CHAPTER 1

Judith’s POV

“Where’s the groom?”

“It's running late; we can't spend the whole day here without anything happening.” The people in the crowd murmured and complained, with heavy frowns on their faces. 

“Will the wedding still hold, or have I been dumped?” That was the only thought going through my head as I stood on the altar. Whispers were flying around, adding to the discomfort I already felt. I knew what was going through the minds of the guests seated in the beautiful Holy Trinity Anglican Church in Rome.

It's amazing that I had the presence of mind to observe the structure and interior of the church in such a situation. If not for the presence of so many people, I would have wanted to give myself a round of applause. At least I proved that people can still spare their energy for other things in extremely stressful situations. So... why is my fiancé not returning messages or showing up? 

The head officiating minister walked towards me. “We are running really late, Judith; I'd have canceled this whole thing hours ago if you weren't a devoted member of this church,” he whispered angrily before dashing out almost immediately.

“I'm sure he is almost here,"  I confidently said, but deep down, I didn't even know what was going on. 

Today has always been the day I have looked forward to all my life—me getting married to the man of my dreams—but it seems like I've lost it all and it's on the brink of ruin. 

I struggled in my huge wedding dress and looked over the huge church windows for the hundredth time. I ran my eyes across the fancy wall clock. It’s almost noon, and my groom isn't here yet. It's two hours past the scheduled time for our wedding ceremony.

I kept reassuring everybody that he'd be there soon, but in reality, I had no way to reach him. As I turned over to look back inside the church, I saw my best friend and chief bridesmaid, Vanessa, walk towards me. 

"Hey, Judith”. The look she gave me depicted sadness and disappointment. “I have tried calling Felix and some of his friends, but their phones aren’t connecting. I don't know, but I'm certain they probably got stuck in traffic and should be here soon.”

“Soon, Vanessa?” I repeated. “It’s almost 12 p.m., and look at the seats—they are almost empty; some of the guests have already left." Anger was already brewing in me. 

She looked around and said, “I just hope they are fine." She moved closer and drew me into a warm hug.

I saw Felix in the early hours of today, and for some unknown reason, both his presence and action made me feel somewhat uneasy, but I just waved it off, thinking it was the wedding stress that had put him in bad shape.

No matter how good things are worth waiting for, are love and weddings also the same? I waited for years to find the man, and I was really sure of his love and unwavering support. Am I supposed to wait for hours on the altar too? I’m sure this is not how it’s done for other women; their groom will probably be the one waiting for them instead.

“Why am I so unlucky with everything?” I lamented inwardly and cleaned up the tears that escaped from my eyes. 

At this time, my tightly held heart seemed to relax a little. Perhaps all this is just my over-anxiety. Perhaps he really happened to be trapped by something. I should wait for the solution, and I shouldn't try to allow the situation to cloud my sense of reasoning or make me lose the faith I have in my man. “I hope he is safe.” I prayed silently, reassuring myself.

“I got a message. I got a message!” I excitedly tapped Vanessa and held my phone so she could see it too.

“This should be good news,” Vanessa exclaimed. 

The smile that had just unfolded at the news was fixed for a moment and then cracked and disintegrated a little by little as I read the content of the message.

“What?” I yelled.

“What did it say, Ju?”

I couldn't say anything. I handed the phone over to Vanessa, and she read it out loud, but only loud enough for me to hear. 

“I won't be coming; don't wait for me. I can’t just forget what happened that night, and I'm sorry for dumping you like this. This is a situation I have no control over. 

For a moment, a buzzing sound filled my ears, and I could no longer hear anything. For a moment, the world seemed to stand still, with only the low, slow heartbeat as a reminder that I was still alive and that I hadn't been detached from this world. I looked at Vanessa's mouth moving, but I couldn’t hear or read what she was saying. My eyes are a little out of focus, and my pupils are also a little dilated, as if I were immediately dying. But the slow, firm beating heartbeat tells me that death is not so easy—this damn heartbeat.

“Ju,” Vanessa called out to me. I came back to my senses and saw Vanessa looking at me worriedly and handing me a wad of tissues. I still didn't understand what she wanted to do. It wasn't until I felt the salty, bitter taste in my mouth and touched my cheeks that I realized I was already covered in tears. I opened my mouth to tell her I was fine, but I couldn't make a sound. I could only force out a smile, but from her expression, I guess it was worse than crying. 

Maybe I don’t deserve to be happy. Maybe I don’t deserve it. I must have offended the universe, which made it decide to punish me. Maybe I’m not just meant to be happy since that night. It’s my destiny to always desire happiness and peace and never get them.

Since I was younger, I have always tried to have my best morals so I can benefit from the beautiful things that come to good people. But it seems the universe rejoices over my sadness. Even in high school, after losing my father and things becoming tougher, I refused to compromise my standards, stood my ground, and never defiled myself.

I was a bit skeptical when Felix came along and professed his undying love for me, but since I have always wanted to love and be loved, I embraced his feelings, and we got entangled with each other. I discovered he was everything I had ever wanted and more before I finally accepted his marriage proposal.

A surge of relief finally weighed on me, as I had thought I would now be happy and fulfilled, not knowing my joy would be cut short and leave me in a more devastating state.

I was still wallowing in my sadness when a wave of exhaustion came over me. I collapsed on the altar with a sudden discharge of strength. In the last moment of unconsciousness, I looked towards the door of the auditorium and vaguely saw a familiar figure—my mother—running towards me.