Four

Five years earlier

"Bye dad! I love you!" I yelled, waving as the car rolled out of the driveway.

"Bye May!" He yelled back.

I closed the front door and turned, nearly bumping into my gigantic brother. I was tall alright but he was long. We both had my dad's genes to blame for that.

"Why were you yelling? You're going to see him in a few hours." He scowled.

I rolled my eyes. "What's wrong with telling your parents that you love them?"

Matt gave me a disgusted look. "You're so weird."

I ignored him and, standing on the tip of my toes, I gave him a huge kiss on the cheek.

"Urgh! You're so disgusting when you're happy! Leave me alone!" He screamed, running up the stairs.

"You used to love my kisses when you were four!" I yelled up at him.

All I got in response was a slamming of his bedroom door. I laughed and skipped into the kitchen.

"Mommy," I smiled widely at my mom as she stood staring at a recipe book.

"I'm not in the mood for your bright smile today, May. Leave." She waved her hand at me dismissively.

I pouted. "You too? How am I supposed to entertain myself if both you and Matt ignore me?!"

She didn't look up as she flipped the page. "Go to June's."

I sighed dramatically, hopping onto the counter next to her book. "She went to visit her grandparents in England."

"Then call her."

"Mom! Please let me help you! I'll stop smiling, I swear." I begged.

She sighed. "Fine, get me that mixing bowl."

I spent the rest of the afternoon baking and cooking with my mom. We were both hopeless chefs but somehow we managed to create edible food. It was six in the evening and I was munching on a semi-burnt cookie when my dad arrived home.

He looked exhausted so I gave him a huge hug.

"Oh, hey May." He laughed in response.

"Hi dad! How was your day?" I asked.

He smiled but it didn't reach his eyes. "It was tiring."

"Yeah well don't worry about that anymore because Mother and I have created a feast for everyone!" I declared as we walked into the kitchen.

My mom visibly winced when she saw my dad.

"Hey love." She smiled awkwardly.

My dad laughed. "What did you two burn?"

"Everything but that's not why she's being so sweet." I commented, ignoring my mom's pleading looks.

She glared at me before giving my dad a quick smile. "Nothing. We just need to get a new blender because, well, it stopped working."

I laughed, remembering how my mom had somehow destroyed the blender. The once shiny thing was sitting in the garbage as we spoke.

My dad just laughed. "How could it stop working when no one ever uses it?"

Just then, Matt walked in. My mom grabbed the distraction gladly.

"Matt! I was just about to call you down. Quickly set the table please." She smiled innocently.

"Hey dad." Matt greeted as he took the plates out of the cupboard.

"Hello son." Dad replied, slipping into a chair on the dining table.

"Oh yeah. May told me to tell you that Mom broke the blender." Matt said before running out of the kitchen.

"Hey!" I yelled. "I did no such thing!"

My mom was glaring at me and my dad was beside himself with laughter. Let's just say dinner that evening was pretty interesting.

Dessert wasn't as delicious as the main course though. And the main course sucked. ( I still have nightmares about that blackened beef and liquid mashed potatoes).

Matt and I had just placed all the dessert items we had in the fridge onto the table. I was sucking on an icepop (mostly because the rest of the cookies were too burnt to eat) when it happened.

Matt was telling me that icepops are bad for my health.

Dad was laughing as my mom tried to explain herself.

Mom was trying hard not to laugh as she spoke but it was hard not to.

And then there was a knock on the door.

I decided to go and answer it because I couldn't stand hearing my brother's annoying theories anymore.

I opened the door and for the first time of my life, I saw the barrel of a gun. I was too shocked to scream. I was frozen in fear. I doubt I would've screamed even if he told me to.

It was a man I had never seen before: he had short, curly black hair and black eyes. Really dark, black eyes.

"Don't say anything. Just keep your mouth shut and walk." He instructed.

I obeyed.

Almost as soon as I turned around, I  felt the cold tip of the gun at the back of my head. I couldn't breath. I felt my heart beat louder and faster in my chest.

"Good girl. Now, tell your parents that it was nobody: just a prank. Then we'll go upstairs to the safe and you'll get me everything in it." He whispered from behind me.

"Who was it?" Mom asked as the man closed the door behind him.

I couldn't speak. My throat felt dry and my mouth tasted like metal fear. I felt the gun dig into my skull as he swore.

"Talk you little bitch!" He whisper-yelled into my ear.

I jumped, squeezing my eyes in fear. I wanted to scream but I couldn't. If I did, I was certain he would kill me.

"Who was that? May, are you alright?" Mom yelled.

I wanted to cry and run into her arms like I used to as a kid. I wanted her to protect me from the world - this man included. My limbs were shaking despite the warmth in the hallway and I could barely take a step, much less breathe properly.

I tried to say something that would save us all but I couldn't: my voice just wouldn't come out.

"Matt go check on your sister." I heard my dad say.

Suddenly, I snapped out of it. "No!" I screamed.

The man clamped his hand over my mouth as he swore loudly. I heard everyone's chairs scrape the floors and I fought desperately against the man's tight grip to warn them. They had to call the police or we would all die.

"You're going to die today, you little brat!" He spat at me.

Tears poured down my face as alcohol and stale cigarettes filled my nostrils. I gagged, repulsed by his stench.

It was Matt who found us first: his eyes went huge when he did. Then it was Dad, followed by Mom.

I tried to call for my mommy but I couldn't get a sound out.

The man's huge hand was nearly suffocating me but I screamed into it anyway.

"Let her go!" Matt screamed, fury blazing in his eyes.

My dad held him back, maintaining his face of calm despite all of us being in grace danger. "Matt, calm down. Sir, just put down the gun and leave. We won't call the police-"

"Just give me all your cash!" The man spat, pulling me closer to his body.

I crouched into myself, hating every inch of me that was in contact with the filthy man.

"We'll give you everything you want, just let her go," my dad pleaded.

My mom was standing: frozen in fear, staring at me with silent tears rolling down her face. She was mouthing something but I couldn't make out what it was. We weren't religious but there she was, praying to whoever was listening.

"Give me the cash or the bitch gets it!" He screamed.

I felt his anger vibrate out of his body and right into mine. I wanted nothing else but to crawl into a ball and squeeze my eyes shut, willing the situation away like it was all a bad dream.

But I wasn't dreaming. And no matter how hard I tried not to, I saw every detail, every panicked move and every ounce of desperation around me.

Years later, and it wasn't until I stood in front of my favourite author that I realized just how horrific the entire experience was.

I watched my mom suddenly dart for me, a desperate mother ignoring all sense because she wanted to protect me. Her anguished screams cut through the heated tension when my little brother pulled her back.

I stared at her, already forgetting the moment as it passed. My 12-year-old self could not remember the potent anguish on my mother's face without going crazy myself. 

"She'll be ok, mom." Matt was saying, his own wet face set in stone.

"Here: this is all I have." My dad continued, digging into his work pants for his wallet.

The robber tossed me to the ground before greedily grabbing the wallet. Pain exploded in my shoulder as I landed roughly on it. Almost immediately, Matt and Mom reached for me and dragged me further from the crazy man before he could change his mind.

"What is this? Give me more man! I didn't break into this shithole of yours for 20 dollars! Where's the safe?!" He yelled.

Before any of us could react, he shot a bullet right at the ceiling, causing bits of it to rain down on us.

Screamed intermingled with the powdery-tasting air. I couldn't tell who was screaming anymore.

"We don't have a safe. What-"

"Stop lying!" The man roared, training his gun directly in my father's direction.

I begged. I screamed, making incoherent offers that would tempt him to go away.

He didn't hear any of them.

In fact, he did the one thing I begged him not to.

He pulled the trigger.

My heart stopped completely as I watched my favourite person in the world fall to the ground beside me.

It suddenly went silent.

I could suddenly see every detail of his body: the silent scream forever etched onto his lips;  the fear glowing in his pale eyes and his favourite blue shirt with the growing red stain in the middle of his chest.

I didn't register the fact that Matt had gotten up at all until another deafening crack pierced through the silence and another body fell on top of my father's.

I couldn't take it anymore: the strangled scream I had been holding in came out.

I screamed and screamed and screamed until my throat felt at least half the pain I had imbedded in my heart.

And when I finally stopped screaming, my mind had locked up the memory far, far away.