Death is an Empty Feeling

 The hooting of the owl could be said to have a calming effect on a troubled mind but all that seemed to calm my mind was the evening breeze which slowly erased the sting from my skin. It felt wonderful to soak in the rays of the full moon, and few minutes later,I fell asleep on the front porch.    

 The night was traumatizing. Reoccurring scenes of the event that took place swamped my dreams. In my head the scene was replaying over and over again. I was so crippled by the nightmares that I could not wake up from it. I have always heard of the termed sleep paralysis and getting to experience it was twice as bad as all the doctors I know have explained it. After a lot of struggling I finally awoke to the meowing caused by our neighbor's cat and I lifted my half numb body off the resting chair and dragged myself inside.  

  Looking through the doors to my father's room,I saw him lying scatterly. I hated the sight of it. I suddenly had the imagination of taking his bedside chair and banging it on his head repeatedly till all that was left of it was his brains organs splattered all over the pillow. Realizing that I couldn't do it brought a wave of sadness over me. I wish for Bonnie to be with me during this trying time, but the sound of silenceness remained me that I was all alone. Still, it didn't prevent me from rebuking my father for what he did to me, but I only did it in my head because I would be a fool to provoke the sleeping lion.    

 "How could he be so heartless to the point of saying such gruesome things to me! For Christ sakes,he is supposed to be protecting and supporting me as I go through this troubling times. But no, he decides to put my head through a toilet. Well,I just hope this happened because he was drunk."     

 I left his door open and headed off to my room. I hoped the cold flowing into the room from outside will freeze him to death.     

 I was never the one to take things kindly with my enemies. I never liked being bullied and that's one of the things I adore about myself. Normally when I'm being bullied,I would beat whoever was bullying me up till they understood that I was not to be messed with. But with my dad,there was nothing I could do. I could not fight back, I couldn't scream and tell him all the nasty things I really wanted to, I couldn't do any of that. After all he was my father,not a 19 years old looking to make his miserable life a little bit exciting by beating up somebody younger than him.    

 I got comfortable in my bed and soothed myself with words of encouragement like my mother would always do before kissing me goodnight. Gradually, I drifted into a nightmare filled sleep.  

 I woke up with sore muscles and a dry throat. Immediately I knew that I had slept in. I'm always an early riser but when I do wake up late, my body becomes sore from the extra rest. I sluggishly took myself to the bathroom to prepare for school and by the time I was done, pancakes was the only thing I could make for breakfast because I definitely did not want to be tardy on the second day in school.    

 Dad was still not up by the time I had to leave for school,so I called Sandra and asked if I could go with her. She said yes and few minutes later her mom was blaring her horn indicating for me to come out.    

 I left a note for dad on the fridge telling him that I had left for school and that his pancakes were on top of the cabinet. After I was done with that, I rushed out to meet Mrs. Hale.  

 Mrs. Hale was a very pleasant woman. From the drivers seat,I could see that she was very beautiful. She had almond shaped eyes like my mother and a brilliant set of blue eyes. Her blonde hair was sparkling against the morning sun and I had to give some accolades to God for creating such a beautiful woman. Throughout the ride to school, Sandra kept talking about how Mrs. Rebecca's assignment was a pain in the ass to complete.    

 It was shocking to me because I honestly thought the assignment was a piece of cake. So in a bit to help my new found friend, I reached out to get my own assignment from my bag so that she could compare the answers I got with hers and that was when she noticed the mark on my arm.    

 "Amelia,what is this?" she asked while holding my arm.    

 How was I to answer that question? How was I to tell her that my own father dragged me up the stairs and pushed my head into the toilet?     

 It didn't sound pleasant to the ear so I decided to go with something that will.   

  "I fell while I was cleaning the house" and I pulled my sweater down my hand. I hope earnestly that my look didn't give me away because I honestly was not ready to answer all the questions I knew she would ask.    

 She gave me a look of disbelief but I wasn't ready to tell just anyone what would probably be a one time thing.    

 We finally got to school and Mrs. Hale told us to behave while we were away from our parents. And then she drove off. I looked at Sandra and I saw sadness in her eyes. I knew it was because it appeared like her mother enjoyed working than she enjoyed spending time with her. I knew she was not okay with her mother's new behavior. I placed my hand on her shoulder and said. "Why don't you just talk to her about it? Tell her that you want her to make time for you or you could plan an outing for the both of you."    

 She sighed. "Amelia,you don't understand. I have tried to tell her to make out time but she always tells me that she is busy."    

 "Then you tell her how you feel. This is eating you up and it's not healthy. I know it's difficult but nothing good ever comes easy."   

  "I guess I could do that. Every other thing isn't working out. Maybe this will help. Thank you Amelia." She hugged me and we headed off to our classes.    

 My thoughts throughout school was why my father did what he did and if I was safe with him.    

 I was too engrossed in these thoughts that I didn't notice the pale looking boy coming directly towards me in a skate board.     "Ouch,watch where you going you numbskull." I released my built up anger on the boy.    

 "I'm sorry, are you okay?"   

  "Do I look okay? You almost broke my hip" and then I looked up to see the same raw features that made my knees weak the first day I got here.   

  "Amelia?"  

   "Oh hey Derek" the anger I vented out on him made me feel terrible.    

"I'm really sorry I ran into you like that,I just wasn't focused I think."   

  "Why are you even driving that in the hallway. Isn't it like prohibited?"  

   He laughed. A smooth,earth shaking laughing that made butterflies come alive in my stomach.   

   "It is but I do have my ways of getting away with such things by now."    

 "Really, indulge me."  

   He looked surprised when I said that. "You don't know?"    

"Know what?"    

"Most people know it. My father is the principal here. How did you not know that?"    

 He looked like someone who just had his bubbles bursted and I immediately caught on to him having everyone here treat him like a celebrity and being surprised that I didn't.      "Well I guess I've been too busy to indulge myself in conversation. Anyway,I gotta go. I'll soon be late for class. Catch you later" And I walked away without waiting for a response from him. 

    After school,I was reluctant to get back home so I decided to walk the whole way home.      Sandra's mom offered to drive me home but I refused telling her that I had to pick up some things at the grocery store and I didn't want to delay her. 

    The walk was calming. I think the only thing I love that New Orleans doesn't have is the terrible heat that California presented.   

   The trees were in a lovely color of brown. The streets was filled with citizens of New Orleans celebrating a festival I had little interest in knowing.    

  I looked to my left and I suddenly picked interest in a couple holding hands and walking behind their daughter. She looked so happy licking her ice cream and I suddenly got this sting in my heart.   

  A tear started to form in my eyes and I held on to my mother's necklace. I missed her terribly and I wish for nothing more than to have her sing me to sleep.  

   I quickly moved my eyes away from the sight and I ran home.  

   I went upstairs to see if Dad was back and my entire body was filled with dread when I realized that he was not. I knew he was out drinking again and I feared for my life.  

    I tried to console myself by repeating over and over again "Nothing will happen to you. Maybe he is just out looking for a job. He is your father,he won't hurt you."   

  This became my mantra as I walked around trying to fix a sandwich to eat while doing my assignment.    

 I decided to take a quick nap when I was done with my homework. I woke up to the front door banging. I rushed downstairs to help my father in and as expected,he was drunk again.  

   I assisted him to the dinning table and started making dinner for both of us. Surprisingly,he didn't yell at me like before. He just sat there looking at me with admiration in his eyes as I walked around trying to fix dinner.    

 After he was done eating,he got up and walked close to me. Pulled my chair out and knelt down in front of me.  

    "You remind me so much of your mother" and he slightly traced his hand down my skin. I don't know why but it made me shiver with disgust.     "You have the same skin as her. So smooth,so tan,so perfect" And he sniffed my thigh.  

   I pushed him away from me and he got up,looked at me angrily and went upstairs.     I shook off the feeling of anger that was boiling up in me and went about tidying up the kitchen and dinning room.    

  When I was done,I headed upstairs to take a shower. The shower had me feeling soft and smooth and all I wanted to do was crash on my bed and sleep but I decided to check on my father first. I passed by his room and he was sound asleep. I went about my business and few minutes later,I fell asleep.   

  I woke up to something crawling up my thighs,I looked down and saw my father slowly sneaking up towards me.   

  I quickly got up and he pulled me back down. He pressed me by my neck to the bed and all my kicking did not help. 

     I tried screaming and he laid his full body weight on me and took his hand to silence my screams while his other hand went down to my vagina. 

    "Since you took away my sex partner,I guess I'll just have to turn you into the new one."    

  My brain was still telling me that this was not happening to me,it was after he made that statement that it became totally clear to me that I was about to be raped by my own father. This realization came with anger and at this point I was filled with rage. All I wanted to do was to get away from him. I was left with no other choice than to fight him, so I bit his hand while I took my one free hand and removed the textbook that was under my pillow.   

  With all the strength I had,I hit him on the head with it. He fell off me while holding his head in his hand and I scrambled away. I ran downstairs and I could here him coming at me.    

  I opened the door to the house and rushed out.   

   I didn't notice the car coming at me. I didn't hear my father shouting at me. The adrenaline rushing through my bones did not allow for me to see the lights from the car till it was too late. I turned around and the light from the car was the last thing I saw before I felt a thug on my waist. I didn't feel any pains,I didn't feel any sorrow,I just felt empty. 

    I fell down and I saw my mother's face. She stretched forth her hand and I took it with happiness in my heart.   

  I looked down at my body and saw my father weeping over my dead body. I could feel his guilt. First he killed his wife and now he has killed his daughter. Sadly,I didn't feel any pity for him.    

   I wondered how Sandra will feel when she found out that I was dead. Will she cry? Well,I don't think so. We have just known each other for a short period of time. I just hoped that she will fix things with her mother. That way,I could know that I did at least do one good thing while I was alive.   

  I just turned away and smiled as my mother led me to a place I have never been.