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The One He Never Claimed. 31.
"How are you feeling? About everything." I let myself really reflect on the question. I mean I've certainly had better days but I'm also doing about a thousand times better than I was a few weeks ago. I was a literal mess and it's hard to believe where I am now. I'm not necessarily great but I'm definitely in a good space, in a better space. I don't say all that to him though. I instead say,"You do know I'm the adult here right?"He's 8, what does he know about depth?"Oh c'mon Lex, you never let me ask stuff. How am I supposed to be like you if you don't teach me?" He asks the question I've now heard too many times with a frown. I've begged him to please not end up like me, I'm yet to give him a reason. Putting it in simpler terms would be that I'm the last person anyone should ever look up to. I have no sense of direction whatsoever, but I'm not going to tell him that."You're too young to ask these questions Josh, I tell you this all the time," I say to him. Truthfully he's quit
The One He Never Claimed. 32.
"Hi mom. Third time this week, you're probably already tired of me." I say then chuckle lightly. I've gone from visiting only once a year to a few times a week. This is of course something I hadn't been able to do before but since I'm finally coming face to face with my demons, I feel that it's necessary. For my healing."I started seeing someone."About a week ago I decided to put myself out there again."Relax, a therapist." I release another chuckle. After a while of contemplating, I'd decided to go down this path. I don't think that I'm still crazily affected by the things I'd been through like I was a few years ago, at least not so bad that I need therapy. But I'd decided to seek that just to have someone who doesn't really know me to talk to. For a fresh perspective."My sessions are only once every three months. She said that I don't need frequent visits." I smile when I say that. I'd been shocked at first of course because if there was anyone who needed therapy, it was me.
The One He Never Claimed. 33.
"Hey, you're not allowed to peek!""But...""Josh!""Fine..."He responds in surrender then lets me put the palm of my hands back on his eyes.He's even worse than me at surprises."Are we there yet?""Almost. Just a few more steps... And - you can open your eyes now!"He conforms and then,"Uh... I don't get it.""Open the box," I say to him in a duh tone but I'm not surprised when he then says,"But what was the point of closing my eyes if it's in a box?"Josh has a smart mouth that I still try really hard not to slap."Ok I guess that was a little dramatic but open the box Josh jeez," I say to him annoyingly but also excitedly. I can't wait to see his face when he sees it.He then doesn't waste any more time before opening the box and then,"You're kidding me!""Nope.""Alex, is this a prank?""Ooh, that would've been a great one hey? But no it's not."I say then laugh when he jumps up and down holding the red piece of paper."My friend is one of the players for the eagles and he p
The One He Never Claimed. 34.
This is the first time I'm seeing Josh cry since well - ever. They've got his face on the big screen with the words, 'Hi Josh, this game is dedicated to you.' and it's left on there throughout the game.I might have told Ezra Josh's story.In all honesty, it was in effort to motivate him to get us the tickets but never in a million years would I have ever thought he would do something like this.I hold on to Josh so tight as he sobs on my shoulder silently and I try really hard to keep my own sobs at bay. I need to be strong for the both of us.It's not at all hard to explain, this is an 8-year-old boy who not too long ago lost everything, literally. He became an orphan and lost his arm all in one night, but never have I seen him shed a tear at his tragedy, not once.That easily makes him the strongest person that I know.So finally seeing him balling his eyes out for seeing a picture of himself on a screen in the middle of the field at his favorite football club's game, and having th
The One He Never Claimed. 35.
"Dad stop it. You're making me cry."I say wiping the next tear that falls on my cheek."I just want to say sweetheart, that it took a really long time. It took us years before we could finally land where we are. And it's the best place we've ever been in a very long time."It's the best place we've been since mom's death. It's like we were just lost souls trying to find ourselves in a world we never imagined to live without mom in it and we were just winging it.For years.But now?"Ok ok dad! Which one are you gonna go with?" I ask looking at the breathtaking pieces of silver and gold bands."I don't know Hunny, when I proposed to your mom I didn't have a lot of money so I didn't have to go through this. I just went for the cheapest ring I could find." He says earning laughs from the jeweler and myself.It sounds unromantic but I know what was on dad's mind was the prospect of spending the rest of his life with the woman he was madly in love with. Nothing else mattered in that momen
The One He Never Claimed. 36.
I haven't seen Ezra since the game about a month ago, he'd been blowing up my phone but I made it clear I want nothing to do with him. I'd tried building a friendship with him but I can't be friends with people who take me for granted.I certainly didn't invite him to come and spend Thanksgiving with us and I almost ask who invited him but,"Honey, I hope you don't mind that I invited Ezra." This man is clearly wanting to drive me crazy. Of course I mind.Ezra has been nothing but a distraction throughout my life and I don't need that, not anymore at least. I need to rid myself of him and his toxic energy.I know dad knows I'm not cool with him anymore because he hasn't come to visit in a while, also I act deaf whenever he starts asking about him. So clearly he's trying to fish something by not only inviting him, but Cody too. "Hi Cody,"I decide to only acknowledge the other boy. He's usually quiet when he's irritated, I'd learned it was to keep his anger at bay, so as to not do
The One He Never Claimed. 37.
"Let's see. There was Leo, Martin, Dean, and LorenzoI went out with Lorenzo two times though, he was good company. Oh and Dean was cute, he got me a bracelet that I gave to Josh to give to his crush at school.I still don't know how you'd feel about my telling you all this"It's still very weird but I like to imagine this being the relationship I would've had with her if she was still alive. A relationship where I can tell her anything and everything, including who I've slept with.She would cringe but still appreciate my openness."Oh and then there was Grant. He was a little bit, maybe a lot older than me but he really took care of me, for that week at least."That was before I found out he was married with two kids, I'm not going to tell mom that."I'm slowing down a bit now. It was fun."It really was. For the past four years, I've not been 'falling in love' with other people but myself.I'd realized that beyond the two people I was with, I had no other experiences of dating wha
The One He Never Claimed. 38.
"He was going through stuff Alex, he's done nothing but try to prove himself since.""I'm sorry, we're talking about the same guy whose actions had us not speaking to each other for two years right?"It's beyond me how she's still on his side after what he did."Alex, he made a mistake. Ok maybe a few but who hasn't? You can never question the fact that this man loves you."I mean I've never questioned it, but love is simply not enough now is it?"I don't know if I'll ever look at him the same again."Yes it's been years, but even though the heart forgives, the mind doesn't forget."You'll never truly know unless you give him another chance."For the umpteenth time, I decide to shrug her comments away. Liz doesn't understand. It's easy to tell someone to forgive and forget but it's different when you're the one having to forgive.Because of this man, I have walls up so high that people can hardly climb them. Because of this man, I have trust issues.So no, it won't be that easy.And y
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The One He Never Claimed. 39.
"What did I do now?"We do this thing where we joke around with each other, this is to ignore the tension that still exists with us.We walk around acting like everything's cool and I guess it is, to an extent but there's clearly stuff that was left unsaid with us. For way too long.That is why,"I just wanted us to talk - to clear the air."If I'm serious then we won't waste time joking around.I want to do more than just 'clear the air'. It's been years and we still haven't really talked about what happened.He takes a seat across from me and then,"Yeah sure."His tone gets a bit serious and that allows me to continue."Where's Bruno?"I don't see him around anymore, for years actually. I know they'd remained friends after we broke up, for a while. I'm not sure what happened with them but clearly something did happen because wherever there was Ezra, Bruno was somewhere around. Never one without the other."I don't know."He says simply.His face is void of emotion, like that was n
The One He Never Claimed. 38.
"He was going through stuff Alex, he's done nothing but try to prove himself since.""I'm sorry, we're talking about the same guy whose actions had us not speaking to each other for two years right?"It's beyond me how she's still on his side after what he did."Alex, he made a mistake. Ok maybe a few but who hasn't? You can never question the fact that this man loves you."I mean I've never questioned it, but love is simply not enough now is it?"I don't know if I'll ever look at him the same again."Yes it's been years, but even though the heart forgives, the mind doesn't forget."You'll never truly know unless you give him another chance."For the umpteenth time, I decide to shrug her comments away. Liz doesn't understand. It's easy to tell someone to forgive and forget but it's different when you're the one having to forgive.Because of this man, I have walls up so high that people can hardly climb them. Because of this man, I have trust issues.So no, it won't be that easy.And y
The One He Never Claimed. 37.
"Let's see. There was Leo, Martin, Dean, and LorenzoI went out with Lorenzo two times though, he was good company. Oh and Dean was cute, he got me a bracelet that I gave to Josh to give to his crush at school.I still don't know how you'd feel about my telling you all this"It's still very weird but I like to imagine this being the relationship I would've had with her if she was still alive. A relationship where I can tell her anything and everything, including who I've slept with.She would cringe but still appreciate my openness."Oh and then there was Grant. He was a little bit, maybe a lot older than me but he really took care of me, for that week at least."That was before I found out he was married with two kids, I'm not going to tell mom that."I'm slowing down a bit now. It was fun."It really was. For the past four years, I've not been 'falling in love' with other people but myself.I'd realized that beyond the two people I was with, I had no other experiences of dating wha
The One He Never Claimed. 36.
I haven't seen Ezra since the game about a month ago, he'd been blowing up my phone but I made it clear I want nothing to do with him. I'd tried building a friendship with him but I can't be friends with people who take me for granted.I certainly didn't invite him to come and spend Thanksgiving with us and I almost ask who invited him but,"Honey, I hope you don't mind that I invited Ezra." This man is clearly wanting to drive me crazy. Of course I mind.Ezra has been nothing but a distraction throughout my life and I don't need that, not anymore at least. I need to rid myself of him and his toxic energy.I know dad knows I'm not cool with him anymore because he hasn't come to visit in a while, also I act deaf whenever he starts asking about him. So clearly he's trying to fish something by not only inviting him, but Cody too. "Hi Cody,"I decide to only acknowledge the other boy. He's usually quiet when he's irritated, I'd learned it was to keep his anger at bay, so as to not do
The One He Never Claimed. 35.
"Dad stop it. You're making me cry."I say wiping the next tear that falls on my cheek."I just want to say sweetheart, that it took a really long time. It took us years before we could finally land where we are. And it's the best place we've ever been in a very long time."It's the best place we've been since mom's death. It's like we were just lost souls trying to find ourselves in a world we never imagined to live without mom in it and we were just winging it.For years.But now?"Ok ok dad! Which one are you gonna go with?" I ask looking at the breathtaking pieces of silver and gold bands."I don't know Hunny, when I proposed to your mom I didn't have a lot of money so I didn't have to go through this. I just went for the cheapest ring I could find." He says earning laughs from the jeweler and myself.It sounds unromantic but I know what was on dad's mind was the prospect of spending the rest of his life with the woman he was madly in love with. Nothing else mattered in that momen
The One He Never Claimed. 34.
This is the first time I'm seeing Josh cry since well - ever. They've got his face on the big screen with the words, 'Hi Josh, this game is dedicated to you.' and it's left on there throughout the game.I might have told Ezra Josh's story.In all honesty, it was in effort to motivate him to get us the tickets but never in a million years would I have ever thought he would do something like this.I hold on to Josh so tight as he sobs on my shoulder silently and I try really hard to keep my own sobs at bay. I need to be strong for the both of us.It's not at all hard to explain, this is an 8-year-old boy who not too long ago lost everything, literally. He became an orphan and lost his arm all in one night, but never have I seen him shed a tear at his tragedy, not once.That easily makes him the strongest person that I know.So finally seeing him balling his eyes out for seeing a picture of himself on a screen in the middle of the field at his favorite football club's game, and having th
The One He Never Claimed. 33.
"Hey, you're not allowed to peek!""But...""Josh!""Fine..."He responds in surrender then lets me put the palm of my hands back on his eyes.He's even worse than me at surprises."Are we there yet?""Almost. Just a few more steps... And - you can open your eyes now!"He conforms and then,"Uh... I don't get it.""Open the box," I say to him in a duh tone but I'm not surprised when he then says,"But what was the point of closing my eyes if it's in a box?"Josh has a smart mouth that I still try really hard not to slap."Ok I guess that was a little dramatic but open the box Josh jeez," I say to him annoyingly but also excitedly. I can't wait to see his face when he sees it.He then doesn't waste any more time before opening the box and then,"You're kidding me!""Nope.""Alex, is this a prank?""Ooh, that would've been a great one hey? But no it's not."I say then laugh when he jumps up and down holding the red piece of paper."My friend is one of the players for the eagles and he p
The One He Never Claimed. 32.
"Hi mom. Third time this week, you're probably already tired of me." I say then chuckle lightly. I've gone from visiting only once a year to a few times a week. This is of course something I hadn't been able to do before but since I'm finally coming face to face with my demons, I feel that it's necessary. For my healing."I started seeing someone."About a week ago I decided to put myself out there again."Relax, a therapist." I release another chuckle. After a while of contemplating, I'd decided to go down this path. I don't think that I'm still crazily affected by the things I'd been through like I was a few years ago, at least not so bad that I need therapy. But I'd decided to seek that just to have someone who doesn't really know me to talk to. For a fresh perspective."My sessions are only once every three months. She said that I don't need frequent visits." I smile when I say that. I'd been shocked at first of course because if there was anyone who needed therapy, it was me.
The One He Never Claimed. 31.
"How are you feeling? About everything." I let myself really reflect on the question. I mean I've certainly had better days but I'm also doing about a thousand times better than I was a few weeks ago. I was a literal mess and it's hard to believe where I am now. I'm not necessarily great but I'm definitely in a good space, in a better space. I don't say all that to him though. I instead say,"You do know I'm the adult here right?"He's 8, what does he know about depth?"Oh c'mon Lex, you never let me ask stuff. How am I supposed to be like you if you don't teach me?" He asks the question I've now heard too many times with a frown. I've begged him to please not end up like me, I'm yet to give him a reason. Putting it in simpler terms would be that I'm the last person anyone should ever look up to. I have no sense of direction whatsoever, but I'm not going to tell him that."You're too young to ask these questions Josh, I tell you this all the time," I say to him. Truthfully he's quit
