The Voices Inside My Head

Chapter 1: Masks in the darkness

Being a mute used to be simple before all the craziness started. I just can’t talk and that’s who I am. Everyone at school and my parents knew the deal. Yes, I had my fourth assistant teacher, struggling her way next to me, trying to assist me with every thing, every step of the way. I had my Mum, constantly checking on me at home, encouraging me to do homework. I had a pretty good support in Shanghai, considering how people that are different are usually treated like dirt here. Mum was pretty much the best she could be. She had given up on me ever speaking long ago and we had figured every out, so things were normal. I had finally made it to year twelve, or to the American students, senior year, so being a mute in a Shanghai international school, wasn’t really that bad. Things were definitely not perfect but I would give anything to go back to that, like it was before. I heard my first voice that year, right at the beginning of year 12. I didn’t really have any real friends, but I was used to it and before the voices started, I was fine with that. But it all changed when I first heard them. I know what you’re thinking, I am crazy, but hear me out, this is all real and once I explain everything, you will see it is all true. I can hear them, all of them. All of their thoughts inside their minds run right into my head, just like I’m turning on a radio station and it’s flowing into my mind. I can hear their thoughts, feelings and emotions and I have learned some sick and twisted things about the students at my school. The very first voice, I heard said:

Scratch it, scratch it all off until there is nothing left!

I heard this from a girl I knew at school as though she was screaming it at the top of her lungs. I heard it again when I passed her and her mouth had been closed. I followed her around and this is what I found out. I mean, it was Sun Li, she was a girl who had walked passed me a thousand times before. She wasn’t mean to me at all personally, but I did like it when she smiled at me, when I waved to her. I liked her hair, it was straight and jet black just like most of her clothes. I knew she wasn’t an actual friend, because I know how it works, with guys like me, but I thought she was at least a decent human being, boy, was I wrong. I found out quickly that she was alone like me.

So when I started hearing her thoughts, I kind of followed her because I hadn’t figured out how it all worked at the time. She was never one of the super cool kids. In fact, she didn’t seem to have many friends. I guess that’s why I was drawn to her. When some of the year eleven boys passed by her, they wouldn’t say anything, but thought: Watch out for the freak, passing by, avoid eye-contact, don’t say a word, everyone will see. I used to be a little like that, but by the time I got to senior high school, I thought most of the kids were OK with me and I was OK with them. Maybe I was wrong. My first voice was different in a way. I could hear her voice and the people around her. 

She always had her headphones on, Marilyn Manson was the usual choice on the iPod, his moans and growls blocked out everything, the guitars romped on with her marching footsteps. She kept her Twilight novel in hand at all times, and read, whilst walking, sometimes whispering the words to herself in the crowds of students.

Things changed for Sun Li when Alisa approached her in the hallway.

She asked, ‘Hi Sun Li, how are you today? Would you like to come to my party on the weekend?’

She was smiling. Sun Li stared at her white, straight teeth.

She pulled off her headphones and Alisa leaned into kiss her. This had recently become the common greeting at school, but it was a greeting reserved for those who actually had friends.

Sun Li backed off quickly.

Alisa said, ‘Oh I’m so sorry Sun Li. How about we shake?’

Sun Li was bright red, I guess she was trying to act like she didn’t care.

She touched her hand and didn’t know what to say.

Alisa added, ‘You have to come. Don’t worry you don’t have to get wasted. I don’t even drink, but if that’s what you like, I won’t judge you. My parents are really understanding people you know, as you know, my father is the pastor at the Church of Christ, but he won’t be there.’

Sun Li knew about the church of course. Alisa had been putting flyers up all over the school for Bible readings and Church performances all year. She even sang God songs at school assemblies and crammed a prayer in whenever she could, even though the school was meant to be secular. They made exceptions for her, she was hard to say no to. She had this charm about her that made boys follow her around like sheep and girls copy her.

Then, Sun Li was silent and I read her thoughts: This must be some sort of party joke, I’ve been to those parties before, all those boys, trying to get you drunk. There was that horrible party a few months ago. God, I shouldn’t have worn make-up, that was a huge mistake. Timmy tried to kiss me and I just ran off.

Alisa then said, ‘Please come, it’ll be fun!’

Then she turned and walked away, not even noticing me.

Sun Li thought: Well, maybe I will go, she actually seems nice.

She did end up going to the party and I guess that is where it all began, all the craziness. She didn’t seem to have a great time, the basketball team was there and surprise, surprise, they were drinking beer. She made the mistake of wearing make-up too again and went on and on about it in her mind the next Monday at school. She thought about Alisa more after that party. She often thought: I wish I was as beautiful as her, god, that smile.

I guess that’s why she did it, I couldn’t stop her. I was too late.

Sun Li seemed to become friends with Alisa. I saw them in the hallways together, Alisa doing most of the talking, usually preaching her version of the bible. Sun Li would just nod her head and stare at her face. She rarely heard a word Alisa said.

But I quickly learned, I didn’t need to follow her around to hear her thoughts. Just like a radio station, I was tuned into her frequency, so I could switch her on and listen any time. She was a different person at night, kind of creepy to say the least. She kept repeating the words: Scratch it! Scratch it off until there’s nothing left. I didn’t know what it meant at the time, but I found out soon enough. She became a little obsessed with Alisa. Before sleeping she would go over and over about her smile and think to herself: She’s so beautiful, she has everything and I have nothing.

I started to worry, because she was just acting like nothing was wrong at school. I had both of them in my English and math class, I guess I was meant to hear them, but it didn’t matter in the end, I’m just a weird kid that can’t talk after all, what difference can I make?

Alisa’s went on, all the time, saying, ‘You need to ask for God’s forgiveness for what you have done, let him into your heart and his love will guide you through your pain.’

So I guess you could see where things were going. Alisa was trying to save her from her sins I guess. That didn’t work out well.

On that Tuesday, Sun Li was really into vampires. She thought: I’m going to suck all the blood out of you Alisa and then you won’t be so beautiful, will you, all that life will be mine and you will have no reason for living, just like me. So that’s when I knew things were serious.

She had no interest in most school subjects but was a natural actress. She often read Shakespeare and quoted Romeo and Juliet in her head. Her drama teacher, Mrs. Zhang, was basically the only reason she went to school.

Now for obvious reasons, I am not in the drama class, but I managed to get a free period during Sun Li’s drama class to make sure everything was ok. I was worried about her at first and thought maybe I could do something about it. I was given special permission to sit at the back of their drama class to study. Mrs. Zhang had always been nice to me and had no reason to question my reasons or think that I was secretly listening in.

It was the masks that changed everything for Sun Li.

When she brought in those masks, she changed Sun Li’s life forever. I can see now how this single day, put her on the road to her sick and twisted ways.

She said, handing out those rubber masks, ‘Now we’re starting a unit on the Commedia dell' Arte.’

Sun Li put one on of the masks and Mrs. Zhang said, ‘Oh Sarah, if you were in the 16th century you would be allowed to wear that mask, The Gnaga: a female disguise for men only.’

Sun Li spent a lot of time staring at the mask. She fingered the holes and smiled. She was even allowed to take that Gnaga mask home. That only made things worse. Soon after Sun Li ordered more masks online and even wore them to sleep. I only know this because she would think: Ah, this mask feels so beautiful as she drifted off to sleep.

Sun Li helped Alisa with her math, science and especially English homework. In fact, she had been pretty much doing it all for her, which was hardly fair. On the following Monday, Alisa told her, ‘I know God has a plan for you too.’

She couldn’t reply. She just nodded, staring at her hair flow in the wind.

I could hear her think: Is she just using all this religious stuff to brainwash? I guess god made her beautiful and forgot all about me.

One day, half way through English, Sun Li took her Twilight book out of the class. I focused and followed her thoughts as she left. She thought: God, I need to go so bad, I’m not going to the toilet on this floor, everyone will be stinked-out. How about the bathrooms upstairs. Oh the top floor, this is nice up here. There are only three classrooms up here. Oh great there is a toilet and its nice a quiet. Oh cool the lights don’t work up here, no problem. I might just read a little, where’s my lighter? What’s that big hole? Gee someone must have got real mad taking a dump. Hmmm, I might put on that mask again, yeah that feels good. I’m beautiful again. I might just stay here a while.

She went on and on: Scratch it off! Scratch it off until there’s nothing left!

Shouting loudly in her head. It was so loud I covered my ears and I even jumped up from my seat. That didn’t sound like her anymore! I was so confused. She needed help, I needed to help her, I thought she was sick. I thought about writing a letter to her parents or her teacher but foolishly decided to keep an eye on her a little longer, that was another big mistake.

In Math, Alisa was helping her again, doing all the talking as usual. Sun Li would often look up at her and watch her mouth moving up and down.  

She asked Alisa, ‘Hey do you know about the toilets on the top floor?’

Alisa replied, ‘No, what about them?’

‘I heard the lights don’t work and if you go in there and say, gnaga, gnaga, gnaga three times, this freaky ghost will appear and cut you pieces.’

Alisa laughed, ‘Oh that’s ridiculous, I pray every night to keep evil spirits from this school. I’m sure God is looking after us here.’

Seeing as Alisa knew about the Gnaga story, it wasn’t long until everyone else did too.

The story spread around the school quickly and became quite popular among the young year seven and eight girls.

It was all really strange and creepy. It was like Sun Li was enjoying it. She planned it all. She would take the Gnaga mask and lighter up to the top floor toilets and wait in the sweet darkness. She locked the door tight and smiled wickedly and now I see that it was a role she would never shake off.

The first kid she scratched was that poor little seventh grader.

She had heard the rumor and she knew exactly what to do.

She whispered, ‘Gnaga, Gnaga, gnaga.’

Sun Li flicked on her lighter. She glanced through the whole in the wall, seeing the mask in full.

She yelped, sounding like a wounded puppy. Then she ran. It was a great first performance. I wanted to believe at first that she was acting, but as it got worse, I realised it was really her, just being herself.    

She missed a lot of classes after that. She was becoming a nightmare and she loved it.  Some boys tried their luck and when she would peer through that hole in the wall, with the flame of the lighter, revealing the terror. They ran out of there too.

A few weeks later, Sun Li bought some gloves to match her mask. I heard her think: Ah, these feel smooth on my cold frail hands, I must sharpen the claws to look more like a tiger or a panther.

I heard the other kids talking about a kid who got cut in the cubicle. I know it was her because she kept going on about: Her sweet scream and the warmth of her blood, ah so sweet.

It was like she was becoming a witch.

One time a kid peered into the cubicle and got cut. Sun Li managed to scratch his ear pretty deeply. That kid didn’t go to the top floor again and he told all his friends about it too. He was feeding the giant and the giant was fed a thousand times over and Gnaga was the new word. However, during all this Alisa went on helping Sun Li with her math and science and took her to a few parties too.

One morning, things got complicated. Alisa invited her over for, “Milk and Cookies,” in the middle of Drama class and she looked red all of a sudden. She kept thinking, Oh my god, she’s so sweet, Oh my god, why is she so beautiful. I guess that afternoon something happened between them, but I wasn’t going to listen to her thoughts then. No, I thought maybe they would hook up or something, so I focused on something else and managed to block out her thoughts for the night.

The next day at school, she was still red faced. She had her headphones booming again and was acting like a rockstar. Drama class rolled around and I was there in the back like a shadow, hoping that nothing disastrous would happen.

Alisa and Sun Li were siting next to each other and I heard Alisa ask, ‘Hey, what’s up? Are you sick?’

She said to her, ‘Hey, I really want you to teach me about Jesus, you know.’

Alisa looked pleased, ‘Of course, you let me know, whenever you are ready and I’ll tell you everything I know.’

‘Well, I’m really embarrassed about it so I want to do it in private. Can you meet me in the top floor toilets after school?’

She looked proud and said, ‘I’ll be there with bible in hand. I’m so glad you’ve finally come around.’

They hugged and then the bell went and Alisa left. I followed Sun Li upstairs as she crept into the dark bathroom on the third floor. I found a good spot in the corner and stood there, breathing as softly as I could. I heard her slide on her mask and gloves but I was too terrified to do anything.

Minutes later I heard footsteps. She yelled, ‘Is that you Alisa?’

She called out, ‘Yeah, I’m here.’

Sun Li replied, ‘We are going to have to do this in the dark, can you come a sit on the toilet next to mine.’

She said, ‘OK, anything for you Sarah. Don’t worry I know most of the New Testament off by heart.’

I heard her walk in, close the door and sit down.

She said, ‘Now you know Jesus loves you right?’

She flicked the lighter on and she peered in to my cubicle. Her face would never be the same again. That perfect, face would be gone forever.

She dropped the lighter and the voice came back. She screamed, ‘Scratch it off until there’s nothing left! Scratch off her perfect face, so you never have to look at it again!’

She sounded like a vampire when she hissed, ‘There is no such thing as Jesus’. I could see the light of the flame Sun Li grabbing her head. She pulled half of her into the cubicle and went wild, like a hungry tiger, slashing and clawing at her face and arms.

She screamed and when she could cried, ‘Stop it, please’

But Sun Li wasn’t listening. She had a plan and nothing was going to stop her. I could smell the blood.

Soon after she managed to break free. She tumbled over and hit her head on the toilet wall. There were scrambling footsteps and then the light off the outside door. Sun Li was left panting, I’m sure she was smiling under that horrible Gnaga mask with blood all over her.

She kept repeating in her head:

Scratch it off! Scratch it off until there’s nothing left! Scratch off her perfect face, so you never have to look at it again!

I couldn’t do anything, I just stood there for a while until finally I ran out of there.

I heard her think: Oh wonderful, I think someone was watching, they’ll be sure to tell everyone and then they’ll all know the truth!

So Sun Li was the first voice I heard. I could soon hear the thoughts of Alisa too and along with that came her worried boyfriend and her parents and then things spiraled a little out of control. But after that day, I knew I couldn’t just stand by and let these things happen. I could hear the thoughts and feelings of anyone I wanted, so there had to be a reason. Though, things did get a lot worse before they got better. It was the voices I heard from the other students in the school that made things so much worse. I mean, I thought Sun Li putting on that mask and scratching kids faces was bad at first but that was nothing compared to the things I saw and heard in the voices that followed.