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2024-10-29 19:42:56My mom was my world.
She died a few years ago after losing her battle with Colon cancer. She'd battled it for a few years before it ultimately claimed her. Even though it was expected for the few months leading up to it, it didn't make the pain go away. Not in the slightest.
I was broken.
I was in middle school and I remember being so heartbroken I felt numb. I didn't go to school for a while but even after returning, I resembled a zombie. I was always in my own world and never let anyone in.
I didn't understand how God would let something like that happen to her, happen to me. What did we ever do to deserve so much pain?
I hated everything. I hated life.
That's when Ezra came along.
The first time I saw him was the first time, after my mom's death that I felt not so horrible. He walked in
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The One He Never Claimed. 16.
I've been in hospital for over a week now, he hasn't called.I know it's because he's still mad at me.I'm partly ok with that because I don't want him to know what's happened. I don't want him to know I almost...I just want him to be ok.And ok he seems to be because every time I switch on the Tv I see him, he's also all over the internet. He's appearing in music videos too and every other day he's on a different Tv channel getting interviewed. I never thought it was possible but he's somehow getting more and more famous every day.It's so odd to see also, because he's never really wanted this kind of life. He was never into the fame that came with his profession. All he wanted was to play football, everything else he didn't care much about. But he looks happy every time I see him on tv and I guess that makes me happy too. I'm gl
The One He Never Claimed. 17.
I haven't really grasped the repercussions of my actions if I'm being honest. I did something only putting my own feelings in mind, not at all thinking about the people around me. I don't want to even imagine what they would've gone through had I been successful in my attempt.Dad doesn't talk much, he comes to the ward a few times a week to bring me stuff. I hate hospital food so he always makes sure to bring me my favorite meals as I still lay in the hospital.He kisses me on the forehead and tells me he loves me always. This was never something he did before. Dad is not a very affectionate person so I'd rarely heard him uttering those words to me growing up. But never did I ever doubt he'd felt them for me.Hearing him all of sudden saying the three-worded sentence kind of breaks my heart a little. Because it means he thinks I'd never known it or believed it.&nb
The One He Never Claimed. 18.
I don't know how much longer I'm going to be here. Mary has been here for over three months and I hope that's not the case with me because schools are reopening soon.I'm not too excited about that but I need to complete my degree in social sciences nonetheless.I'd always hated seeing Ezra go through the things that he did growing up. I wanted to do something, to make his life a little less crappy. Although I did get dad to help out where he could, it still wasn't enough. They used to come and have dinners at my house whenever they didn't have at home, we used to welcome them. But I knew food was only a small part of their many problems. I knew they struggled with keeping the lights on at home, and that Ezra ended up not doing his home works and not studying for tests as a result.His tragic upbringing was a big part of my wanting to study what I'm studying. I have no clu
The One He Never Claimed. 19.
"Surprise!!!"They all shout in unison as I duck in terror. Are they trying to give me a heart attack?I absolutely hate surprises and I'd been sure to remind Mary this multiple times but clearly I wasn't clear enough. A part of me knew they were going to do this but that doesn't take my shock away. It also doesn't surprise me that Mary went on and did this anyway despite my not wanting her to. She's the same person who promised to not make a big deal of my leaving but went on to buy me a bunch of gifts and gave me a farewell speech this morning.I'd learned that her husband at least had the courtesy of leaving her with a lot of money, despite her not wanting to return to her old life. She says that there's no life for her out there without her husband, that was one of the saddest things I'd ever heard. And it's admittedly been a part of the reason behind my choice to let Ezra go. I certainly don't want to end up t
The One He Never Claimed. 20.
"Ezra Michael's mystery woman..."*Changes channel*"He was caught kissing someone at a hosp..."*Changes channel*"Nobody knows who she is but that didn't stop him from..."*Changes channel*"On today's news of the rich and famous. Ezra Michaels..."I decide to switch off the TV. I can't seem to catch a break. It's been a week now, how is this still 'news'? Just the other day dad had to get paparazzi off our lawn by hose piping them. They follow me to school and back, they just won't leave me alone. Neither will Ezra.I coincidentally hang up another call from him as his name crosses my mind.It's not fair that he's doing this to me and I wasn't shy to tell him that. Furthermore, he's not making any effort to kill off the speculations despite my asking him to. He's instead fueling the
The One He Never Claimed. 21.
"Babe! Don't forget dad's Tupperware!" I shout from upstairs after deciding I don't wish to be murdered by my father."I heard you the first 20 times." My idiot boyfriend shouts back at me sarcastically making me roll my eyes."Thanks babe!" I shout again deciding not to entertain his attitude. Today is an important day and I can't have him ruining it for me.I look at my reflection in the mirror a little longer than usual then take a long, deep breath. I've done this quite a few times but it never gets any easier. I do my final check-ups then take my purse to go downstairs so we can leave, dad is probably waiting impatiently."How are you feeling?" My boyfriend asks as we drive silently to my dad's house with the radio softly playing in the background. It's a thing we like to do, one might call it a minor bonding session.I feel... anxious."Excited," I answer him honestly. I'm feeling a lot of things but excitement is definitely on the surface. It's the primary feeling.It's weird b
The One He Never Claimed. 22.
The wind blows softly against my skin as I take another long breath with my eyes closed this time. Orange leaves scatter the ground and they seem to also be affected by the autumn breeze. I look around the place that used to bring me so much calm and serenity with deep sorrow. "Why here?" I ignore the slight break in my voice. The last thing I want is for him to think he has any effect on me. "I thought being here would make this conversation a lot easier." If there was ever the hardest place to have this conversation, it's here. "It makes no difference to me." I lie. It makes all the difference. I'm battling with keeping it together, this place holds so many memories and I feel suffocated by them. "How are you doing Alex?" He asks seemingly curious. His eyes hold a depth in them I haven't seen in a while. I know he's asking because of what his fans have put me through. It's been a lot. I have no privacy, I've had to delete all my social media because of the constant bullying on
The One He Never Claimed. 23.
"How long were you two deciding on hiding this from me?"For as long as we could."We were just waiting for the right time dad." I lie. Telling him was never on my agenda in the near future or at all. I'd hoped we'd go years and maybe even get married without him knowing.But his reaction to all this makes me feel stupid for hiding my relationship with Cody in the first place."I mean I kinda knew.""What?" Cody and I say in unison.We're visiting dad because he wanted to see me before my big graduation in a few days. This is also the first time we're talking about the events of the past few days at the graveyard, likely because we're all only now in a good mood - in a better mood. I'd been upset the past couple of days because I'd been really excited to finally celebrate my mother in the right kind of mood, the mood I hadn't been able to celebrate her in for too long.I'd been a bit hard on myself for the fact that I let the mess with Ezra and his fans keep me from being with my mo
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The One He Never Claimed. 39.
"What did I do now?"We do this thing where we joke around with each other, this is to ignore the tension that still exists with us.We walk around acting like everything's cool and I guess it is, to an extent but there's clearly stuff that was left unsaid with us. For way too long.That is why,"I just wanted us to talk - to clear the air."If I'm serious then we won't waste time joking around.I want to do more than just 'clear the air'. It's been years and we still haven't really talked about what happened.He takes a seat across from me and then,"Yeah sure."His tone gets a bit serious and that allows me to continue."Where's Bruno?"I don't see him around anymore, for years actually. I know they'd remained friends after we broke up, for a while. I'm not sure what happened with them but clearly something did happen because wherever there was Ezra, Bruno was somewhere around. Never one without the other."I don't know."He says simply.His face is void of emotion, like that was n
The One He Never Claimed. 38.
"He was going through stuff Alex, he's done nothing but try to prove himself since.""I'm sorry, we're talking about the same guy whose actions had us not speaking to each other for two years right?"It's beyond me how she's still on his side after what he did."Alex, he made a mistake. Ok maybe a few but who hasn't? You can never question the fact that this man loves you."I mean I've never questioned it, but love is simply not enough now is it?"I don't know if I'll ever look at him the same again."Yes it's been years, but even though the heart forgives, the mind doesn't forget."You'll never truly know unless you give him another chance."For the umpteenth time, I decide to shrug her comments away. Liz doesn't understand. It's easy to tell someone to forgive and forget but it's different when you're the one having to forgive.Because of this man, I have walls up so high that people can hardly climb them. Because of this man, I have trust issues.So no, it won't be that easy.And y
The One He Never Claimed. 37.
"Let's see. There was Leo, Martin, Dean, and LorenzoI went out with Lorenzo two times though, he was good company. Oh and Dean was cute, he got me a bracelet that I gave to Josh to give to his crush at school.I still don't know how you'd feel about my telling you all this"It's still very weird but I like to imagine this being the relationship I would've had with her if she was still alive. A relationship where I can tell her anything and everything, including who I've slept with.She would cringe but still appreciate my openness."Oh and then there was Grant. He was a little bit, maybe a lot older than me but he really took care of me, for that week at least."That was before I found out he was married with two kids, I'm not going to tell mom that."I'm slowing down a bit now. It was fun."It really was. For the past four years, I've not been 'falling in love' with other people but myself.I'd realized that beyond the two people I was with, I had no other experiences of dating wha
The One He Never Claimed. 36.
I haven't seen Ezra since the game about a month ago, he'd been blowing up my phone but I made it clear I want nothing to do with him. I'd tried building a friendship with him but I can't be friends with people who take me for granted.I certainly didn't invite him to come and spend Thanksgiving with us and I almost ask who invited him but,"Honey, I hope you don't mind that I invited Ezra." This man is clearly wanting to drive me crazy. Of course I mind.Ezra has been nothing but a distraction throughout my life and I don't need that, not anymore at least. I need to rid myself of him and his toxic energy.I know dad knows I'm not cool with him anymore because he hasn't come to visit in a while, also I act deaf whenever he starts asking about him. So clearly he's trying to fish something by not only inviting him, but Cody too. "Hi Cody,"I decide to only acknowledge the other boy. He's usually quiet when he's irritated, I'd learned it was to keep his anger at bay, so as to not do
The One He Never Claimed. 35.
"Dad stop it. You're making me cry."I say wiping the next tear that falls on my cheek."I just want to say sweetheart, that it took a really long time. It took us years before we could finally land where we are. And it's the best place we've ever been in a very long time."It's the best place we've been since mom's death. It's like we were just lost souls trying to find ourselves in a world we never imagined to live without mom in it and we were just winging it.For years.But now?"Ok ok dad! Which one are you gonna go with?" I ask looking at the breathtaking pieces of silver and gold bands."I don't know Hunny, when I proposed to your mom I didn't have a lot of money so I didn't have to go through this. I just went for the cheapest ring I could find." He says earning laughs from the jeweler and myself.It sounds unromantic but I know what was on dad's mind was the prospect of spending the rest of his life with the woman he was madly in love with. Nothing else mattered in that momen
The One He Never Claimed. 34.
This is the first time I'm seeing Josh cry since well - ever. They've got his face on the big screen with the words, 'Hi Josh, this game is dedicated to you.' and it's left on there throughout the game.I might have told Ezra Josh's story.In all honesty, it was in effort to motivate him to get us the tickets but never in a million years would I have ever thought he would do something like this.I hold on to Josh so tight as he sobs on my shoulder silently and I try really hard to keep my own sobs at bay. I need to be strong for the both of us.It's not at all hard to explain, this is an 8-year-old boy who not too long ago lost everything, literally. He became an orphan and lost his arm all in one night, but never have I seen him shed a tear at his tragedy, not once.That easily makes him the strongest person that I know.So finally seeing him balling his eyes out for seeing a picture of himself on a screen in the middle of the field at his favorite football club's game, and having th
The One He Never Claimed. 33.
"Hey, you're not allowed to peek!""But...""Josh!""Fine..."He responds in surrender then lets me put the palm of my hands back on his eyes.He's even worse than me at surprises."Are we there yet?""Almost. Just a few more steps... And - you can open your eyes now!"He conforms and then,"Uh... I don't get it.""Open the box," I say to him in a duh tone but I'm not surprised when he then says,"But what was the point of closing my eyes if it's in a box?"Josh has a smart mouth that I still try really hard not to slap."Ok I guess that was a little dramatic but open the box Josh jeez," I say to him annoyingly but also excitedly. I can't wait to see his face when he sees it.He then doesn't waste any more time before opening the box and then,"You're kidding me!""Nope.""Alex, is this a prank?""Ooh, that would've been a great one hey? But no it's not."I say then laugh when he jumps up and down holding the red piece of paper."My friend is one of the players for the eagles and he p
The One He Never Claimed. 32.
"Hi mom. Third time this week, you're probably already tired of me." I say then chuckle lightly. I've gone from visiting only once a year to a few times a week. This is of course something I hadn't been able to do before but since I'm finally coming face to face with my demons, I feel that it's necessary. For my healing."I started seeing someone."About a week ago I decided to put myself out there again."Relax, a therapist." I release another chuckle. After a while of contemplating, I'd decided to go down this path. I don't think that I'm still crazily affected by the things I'd been through like I was a few years ago, at least not so bad that I need therapy. But I'd decided to seek that just to have someone who doesn't really know me to talk to. For a fresh perspective."My sessions are only once every three months. She said that I don't need frequent visits." I smile when I say that. I'd been shocked at first of course because if there was anyone who needed therapy, it was me.
The One He Never Claimed. 31.
"How are you feeling? About everything." I let myself really reflect on the question. I mean I've certainly had better days but I'm also doing about a thousand times better than I was a few weeks ago. I was a literal mess and it's hard to believe where I am now. I'm not necessarily great but I'm definitely in a good space, in a better space. I don't say all that to him though. I instead say,"You do know I'm the adult here right?"He's 8, what does he know about depth?"Oh c'mon Lex, you never let me ask stuff. How am I supposed to be like you if you don't teach me?" He asks the question I've now heard too many times with a frown. I've begged him to please not end up like me, I'm yet to give him a reason. Putting it in simpler terms would be that I'm the last person anyone should ever look up to. I have no sense of direction whatsoever, but I'm not going to tell him that."You're too young to ask these questions Josh, I tell you this all the time," I say to him. Truthfully he's quit
