1-The past, one last time

1 year and 1 month later

“I’ve noticed your improvement over these couple of months. And you’ve been saying that you feel ready to stop. Well, I agree with you, you’ve made so much progress. I've spoken to your father, and he said that on your last day of therapy I should get your opinion on how much your feelings has changed about certain people now. Do you mind?” 

I sat up on the whirl chair and placed my arms on the armrest. “Of cause not.”

“And he said that we should have it all on camera because he wants to watch it. Is that okay with you?”

I shrugged. “Why not?”

Lauren set the camera up on the little round table next to her sofa and positioned it properly. I was sitting opposite her. Her office was spacious, and the furniture always looked spotless. Her carpet, not a speck, always looked vacuumed. Her vases and coffee table sparkled, never a speck of dust. Even her fake plants were always shining and looked lively, as if they were watered every morning. The temperature in her room was always cool, never too warm, never too cold. And her? She was like a reporter from TV, always looked neat and put together. 

“Can we start?” She asked me, giving me a smile.

I nodded.

“The first person your father wanted to know how much your feelings have changed towards is your mother, Leticia.”

I smiled, seeing my mother’s beautiful face pop up in my mind. Her perfect blonde and curly hair styled up on the top of her head with perfect twirls hanging on the sides of her face, not a strand out of place. Her deep blue eyes glimmering as she smiled. “She has a beautiful heart. She is very sweet and very gentle. She has been very supportive and understanding towards me through this difficult time. Even at times when it was obvious on the faces of others that they were fed up with me, she was always genuine and supportive. I don’t know what I would do without her. So, yeah… I appreciate her so much. I wouldn’t trade her for the world.”

Lauren smiled. Her smile was very professional, and she never smiled too much or too little. It always looked genuine and organized. Her neatness sometimes dazzled me, even her hair seemed to have a glow to it. I’ve always imagined that if I had to run my finger down her scalp it would squeak! “And your father, Raphael?” Her voice suddenly brought me back to the room.

“He’s my favourite.” I said, a huge grin stealing over my face. “The alpha. He doesn’t only run our business, he runs the entire city. He has so much influence over everyone else, it’s amazing. It’s not only because he is the most affluential business man in this city. It’s because dominance is written all over him. When he walks into a room, you immediately feel the power that he walks in with and I’m not talking about those two big body guards who follow him everywhere.”

I laughed, Lauren joined too. We shared a brief laugh. “When he speaks, he speaks with authority. But underneath all that power and authority, my father is a good man, a family man. He loves his wife and children and wants what’s best for us and our company. I think that’s what I love the most about him. He is selfless.”

“And of cause, your younger sister, Alice?”

Alice had my mom’s curly blonde hair and father’s hazel brown eyes. She preferred black hair, so she dyed her hair black a couple of years ago. She was lucky enough to have my mom’s natural curly hair while I had my dad’s brown straight hair. I’ve always preferred my mom’s blonde hair and that’s why I dyed my hair blonde, but the natural brown colour was already coming up at the roots.

“Alice doesn’t really talk much… about things, I mean…” I wasn’t about to expose Alice. My father had warned me about it. It didn’t matter whether Lauren was my therapist or not, what happens in our house stays there. “She’s mostly on her own painting or practicing music. She doesn’t let anyone too close to her. Although she doesn’t directly say it but I always feel like she has an invisible dome around her, keeping everyone out and I think that's perfectly normal for someone her age.”

“You two are only 2 years apart. She’s 21. Seeing that she’s your only sibling, people would expect you two to be closer. However, the media labels her as the black sheep of the Roseburg family. In family interviews she doesn’t really look as together as you four, why is that?”

Now Lauren was also sounding like the nosy reporters. That was one thing they all seemed to want to know, why Alice doesn’t look as happy as we do.

“I don’t think that she’s the black sheep of our family. She just isolates herself because she wants something way different from that which our company has to offer but she has to be supportive towards the family business, of course. I can understand it. Seeing that I was once a teacher too and my father wasn’t that much happy with it.”

My father wasn’t happy with it at all.

“But now you’re working at your father’s company as a manager of the labour department and helping the empire grow everyday by recruiting the best people. How do you feel about that?”

“Well, you know that I’ve only been working there for a few months now, four months, but with all the help I’m getting from Francis I’m learning every day and yeah, I’m getting better.”

“Speaking of him, your cousin, Francis. How do you feel about him now?”

“Francis is very helpful, he is more like a brother to me. He is actually very different from the person I first met at the village.” I thought for a while and then nodded. “Yeah, I can say today that he is actually an amazing person. He is funny, sarcastic and just has a bright personality.”

“Speaking about the village, well, the man, how do you feel about him now?”

I crossed my leg over the other and leaned my weight on one side of the armrest. I saw Yoké’s face in my head. I saw him smile at me the first time he did. I saw him take my hand and smile as we walked in the dark. I saw him laugh and throw his head back. I saw him go on his knee, touch my tummy and then look up at me and smile.

“Genesis?” Lauren called.

I shrugged away those memories and shifted in my chair. “Like you tell me all the time, I think of him like a dream I once had and woke up from. All the ‘love’, the moments and whatever happened, that was all part of the dream. But in this real world that I’m living in: Yoké doesn’t exist.”

Lauren looked satisfied. Her hard work finally paid off she must be thinking since the very reason of me beginning therapy was to get over the Yoké issue and well… the baby one too.

“Amongst the people your father wanted me to ask you about. He also mentioned… the baby…”

I got up and walked to the window and stood there for a while. I could feel Lauren standing a little distance away from me.

The road was busy, filled with pedestrians and cars that were rushing to be at some place at a certain time. Across the road, parked, I could see my ride waiting. A black SUV.

“The baby… I will never forget. The 9 months I carried her in my womb was enough for our bond to last a life time. As you know, my baby was my only reason to continue living after I was brought back to Duran. But I was not fortunate enough to hold her in my hands even for a second. I still wonder until today, were her eyes hazel brown like mine or were they black like her father’s?” Tears not given permission escaped my eyes, and I wiped them off quickly and then continued with a sturdy voice. “She was the only reason why I agreed to forget about Yoké and everything I knew. She was my only reason to start over. I will never be able to forget about her. I could never. So no, my feelings has not changed, concerning her.”

“I totally understand how you feel, and I don’t suppose your father expects you to just forget about her. Especially that she is your first.”

“I suppose so too.” I crossed my arms and leaned against the window pane.

“Last but definitely not least, your fiancée Nathan.”

I smiled. “Nathan, also my father’s best friend’s son.”

Lauren chuckled.

“I know everyone thinks we are only together because our parents are best friends but it’s more than that. He is my strong bone. He is always there for me. He is so patient with me. He is so blameless and will stop at nothing to make me feel better and be better. I appreciate him in my life. A lot.”

“Have you learnt to love him again like before?”

I looked out of the window, and I could see him in the back seat of my ride reading a newspaper.

“What is love to you, Lauren?” I turned to her. She had the camera in her hands.

“Well, love is a mystery…” She responded. “It’s complex. It’s more of a feeling and not something you can really explain. But if you love someone, you develop a sense of closeness to the person. They become your safe space, your light when everything seems dull.”

I remember feeling that way for Yoké, but I didn’t think that’s how I feel for Nathan. But that’s not what my father would want to hear after 4 months of therapy. Right? 

“I guess I have learnt to love him again.” I told her.

“More than you loved that man?”

I looked into the camera and prepared to lie to my father.

“Yes. More than I loved Yoké.”