4 - The One That Got Away

He closed his eyes again. He was hallucinating.

All right, there's not a day that passed without him thinking about this person. He was always in his prayers.

But it couldn't be.

When Sidhiel opened his eyes again, it was confirmed. The tall and well-built figure standing on the doorway with quizzical brown eyes was indeed Kalyx Brier. The man he had admired for as long as he could remember, was standing in front of him.

The man was smiling widely at him.

"K-Ka.."

He can't even say his name.

"K-Kalyx..?"

"Why, Sidhie, you've grown up! What took you so long? Did you know that I've been waiting for you here for hours?" Kalyx said in a flash without stopping.

Sidhiel just continued staring at Kalyx. His cerulean eyes were wide with surprise. His mouth was even slightly parted.

"You might catch flies." Kalyx teased.

He immediately closed his mouth. He felt his face getting hot with embarrassment.

"W-What are you d-doing h-here?" He finally uttered.

"I thought your stuttering had long been gone? Why are you stuttering again now? Don't tell me.." Kalyx's grin was mischievous.

Sidhiel was about to enter the house but Kalyx blocked his way.

"I see that you're still a walk-out prince until now. Didn't you missed me, Sidhiel?" Kalyx asked with a smile still plastered on his face.

Sidhiel can't do anything but to stay in his place. Like before, he leaned his head down. Kalyx's question struck him.

"Now, tell me, what took you so long to get back home? Where did you go?" Kalyx's smile was replaced by his furrowed eyebrows.

"I just went somewhere," Sidhiel answered timidly.

"Next time, don't stay out at this late hour of the night. You know that it's not safe." Kalyx warned him like a big brother.

"Go inside now. We don't want Aunt Diehl to wake up and see that you just arrived. We will talk some other time." Kalyx gave way to him, but not before surprising him with a lingering peck on the forehead.

He just stood frozen, even after Kalyx walked out the door. Instead of closing it, he turned and followed Kalyx with his eyes.

"By the way, you could at least say 'goodnight'." Kalyx said smiling and turning to face him again, walking backward.

"G-Goodnight."

Kalyx had long been gone but Sidhiel was still standing by the door. He still can't believe that the man standing in front of him a while ago was none other than Kalyx.

He just decided to finally move his feet towards his room when he remembered that his mom might come down and see him.

Gosh, he looks bigger than life, he thought while lying on his bed. He looks good. He is more handsome than ever. He looks like a person who knows what he wants and knows how to get it. He looks..

Sidhiel let out a deep breath.

He looked like Kalyx as he had envisioned him to be.. successful, fulfilled, a man of the world.

He remembered what Eara used to tell him before. "What are you gonna do now, big brother? It looks like Kalyx is already successful in the States while you still don't know what it is that you really want to do. How will Kalyx like you?"

"I'm sure Kalyx prefers someone who is successful like him. I heard from Aunt Alena that a lot of boys and girls in the States are pinning for him."

"Eara, you don't have to say that to me. I don't fancy Kalyx. You're the only person who thinks that way." That's what he usually defends to Eara.

She will just raise her eyebrow at him. He knows that she doesn't believe him.

Well, it's true. He will never be good enough for Kalyx. The man had gone so far.

Unlike him.

*****

Sidhiel hugged Mr. Ted. "He didn't like me then, he won't like me now," he sadly said to the stuffed toy that had been with him since he was three years old.

Sidhiel had admired Kalyx from a young age even though he always teases him. He doesn't know why his admiration towards the older boy did not disappear. Maybe because he can see in his brown eyes the concern he has for him even though he annoys him.

Kalyx would always give him chocolates and candies, although he tells him that it was to straighten his speech.

There was still a part of him that wouldn't give up on believing that Kalyx cared for him. That he really cared for him.

He already loves Kalyx even before the older boy went to New York. That's why Kalyx's departure caused immense sadness for him.

In all honesty, the two of them never had a serious conversation. He can't even call him a friend. But just knowing that Kalyx was there for him gives him a sense of calmness. Just seeing Kalyx makes him happy. And he's fine even with just that.

When Kalyx went away, Sidhiel felt like he lost a best friend.

They hadn't seen each other for ten years. When Kalyx went back to London after graduating from college, he was at Harvard already and studying.

When it was time for Sidhiel to go back to London after getting his MBA, Kalyx went back to New York to accept a position offered to him by a famous engineering firm.

Kalyx was a civil engineer by profession. Aunt Alena said that Kalyx had always been fascinated with roads and bridges and dams. Then as years passed, his growing preoccupation towards physics and mathematics led him to take up Civil Engineering in college.

Sidhiel knows almost everything about Kalyx because he never let any news about him pass by.

He knew Kalyx had fought his way up to have his own consultancy firm based overseas. It was slowly gaining a good reputation which was why the man spent more of his time overseas.

Kalyx goes to different places. His firm was so successful that his consultancy firm had three branches by now: one in New York, another in Canada, and a recently opened branch in Singapore.

"You see, Mr. Ted, he had gone so far now. It's impossible for me to reach him."

Why haven't I changed? He scolded himself. How can I fall in love with a man at thirteen and never really change?

Of course, he had changed, he quickly amended himself. He's not stuttering now. He was the head of the financing department of one of the biggest companies in London. And finally, an opportunity had finally knocked on his door for him to finally show his talent in painting.

Not enough though, said the other part of his brain.

But it was true. His so-called achievements were nothing compared to Kalyx's.

He loved Kalyx since he was thirteen, yes. But he expected those feelings to disappear when he left because then, he won't see him always. But it never happened. He had never really gotten over him.

That's why he was so shocked when he saw him again. Kalyx did say he was grown-up but he told it in such a way that it made him feel as if he could never grow up enough for him.

Yes, you're right, Kalyx. I have grown up. Only you don't know just how much. Oh, why did you have to come home? When I don't have anything to be proud of yet? How will I cope with you around?