Chapter Ninety-Eight: Heart's Dilemma/ Merging for Connection

X’s Point of View

Just as I had done with Kaz, I guided Lillianna toward the light. It was effortless with Kaz; I respected the Don and enjoyed his company. However, I couldn't stand Lillianna. Yet, there was a glimmer of something in her that I couldn't ignore. After she crossed over to the light completely, I turned to leave.

"You're not coming with me, are you?" she asked.

"No," I replied.

"Will we ever meet again?" Lillianna's voice trembled with emotion.

"Not if I have any say in it," I responded sharply.

“I loved him, you know. In my own way, I loved Xavier. And maybe, just maybe, he could have loved me back,” Lillianna revealed.

“But you knew his heart was devoted to someone else, yet you persisted in your pursuit of him. He was never yours to claim. While Xavier may have shared his body with you, his heart always belonged to Rei. And it always will,” I retorted.

“You love Rei. I can't quite comprehend who or what you are, but I recognize that feeling of loving someone you can never have,” Lillianna spoke quietly.

“I understand the pain all too well, and I apologize X. Even if you don't believe me now, I still hope that you can let her go when the time comes – if it hasn't already,” Lillianna added with sincerity.

“Goodbye, Lillianna,” I whispered and turned to leave.

I could feel her gaze on me as I walked away. I wanted to explain everything to her, to make her understand why I couldn’t let go of Rei. But I knew she wouldn’t be able to comprehend it. She couldn’t grasp the depth of love that made you willing to sacrifice parts of yourself just to protect and care for someone. The bond between Lillianna and Xavier was not built on the same kind of love, and she would never understand that. Not even in death.

Lost in my thoughts, I reentered the waking world. As much as it pained me to admit, Lillianna was right. I did love Rei, but she would never fully be mine. She was destined for Xavier. And yet, she belonged to me in a way, too. We could both have her if I were willing to merge with Xavier and give up my identity. After ten years apart from him and creating a life with Rei, I didn't know if I could make such a sacrifice or even if I wanted to. If I did, Xavier would be complete, and Rei would have all of him. But I would cease to exist in the process.

The thought of letting her go and starting a new life without Xavier and Rei was both liberating and terrifying. If I left, Xavier would never be whole without me. And as much as I loved Rei, I knew deep down that I could never love anyone else the way I loved her. It was an impossible decision to make. No matter which path I chose, there would be pain and loss.

I shut my eyes and focused on finding her. The next moment, I stood in their bedroom, looking over Rei as she slept soundly in Xavier's embrace. Their hair was damp, indicating they had just taken a shower together. Both of them were peacefully asleep, their chests rising and falling rhythmically. It seemed as though they knew the danger of Lillianna was no more. Jakub had caught and dealt with Emmanuel, eliminating any immediate threats to Rei, Xavier, or the children.

I often wonder what it would be like to hold her in reality, not just in my dreams. To know that she wouldn't have to leave me when she woke up, and I could physically be with her instead of watching from afar. It would mean becoming a part of her life in every sense, not just in theory. But would I be willing to let go of myself and return to Xavier so I could also be with Rei?

And then I thought about the kids. I’d watched Shiloh, Onyx and Salem grow up. I’d protected them as best I could, but it was really only Rei that I could be with. If I merged once more with Xavier, I could have the relationship with them that I always wanted. I closed my eyes and when I opened them, I was with the children.

"They've been gone for a while. Maybe we should check on them?" Salem asked.

"No!" Onyx and Shiloh exclaimed simultaneously, looking appalled.

I chuckled at their reaction.

"But what if they fell and got hurt? We should go see," Salem insisted, his expression determined.

This would not end well.

"Salem, don't you get annoyed when Mom tries to interrupt your alone time?" Onyx questioned.

"Well yeah, but I'm a kid. It's different," Salem argued as he stormed out of the room.

He walked with purpose until he reached me and stopped. A strange look crossed his face as he looked directly at me. He couldn't physically see me, but somehow he knew I was there. And he wasn't afraid.

I knelt down in front of him and placed my hand on his shoulder. Though I could speak aloud, I knew he wouldn't hear me or understand me. So instead, I spoke to him telepathically.

They need their privacy. Give them some space to talk. They're not fighting, and Xavier isn't going anywhere. Despite all the chaos happening around us, you are safe and you are not alone.

Tears filled Salem's eyes as he touched my hand with his own.

"If I leave them alone, will you stay too?" he whispered softly.

He could see me. After all this time, Salem could finally see me.

“Do you want me to stay?” I whispered back.

“Of course. You’ve always just watched us. I couldn’t see you until now. You’re very shiny you know,” Salem said.

“What do you see when you look at me?” I asked, curious.

“You don’t really look like anything. You’re just… shiny. It’s sparkly and nice. You’re like a warm hug. So are you staying? Because if you are, I know I don’t need to worry about Mama and Xavier. I think you’ll keep all of us safe if you stay,” Salem answered.

He wasn’t wrong. I sighed. I guess I knew what my answer was.

“Salem who are you talking to?” Shiloh groaned.

“You know that you’re too old for imaginary friends now, right?” Onyx asked, worry seeping into his voice.

Salem turned around and just glared at them.

“You think I don’t remember you talking about Mr. Shiny when you were little? I just heard you refer to him again. Are you okay, Salem?” Onyx asked, his face contorted in dismay.

“Leave him alone or he will go and pound on their bedroom door until they come out,” Shiloh warned her brother.

“Fine, but Salem stays on the couch. Back to the video game, Aunt Grace will be up and you know how she feels about screen time,” Onyx groaned.