I did something last night I'd never done before. I dreamed about the little girl who couldn't wait to meet her parents. We'd played in the grass, running, chasing butterflies, laughing, but we never spoke. She was older, but somehow, I knew she was mine. Maybe it was the dark, wavy hair that mimicked mine, or the way her bright green eyes glistened in the sun like Brett's, or possibly the sound of her laughter reminded me of my own-either way, I knew one of these babies was a little girl. A peace fell over me while I slept. It was still early, but the sun was trying to welcome the day, and I was overcome with excitement I couldn't contain. I dragged my foot up Brett's leg under the covers, trying to rouse him to wake. When he finally opened his eyes, I saw the same green I'd seen in my dream and couldn't contain the smile."You're in an awfully good mood this early in the morning." He yawned and stretched before bringing his arms back down and around me. Thick muscles pulled my bod
After enduring party planning with two pregnant women, one of whom had been incognito for weeks, I couldn't wait to have this soiree over and done with. Had I ever been involved in the planning of a wedding, I'm sure I never would have agreed to any of this, much less helped choreograph the gathering.Part of me wondered if Annie was making up for not having a reception by inviting everyone she'd ever known. She and Lissa had gone hog wild with the guest list, and everyone they invited said they were coming. There had been a blanket invitation issued at the DC, but I prayed to God Gray stayed away. Dan had gotten to him outside of work before I could. I doubted I'd ever know what was said, or what went down, but Gray hadn't bothered Annie since, nor had he spoken a word to Dan or me.The news of our surrogacy had spread rapidly through the DC, but we'd expected that when we invited people to Hooters. People had all kinds of opinions on the subject, but wisely, those who objected kept
The parking lot was packed. I offered to drop Annie off, so she didn't have to walk, but the moment she saw Gray's motorcycle near the door she refused to go in without me. I had hoped he had the sense to stay away, but that was wishful thinking. Hand in hand, I escorted my wife to the door. We'd rented out the entire restaurant for the night. It helped that Dan and I had gone to school with the General Manager, and he'd been in our fraternity.Lissa and Dan were the first to greet us. Lissa tugged at Annie's hand, unaware that Gray was here. I realized she'd never met him and wouldn't know him from Adam. I seriously doubted Dan pointed him out. Once those two were out of earshot, Dan started his warning."Gray's here. And he's been drinking. I talked to him, and he assured me he was here to celebrate with you guys. Swore up and down he wouldn't cause any problems. I didn't want to make an issue of it with so many people here from the DC, who weren't around during his tenure with you
Sitting at the light outside of Hooters, I watched Gray get on the back of his motorcycle. I couldn't believe he was dumb enough to ride in the condition he was in, or that no one had stopped him. When the light turned green, and I turned toward home, he pulled off and settled in behind us. Keeping my eyes on him and the road without alerting Annie or Lissa was proving to be difficult. Annie had just stopped crying, but I could still hear her sniffles, and Lissa hadn't said a word since I'd found them in the kitchen. There wasn't a safe way to ride drunk, it was even more dangerous than driving drunk. At least in a car, there was a layer of metal to act as a shield between your body and the asphalt, not so with a bike. I kept my speed to a minimum in an effort to keep him from going any faster. I shouldn't care if he smeared his brains across the interstate, but at this point, I just wanted to be home.In the second it took to glance at the road and return my gaze back to the rearvi
The lights and sounds that came barreling down the street assaulted me. The sirens pierced the otherwise silent night while Lissa and I sat staring at the scene unfolding in front of us. The sky was lit up in a prism of red, white, and blue. My head kept telling me something was wrong, but my heart refused to believe it. Less than two hundred yards in front of us lay Gray's Harley, and my husband had been on his knees with his back to us for far too long. Lissa hadn't said anything, and neither had I. My lungs ejected one ragged breath after another as the road filled with emergency workers-fire trucks, ambulances, and police cars circled the epicenter of chaos. The only two men alive I'd ever loved were both inside that ring of lights, and I couldn't sit idly by wondering if one of them was hurt. I was pissed Gray had pulled the shit he had tonight, but I'd never forgive myself if anything happened to him.Ignoring my husband's request, I unbuckled my seatbelt and opened the door.
Devastation didn't begin to describe what consumed me at that moment, or maybe it did. Standing in the rain, I wasn't aware of anything around me. It might have been the water or the fact my brain was overloaded and stopped functioning hours earlier. I knew he wasn't there, but I couldn't help myself. The guilt weighed heavily on my conscience as I traced the top of the family's marker. My legs quivered as I lowered myself onto the ground, kneeling above his body with my hands pressed into the freshly turned earth. Everyone else had either left or stepped away. Gray's mom was nearby, as was Brett, but I'd ended up here alone to say goodbye. There were likely people watching, and those who thought it was inappropriate, but I laid down on my side, with my temple to the cool dirt below and let the tears slip away. From my face to the ground, they instantly disappeared, as though they were insignificant and meaningless. I wanted to believe if I laid there long enough, somehow, I could re
When we walked in the door, I went to our room to change out of the dirty clothes I had on and take a warm shower in an effort to escape the chill that had settled into my bones. When I got out, I stood before Brett in a towel, wrapped my arms around his waist, and pressed my ear to his heart. He kissed the top of my head, and I felt the warmth and love he always gave. I needed to get lost in him, to numb the pain and accept the comfort he was offering. "Brett, can I wear one of your T-shirts?" He nodded slightly and moved to the dresser to grab one. I expected him to hand it to me, but instead, he took the towel from around me and let it fall to the floor and then helped me into the shirt. And I shimmied on a pair of panties. "Do you want some shorts? I doubt they'll stay up on you, but maybe boxers would work." He got that I wanted to be close to him, even if it was just clothing.Shaking my head, I answered, "I just want to sleep. Will you lie down with me?" His hand found mine
As much as I hated moving, myself or anyone else, I was grateful to have my best friend and his girlfriend relocating next door. The weeks since Gray's death had been hard on all of us, especially Annie, and having her running back and forth from work to Lissa's house and then home was too much. When she hit her second trimester, it was like she became narcoleptic. I worried she would fall asleep driving, but Lissa was even further along. I didn't want either one of them running around without Dan or me, but telling two pregnant women they needed to stay put was a recipe for an argument.Dan and I had been working a ton of overtime to cover Gray's shifts while we looked for a replacement, so the move had come at a particularly difficult time, but I was afraid if we didn't handle it the girls would take it upon themselves to do more than they should. Annie had been helping Lissa pack, but even that was difficult because neither of them could lift anything. I'd encouraged Annie to stay
Our story didn't stop at the courthouse. We had dinner with Brett and Annie that night and hovered around their kitchen table. My best friends allowed me to share Joshua with them and gave life to his memory. I showed them the only pictures I still had while holding Alissa in my arms. She smiled up at me as if she knew. That tiny human connected with me on a level she may never understand, but somehow, she knew-without Joshua, she wouldn't be here. Watching her run around with her friends as we celebrated her birth five years later, I couldn't help but think how foolish it would have been to walk away from all of this. Dan and I would never have children, but what we had was far better for us. Annie and Brett were more like siblings than friends, and their kids were amazing. We got to spoil them, take them anywhere we wanted, and send them home. We had family at holidays and special occasions, and we never missed out on anything either Grayson or Alissa were doing. But at the end of
I had called repeatedly, but each try had gone straight to voicemail. Either his phone was off, or it died without being charged overnight. I didn't want to speculate about which it was. I drove as quickly as I could and slammed the SUV in park in the first spot I could find before racing into the courthouse. I followed the signs to the Justice of the Peace, but when I reached the office, completely out of breath, Dan was nowhere to be found. The clock on the wall read 10:11 am. My eyes scanned the room, making sure to identify each person as a stranger before moving on to the next face. Surely, he hadn't left after ten minutes. He had to know I'd come. A guy slammed into my shoulder in his haste to rush out of the office, not even bothering to apologize for nearly knocking me over. But standing stock-still in the middle of the doorway probably wasn't the best idea. I just couldn't believe he'd left. I waited for hours for Matt to show up at the hospital, but Dan hadn't waited ten lo
My night had been restless, and just as quiet as the evening after Dan and I had gotten out of the bathtub. He left after dinner and went to Brett's house, but I didn't have the courage to ask him what he'd done while he was there. He returned in the same mood he'd left in, the one he was known for. To an outsider, he appeared unwavering-but I knew with time to think about it, he'd decide he couldn't stay."Did you want to get a new dress for tomorrow?" "For what?""To go to the courthouse? Or do you want to do the whole thing off the wall and wear jeans?" He kept unloading the dishwasher like he had asked what I needed from the grocery store. "I didn't think we were still doing that?" Maybe he'd taken up drinking.He turned toward me suddenly, dropping a dishtowel he'd used to dry his hands with. "What are you talking about? You said Monday. Tomorrow is Monday.""Dan...""No, don't Dan me. Has something changed that you don't want to marry me now?"Oh, for the love of God. I
I stood in the spot he left me in when he returned with towels from the dryer. He set them on the counter, turned off the water in the now full tub, and removed his clothes. I watched in a trance until he was before me with nothing on. With my hand in his, he stepped over the side of the bathtub and then helped me in. The garden tub was made for two, and I nestled myself between his legs while he leaned back. The bubbles created a cover, hiding our bodies except for the parts of us not under the water. My fingers fidgeted nervously with the white foam until he took my hand and wound his fingers between mine.He might have been waiting for me to start, but I didn't know what to say. The silence was painful, and I ran through the scenarios of how this might play out...none of which ended well."What was his name?" The words of inquiry fanned out against my skin like a warm blanket. They were gentle and softly spoken, inviting me to open up about a piece of me I hadn't shared with anyon
We walked into the sanctuary with two minutes to spare. Brett quickly found Dan, and Annie was in a tizzy. Alissa was nestled into a cradle her dad had created with his arm completely unaffected by her father's helpless panic. "Dude, slow down. What's wrong?"I held Dan's hand in front of Brett, but Alissa had my attention. Just as Brett started to answer Dan's question, Annie came around the corner. Her face was flush, and if I had to bet, I'd say she was roughly two minutes from pulling her hair out.I hadn't heard anything Brett said to my fiancé. The moment Annie got close enough, I saw why she was distressed. Grayson had spit up all over his christening gown...and it stunk, even from here.People started to fill the pews. "What do you need me to do, Annie?"Brett stepped in, suddenly relieved and in control. "Nothing. We're good. Dan went to get stuff out of the car."My brow scrunched in confusion. I had no idea what was going on or how Dan was helping."Seriously, Lissa.
The time on my phone couldn't be right. There was no way it was a quarter to eight. Somehow in my haste to get to sleep I either hadn't turned on my alarm or had turned it off an hour ago when it rang. I threw the covers back and practically fell out of bed. The thud of my body on the floor woke Dan whose concern, while well intended, only slowed my progress out the door."Let me go. I have fifteen minutes to get to Annie's house, and I had planned to shower before I went."He didn't relinquish his grasp on me once he got up. "Lissa, calm down. You aren't going to do anyone any good in a panic." I relaxed until I felt the tension in his arms subside and then made my break. "I'll be back. Can you get the gifts out of the closet and throw them in the bags on the kitchen counter? There's tissue paper there, too.""Sure, where are they?"I raced around tearing my pajamas off to put on a bra and some real clothes. As much as I loved Brett, I wasn't interested in him seeing any more of
"You look like shit, Lissa. Did you have a baby that keeps you up at night, and I missed it?"I swung my attention to Annie to find her giggling to herself. "You don't look so hot yourself, heifer." The wink I shot her direction ensured she saw my playfulness. "I haven't slept all that well the last couple nights." I didn't need to tell her why."Bad dreams?" She'd become a pro at this whole parenting gig. She never missed a beat with either kid and managed to hold completely coherent, adult conversations while breastfeeding one and changing the other. Anyone else would need more hands but not Annie Ryann. "I don't know what it is. Just not getting a lot of rest."She stopped what she was doing and gave me the eye. The one that told me she didn't believe a word I said. I scooped Alissa up and ignored her."Spill it.""There's nothing to spill. I'm just not sleeping well.""Are you nervous about getting married?"Her question was natural, based on the fact that event loomed jus
I'd spent most of the summer with Annie, Alissa, and Grayson while Dan and Brett worked. As my vacation neared its end, I got excited about returning to work. I couldn't wait to be around my students again and the music. I dreaded seeing Rob, but hopefully, he'd be somewhat human now that some time had passed. I hadn't heard from him in the time I'd been off except for the email he sent out to the department today about meetings over the next couple weeks. It would be strange being away from the kids. Annie and I were more like co-mothers, with her taking the lead and the long nights. But I'd spent several of those with her as well. I knew how exhausting one infant was...I couldn't leave her alone with two, and Brett still had to work. Maybe it was an excuse to feel like I was an important part of their lives and their team. Maybe it gave me a piece of what I'd lost years earlier. Either way, I found myself having to be pried away from them. When I told Annie to let me know if I got
The addition of Alissa Danielle to our tribe had been profound. I loved being able to walk across the driveway to relieve my friend in the morning so she could shower, take a nap, or whatever else she was in the mood to do. I didn't care what it was. I'd help her with laundry, cleaning, anything to keep her from experiencing the sleep deprivation that had caused the end of the world I knew. It was twice as bad for her because with each passing day, she became more pregnant and less able to move...or stay awake. I took advantage of the time she granted me with Alissa and tried to maintain the bond the two of us shared. I knew it would change over time, but I hoped as she grew older it would strengthen in different ways. I wanted to be her friend, her confidant, her second mom. In the few weeks she'd been alive, Dan and I both had fallen head over heels for her. But at the end of each day, we got to go next door, have sex as loudly as we wanted to, stay out until all hours of the night