Chap 14: [WSIT?] - The sky left behind (1)

In the meeting of the darkness and the mist, from afar, with a familiar warm voice, someone was calling my name. The call seemed to echo on the cliff, echo for a long time.

I felt like a pedestrian standing on a narrow but winding path, in the middle of a deep mountainous region covered in layers of white mist. I fumbled for the white curtain to move towards the call. I walked for a long time, turn after turn, mountain after mountain. I didn't feel tired, but I've been going for a long time and there's no end to it.

That was the first time I reunited my parents.

They came from the opposite side, like me, groping through the mist.

As soon as they saw me, they rushed to me, hugged me, cried and called my name. I also cried calling their names.

- Sis! Sis!

From another direction, there were other calls. In an instant, the mountains shook, and snow fell on my parents. I screamed, rushed to hug them, but the embrace was empty. The scene suddenly turned black. I fumbled in the air, called them in tears.

- Sis!

A hand grasped my panicked hands. A small, but warm hand. A sudden feeling of confusion enveloped me. The earnest call fully awakened my sleepy mind.

I suddenly understood that it all was just a dream, and I just woke up.

There are people we can't see anymore in this dominated-by-darkness reality.

There are people we are only able to meet again in dreams. The rare dreams that never come before, and don’t know when will come again later.

So, why, why you had to cut it off?

- Sis!

- Got it, already woke up! Just go back to sleep. – I didn't know that my voice was so grumpy. At that time, I still didn't think that he was just woken up by my calls and crying, and ran to find me in a panic.

Yet I was coved by the regret, uttered such heavy words to the poor boy.

What a bad sister.

The second time they came, far away from the first, was during a terrible storm. Struggling in the howling wind and the thunderous lightning that distorted the sky, they put on their thin ragged raincoats, cried, rushed to me, hugged me. I received a new yellow rain suit with flowers on the chest, put it on. It was so fit and bright, fullfiled my heart with happiness. Then my parents earnestly took my hand and told me to return with them.

On the way back, as if thinking of something, I turned back to look. With just one turn of the head, both sides of my body were empty, only two worn-out boots and a tattered raincoat left on the ground. I picked up my things, frantically looked for them for a long time. But they seemed to have been swallowed up by the ferocious storm, no matter how much I called, no matter how much I cried, no one answered. Until I realized that I was in a dream, I still stubbornly continued to cry for them, looked for them. I found, and found, until the storm is gone, the whole world disappears.

I blamed myself for a long time, why I had to turn around and make them disappear after all.

The third time, they came to my bed. Gently, my mother woke me up, lovably pulled my sideburns, put on a sweater for me, and told me to come back together. They two, one left, one right, held my hands as when I was a child. After walking for a while, I asked my father:

- Will we go to the land of ecstasy, papa?

- Babe, what nonsense, we're going home.

- But we just left the house. – I told.

- That house is fake, our house is over there.

Something rattled in my heart. I suddenly remembered why I had turned my head the previous time.

- What about Heter?

- Heter?

An uneasiness slowly formed in me, multiplied at breakneck speed:

- You don't know Heter?

They looked at each other, seemingly confused. My heart trembled:

- Who are you two?

- What are you asking, it’s papa and mama, babe.

I shook off their hands and stepped back.

- You two are not real parents!

- What are you talking about? Are you OK?

- If you two are real, why bring only me? Why don't you bring brother with us?

- Brother?

- You’ve never had a brother!

I woke up.

Turning to look at the baby sleeping on the bed next to me coughing from time to time, I suddenly felt bitter. Since he was a child, every time he slept in cold air, he would cough, but his sleeping habit was bad, often kicked the blanket and rolled all over the bed. I pulled the blanket over his neck, the cough was less. I stroked his silky soft hair, tears slowly fell down.

At that time, every time woke up and walked past my room, my mom would stop by and cover my brother with a blanket.

But today, that mother said, I’ve never had a brother.

The very next night, they came to my bed again. I neither move nor look at them, said:

- You two go! Get out of my house!

- This is not your house, Helia. This house is not real, nothing here is real. All created by you in your coma.

- You’re actually lying out there, on the hospital bed, since the accident.

- Come back, I beg you, come back with us, Helia!

I turned away, buried my face in the pillow, tried not to hear any more crazy words from them.

- We don't know that Heter. He's not your brother, Helia. He’s just…

- Enough! Stop lying anymore! – I threw the pillow at them. - I don't believe! You two go now!!

I pulled the blanket over my head. And they cried, cried and called me for a long time, until I woke up.

Since then, I have not seen them again. I didn't know it’s because they didn't come to see me anymore, or because they couldn't because of my refusal.

Also from there, these sounds appeared. At first, it was just a vague fragment, but later it became clearer.

Every day, every day in my dream, I heard their voices. Crying again.

Probably, was always crying.

Day by day, my mind keeps reminding me that they don't exist, no, no longer exist. Because of the traffic accident two years ago, they were gone. They are not the people in the dream, every day mourning and crying, waiting for me to wake up after the accident in the "outer world".

But I know, deep down in my heart, a cruel seed of mistrust has quietly sprouted. Day after day, it turns into a thorn, pierces my heart with a doubt that maybe this world is not real, me in this world is just a simulation, and I am really out there, in a deep coma, late to wake up, torment my real beloved.

If that's all, perhaps I won't hesitate to return with them. There is no need to doubt day after day, no need to endure day after day with a festering, aching heart. I can go to the ends of hell with my parents.

But between us, there is still a Heter.

Heter is my brother's name.

Tomorrow is Heter's tenth birthday.

He has been extremely bright and lovely since birth, but he also loved whining and crying, as well as had bad sleeping habit, almost fell off the bed for countless times. There were times when our parents went to the district to buy goods, he got up earlier than expected, cried so hard and refused every toys and sweets I gave. I had to hug him, sit on the front porch overlooking the main road, and point at every passing car and tell him that it’s our parents coming back, then pretended to be sorry that guessed wrongly.

He's also a weak-willed kid. In the evening, when going to the toilet, must have someone turn on the light for him, also, in the middle of the night, he often babbled or screamed horrorly. There were also nights when he woke up crying and fumbling around, calling "Sis, people came to collect debt", or "Where are you, sis?". So poor. I had to pat his back to have him sleep again. Yet in the morning, he didn't remember anything.

I remember, when he went to kindergarten, every day he went to school, he used to tell our dad "Little little come and pick me up", and when he returned home, he told our mom that the kindergarten only fed tomatoes, also stammered to re-play the dizziness, nausea, and vomiting feeling of himself every time seeing tomatoes, made the whole family burst into laughter. The year he just entered the first grade, my mom was busy with work, so she forgot to pick him up, when she remembered and rushed back homw, she saw the boy standing in front of the closed door with red eyes, and when she got close to him, there was a heavy stink: My brother couldn't help but poop in his pants, he partly was angry that mom didn’t pick him up, partly was afraid that mom would yell at him because of having diarrhea, didn't say a word and quietly entered the house. Some years passed by, the more he was loved by parents, the worse the boy was, until two or three years ago he still relied on others, never positively do anything, even having meals also need me to bring to his place, that made me so much angry. I scolded him for being lazy and stubborn, of course he didn't keep quite, noone wanted to condescend, always ended with quarrels, fights and tears. However, at night we both forgot and rolled around our bed while crumpling rice paper and watching cartoons. Our laughter then were so much out loud.

Since I was ten years old, this boy has appeared in my life. During this ten years, we never take apart. I have seen and clearly remembered every details of him, his eyelashes, his eyebrows, his figure, his gestures, his habits from the time he was born to this day. I still remember the magical feeling in the first time I rubbed his little body in my arms, the first time he call my name with a livid voice, the first time he tried to walk and fell into my lap. And yet, they told me that all those memories were fake, that I’ve never had a brother.

There is nothing more dishonest than that.

- Don't cry, I don't believe. Don't believe it at all. It's you who are fake, you're tricking me out of this world, leaving my brother! – I mumbled.

On the small table, I sat opposite, watched the boy blowing out the candles, suddenly remembered the old days. One cake, four people. Filled with happiness.

Actually, it's not that old at all.

It's only been two years, but everything has changed. The idyllic days of the past turned into a beautiful world that could never be reached again. Recent memories have become so different, as if they belongs to someone else.

In just two years, this boy has grown so much.

Since that day, the little hands has become warm, but the bright eyes have a sad light. No more whining and crying, no longer being afraid of the darkness, no longer relying on nagging, and no longer laughing. Perhaps he also realized, there is noone to arbitrarily rely on anymore.

An older sister like me really doesn't have anything good to say. Even his very existence is subject to doubt.

Maybe the boy's somnolence had passed on to me. Today when he woke me up, he said that I cried a lot, cried and begged someone to stop crying and leave me alone. I realized, those people’s persistent cries of pain eroded my heart, made my heart tremble and constrict.

As he recounted those words, I seemed to sense, to him, my crying was also like that.

Sometimes I thought, where did my real parents end up?

How can you never come to us and let these impostor souls torment me and separate us siblings?

- Impostor spirits? What in the world has a soul, my friend?

- Who? – I heard the same voice as myself, asked in surprise. On the other side, a sarcastic voice replied:

- Who am I, who are the other two, you know best, don't you?

It's been two years since that accident. The day I thought the happiest, was the saddest day.

 On this day every year, whenever I burn incense with my brother, I would subconsciously look at his expression. I always wondered if he was to blame me. Because of my stupidity, quickly, all inherent peace and happiness were disappeared. I don't believe he never complained, not even a little, for a moment. Even though everyone said it wasn't my fault, I know well, no one was sincere.

I suddenly thought, maybe those dreams are not meant to confuse me because the reality, nor to drive me crazy. It's just punishment. Make me doubt, make me torment, make me miserable.

 Strangely enough, this thought made me feel relief. I deserve it. Perhaps, in this way, I am paying the price and making atonement for myself.

But perhaps my sins are heavier than that. Today, for the first time in my dream, I heard someone else's voice.

- It's been so long, or...

- What are you going to say?

- Bro, sis, you also had an accident, not caring about treatment, but still working so hard, how can you stand it? Now you still want to sell your house, what are you thinking? Even if it's sold, it won't last long. What should the two of you do after that?

- I know you're worried about us, so just think that you never say that. Go home, don't say anything more.

- Bro! Sis!

- Go home!

- Who doesn't love her, but is it right to die with her? Now what is she different from a dead person, except breathing?

- Enough! We’ll be in charge of our child. Later even if we have no place to live, we won't find you! Go away, leave my family alone!

- You two…

Footsteps and a gruff door slam ended the argument. Then my ears came the soothing sound.

- Don't be afraid, even if we have to die, we still take care of you.

- Little little baby with pink pink cheeks...

Memories of the days when I was a child, my mother patted me to sleep, suddenly came rushing back. I can even imagine the mother out there stroking my cheek lovingly.

But then the soft voice became choked, then stopped.

I can imagine, there's a room out there. In that room, there was only crying.

“Please everyone, don't cry anymore. I live well in this world. Don't be sad anymore, can you?" I heard my own sad voice in the dream. Who's that? Why does your voice sound like me?

"Dad, don't cry, I'll be back, soon, I promise." That voice was numb. If it's not me, why decide for me? Why promise them, give them fake hope?

"You clearly knowing that this world isn't real, but still hesitated to get out, because you was afraid to abandon that child. But you forgot, that child is not real, and your real parents are crying day and night, waiting for you to wake up outside. How long are you going to feel sorry for a fictional character, causing real pain to your loved ones? How long are you planning to make them wait, make them suffer, and make them miserable?

- "Them"? Do you know why “they” only appear in dreams? Because dreams are a reflection of your subconscious desires. They were made by the secret wishes in your heart. You created people who tell you this world is fake, because you can't accept this reality, that they are forever gone, because of your stupid selfishness, that from now on you have to shoulder this miserable life on your own with a baby.

Just like that, voices identical to mine spoke to each other, shouted at each other. I was like a red sheet tied at the center of the rope, being torn between the two sides, tilted to one side, pushed to the other side. Even if I hugged my head tightly and covered my ears, those inside voices couldn't stop, unable to find a resting place.

Calling voices every midnight. Invasion dreams. Feelings of unreality overwhelm me, surround me. I am like a miserable camel that has fallen into the quicksand of a desolate desert where there is no one in sight. I forced myself to struggle. But the more I struggled, the deeper I sank.

But then, that day came.

That day, for a moment, I actually returned. In one thousandth of a second, I opened my eyes, looked at the white hospital room, saw the water chain dangling, and them. Their back seemed to be bent, their hair was gray, looked so lonely that burst me into tears. At that moment, I felt like I could hear my heart breaking, its fragments cut all over my chest, windpiped with sharp marks, and my whole throat choked and bitter. I had to wake up before determining if it was the taste of tears, or the taste of blood. Turns out it was just a dream.

But deep down I know, for me it's not just a dream. From the blink of an eye back there, my balance was tilted towards the world with them, and waking up in this world became a 'had to'. From that brief blink of an eye, I came to believe that this world was fake, and, heartbreakingly, I chose to apologize to my beloved Heter.

"It's okay, ten years of mind is only one year of life, let them wait a little longer."

"Wait a little longer, wait for him to grow up.”