SAU 1: Now

Chapter 1: Now

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S E A

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"Jack, you punk! Don't die for now!"

With all my might, I shouted my aching heart out. I constantly catch and wipe the salty tears and sticky mucus that comes out of my eyes and nose. Oh god, I know I'll be having a hard time cleaning my nasal cannula but I don't care! I have to cry. I need to shed all my tears out cause if not, otherwise, my heart will hurt even more!

"Sea, you need to stop staring at your laptop screen. That's not good for your health."

I involuntarily closed my eyes when one of the most famous and heartbreaking scene of the movie 'Titanic' showed up. It's the part that Jack is saying his last words to Rose while being literally frozen in the middle of those shitty icy waters, "No! No! Jack! "

I kept stomping my feet under the blanket. Gosh. It's only a matter of time before I enter the screen of this laptop of mine and whack the heads of the two major characters. I'm obviously not the director of the movie but, I insist that no one should die!

"Hey, Sea..."

Confused, I grabbed my hair and bit my lips hard, "Gosh! I told you not to die!" As Jack slowly sank into the water, the little sobs that I had been holding back earlier, escapes. Shit.  No matter how many times I've watched this movie, the impact is still painful. This movie really hurts like hell.

"Patient #24, Sea Ivory McCain!"

"Holy mackerel of shits!" My body jolted in surprise. While clutching at my thumping chest, I violently removed the earphones I was wearing. I looked at the lone woman standing far away in my bed, "Nurse Christine! You scared the hell out of me!"

"I'm sorry, but it ain't my fault! It's yours! I've been calling and shouting at you for god knows how many times but you don't even budge. You seem to be very indulged in that movie marathon of yours to the extent that you forgot it's your monthly check-up already."

I suddenly made myself sit on the bed. Yeah, right. It's that damn check-up again. I'm tired of that 一 no scratch it. I'm sick of that. "Is it scheduled now?" I lazily asked. I lost all the excitement of my cells.

She smiled warmly at me before glancing at her wristwatch, "Nope. You still have 5 minutes."

I sighed deeply. I closed the laptop and put it on my bedside table. I started piling up all the trash I've produced 一 which includes dozens of tissue rolls and a few pieces of diced apples.

"I'll just go to the bathroom for a second, Nurse Christine. Can you wait for me?" I asked without single humor evident in my voice.

She sits on the sofa before letting out her thumbs up and teasing smile, "Of course, sweetie. Take your time. I know you'll need extra time to clean that thing up." She pointed her nose and wiggled her eyebrows in mischief.

I smiled slightly and just shook my head. Nurse Christine is one of a hell mischievous nurse. I guess she really has her burning passion to tease me. Every second we meet, she always teases me. As in, she doesn't miss a single chance.

I don't hate it, tho. It's good that she's bubbly and such. She makes my stay here in the hospital happy somehow.

As soon as I reach the doorstep of the bathroom, the brief smiles on my lips fade away. I went straight to the sink and stared at my reflection in the large mirror glued to the wall.

Pale eyes and lips, pale skin covered with long sleeves of my hospital clothes, and hell yeah, down to my soul that's always lifeless.

Seriously? I look like a deep shit. My life as a CF patient sucks. My whole life sucks.

Just when will I die?

With a hoarse voice, I laughed. While shrugging those bitter thoughts out of my head, I tied my midnight blue-colored hair in a messy bun before carefully putting away my nasal cannula and placing it next to a tote bag that contains an oxygen tank. I washed my hands first and sanitized them before cleaning it next. I took a bath earlier, so this is what I have left to do.

After exactly five minutes, three knocks on the door abruptly halted me from intensely gazing at my whole sick self, "Hey, sweetie? Time's up! Doc is looking for you."

I sighed again and grab all those shits I've been using and step out of the bathroom. Nurse Christine's face again greeted me. This time, she's wearing PPE 'cause she needs to come to me in order to help me reattach the nasal cannula.

Yeah, I know you're wondering why she needs to wear PPE. Here's the reason. I'm a cystic fibrosis patient. My condition requires a safe distance from other people, especially with ones that have the same condition as mine. In the case of Nurse Christine, she doesn't have any illness but, if she'll not be wearing that shitty PPE, she should be at least one meter away from me. That's the golden rule.

I have to stay away from people like I have some sort of contagious disease when in fact the only reason I was avoiding them was so that the bacteria in my lungs wouldn't increase and my disease wouldn't get worse. In vice versa, they have to stay away from me like I'm a monster they should be afraid of.

Can you now imagine how hard the life of a CF patient is? It feels hell. Yes, I'm still alive and breathing, but it doesn't seem to be like that because I am confined. I am imprisoned in this hospital and in this disease of mine. So far, my life in here is full of routines, boundaries, and self-control. And to tell you the truth? I'm tired. Really freaking' tired.

I sat on my bed and watch her patiently as she assists me and put that hospital thingymajig back on my body again. When I got bored with too much silence, I decided to speak.

"Nurse Christine, I have a question."

She glanced at my face for a second before going back on her business. "Hmm? Why so sudden? But, yeah. What is it?"

"I've watched the movie 'Titanic' earlier and I've witnessed the genuine love that blossomed between the two characters. Now, I'm left curious." Even if the story is a tragic one. I can't deny the fact that the scenes and moments in there pierce right through my soul. For a moment I forgot the problems I had while I was doing a movie marathon and watched that certain movie non-stop.

"Yeah. It's 'kinda obvious that you've watched that movie 'cause sweetie... your eyes are still swollen." She even laughed out loud while teasing me. Happy? Happy? This nurse really makes fun of me all the time. Ugh.

"Nurse Christine..." I groaned at her as a warning.

She raised her arms, 一 a sign of surrendering, and laughed again, "Yeah. Yeah. I'm just kidding. You're so serious. Loosen up a bit, will you? By the way, what's your question?"

"Well, about that. I just thought... can I find a man like Jack?" She seemed a little puzzled so, I continued to speak.

"The leading man in the movie 'Titanic' Jack Dawson. Can I still find a man like him in this modern world? A man who's willing to do anything possible and sacrifice his own life for his girl? Out of 7 billion people on earth, is there anyone destined like him for me? For a sick and worthless woman like me? What do you think, Nurse Christine? Is that even possible? "

"Oh, no..."

My shoulders fell. I automatically gave him a haughty stare. What a ruthless nurse. Can I replace her with someone else instead?

"Not impossible. I mean, look at yourself. You're a splendid girl, Sea. A very strong one. What are the reasons why you can't find something like what you said, huh? Just don't lose hope. Don't give up. Someday, you'll be free from that sickness of yours. Someday, you can leave the hospital and continue the life that's waiting for you. Someday, out of 7 billion people in this world, you will find that one person destined for you."

I was planning to throw a joke at her because only once in a blue moon she becomes serious about what she says. But that plan will stay as a plan though.

I blinked away all the tears forming in my eyes before they can even fall. I looked up from bowing and plastered a weak smile on my lips.

"I hope... that someday will come now."

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To be continued...