4. She was my hunger

ANTONIO

Past and present blurred in my mind as phantom fingers of the long ago memories clutched me tight in their grips. As much as I fought the darkness, every time it dragged me down deeper. I didn’t know how much time it took me to wake up from the haze of pain, the only thing that I remembered was Mario holding my hand and sitting beside me. It was the same scene from when I was a kid. And what woke me up was not anything else but her.

As the memory replayed like every time it had in all these years, this time when my younger self looked back over its shoulder, the bloody red footprints weren’t there. No, it was worse. This time Erica was there, unconscious in a pool of blood around her. And it was that nightmare that woke me up. I sat up too fast and without any care, and instantly blinding pain raced down my back. “Easy, there...” i recognised Mario’s voice, and when I turned to look at him, I found his eyes searching my face.

I rubbed a palm down my face and asked, “Where is Erica?” There was an urgency to my question that I tried to hide, but I didn’t think I managed.

“She is okay.” He answered. “Let me call the doctor to check up on you.”

“No. I need to see her. Where is she?” I pushed the blanket off me and slid out of the bed. There was no need to ask what happened and if I had one of those episodes where I couldn’t recognise past from present. If Mario was here and looking at me like I was about to go rabid then it was an answer enough.

The first step I took had my knees buckling and I had to brace my hand on the hospital bed. Mario came to my side and took my other hand as he pushed me back on the bed. I took deep breaths to ward off the stab of pain. Fûck the back of my leg seemed to be on fire. I shook my head when Mario tried to push me to sit down and looked at him. He said, “A shard of glass sliced the back of your calf. And there are two bullet wounds on your back. Sit down.”

“No. I need to see her.” I straightened back and took another step. Even as dark shadows blurred the corners of my vision and my head swam with whatever drûgs they had given me, I wasn’t going to sit back and get my answers from someone else. I wanted to see her with my own eyes and make sure she was okay. There was a fûcking need inside me to appease and this time I didn’t want to fight against it. I wanted to be with her and protect her, I couldn’t be away from her.

The last thing I remembered was the doctors taking her away from me and there was so much blood on her. I knew most of it was from my own gunshot wounds but I knew she was hurt too. Her scream had made my blood run cold, I had thought for a moment that she got shot despite my efforts to protect her which had opened up a chasm inside my chest that made me feel like everything was finished. I clenched my fists at that thought and shrugged off Mario’s persistence to stop me as I got out of the room.

“Tell me which room she is in before I go around opening ever door in this fûcking hospital.”

Mario sighed and said, “It's the first door on the left.”

When I reached her room, my back and leg were screaming in pain as it felt like someone just stabbed me with a hot poker. But once I stepped inside the room, the sight of her marginally lessened my pain as if having her close enough that I could touch her was like pain killer to me. I walked to her, putting my pain at the back burner as my fingers itched to touch her. It was a hunger, she was my hunger that I couldn’t bite back, couldn’t appease.

When I was close enough, I lifted my hand and touched her cheek with the back of my knuckles. A slow breath left me as I felt the warmth of her skin. I settled beside her and watched her, noticing the scratches that were visible and some that were bandaged. Rage burned through me at the thought of her in pain and I wanted to go out and wreck havoc on this city and find the fûcker who did this. But before all of that I wanted her close to me, skin to skin. I held her hand, brushed my thumb on the band-aid at the back of her hand as I brought it to my lips. I kissed her knuckles and breathed her in. She smelled less of daffodils and more of antiseptic, I hated it. I wanted to bundle her up and take her back to my castle, lock her in and never let her get out. Never let anyone see her, if no one sees her she won't get hurt.

Even as my very being pushed me to undress her, see her and touch her, I didn’t cross that line. I didn’t want to trigger something from her past, not when I knew how her mind disappears in that dark hole. She was similar to me in that way, and watching her crying and fighting for freedom in that state makes me hurt more than my own dark memories which meant I couldn't appease my need to inspect every inch of her while she was asleep.

Maybe, Ephraim was right. This was a mistake and I have lost the sight of my plans. But in this moment I didn't care as the emotions I had kept hidden and forced back since I realised they could be used against me rushed back to the forefront. All I cared about was this woman that was lying in a hospital bed, so I decided to wait for her to wake up and leaned down to kiss her forehead.

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A. Gupta

Happy Diwali my dear readers. Wish you and your family health and happiness. (hugs and smiles to you all)