rattled me. My reflex pushed me back into the dark when a car pulled in front of the house, just a few meters across from where I am.

I gasped for breath at the sight of the tall figure alighting from the car. His face bearing the same perfect profile indicated maturity and that made him extremely more attractive than the youthful image of him from my memory. It has been a long five years, five years of dreaming of seeing that face again. Not a day goes by that I haven't missed him. Oh God, I miss him so much that it hurts.

Summoning all my strength, I dragged myself out into the street before he could peek over his shoulder again.

His face turned pale when our eyes met.  I knew right then that he recognized me. He quickly reached for his mobile phone inside his pocket. “What do you want?” he asked as he dialled something on his phone. “I said what do you want?” He waited for me to answer but I kept mum.

I started to cross the street with my knapsack in one hand, my eyes lowering to the ground, completely avoiding his cold stares. “I'm calling the police if you take another step,”  he said. I just kept on walking until I was kneeling only inches away from him with my face looking straight at the ground.

And with that, he made a call. “Hello? I’m reporting a case of harassment. I need some police assistance right now. Please come as soon as possible.” He picked up his suitcases without another word, without glancing at me, he just walked inside his house.

The Police arrived a couple of minutes after his call. I was still kneeling in front of his house when suddenly I was immediately grabbed by my back collar and shoved into the wall. One of the police officers twisted my arms to the back while the other questioned my identity in the form of verbal assault. I just kept my mouth shut. This is not new to me. It’s been a lot worse inside the prison. The other officer hit my leg with a metal club which caused me to drop instantly, kneeling, my whimpers reverberating in the air. I tried hard not to make a sound. It does not hurt, I kept telling myself, for what hurts most is to see how the love of your life looked at you with so much hatred. 

Suddenly I saw him hurriedly went out to the street again and appealed to the police to leave me in his custody. “I'm really sorry, it was just a mere lovers' spat and the phone call I made was out of an unsuppressed rage,” he apologized. It was made in such full remorse as he reiterated my innocence.

“Are you sure?” the police officer asked, “You really know this woman?” I saw him nodding at the police officer.

“I'm really sorry for the trouble.” The police officers could do nothing else but issue a warning and remind us to use all means to settle domestic disputes before turning to them.

“Please settle your issues first before turning into us,” the police officer said before leaving.

There was a deafening silence after the police had left. He picked up my knapsack and threw it on my lap. “Leave,” he simply said and quickly turned around to head back inside his house.

“Can I stay?” I suddenly had the courage to ask before he could close the gate.

“What did you just say?” He stared at me with disbelief.

I swallowed hard and stared directly at his eyes before repeating what I said, “Can I stay?  I- I need a place to stay.”

“And you're actually expecting me to let you stay with me? In the house?” Digging his hands into his pockets while sighing in disbelief. “You've fooled me once, you've messed up my life, and now you have the gall to come and ask if you can stay with me?” He doesn’t hide the sarcasm in his voice, “It's unbelievable how you’d dare show your face to me again. You could’ve at least disappeared in my life forever. What you’ve done is unforgivable.”

Again, I kept mum. It was my fault in the first place. I betrayed him. He was in pain for a very long time. I even heard that he got traumatised. 

“What now? You’ve escaped from the prison?” he asked.

“I’m out on parole,” I answered.

“Five years? Didn’t anyone make an appeal? Oh, I forgot, you could easily work your way out with your deadly charms whenever you want.” He gazed up at the night sky and mockingly said, “You're not the queen of deception for nothing.”

I had the truth at the tip of my tongue but I chose to tell him another lie, “I'm going to stay with a friend. But I have to wait until she comes back from her trip abroad. I need a temporary place to stay until then.”

“Here.” He reached for his wallet, took out some bills and threw it on my face. “Get lost,” he said, “Permanently,” he ended with a smirk on his face.

“Please, only for a few days. I promise, I won't harm you.” I begged while clutching the knapsack to my chest, shivering in tears. “I won't risk losing my freedom again.” Just this once, I wanted to be with him, just this once.

“Why me?”

“I don't trust anyone but you.”

He laughed out loud. “I don't trust anyone too, most- especially you,” he said as he pointed his finger at me.

“Please, just this once,  I promise I will leave as soon as my friend comes back.” I wiped the tears from my cheeks, I haven't even noticed that a tear fell down already.

As the chilling wind began to blow, he walked into his house quietly, leaving the door wide open.

“Lock the gate,” he just said and that made my heart so happy. Just this once, let me be with him. 

I left my sneakers outside the door. I made sure my footsteps didn't create any noise as I stepped inside. “I'm not staying here tonight,” he said coldly from behind, holding a pillow in his hand. He threw it on the couch and continued, “But don’t touch anything.” He reached for the keys on the counter table. Avoiding my eyes all the time while giving out instructions as he prepared to leave.

He walked out the door before I could even utter a word. And here I am, alone again. I wanted to turn on all the lights but I remembered his instructions, don’t touch anything. I spent a few moments studying the details around me even with limited light and I learned that the room still had the same furnishings in the same corners and wall decorations hanging exactly as how I vividly remembered it.

I picked up the pillow from the couch and started to inch my way around the familiar curves and corners, until I was able to find the laundry room at the back of the kitchen. This would be a perfect place to retire for tonight, I thought. The yellow light from the kitchen area seeped into the laundry room which enabled me to move at ease in the dark. I took out a blanket from my knapsack and spread it on the floor, placing the pillow on one end and then I took out an egg sandwich from a paper bag together with bottled water and ate them in a matter of seconds, since it was my first meal of the day.

Lastly, there was something else I needed to see as always before going to sleep. My hand searched the front pocket of my knapsack and found the 4x4 photograph. My eyes instantly lit, I stared at the image of two young lovers sitting on a park bench taken five years ago. I found my smile soon after, for it was in those made-believe moments where I felt just as normal like any other girl.

I placed the photo beside my pillow and lay down, heaving a sigh, I still couldn't believe I had reached this far.

And to that, I fell asleep with a smile on my face.