“Can you even do that?... Stay out of trouble, I mean?” I ask in utter seriousness, given Dane, who I know is always in trouble. “I have the motive to learn….after tying myself to the school good girl for the considerable future, I am in very real danger of becoming single otherwise, and I am only discovering the joys of a girlfriend. I have to learn fast how to behave.” He jests, loosening his hold to slide his hand back down to mine to return to our previous position to tug me towards the water. “As long as you remember, the goal is you being a better human and student and not corrupting me.” I point out, sass returning now my moment of doubt is passing.“Never…I happen to like you the way you are….even if I know for a fact you probably don’t even know what beer tastes like, need careful handling most of the time, and own zero sexy lingerie.”“Hey,” I slap out at him for what seems to be an insult, getting triggered by his immature chuckle as he dodges me and jumps away. Letting g
“You look tired.” Elisa slides down beside me in our first class of the day, given she told me not to wait for her this morning as she was running late. Seemingly fresh and bright-eyed this morning, I am wafted with a new subtle banana smell that has me smiling. It’s been a while since she created something new and I was starting to think Tyler had made her lose her mojo.“I didn’t get much sleep…I am so wiped out today.” I add, turning to sniff her appreciatively and grin hard when she produces a bottle right in front of my face. Small and yellow, a spray pump with a lemon liquid inside and a cutesy banana logo she obviously designed. Elisa takes great care in every part of product design.“It’s a body mist. Try it and let me know what you think. Especially how long it lasts.” Elisa settles down to unpack, satisfied with my eager nod, and I stop what I am doing to examine the little bottle, pop off the lid, and spray myself eagerly.It’s like drenching yourself in the best parts of a
“You’re mad? Upset? Is it because of Maria? Nothing is happening there…. I told you not to take anything to heart that happens at school. We’re just being who we normally are. You are the girl I like and want. Nothing changes that. Xxx”His words break me down further, a wave of real, heartfelt tears at my foolishness drowning me. It’s like he found exactly the right words to catch the free-running, insecure bunny in my chest and pushed it back down its dark hole.Dane being so sweet and trying to soothe me from afar has me all kinds of messed up, and I wallow in shame and hurt, allowing myself a few seconds to cry.Even while gulping down stilted sobs and sniffing to control the worst of my breakdown, I try to type some coherent response, knowing for sure now I am being dumb. Desperate to explain to him because now he feels guilty for me being an idiot.“You called her Babe…. Yesterday you….. I start typing, then stop myself and genuinely pause, halting the flow of tears to ask myse
Balling a fist in my mouth to stifle a yawn and arching my back to get the creaks out from being hunched over for an hour in chemistry, I head down the hall with the last bell ringing overhead. Elisa left early for her dental today, so as kids woosh past me, chaotically escaping the building, I head down the lesser-used back hall. I’m too tired for the after-bell pushing and need some quiet time to get home and maybe take a night off.I have the shelter today, but I’m not feeling it and seriously think for the first time in forever, I might call in sick, get into bed with snacks and binge on a Netflix show. I’m emotionally and physically spent, and today, after the whole ‘Babe’ drama has me feeling dead.This is the stairwell I used the day Dane hauled me into the cleaner’s cupboard, but I know he won’t be lurking today. I’ve seen him off and on after this morning’s weird episode and we were better. Normal. His last class was one we don’t share today, and he's probably already out on
I am making myself feel sick with the churning over of this and pat myself down for my cell to text Elisa. Not that she will know what to do and might even be in her dental appointment. She was having her braces adjusted today. I just need someone to calm me down and distract me from these overwhelming thoughts.A tap on my passenger door scares the crap out of me, and I jump as my heart punches into my throat. Almost choking me. Scaring me half to death before it’s yanked open and Dane slides in, coolly, looking and acting like this is nothing more than a casual hello.“I wasn't sure you would wait, given how mad you seemed.” He brushes off the electrifying mood he just walked into with an airy statement that gets me screwing my eye up at him. At his unbotheredness.Is he really this bare-faced?I stare at him, aware my face is cold, meaning I'm probably unnaturally pale due to the blood draining down to my toes, and I know I have a glassy shine to my eyes like I might cry. I can fee
I stare at him in stunned quiet for a long moment, seeing Dane with fresh eyes. Trying to piece together the things he said and if they were true. Taking in that infuriating ‘ I don’t give a shit’ shrug and seeing that Dane is still Dane. He does not care about the heaviness of what he said or that protecting someone he wasn't even friends with was heroic. Deep down, he has always been that boy I thought was lost to me…staring me in the face in plain sight, even behind that mask of an asshole.“So today?” I finally manage to push out, my heart aching and swelling with a different kind of pain. Truly needing to understand what I saw if it was all a façade and he never did anything with her. What were they talking about?“She’s grateful. She wanted to tell me so… That’s all it was. A thank you for being a good guy and a promise not to ruin my street cred by telling people I was nice.” Dane shrugs again like it is nothing to him but a mere inconvenience, yet my brain is twisting and chur
“Yeah, that was the goal…. Piss off my dad, your mom….make you hate me and stay away. I got caught in the act and got used to being that guy that I never thought to clarify, but the babe thing made me realize we should probably talk about this…. Set some things straight.”“So, was all of it an act? The tattoos, the piercings, the clothes…the bike…is any of that real? Or was it all just to get at us?” I'm suddenly woeful, and yet what's even more confusing is the broken pain in my heart that feels like grieving someone. Maybe the whole sex thing is a relief, but the rest of it…the Dane I thought I hated, if it’s all fake, then who is he now? “Do I even know you?”“No…. It’s not an act. Yeah, some of it was rebellion, but it’s who I was comfy as. I dunno….. it's hard to pull out the parts that were deliberate gunshots aimed at my dad’s heart. I wasn't going out of my way to be that person. I just let rumors circulate and didn’t care about defending myself.”“Is that why you have stopped
Wandering into the kitchen, hauling off my backpack, I spot Monique by the sink as she washes out some dishes and smile with genuine warmth. This woman is the living, breathing depiction of a mother I have ever known, and seeing her every day when I come brings me so much joy and security that I never really appreciated before. Lately, I am starting to feel it.“Hey….. “ I turn, dumping my bag on the nearest stool. Very aware Dane would be following me as his bike pulled up right as I walked in the door. Trying to act as normal as possible as I go raking in the refrigerator and not keeping one eye on the door to see him. “Don’t cook for me tonight. I’m going to come looking when I’m hungry. I have homework, and then I'm going to vegetate in bed and sleep early. I’m not going to the shelter.”“Oh, why not, my little princess?” Monique turns with her overdramatic etch of concern creasing over her entire face. “Are you sick? Do you need me to fetch you some medicines? Do we need the doct
Here I am, wallowing in pain and heartbreak, thinking that he, too, must be having a really hard time. It’s the only comfort I have been able to give myself in all of this, and yet it’s not even true. He’s over there living it up with another girl, making friends, and even going to school with her. The fact no one wants to tell me means it’s far from innocent, and I don’t want to believe he would move on so fast, yet something tells me this is his style.This is exactly the kind of shit Dane of the past would pull.Didn’t he try throwing all in with that shrew Charmaigne in an attempt to dislodge my feelings for him? Maybe knowing we can never be together, he has gone down the route of replacing me as fast as he can. Don’t they say the faster way to get over someone is to get under someone new?He slept with other girls in his past to try and forget me, and now here he has a ready-made wannabe girlfriend living in his new home. If he really wanted to get over me, she is the perfect st
School was tougher today than yesterday. I think it’s the inability to sleep and the slow loss of Dane’s belongings and possessions at home, feeling like I am trying to grasp onto fine dry sand and can’t keep it between my fingers. Every time I close my eyes, I see him, and the overwhelming sadness stops me from being able to shut off my brain and roll over this mess again and again until I feel like I'm going slowly insane.I never knew love could be so awful.“You okay?” Elisa interrupts my spaced-out mood and pulls me back to the burger in my hand that I have barely touched. Sighing as I stare back out the window blankly at my jeep parked nearby and nod.“A million miles away. Sorry.”We decided to come out and eat after we dropped off my paternity test at the lab out here, only ten miles from home. Tyler had something to do with his friends, so Elisa and I decided to hang out here, take in some scenery, and try a burger bar to take my mind off of things.It wasn't hard. I put a sw
“I know, I know…I’m working on it. I never thought your mom would take it as badly as she is and dig her heels in. I’m sorry it seems like we’re stalling but it’s just you know how she can be. She needs time to calm down and change her mind.” Bryan looks weary all of a sudden, and now my anger dims a slight tiny fraction at his attempts to douse my fire, I cannot deny that he seems unnaturally pale today.A tiny hint of empathy and maybe even concern peeks out, and I try and push it back down into the pits of hell and remind myself that these two humans deserve anything they are going through. I don’t want to feel anything for either of them.“Maybe you should ask yourself why she is stalling….maybe you need that test as much as I do.” I point out, appraising his expression and seeing real fatigue etched on his face for the first time in as long as I can remember, and I wonder how much of a mental toll it's taking on him, too. Maybe he does have doubts, or maybe losing Dane this way h
I’m tired already, and it’s only eleven AM, and another class is starting. I regret coming back today, given last night I barely slept and instead cried myself raw on Dane's empty bed. Draped in the hoody that he wore the first time we took Elisa to the cove and staring at the mountain of boxes Monique packed up to send abroad for him. A symbolic tower of everything that is him ready to be sent far away.His room felt like she had stripped all personality that was Dane from its very air, as though he never existed in this space. Even his smell was gone, and as I lay there on the uncovered mattress, I couldn’t move or leave, and sleep wouldn’t take me. Just a useless heavyweight of flesh tethered to the last place he dwelled and unable to move on.I feel like I am now existing in an eternal zombie state, caught between numb and excruciating pain at any given moment, and my mind is anywhere but on school. But I know I cannot keep existing this way. Dragging out and holding onto nothing.
“She went to the airport early to wait for Bryan…to avoid me, I guess. Things here have been strained and hard, and we have come to a silent cold war. I can’t stand being in the same place as her, yet she insists now we eat together again and won’t let me stay locked up in my room. She had a carpenter come and remove the locks….who does that?” It’s a tired accusation, lacking real vavoom, even if it still angers me that she did it. I have long since lost the fight I had to stay away from her at all costs. She is like a buzzing fly around my head, and it’s easier to obey and eat silently while ignoring her presence than have her hammering down my door.If she’s trying to force normalcy back into this house, then she shouldn’t hold her breath for it to happen.“Sounds like something your mom would do.” Tyler snorts, and I am starting to see that all these years, Dane has definitely colored his friend’s view of my mom. As polite as Tyler was when he was here before, I have never actually
“Oh my god, I missed you so much.” Elisa catapults herself into my arms, almost knocking me into our pool with the enthusiasm of an over-excited puppy, then nearly strangles me to death while simultaneously crushing my ribs. Her excitement is palpable, and her hug is overdue. I regret now giving her the silent treatment for ten days before being able to find the mental strength to tell her everything in a phone call. I had no way of verbalizing things without breaking down in hysteria until last night, and I knew Tyler would have told her already, but she needed to hear it from me. I have never gone silent on my best friend in my whole life or hidden away Dane style like his, but I needed time to process and grieve. This was such a huge thing that I spent too many days crying in bed until no more tears fell. I am exhausted and now exist in some odd dreamlike reality where nothing seems real.I think I am finally spent. Tears have dried up, and instead of the constant agonizing pain of
“You have to eat, open the door. We need to talk.”“Go away…. Leave me alone.” My anger and venom have not dissipated any; instead, it grows by the hour. Irritated by my mom’s lingering presence because she just won’t leave me alone.Her whiny, pleading voice only riles fresh anger in me, and I throw my pillow at my bedroom door in frustration. Annoyed by her presence, and go back to staring at my cell, waiting for a reply that hasn’t come. I feel like I am going silently insane, and time has come to a standstill. I don’t know what else to do but sit here and wait given my entire existence has been turned upside down and my hope for any future is so far away I cannot reach him.Dane has been gone for days, yet he hasn’t called, he hasn’t texted me back, and Bryan has been silent, too, like they were sucked into some soundproofed bubble where all contact has ceased. For me, anyway. I don’t know if my mother speaks to them because I can't stomach her at all, even for a second, to have o
“Bullshit…this is bullshit. You’re lying.” Dane erupts before I can really swallow down the words that have wounded me with a sucker punch to my heart. “You’ve always hated me, and I wouldn’t put it past you to stoop this low and lie….so I break up with Kayla.” He half yells, half accuses, straining forward to get in her face, and I can taste the growing despair and anger circling him like a cyclone. “I don’t believe you.”“This isn’t true…you would have told me…dad would have….” I trail off, whimpering the words as something clicks in my head and slices through me with speed and severity, making my legs tingle, and my limbs grow weak. “Is that why? Why has he been this way towards me for the past ten years?”I don’t want to believe this or swallow it down, but it’s like something just smacked me in the head and woke up the underlying doubts.It races through my brain and thunders through my entire body like a shocking cold wall of ice. Tingling my brain through my scalp, and even my
“Mom.” Is the only word I can gasp out as I push Dane off me at speed and scramble to right my bra inside my shirt and haul my shorts back into place. Shame flushing over my entire body that we just got caught this way, and I want the ground to open and swallow me. Mortified about what they saw us doing and yet, at the same time, hitting an all-time ‘oh shit’ moment because I don’t want this to be the end. I don’t want Dane to be sent to London. I don’t want to lose him this way.I have an urge to wail and run away, taking him with me rather than face the wrath of our parents like this. My limbs are already trembling in cold fear.Dane shifts away quickly, too, to tend to his pulled-around outfit, turning away directly to probably calm the boner, causing him an obvious trouser tent, and yet it’s like time stands still. The sudden eery, heavy atmosphere and tense silence as though the world has hushed and the only noise is my mother’s subtle simpering.Our parents are standing like a f