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2024-10-29 19:42:56We're still very much together. But I told him I needed a break.
Just to calm my head and my heart from everything. It took him a while but he finally accepted it. He said as long as I come back to him. Of course I will, I always will. I realize I'm a slave to his love.
It's not even just because he threatened to kill himself, but also because a life without him is a life I don't want to live. I can't even grasp the thought of him not being here anymore. I've had him in my life for so long that I don't want to picture a life where he's not there.
Him wanting to kill himself served as a reminder of how much I need him.
I do however hate what he did to make me stay but the thought of him not being alive any more is scary enough for me to.
The couple of days that we've been apart had me thinking too much of course. Like about the fact
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The One He Never Claimed. 11.
"Hey, are you ok?" A voice sounds forcing me to open my eyes."Yeah," I respond with a smile."Do you want me to get the driver to fetch you some clothes at home? You can stay here as long as you want." She says but I shake my head, and my smile remains."He's doing better now, I'm gonna call Mickey to come and get us a bit later on." I say and she nods her head in understanding.After I'd been by Ezra's side the whole night while he slept, I'd decided to go back downstairs to watch some tv as I couldn't sleep. I must've dozed off on the couch sometime after."Alex, I know how difficult this is for you right now." Michaela says and I look at her in a bit of confusion. How could she possibly understand what I'm going through? No one will ever understand and that's the thing. She seems to sense my ranting mind because,"Dating a football player is hard." She ex
The One He Never Claimed. 12.
"What happened to you?""What do you mean?""You just disappeared off the face of the earth. You've been doing that a lot lately."Olivia asks making me internally roll my eyes. Not at the question but at the fact that she kissed my man. Although I guess in her defense, she doesn't know. But that still doesn't stop me from being petty with her so,"Can't I just take some time off for myself without you assuming something drastic happened?" I ignore the look Liz gives me after saying that. Olivia keeps quiet after my comment and that honestly makes me feel more bad than good.I'm not a malicious person, at all. But all this compartmentalizing is getting the best of me. I know I'm becoming a different person, I can see it in the way Liz looks at me. It's like she's given up asking me questions now. I used to wish for that to happen but now I can't help but think she's given up on m
The One He Never Claimed. 13.
"So what about the many ladies sitting at home watching this, is there a lucky lady occupying your heart right now?"The crowd cheers as he blushes before answering,"Not at this moment, no." the crowd somehow manages to scream even louder than before at his response. I'm not really mad because the whole point of us hiding our relationship is so people think he's single. This is not the first time he's giving this kind of interview. It used to hurt until it didn't anymore.So it doesn't surprise me, what surprises me instead is his response after being asked if there's a potential someone."There might be yeah."That's certainly a new one.I'm pretty sure he's not talking about me. Is he saying that so people don't hit on him or is it because there really is a potential someone? This is not an answer he's given
The One He Never Claimed. 14.
"You left me no choice, how can you put me in such a position?" I remove the phone from my ear as he continues to shout."That was really stupid, don't you care at all about anyone but yourself? I would never put you in such a position Alex." He says for the umpteenth time now. I'm exhausted."I'm sorry," I say to him. I need him to stop so I'll say anything.I've been on the phone surely for more than 30 minutes now just listening to him tell him how stupid what I did last night at Ashley's party was. He says that I should've known he was going to do that because my actions were uncalled for. This comes after he'd been ignoring my calls the whole of last night and today.I came back home and I wanted to give him a piece of my mind. When I left Ashley's party, I was a laughing stock. People called me pathetic and desperate, all because yet again - he refused me. And somehow I'm the one who needs to a
The One He Never Claimed. 15.
My mom was my world.She died a few years ago after losing her battle with Colon cancer. She'd battled it for a few years before it ultimately claimed her. Even though it was expected for the few months leading up to it, it didn't make the pain go away. Not in the slightest.I was broken.I was in middle school and I remember being so heartbroken I felt numb. I didn't go to school for a while but even after returning, I resembled a zombie. I was always in my own world and never let anyone in.I didn't understand how God would let something like that happen to her, happen to me. What did we ever do to deserve so much pain?I hated everything. I hated life.That's when Ezra came along.The first time I saw him was the first time, after my mom's death that I felt not so horrible. He walked in
The One He Never Claimed. 16.
I've been in hospital for over a week now, he hasn't called.I know it's because he's still mad at me.I'm partly ok with that because I don't want him to know what's happened. I don't want him to know I almost...I just want him to be ok.And ok he seems to be because every time I switch on the Tv I see him, he's also all over the internet. He's appearing in music videos too and every other day he's on a different Tv channel getting interviewed. I never thought it was possible but he's somehow getting more and more famous every day.It's so odd to see also, because he's never really wanted this kind of life. He was never into the fame that came with his profession. All he wanted was to play football, everything else he didn't care much about. But he looks happy every time I see him on tv and I guess that makes me happy too. I'm gl
The One He Never Claimed. 17.
I haven't really grasped the repercussions of my actions if I'm being honest. I did something only putting my own feelings in mind, not at all thinking about the people around me. I don't want to even imagine what they would've gone through had I been successful in my attempt.Dad doesn't talk much, he comes to the ward a few times a week to bring me stuff. I hate hospital food so he always makes sure to bring me my favorite meals as I still lay in the hospital.He kisses me on the forehead and tells me he loves me always. This was never something he did before. Dad is not a very affectionate person so I'd rarely heard him uttering those words to me growing up. But never did I ever doubt he'd felt them for me.Hearing him all of sudden saying the three-worded sentence kind of breaks my heart a little. Because it means he thinks I'd never known it or believed it.&nb
The One He Never Claimed. 18.
I don't know how much longer I'm going to be here. Mary has been here for over three months and I hope that's not the case with me because schools are reopening soon.I'm not too excited about that but I need to complete my degree in social sciences nonetheless.I'd always hated seeing Ezra go through the things that he did growing up. I wanted to do something, to make his life a little less crappy. Although I did get dad to help out where he could, it still wasn't enough. They used to come and have dinners at my house whenever they didn't have at home, we used to welcome them. But I knew food was only a small part of their many problems. I knew they struggled with keeping the lights on at home, and that Ezra ended up not doing his home works and not studying for tests as a result.His tragic upbringing was a big part of my wanting to study what I'm studying. I have no clu
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The One He Never Claimed. 39.
"What did I do now?"We do this thing where we joke around with each other, this is to ignore the tension that still exists with us.We walk around acting like everything's cool and I guess it is, to an extent but there's clearly stuff that was left unsaid with us. For way too long.That is why,"I just wanted us to talk - to clear the air."If I'm serious then we won't waste time joking around.I want to do more than just 'clear the air'. It's been years and we still haven't really talked about what happened.He takes a seat across from me and then,"Yeah sure."His tone gets a bit serious and that allows me to continue."Where's Bruno?"I don't see him around anymore, for years actually. I know they'd remained friends after we broke up, for a while. I'm not sure what happened with them but clearly something did happen because wherever there was Ezra, Bruno was somewhere around. Never one without the other."I don't know."He says simply.His face is void of emotion, like that was n
The One He Never Claimed. 38.
"He was going through stuff Alex, he's done nothing but try to prove himself since.""I'm sorry, we're talking about the same guy whose actions had us not speaking to each other for two years right?"It's beyond me how she's still on his side after what he did."Alex, he made a mistake. Ok maybe a few but who hasn't? You can never question the fact that this man loves you."I mean I've never questioned it, but love is simply not enough now is it?"I don't know if I'll ever look at him the same again."Yes it's been years, but even though the heart forgives, the mind doesn't forget."You'll never truly know unless you give him another chance."For the umpteenth time, I decide to shrug her comments away. Liz doesn't understand. It's easy to tell someone to forgive and forget but it's different when you're the one having to forgive.Because of this man, I have walls up so high that people can hardly climb them. Because of this man, I have trust issues.So no, it won't be that easy.And y
The One He Never Claimed. 37.
"Let's see. There was Leo, Martin, Dean, and LorenzoI went out with Lorenzo two times though, he was good company. Oh and Dean was cute, he got me a bracelet that I gave to Josh to give to his crush at school.I still don't know how you'd feel about my telling you all this"It's still very weird but I like to imagine this being the relationship I would've had with her if she was still alive. A relationship where I can tell her anything and everything, including who I've slept with.She would cringe but still appreciate my openness."Oh and then there was Grant. He was a little bit, maybe a lot older than me but he really took care of me, for that week at least."That was before I found out he was married with two kids, I'm not going to tell mom that."I'm slowing down a bit now. It was fun."It really was. For the past four years, I've not been 'falling in love' with other people but myself.I'd realized that beyond the two people I was with, I had no other experiences of dating wha
The One He Never Claimed. 36.
I haven't seen Ezra since the game about a month ago, he'd been blowing up my phone but I made it clear I want nothing to do with him. I'd tried building a friendship with him but I can't be friends with people who take me for granted.I certainly didn't invite him to come and spend Thanksgiving with us and I almost ask who invited him but,"Honey, I hope you don't mind that I invited Ezra." This man is clearly wanting to drive me crazy. Of course I mind.Ezra has been nothing but a distraction throughout my life and I don't need that, not anymore at least. I need to rid myself of him and his toxic energy.I know dad knows I'm not cool with him anymore because he hasn't come to visit in a while, also I act deaf whenever he starts asking about him. So clearly he's trying to fish something by not only inviting him, but Cody too. "Hi Cody,"I decide to only acknowledge the other boy. He's usually quiet when he's irritated, I'd learned it was to keep his anger at bay, so as to not do
The One He Never Claimed. 35.
"Dad stop it. You're making me cry."I say wiping the next tear that falls on my cheek."I just want to say sweetheart, that it took a really long time. It took us years before we could finally land where we are. And it's the best place we've ever been in a very long time."It's the best place we've been since mom's death. It's like we were just lost souls trying to find ourselves in a world we never imagined to live without mom in it and we were just winging it.For years.But now?"Ok ok dad! Which one are you gonna go with?" I ask looking at the breathtaking pieces of silver and gold bands."I don't know Hunny, when I proposed to your mom I didn't have a lot of money so I didn't have to go through this. I just went for the cheapest ring I could find." He says earning laughs from the jeweler and myself.It sounds unromantic but I know what was on dad's mind was the prospect of spending the rest of his life with the woman he was madly in love with. Nothing else mattered in that momen
The One He Never Claimed. 34.
This is the first time I'm seeing Josh cry since well - ever. They've got his face on the big screen with the words, 'Hi Josh, this game is dedicated to you.' and it's left on there throughout the game.I might have told Ezra Josh's story.In all honesty, it was in effort to motivate him to get us the tickets but never in a million years would I have ever thought he would do something like this.I hold on to Josh so tight as he sobs on my shoulder silently and I try really hard to keep my own sobs at bay. I need to be strong for the both of us.It's not at all hard to explain, this is an 8-year-old boy who not too long ago lost everything, literally. He became an orphan and lost his arm all in one night, but never have I seen him shed a tear at his tragedy, not once.That easily makes him the strongest person that I know.So finally seeing him balling his eyes out for seeing a picture of himself on a screen in the middle of the field at his favorite football club's game, and having th
The One He Never Claimed. 33.
"Hey, you're not allowed to peek!""But...""Josh!""Fine..."He responds in surrender then lets me put the palm of my hands back on his eyes.He's even worse than me at surprises."Are we there yet?""Almost. Just a few more steps... And - you can open your eyes now!"He conforms and then,"Uh... I don't get it.""Open the box," I say to him in a duh tone but I'm not surprised when he then says,"But what was the point of closing my eyes if it's in a box?"Josh has a smart mouth that I still try really hard not to slap."Ok I guess that was a little dramatic but open the box Josh jeez," I say to him annoyingly but also excitedly. I can't wait to see his face when he sees it.He then doesn't waste any more time before opening the box and then,"You're kidding me!""Nope.""Alex, is this a prank?""Ooh, that would've been a great one hey? But no it's not."I say then laugh when he jumps up and down holding the red piece of paper."My friend is one of the players for the eagles and he p
The One He Never Claimed. 32.
"Hi mom. Third time this week, you're probably already tired of me." I say then chuckle lightly. I've gone from visiting only once a year to a few times a week. This is of course something I hadn't been able to do before but since I'm finally coming face to face with my demons, I feel that it's necessary. For my healing."I started seeing someone."About a week ago I decided to put myself out there again."Relax, a therapist." I release another chuckle. After a while of contemplating, I'd decided to go down this path. I don't think that I'm still crazily affected by the things I'd been through like I was a few years ago, at least not so bad that I need therapy. But I'd decided to seek that just to have someone who doesn't really know me to talk to. For a fresh perspective."My sessions are only once every three months. She said that I don't need frequent visits." I smile when I say that. I'd been shocked at first of course because if there was anyone who needed therapy, it was me.
The One He Never Claimed. 31.
"How are you feeling? About everything." I let myself really reflect on the question. I mean I've certainly had better days but I'm also doing about a thousand times better than I was a few weeks ago. I was a literal mess and it's hard to believe where I am now. I'm not necessarily great but I'm definitely in a good space, in a better space. I don't say all that to him though. I instead say,"You do know I'm the adult here right?"He's 8, what does he know about depth?"Oh c'mon Lex, you never let me ask stuff. How am I supposed to be like you if you don't teach me?" He asks the question I've now heard too many times with a frown. I've begged him to please not end up like me, I'm yet to give him a reason. Putting it in simpler terms would be that I'm the last person anyone should ever look up to. I have no sense of direction whatsoever, but I'm not going to tell him that."You're too young to ask these questions Josh, I tell you this all the time," I say to him. Truthfully he's quit
