Chapter 5

Happy. It’s been such a foreign word recently. But I do feel…happier. I am not yet at that point. Because of Jason and the way he makes me feel, it doesn't feel right to be happy without my mother, but I'm growing closer to that place all the time. As though I'm normal, despite the fact that it's been a very long time since I was. "I'm trying. " I shrug.

Lillian comes up behind me and places her hand on my shoulder. "It's encouraging to see."

"Much thanks."

"At what time can you expect the boys to arrive?" Ellie asks.

As I heard that, my stomach dropped. “What? You guys didn't let me know that they were going to come with us, did you? When Airlene and Marvin are here with us, everything is under control. Even though they are Ellie and Lillian's boyfriends, Darren can nearly always be found wherever the two of them are. My ex-boyfriend doesn't seem to enjoy being in my company as much as he used to. Even if I don't really understand why, I have a strong suspicion that he detests me. With the passing of his mother, I was not the one to break up with him.

"They are sure to show up, Emily. I assumed that you were aware that they would come hang out with us. Lillian walks over to the mirror and applies some lip gloss to her lips.

I assumed they would recognize the awkwardness of the situation. "There's a chance I shouldn't go."

“What?” Lillian asks. "No, we wish we could hang out with you more."

Ellie continues by saying, "We can tell them not to come over."

The fact of the matter is that I am certain they would. Nonetheless, I am aware that they do not wish to. They desire to spend time with their lovers, and they wish for things to return to the way they were before. I do as well, but I'm not really sure how to get to my destination.

“No, no. It's not a problem. It wouldn't be right to force them to back out of the plans. The boys force open the door to Ellie's bedroom, and before anyone else can say anything, they enter the room giggling.

“Hey. ” I see Marvin giving me the wave.

Before they walk to greet their respective girlfriends, Airlene greets them all with a simple "Hello." Without a word, Darren shoves his way by me and continues on his way. My pulse rate quickens as a result of my nerves.

"Can you tell me what time the movie starts?" Darren is seen passing out on Ellie's bed.

Lillian informs him, and he reacts by saying, "Awesome." I have to send a message to my girlfriend to let her know when we are going to meet up.

Even though I make an effort to stop it, I can't help but turn my head to look at him. Do we know who Darren's girlfriend is? Not that it makes any difference. I'm trying to say that I have Jason. Despite this, I was still clueless.

"Well, I wanted to thank you for informing us that you were going to bring her." It seems as though Ellie is trying to apologize to me.

Darren retorts to her, "I didn't realize I had to," which she finds humorous.

Lillian isn't fooled when Airlene and Marvin act as if they aren't paying attention to what's going on around them. "Why don't you invite your new lover, Emily? That way, all of the couples will be able to meet him, and we won't have to.

My stomach begins to plummet someplace in the vicinity of my feet. All I can do is speculate on what my mother may do or say in that situation. She was never at a loss for an answer. Without her, I find myself wavering between options and constantly unsure of what to do.

Emily, are you sure you don't just pretend that you don't have a boyfriend? Darren laughs.

"Of course she does," you may say. Ellie steps closer. The look that she used to give Lillian is one that I don't miss. Even though these females have been my closest friends throughout my whole life, they aren't convinced that Jason is a real person. As my cheeks begin to flame, I quickly avert my gaze.

I wouldn't knowingly mislead someone about my romantic situation. That's not smart at all.

Lillian says, "We'd love the opportunity to meet him." I can only nod my head.

"So you're making him feel uncomfortable by being seen with him?" Darren sneers.

“Hey, man. ” Airlene strikes himself on the arm. "That is totally not cool."

No, I reply, but there's a chance I don't want him to come into contact with you. I have no control over the way the words come out of my mouth. It appears that Darren is in shock. In spite of the fact that it's unethical, it drives me onward. "He actually requested a meeting with you two. " Shut up, stop up, shut up. Despite this, I can't seem to shut my mouth. "I just…" I glance aside. I'd like to have him all to myself for a little while longer.

This is not something that my mother would do. When I continue to stand here, I am conscious of that fact. But, it has no effect on my ability to continue. I can't believe I've let myself get to this point.

"You're totally right. " Darren stands up.

My mind has a hard time forming words in a clear way. How to connect with my pals at the moment, as well as how to become a part of them and Jason's group. But as I look around the room and notice that no one is looking at me but Darren, I come to the conclusion that none of them believe what I'm saying. It drives home the point that we have never been on opposite sides of an issue before, but now we are. The desire to turn away also hits me as I try to think of a way to dispel their uncertainty. I don't even finish my sentence before I storm out of the room. Nobody makes an effort to hinder me.

Now

When we pulled into the driveway, my father greeted us by saying, "Well look, your buddies are here." As I look out my front door and see Lillian and Ellie standing there, my heart skips a beat. It appears as though Ellie has been basking in the sun nonstop because her hair has become noticeably lighter. She bleaches it occasionally, although I never really believed that it was necessary for her to do so. When it hangs down her back, it never fails to look flawless and gleaming.

Lillian always wears her black hair in a multitude of intricate braids throughout the summer. She refers to her hairstyle as her "summer appearance." I see little touches of purple here and there.

I am certain that she incorporated some of her favorite color into the design. Everyone comments on how striking Lillian's eyes are because of their bright green color. Her already dark skin is much darker, which leads me to believe that they have likely been outside for the entirety of the summer.

Without me there. And I deserve it.

"Oh my, I have to remember to pick up something for dinner at the grocery. I'm sorry." Why don't you stop by for a while and pay a visit? You know, return to your regular routine. I won't be much longer before I'm back at the house. My dad gives my leg a pat. I understand that he is attempting to be helpful, but he is not being helpful. Because I am aware that they are angry with me, it makes me nervous to be alone with them. They are confused about what took place, yet it is difficult for them to discuss it. Even I am having trouble wrapping my head around what just happened.

“Okay. ” I wait on the street until my father's car is no longer in view, thinking that the brief respite would be enough to calm my worries. I look at our family name, Kojomie, which is printed on the mailbox. Why people feel the need to announce to the entire world who lives in their neighborhood by writing their names on their homes or mailboxes is a mystery to me. Nonetheless, Mom thought it was great. She couldn't express how happy she was to be Anthony Kojomie's wife. that mom and my dad would bestow upon me all of the things that she lacked in her life.

As I realize that I can't continue to stand here for much longer, I turn around and head up to my porch. “Hey. ” It seems like an eternity passes while the three of us stand there staring in different directions other than at one another.

Ellie finally utters the word "Hello" while shuffling her feet.

"Hello," Lillian says afterward.

They both avoid making eye contact with me, and I'm not sure if it's because they're embarrassed or because they're just too mad at me to look in their direction.

"Y'all want to come in or is there something else?" I ask. I beg you, let them respond positively. Permit them to come inside, give me a hug, and reassure me that everything will be all right. that they are aware of Jason's jerkish nature. that they have faith in me. that we can pick up where we left off as friends, and that they will forgive me for everything that I've done.

Lillian clenches her teeth and avoids making eye contact with me by looking away, either at the swing or the porch. While she is talking, my attention is drawn to the braid that is draped over her shoulder and contains purple and black strands. "Are you seriously considering filing charges? It seems to be the consensus among everyone. You did want to have sexual relations with him, didn't you? He didn't make you, did he?