Chapter 10 : Silver Lining

*Vanessa*

I’m running faster than I’ve ever run before.

My feet pound into the ground beneath me with every step, right into the forest floor, sinking half an inch into the hardened mud before shooting out and propelling me forward once more.

My lungs feel like they’re going to burst and sweat drips down my neck and back, cooling rapidly in the frosty air.

Behind me, I hear the shouts coming up in the familiar voices of my pack. They scream obscenities at me as they chase me, the promise of bloodshed thick in their tone. As though I’m prey or a foreign threat they’re driving out of their territory and not one of their own.

Tears are falling down my face, wetting my cheeks, and dripping into my mouth until it's filled with salt.

There’s no moon above.

The only light comes from the glowing yellow eyes of my pursuers, incomprehensibly bright enough to dimly light the path ahead of me, which terrifies me because it means they’re drawing closer.

I shove my way through brambles and thorn bushes, cutting skin and tearing clothing as I try to escape, hope fading into an ever-dwindling possibility.

Then I hear his voice.

Shawn’s deep growl causes the hair on the back of my neck to stand on end and I place a hand over my mouth to keep from screaming in fear.

He’s joining them in their chorus, yelling insults at me and every word from his mouth seems to burden my steps with an unbearable weight.

I can’t believe that he’s saying those things, not when he’d given me a chance to prove myself. Not when he was the only person willing to risk something for that chance.

Then I hear Amara.

She’s laughing, almost shrieking with glee as she calls after me, her voice sapped of the warmth I’m used to and replaced instead by something cold, brittle, cruel.

I keep running, not wanting to pause for even a second.

Then my foot catches on a loose rock and I fall, skinning my hands and knees and I try to steady myself.

The wolves behind me howl in victory as they close in, and I find myself paralyzed, unable to move even an inch out of their way.

I’m dead.

They circle me, my old pack and the Ashborne shifters together, like a flock of predators about to descend and tear their meal apart. Fear grips my heart like a vise and I’m choking on the pleas that try to claw their way out of my throat.

They laugh at me.

“Pathetic,” Shawn says, his eyes no longer enthralling but terrifying; the color of a storm at sea. “I should’ve listened to you. What a waste of time.”

Beside him, Trent chuckles. “Yeah, I told you so. I’m glad you got to see firsthand how completely useless she is. I can’t believe you ever even thought she was worth the shadow of a doubt.”

“Absolutely pathetic,” Amara hisses, the snarl on her face so foreign and frightening that I almost whimper. “And she hasn’t even been able to heal properly yet. Maybe those wounds will stay as a reminder of her place.”

“Which is absolutely nowhere,” Aaron laughs. “She doesn’t belong anywhere. Not with Ashborne and definitely not with her old pack. She’s worthless.”

“Did you know her own aunt and uncle can’t even stand her?” Trent continues mercilessly, and I put my hands over my ears to block them all out. I don’t want to hear this. I don’t want the others to hear this.

Behind them, the other shifters have all changed to their wolf forms, and they continue to circle me with their hackles raised, bristling and waiting for the command to attack. But the main four continue an attack of their own, their words tearing into my spirit and causing just as much damage as teeth in flesh.

“They hated her, couldn’t wait to abandon her. She’s been alone her whole life,” Trent says.

“And she thought this was going to be different?” Shawn asks in disgust. “If you didn’t want her, what made her think we would?”

“She’s delusional,” Amara says, kicking a stone at me. “She actually thought she had a chance.”

Their laughter fills the air around me, seemingly drawing the oxygen from it until it feels like I’m suffocating. Then Trent, Shawn, Amara, and Aaron bare their teeth at me, and the entire group lunges forward to rip me to shreds.

***

I jolt upright, drenched in sweat and gasping.

It was just a dream. The relief I seek doesn’t come despite the fact that I can now see the infirmary around me instead of the woods and I can feel that I have no new wounds in addition to the ones Amara has bandaged up.

Just a dream.

It was just a dream, but that doesn’t stop my heart from beating out of control against my rib cage.

Amara’s eyes are wide and staring down at me, and for the first few seconds, I can’t differentiate between the dream version of her my mind had conjured and the worried-looking medic standing above me, asking me if I’m okay.

I realize then that she must have woken me up.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I say shakily, my voice anything but convincing. She tries to put a hand on my shoulder, but I flinch and she withdraws her arm.

It looks like she’s not sure what to do.

“Vanessa, are you sure you’re okay? You were screaming,” she notes, and I cringe despite my still-racing heart. “And you’re crying.”

I swipe at my cheeks with the sleeves of my shirt. “Sorry. Please tell me I didn’t wake you or anyone else.”

“No.” She shakes her head. “Everyone else is still sleeping. I do nighttime check-ups on all my patients. I heard you while I was patrolling around.”

Relief washes over me. The last thing I wanted to do was be another bother to the pack.

For a moment, neither of us says anything. She watches me carefully, obviously at a loss for words. From what I know of Amara, she isn’t exactly a super affectionate, mushy person. She’s sweet but not super soft, and tough when she needs to be.

I don’t exactly expect her to try and comfort me, but by the Goddess, she looks like she wants to try. She eventually sits at the edge of my bed, right at the end so that I still have plenty of space for myself.

She waits a while longer before she starts speaking again.

“Vanessa, you know that physical healing requires a lot of physical resting. But there’s a mental component to it as well. Sometimes unresolved issues we internalize can impact our physical well-being too,” she explains. “Please, don’t feel forced to have to say anything. But I would highly recommend it. Anything said between us stays within these four walls.”

Fresh tears prick my eyes at the kindness in her tone.

I so badly want to believe her. And maybe because I’m so desperate for even a chance at sincere companionship, I do.

It takes me a while to find the words but I eventually do, starting slowly and softly.

“I had a bit of a setback yesterday.”

“I could tell,” she replies. “You didn’t want to talk about it and I didn’t want to push. But if you’re ready now …?”

I take a breath. “I knew I wasn’t going to be immediately accepted as one of the pack. That wasn’t the surprising part. It was just the way they reminded me of it that took me back to my old pack. To … to Helbane.”

Amara’s mouth drops ever so slightly and I realize it’s the first time I’ve mentioned my old pack by name since the attack—even to myself. Thinking about it, I know I was hoping to keep the horror of what happened and the pain of the way things were for me at bay by not mentioning the name.

But doing that now is a form of letting go and it feels as though a heavy weight has just dropped from my shoulders. Now that I’ve started unloading some of the baggage, I can’t bring myself to stop.

“Back in Helbane, I was a pariah. An orphan. Those of us with no family were usually kept off to the side. And after the attack, all of that hidden insecurity I felt over not being good enough just came back infinitely stronger,” I pause. “I thought it was getting better, but then…”

“The pack didn’t listen to you,” Amara fills in, guessing for me.

“Yeah. Like I said, I didn’t expect to be accepted immediately, but I wasn’t prepared for how it would make me feel. There was especially one hunter who sort of spurred on the rest of them as well. Mylene.”

Amara’s eyes harden. “Mylene. Ah, that kid.”

I give her a questioning look and she sighs. “Mylene, Aaron, Shawn, and I sort of grew up around each other. Mylene and Shawn especially were very close. She’s not a bad kid, she just doesn’t know how to channel the loyalty she has in a way that’s not so … abrasive, I guess.”

“I get that I won’t have the same bonds to anyone here that the rest of you do. I just want a chance to prove that I can be useful. That I can have a purpose,” I say earnestly.

Amara looks at me for several long moments before sighing again and adjusting herself to a more comfortable sitting position.

“Okay, because you were honest with me and shared something really personal, I’ll return the courtesy,” she begins. “The truth is that it’s about so much more than just the ‘bond’ you think we have. Mylene’s parents passed away when she was very young. The pack looked after her.”

That startles me. Mylene was an orphan like me? At my confused expression, Amara nods her head. “And Aaron. I know that he hasn’t been taking it the easiest on you either. His father was killed by rogue wolves when he was twelve. Alpha Wyatt raised him like a son and he and Shawn became like brothers. That’s why both of them are so protective over Ashborne. It’s the only family they have and they’re far from the only ones.”

I think about Aaron’s suspicion of me, of the way he trusted Shawn with everything and the way he was willing to take Amara’s place as my warden despite me being a wildcard. I think about Mylene’s full on disrespect toward me and the way she and Aaron seemed to have some sort of tension between them.

I wonder how much Amara would be willing to share with me.

“Were you all close?” I ask. “Because it seemed like there was something between Aaron and Mylene that was kind of cold.”

Amara nods. “We were close as little kids, but maintained our individual friendships with others as we got older. I spend most of my time with the other medics, and Shawn is still very close with Mylene and Aaron. But there is some competition between Mylene and Aaron. See, Shawn has yet to choose his Beta.”

Ah. I remember there being hints in the exchange between Aaron and Mylene about the position.

“Everyone probably assumed that Shawn would choose Aaron as his Beta, but he didn’t. And not because he’s not capable. It’s just that he’s still rough around the edges and Shawn wants to be sure that whoever he picks as superiors in the pack will be worthy of that title, regardless of his relationship with them,” she explains. "And Mylene has been gunning for the position of Beta forever. It’s caused some conflict between them.”

That puts things into a better perspective for me. Mylene’s pushing at me was something a Beta would do. There were so many things going on that I hadn’t realized. Aaron and Mylene were also trying to prove themselves, just as I was.

“My point is, Vanessa, that there are bonds here because shifters have proved themselves to be trustworthy and capable despite their origins. Many of us are still trying to find our place here. There’s no reason you can’t do the same. The others might take longer to see it, but that doesn’t mean you should give up." Amara flashes me a soft smile. “I believe you can do it.”

Afraid that I’m going to cry in front of her again, I turn my head away, swallowing hard. I feel her words like a weight in my chest, rekindling some of the fire extinguished by yesterday’s events and the nightmare I’d just woken from.

“Hey,” she calls my attention back to her and I reluctantly turn to face her. “If you’re struggling to sleep, how about we go through ways to streamline the medical system here? You can talk me through it, ask any questions you have. I’m all ears.”

She gives me another smile and the corner of my mouth tilts up.

“Sure. I’d like that.”