There was no doubt in my mind Gray and I were meant to be together, always. Some unseen force, a connection neither of us could define but was undeniably there, bound us. There weren't words to define my depth of emotion for him, nor were there words to define why, when I felt this way, and knew he did, that I still sensed a nagging need for distance from him.Since I'd moved back in with him two months ago, I'd done everything imaginable to please him. If he asked me to go out with him and his friends, I dropped what I was doing, including schoolwork, to go. I cooked dinner every night, although neither of us denied my culinary prowess needed some work, but I tried. I was always completely available to him, both physically and emotionally. His friends liked me; he loved me, but he didn't seem to be able to escape that feeling that gnawed at him. It was almost like a claustrophobic panic-he tried to hide it, but I knew him too well for him to keep that kind of secret. The irony was, I
I knew when I walked in, and he saw my bloodshot, puffy eyes, he would assume it was depression related. Anytime I'd had a bad day since he found the prescription, that's where it always went-my depression. Another reason I'd kept my secret-I could no longer have an off day without someone believing I needed to be admitted.He was sitting on the couch in deep thought when I walked in. He zoned in on my eyes and his squinted just slightly in anger-he didn't think I'd been crying-he thought I was high. I hadn't done drugs since the day I'd left Scarlett's, but that's where his mind had gone."Hey, Bird Dog. How was your day?" I shrugged before plopping down on the couch next to him. He lifted his arm, I tucked my body into his side, and the emotion poured out. We sat in silence for quite a while. He allowed me the time I needed to unload, something I rarely did. He folded his arm up to press my head against his chest and kissed me on the forehead. "What's wrong, sweetheart?" I pu
Gray walked into the apartment a few minutes after seven, and I was camped out in my usual spot at the kitchen table working on my computer. I glanced over at him when he opened the door but said nothing. I knew how bad I looked and his stare confirmed it. My face was completely washed out, void of any color except the dark circles that surrounded my eyes. When he closed the door, he announced, "We need to talk, Annie," before he sat down at the table. My only acknowledgment was a slight nod. I didn't speak, so he did. "Robbie, Turtle, and Topher are on their way over here to get your stuff. You might want to call Jenny and see if you can stay with her until you figure out what you're going to do. Since most of your furniture is in storage, there won't be much for you to move." I raised my eyebrows at him, my eyes watered, but I refused to let the tears fall. I would not cry over him...not in front of him. There wouldn't be an argument, and he knew I wouldn't try to plead my case
I couldn't find the strength to say anything to Gray during the "incident," which was what I had taken to calling it. I wouldn't refer to it as his kicking me out, although that was exactly what he'd done, with no warning or place to go. Thank God for Jenny. She never asked what happened and knowing her, she wouldn't. She had always been that friend who simply accepted who you were. If you wanted to talk, she'd listen, but she would never pry. I texted her when Gray had answered the door to let in his goons. I wasn't mad at them just embarrassed they had been there. Gray could have told me, and I would have left without involving other people, but I think he needed his friends there to ensure he went through with it.Of course, Jenny had said to bring my ass to her house, so that's where I'd gone, with Sean following. Upon arrival, he got out of his truck and helped me drag my things into Jenny's tiny apartment. I followed him out but had no idea what to say, so I'd gone with the only
Thinking back, my graduation party had been the moment of truth. I moved out of Jenny's apartment that same weekend and had time alone where I did nothing but analyze my relationship with Gray over the past couple years. I'd forced myself to acknowledge Gray and I were really done. It was a painful realization, but I resigned myself to accept it, surrendered to the disappointment. When it hit me, my heart felt as though it had lost its ability to beat. It kept constricting but never released, painfully tightening in my chest. I missed him, and there was no joy left in my life. A whopping hole of blackness crept in. Gray took my desire to live. I wasn't suicidal; I was completely apathetic. I couldn't find the energy to wash my hair, had no yearning for company, no craving for food; I couldn't even be roused by drugs-Jenny had tried. Living on my own again, my friends allowed me time to grieve, initially, but after two months of doing nothing but going to work, Jenny and Lynn intervened
That night started a slow progression toward a relationship. True to his word, I woke up the next morning to a voicemail from Brett asking me to call him. As I cleared the sleep from my eyes, my smile widened at the thought of seeing him. I glanced at the clock, realized it was almost eleven, and pressed send to return his call.That first night set the tone for all of our dates. They weren't always so formal, thank God, or I would've had to replace my entire wardrobe and hire a hairstylist, but they were always filled with intellectually stimulating conversation and mutual respect. Books, current events, the opera, theater, foreign films, Brett never ceased to amaze me with his knowledge or love for the arts. I was fascinated by the things Brett had an interest in-things we shared in common. I was an avid reader, voracious by any account, and he rivaled my knowledge of literature; he'd seen just as many musicals and plays as I had and rattled off a list of his favorite soloists he'd
All of my friends had known about Gray getting engaged, but none of them wanted to be the one to share that tidbit with me. When I brought it up to Lynn and Jenny, they both indicated they knew, but were afraid of how I would take the news. They thought it would be easier for me to handle hearing it from Brett. I didn't ask Lynn about the timeframe for Gray leaving his wife. There's no way she couldn't have known, but at this point, it didn't matter. Starting an argument over something that took place three years ago wouldn't change any of it. And Gray wasn't worth losing a friend over. She'd proven herself time and again since then-I believed that was more important.It dawned on me how fragile my friends all believed I was. I guess in retrospect, that was what I had portrayed to them in the months after Gray and I split, but damn, that was a long time ago. I thought my progress had been as visible outwardly as it felt inwardly, but I guess sometimes it takes longer for other people
Three months to the day after he had proposed, Gray was in a church in Easley, South Carolina on a gorgeous September day. I pictured him standing there waiting for the ceremony to begin and imagined how dapper he'd look in a tuxedo. I had desperately wanted to go with Brett, had even talked to my psychiatrist about it, but in the end, my doctor and I agreed I had no business being there. Brett left an hour ago in a beautiful gray suit, and I hoped he hadn't seen the sadness in my eyes when he hugged me. This was the ending of an era. This was the final culmination of several pivotal years of my life. Gray was marrying another woman. I wanted him to be happy and have all his dreams come true, but it was a bitter pill to swallow that it was someone else. I didn't want Gray the way I had two years ago, but I had always wanted Gray to want me back. The thought that I would get to reject him at some point had carried me through some really low times, but this would end that sadistic fant