6 - Stay Or Go

~Aurora’s Point of View~

I rub my fingers over the soft material of Javed’s shirt. I begged him for it, feeling like he was saying good-bye. I’m not so naive as to believe this is easy for him. Whatever I’m feeling, what I think… I more than know it's a million times worse for him. Though seeing his perfect body without a shirt on nearly had me panting like a dog in heat. I had never even really looked at a male with desire before but now… No other could ever possibly measure up. Nowhere close to it.

He’s more than a man, it’s a perfectly sculpted god who could have any female he wants. Living or otherwise. He doesn’t have insanely defined muscles necessarily like some shifters but he’s toned and clearly was strong even as a human.

His final words are on a constant repeat in my head, and have been all night since he brought me home. The fact that he’s not a wolf should be making me panic, making me question everything about the goddess and her decisions. But… It just isn’t.

“I will wait for you, my love. But please know that if you can’t, I won’t be angry. You’re a teenager with hormones and urges. I trust your judgment, as much as it pains me to think of any other touching you. Know that I will be patient, and wait. As long as your wolf needs me to.”

My fingertips then rub over my mouth, where his lips touched just before he disappeared. It was the lightest kiss probably on record, like a feather dancing over my lips. But it was real, and my first kiss. 

But his tone, it sounded an awful lot like good-bye to me. Will it take me jumping off a cliff again for him to show himself? No, I can’t risk that.

I sigh and roll over toward the only window in my room to see that the sun is up. I haven’t slept, how could I?

Where does he sleep during the day? Surely not in that cave. He probably made somewhere dark in his house. Our house?

There was no mention of where it even was, and surely there’s no way I could find it again on my own.

KNOCK KNOCK

“It’s me Rory,” I hear, and pinch my eyes shut. Matthew. 

I roll off the bed and stuff the shirt under my mattress. I quickly grab a hair tie and pile my hair into a ponytail. When I finally open the door, I have no clue how I look. I cried on and off for hours. Knowing that I got merely a glimpse at my mate and that may very well be all I get for years to come. It’s just not fair.

“Goddess, you look terrible and what--” he says, stepping into my space. He sniffs me, hard and I’m sure my face shows nothing but guilt.

“No…” he trails off, looking around my room as if he’ll see someone. 

There’s zero point in trying to deny it, his wolf knows. I hate lying to him in any fashion, he’s never been anything but good to me and he didn’t even freak out when I got my period a few months ago and he had to be the one to help me. It could have been insanely embarrassing but he made it okay.

“He’s not here, and he didn’t hurt me. He actually helped me when I really needed it. I’d never invite him into the packhouse and I’m sure he wouldn’t want to come in here anyhow. His kind probably hates our smell too. Though I guess he’ll make an exception for me,” I state.

Neither Matthew nor I ever wanted to move into the small two bedroom cabin that should have been our new home. We gave it away and opted to stay in the main house. I think we both just didn’t want to be alone, we wanted others close. There’s never a day he’s not nearby, checking on me. Always making sure I have what I need. But it feels robotic, like I’m an obligation.

When I look at him, the guilt over what I nearly did last night fully hits me like a blast of hot air. I didn’t even remotely take his feelings into account when I nearly killed myself. I just know it would have wrecked him. He still hasn’t taken a mate, though he’s had a couple offers. Last year he did briefly date a female visiting from another pack but it didn’t work out. Maybe seeing the sadness in his eyes every time he looks at me did contribute to my decision to go to the cliff last night.

He grabs my shoulders and pushes me, forcing me to back up until I hit the bed and fall onto it. He looms over me and rubs his beard.

“We have to tell the Alpha. This isn’t how things are done and there’s no way he doesn’t know the rules,” he says, fuming.

A tear escapes my eye and falls.

“You knew all this time what really happened to me down in that cave? What it meant? Don’t you realize I’ve spent two years thinking I’m crazy? Paranoid to go out at night, terrified of the dark,” I whisper, my lip trembling. 

He briefly covers his face with his hands and sighs. He sits next to me and takes my hands.

“Honey, none of us and I mean none of us… But especially me, wanted to believe it. But I smelled your blood in the air that night, my wolf did. You’d been cut somehow. He told me there was no chance in hell that the vampire trying to get out wasn’t your mate. It made me sick. I want so much better for you,” he whispers, his eyes full of anguish. Full of hurt.

We sit in silence, and I have no idea what to say. I want to defend Javed, though I know so little about him. What I know so far seems honorable. At least, he is trying to be so.

“Elena insisted we send you away, somewhere he couldn’t get to you. But the thought made me sick. Whatever the reason that brought you here, you’re here. You’re under my care and you’re the little sister I always wanted. Maybe it was selfish of me to keep you here, but the reality is… If you are his mate, he’ll stop at nothing to find you,” he continues.

“Don’t I get a say? Shouldn’t you have at least asked me what I wanted,” I question.

The look on his face is obvious: no. I’m a dumb, stupid child who isn’t capable of making such a huge decision. I would have tried to get to the vampire. And he’s not wrong. I know in my bones I would have done whatever I could to find the one person that’s meant for me. That will complete me.

When he scoffs and makes a face I wait for the lecture.

“You reek of him, I can’t handle it. Please get a shower and burn that dress. If the rest of the pack could smell you right now I don’t know what they’d think,” he says, pulling away and standing.

I lift my arms as if it's my armpits that smell. Huh, I think I smell pretty damn good. There’s no way in hell I’m burning this dress. Clearly not going to tell him that though, certainly not at this moment. 

He doesn’t move, and it's obvious he’s waiting for me to act. My stomach growls and I put my hand over it, annoyed that I will in fact have to leave my room.

“Alpha Killian wants to meet with us. I didn’t know why but I’m guessing now it's about this. He’ll be here for dinner. I more than suggest you wash twice,” he says, as his eyes turn to something I’m not sure I’ve seen before.

Pity. 

It pushes me to my feet. For two years now I’ve felt like a charity case, and now that I know what fate awaits me, a strong male with means who can give me a good life with real love, pity is the last thing I want. 

I mean the world to someone. Even if it’s far from an ideal situation, even if it goes against everything it means to be a were-shifter. I have to believe it’s what the Goddess wants for me, and how can that be wrong?

By the time night falls I’ve been dressed in a too formal black dress and Elena even braided my hair with a hideous bow. The Alpha has only been out here twice since I came and both times I only spoke to him briefly. He’s a large and intimidating male. His mate also clings to him as if someone would dare try and steal him away. She’s a beautiful female but her desperation to make sure everyone knows she’s the Luna is super annoying. 

I spy her from across the yard, and her extremely pregnant belly that she’s going overboard to stick out for all to see. Everyone knows she’s giving her mate twins and I think she’s actually due soon.

“Aurora,” I hear, breaking me from my trance.

The voice sends a tingle down my spine and I immediately turn, giving a small bow before making eye contact with the Alpha. A smile lights up his otherwise intimidating face.

“May I speak with you a moment,” he asks, flicking his head toward the woods. Matthew suddenly appears out of thin air. I nearly tell him I’m okay without him, but the Alpha does it before I can.

“We’ll just be a minute,” he says, and he puts his hand on my back between my shoulders and leads me away from the house. We walk for several minutes, perhaps until he’s satisfied we’re actually alone. Though it’s only more dark this far into the woods and I can’t see so well.

“I can only assume the vampire came to you last night. Were you in trouble? Did something happen,” he asks.

I look down, ashamed. All I want to do is not be a burden, not be in the way and yet even trying to kill myself just made more problems.

“You can tell me sweetheart, please,” he insists. 

One look at him and I lose it. Tears well in my eyes and I sob. Before I know it, we’re both sitting up against a big tree and I’m in his arms, telling him everything. I’d never shared more than a couple words with the male but he’s actually very easy to talk to.

I unload about all the guilt I carry, how I’m so lost. I don’t have a purpose or any direction on anything. While I know how to cook and do laundry, all the things females in a pack are mostly taught, none of it interests me. Most of the females find joy in it, making a contribution. But it only makes me feel like I need to earn my keep. If I truly felt like this were my pack, I’d feel differently.

He rubs my back and listens. He’s not judgmental, he doesn’t talk to me like I’m a dumb pup as I expected. I feel almost like he’s talking to me the way Matthew wishes he could, but is always so unsure what to say around me.

“I know the vampire will come back to me, our conversation wasn’t finished. But I wanted to talk to you before I made a decision. While I know you’re young, I appreciate that this is still your life. Of course the last thing I want is for him to take you, or for you to think running away is the best option. Tell me, in a perfect world, what do you want, Aurora,” he asks.

His big hand rubs my back and it calms me. I blink several times, until he perfectly comes into view. His eyes are gray, but maybe it’s just because it’s so dark out here. He really is a handsome male, though now that I’ve seen my mate I can’t allow myself to think that.

“I want what I know I can’t yet have. Obviously I’d want to spend every moment with him but I know that’ll only be impossible for him. He told me he’d wait for me but understands if I can’t. I don’t know how I could even look at another. But everyone knows now don’t they? Everyone will just be afraid of me. If they anger me, say the wrong thing. A dead guy will rise from the shadows and slash their throat,” I say, as a sob takes over me. 

Maybe I’m being dramatic, but I don’t think so. While Javed was nothing but gentle with me, I know what has to lurk beneath his surface.

He continues to gently rub circles on my back, and I can’t deny it’s relaxing. A visual of my father pops into my head and I can only imagine what he’d think of my mate. My parents were good people, until they just disappeared.

“There is a sister pack to ours, on the other side of the continent. Two time zones back. They only currently have two slumbering and they’re both female, not due to wake for many decades. Why don’t I send you there for a bit? Give you a fresh start. We’ll say that losing your sister has been too painful and you wanted to go somewhere new. I could visit you in say a year and see where things stand,” he offers. 

I stare off into space, unsure. The thought of leaving makes me nearly sick, but I also know Javed could likely find me anywhere. If I really needed him. Honestly I don’t know if I’ll make it here. I begin to tell him yes, that I think it’s a good idea when I wonder if I should insist on saying good-bye. 

“Tell you what. I’m staying the night, give me your answer in the morning. I won’t tell a soul what we discussed. I’ve instructed my guardians that if he comes back and asks to see me tonight, to tell him I came to see you and he should return tomorrow. It’s important to me that this be your decision Aurora. I won’t lose you on my watch and I won’t allow him to take advantage of you or risk him mating you early,” he says, using his thumb to wipe away a tear on my cheek.

My body heats at the idea of seeing Javed, seeing those eyes, his body. But I already know what is nearly impossible to admit: I will want him. He will want me. There’s no way around it.

“I’ll go, the sooner the better,” I say, and nod before I can change my mind.