Devastation didn't begin to describe what consumed me at that moment, or maybe it did. Standing in the rain, I wasn't aware of anything around me. It might have been the water or the fact my brain was overloaded and stopped functioning hours earlier. I knew he wasn't there, but I couldn't help myself. The guilt weighed heavily on my conscience as I traced the top of the family's marker. My legs quivered as I lowered myself onto the ground, kneeling above his body with my hands pressed into the freshly turned earth. Everyone else had either left or stepped away. Gray's mom was nearby, as was Brett, but I'd ended up here alone to say goodbye. There were likely people watching, and those who thought it was inappropriate, but I laid down on my side, with my temple to the cool dirt below and let the tears slip away. From my face to the ground, they instantly disappeared, as though they were insignificant and meaningless. I wanted to believe if I laid there long enough, somehow, I could re
When we walked in the door, I went to our room to change out of the dirty clothes I had on and take a warm shower in an effort to escape the chill that had settled into my bones. When I got out, I stood before Brett in a towel, wrapped my arms around his waist, and pressed my ear to his heart. He kissed the top of my head, and I felt the warmth and love he always gave. I needed to get lost in him, to numb the pain and accept the comfort he was offering. "Brett, can I wear one of your T-shirts?" He nodded slightly and moved to the dresser to grab one. I expected him to hand it to me, but instead, he took the towel from around me and let it fall to the floor and then helped me into the shirt. And I shimmied on a pair of panties. "Do you want some shorts? I doubt they'll stay up on you, but maybe boxers would work." He got that I wanted to be close to him, even if it was just clothing.Shaking my head, I answered, "I just want to sleep. Will you lie down with me?" His hand found mine
As much as I hated moving, myself or anyone else, I was grateful to have my best friend and his girlfriend relocating next door. The weeks since Gray's death had been hard on all of us, especially Annie, and having her running back and forth from work to Lissa's house and then home was too much. When she hit her second trimester, it was like she became narcoleptic. I worried she would fall asleep driving, but Lissa was even further along. I didn't want either one of them running around without Dan or me, but telling two pregnant women they needed to stay put was a recipe for an argument.Dan and I had been working a ton of overtime to cover Gray's shifts while we looked for a replacement, so the move had come at a particularly difficult time, but I was afraid if we didn't handle it the girls would take it upon themselves to do more than they should. Annie had been helping Lissa pack, but even that was difficult because neither of them could lift anything. I'd encouraged Annie to stay
The closer Lissa got to her due date the more serious Dan became about asking her to marry him. He was worried she'd go into labor, and he wouldn't have the ring. But he didn't want her finding it either."Do you know how hard it is to find reasons we shouldn't join our bank accounts?" He'd been sitting in my office for the last half hour stressed out about the engagement. I was humored by his anxiety. I'd been there, and he laughed at me when it happened. I had been a hell of a lot nicer than he had to me. "Why can't you join bank accounts?" I was sure the answer should be obvious, but it wasn't, and I was only half listening, anyhow."How am I going to justify a large chunk of money coming out of the account? Or hide savings accounts from her? Once we get married, I want to hand all of that over for her to handle, but until I buy the ring, I can't do that completely.""So go buy the ring, already. What the hell are you waiting for?" I looked up perplexed by his procrastination
I didn't have to keep my secret anywhere near as long as I thought I was going to. It hadn't happened yet, but when I got the call from Lissa, I grabbed the ring from Brett's dresser drawer. Neither Brett nor Dan knew it, but she would have a harder time with this than either of them believed. Over the last few weeks, she'd dropped comments about being sad the pregnancy was ending and that she'd miss having the baby with her all the time. I hadn't asked because I didn't want to know, but if I had to guess, Lissa had changed her mind about wanting children. "Hello?" I hadn't made it over to Lissa's to check on her yet. The bigger I got the slower I moved, but I loved every minute of being pregnant. I started working from home when Lissa hit thirty-five weeks just in case she needed anything. As a college professor, she'd chosen not to teach summer classes and had been done in late April."I keep peeing on myself." We'd had lots of these types of conversations. The things that hap
Before I could be coerced to share my secret, Dan and Brett joined us. They'd helped Meegan out, and the house was finally quiet. I got excited when Brett whispered in my ear to ask me where the ring was. I hadn't thought we would get to be a part of this, but maybe by some slim chance, Dan was going to let our family watch.I gave Brett the information and watched him walk off, returning moments later to give Dan the little box. With Lissa still on the couch, Dan took a seat on the coffee table. Brett sat on the arm rest of the chair I was in and put his arm around the baby and me.Dan's hands were so large they easily concealed the black box he had in them. I could tell he was nervous by the way his leg bounced, and he chewed on the inside of his cheek. I'd been all smiles and tears for hours, so my joy gave nothing away, and Lissa was completely clueless as to what was about to happen. Dan sat like every other guy, with his legs spread and his forearms propped on his thighs, and
Life changed overnight with the addition of Alissa to the household. I didn't believe it would be possible for Brett to love another female more than he did me, but that little girl was his life. From the moment he got up, to the moment he went to bed, if he was home, he was with her and wanted me nearby. Being pregnant with an infant isn't for the faint at heart, but if I was going to do it, Brett was the perfect partner to do it with. We were lying in bed, with me on his shoulder having just put Alissa in her crib. My belly rested on his side so he could rub it. I loved his hand caressing the child we couldn't wait to meet. The bigger I got, the harder it was to get near him, the sheer size of my belly preventing it, and I felt like I was smothering him. But he continuously pulled me to him, just like this. My eyes found his when I gazed up to meet them. He hesitated to take my lips, but when he did, it ignited electricity, and desire pooled between my legs. It had been far too lon
Six hours later, the doctor placed our baby in my arms. The exhaustion I'd felt minutes earlier, dissipated when I saw that sweet face. Chubby little rosy cheeks, a mat of dark brown hair, ten little fingers, ten little toes, and legs that went on forever. We had asked the doctor not to announce the sex of the baby. I had loved discovering that on my own with Alissa, and I wanted our own version of that with this child. Brett had humored me and allowed me to have my way, but I think he had enjoyed it with Alissa. There's something so different about that level of anticipation-it was the greatest high I'd ever known. The man had a heart of gold and the patience of Job. That conversation took place the same time he asked if I had thought about names. Again, we'd agreed we couldn't choose a name for the baby until we'd met him or her. The nurse encouraged me to open my gown to allow the baby to find my breast when I'd been allowed to get my bundle back. As I did, Brett joined me on the