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Twenty-One
Last Updated:
2020-10-04 01:49:40AFTER
Lily
I wake up at six AM. Groggy and damp with sweat. I had another nightmare featuring Luc. We were arguing on a shore, foamy waves lapping at our ankles. Strong winds hoisted us up in the air, somehow when we were flung at the middle of the ocean Luc could swim perfectly, floating weightlessly on the dark, angry waters. But I was sinking fast like a heavy boulder. My mouth like an open cave, calling out for Luc, water infiltrated my lungs and the wiry hands of the ocean pulled me into its belly.
A cock crowed at a distance, making me sit up with a start. The mattress in Dad's house is much firmer than the one at home. It is almost uncomfortable to sleep on.
I reach for Luc's flask in my backpack and take a dainty, tentative sip. It tastes sharp like a combustion in my mouth, sliding down my throat igniting as it goes. It is clear why Luc is addicted to this stuff, I see stars behind my eyes, form
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BEFORE Lily"Lily, Lily—"Someone was shaking me gently, interrupting the walk I was taking down an unwinding road. Birds were gossiping from sickly tree branches, cocking their heads from head to side as if they are warning me. Tell me 'do not go any further! Stop!'I opened my eyes a bit, peering through the cracks. Dad was bare-chested, shorts ridding low on his hips. His eyes were bloodshot, his face marred with deep lines of fatigue."Dad," I said in a yawn, "what's wrong?""Do you know where your sister when to?" He asked me, staring pointedly at me.His words did not make sense to. Gibberish floating around, bumping against themselves. Until I arrange them, absorb them. "She is in her room." Is that not where she should be at night?"She is not there," Dad said, frowning like I should know that, "did she
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AFTERLilyI am still trying to recover from the shock from discovering that my parent's relationship was not as rosy as it seemed. It is weird that they almost did not build a family together and after three kids and eighteen years together, they are still not at peace with each other. I am not sure what I would have done if I was in their shoes. Call it quits and try co-parenting? Or to couples counselling and try to iron things out for the sake of the children and the almost-two-decades of relationship. Maybe even go further and get married?I try to forgive Mum. I don't leave the living room whenever she enters and I do not cough up an excuse when she wakes me up for Mass on Sunday morning. In church, I kneel down and gaze at the statue of Jesus Christ at the altar and pray for the Josephle to forgive my Mum. And for God's forgiveness.I do not talk to her either, I just nod or shake my head wh
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BEFORELucIt has been one month since I last spoke to my soulmate. He would not take my calls. And neither will be reply my messages. He is never at home when I go to check on him. His sister would give me some excuse like he went for basketball practice or went shopping with his mother or sleeping at a friend's house.I become more and more frustrated and desperate as the days turn into weeks. I have no one to talk to about this. Lily will not understand. What the hell does she know about love? And Precious will ask him to forget him and move on but how can I when he is the only boy I truly love?I drank more often, draining my flask quickly in big, gulps. I could barely sleep at night, staring at the ceiling until daybreak. I rarely went for my lectures, staying back home after my parents, Lily and Krystal had left for school.When I told Precious how lowly I had sank, she
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AFTERDear Luc,Today is your birthday. You would have turned nineteen today. We would have thrown a party for you. The love of your life would have been invited, Jacob and James would have come, Precious would have worn something sexy and I would have snuck Esther in.Dad would have bought vanilla cake with resins and cherries. The icing would be thick and so sweet it would be almost bitter, just the way you liked it. Mum would have cooked fried rice and fried chicken for the party. We would have been allowed to take lite beer and diluted sips of vodka and whiskey. Cartons of fruit juice and soft drinks would have been in abundance. And our parents would have excused us and retired to their rooms.We would have played music from the stereo. Not too loud to wake Krystal from sleep but loud enough to get ourselves hyped.I might had danced. Let myself go and get tipsy. I
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AFTERLilyMum scowls every time she sees me in Luc's room.She probably feels I will condemn the place with my Lily-ness and all traces of Luc's Luc-ness will be lost. It is one of the things she and Dad fought about during their numerous post-Luc's death fights.After the funeral, Dad wanted me to move into Luc's room so Krystal will have the bedroom we share to himself but Mum would not let it happen, over her dead body. I secretly sided Mum. I don't want to sleep in Luc's room. I still dream about her. Sometimes in the dreams I have, she is alive and stable – the way she was before she attempted suicide – but sometimes, she is dead. Stiff and unmoving. She would try to pull me down with her into her watery grave. I would wake up screaming, my whole body covered in sweat and shaking with sobs. If I sleep in Luc's room, her ghost will kill me.
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AFTERLilyPeople think it was suicide but I know it was murder. Suicide was not Luc's way.She had once attempted suicide. It landed her in the hospital and she pinky swore that she would never do it again.Besides, Luc could not have drowned herself because her body was found on the shore, but nobody else thought that, nobody seemed to notice how odd her death was. Everyone accepted the fact that she had died, no questions asked.Her death changed everything; Mum cut her hair, Dad became distant, Krystal stopped being the vibrant chatterbox he once was and I avoided everyone.I became withdrawn and stopped talking to people, even severed the small connections I had. Everyone wanted to know how. They would ask me for details I did not want to give. People that did not know Luc would cry as if she was their best friend. Neighbours came over to offer their con
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BEFORELilyEverytime I closed my eyes, I saw the vivid image of Jacob kissing Luc and grabbing her round derriere in his hands. Her long, slim henna-tattoed arms were snaked around his neck and their mouths were joined, drinking ravenously from each other.I was not angry, not really. I was incredulous that Jacob would kiss my sister in public, in broad daylight. And that my sister would kiss Jacob in broad daylight, in public. Did he not know how I felt about him? Did he really care? Did he really like me or was it all in my head? Had I read the signs wrong?I sat outside in the evening, ignoring the whining of mosquitoes and the biting breeze, pondering on why Luc would kiss Jacob. Did she not know how I felt about him? Did she not care? Had she liked him all these while?When Dad asked me to come in for dinner, I declined. My stomach hurt, I did not trust it to hold down food.
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