Betrothal

It was today when everything started to fall appart. Autumn has run it's course, the grains have been gathered and everything seemed to fall into place. But not for me. The stranger with ruby eyes haunted my dreams. I could see him standing in the far off trees, watching over my room, but then, I'd wake up. 

I dreamt of touching his thick hair. I dreamt of knowing his name, but those were not real. Those were dreams that seemed to shatter today, when the news of my father's skemes finally reached me. 

“There is no way in Hell, I will ever shut my mouth!” words spill out of my mouth like nothing mattered anymore. 

“Where have you learned to speak like that, child!?” the older woman seemed shocked, while my father simply sighs and swallows his response.

“Oh, piss off, mom!” I hiss through my teeth, throwing my hands up in the air in frustration. “I am not going to stand by and watch you gamble with my  damn life!” I spit out and my hands fall in anger, fists slamming into the table and making the cups shake and tremble.

The room falls silent as they all exchange a few tensed glares. My mother seems hurt, while my father does not seem to be very present in this. My breath is shaky and my mind in complete chaos. My heart is frenetic and I feel like I am going to throw up right here, right now, on the walnut wood table that my mother cherishes so much. 

“And who do you think would gladly ever marry you, Nesta?” My father's voice suddenly breaks the silence, his tune a bit scolding and mocking and I feel like he had just pressed a cold blade at my neck.

“What do you mean?!” I hiss, my eyes narrowing. “Is this about the rumors Marianne started?!” I huff and my eyes go round in surprise when I realize this is exactly what this all is about! “Don’t tell me you are actually buying that idiocy!”

I get up in such a haste, that the chair is pushed back with enough force to have it knocked over, falling on the floor with a loud bang. My hands slam into the table again as I stare at my father, tears swelling in my eyes.

“Rhys did not touch me! I swear on my life, father! Marrianne just got jealous when the man invited me to dance instead of her-” I try to explain myself, but my father was not having any of this.

“Father Cassimir was kind enough to overlook such terrible rumors! I don’t think anyone else would ever do that for you, Nesta! You’ve already caused a small riot at the last sermon, when you dared to stand up and - !” My father’s voice grows loud and he sharply pauses, letting out a loud frustrated scowl instead of words, and I feel my heart cower and my stomach twist, nausea swelling in my abdomen, making me feel as if dinner starts fighting its way up my throat again. “You’ve already sparked enough fuss in this village, and in the neighboring one! Rumors have it you’re a witch, girl! Rumors have it you lay with demons and sacrifice the chickens that disappear at night! Do you really think this is about a stupid dance invitation?!” His large fists slam into the table and I suddenly feel my knees weaken and almost give in under my own weight. 

I swallow the lump that forms in my throat and my shoulders slump, making me feel smaller. Oh! How I wish for the ground to split in two and swallow me whole, because the way he looks at me makes me feel worthless. 

“You will

 marry Father Cassimir. The engagement announcement will be done at tonight’s sermon and I will hear nothing of it!” The man demands before he gets up in a hurry, leaving me alone with my mother.

As soon as he turns his back on us and he starts walking away, frustration swallows me whole, and I feel tears drip down my face, staining my cheeks. 

This was it! This was the end of my freedom, wasn’t it?! This was how my life would end… at the hands of men! Of one who is supposed to love me and protect me, one whom I call my father, and another who will do nothing but use me as their slave, as their housekeeper, as their toy… I feel sick! I feel abandoned! My life has no meaning! It did not have one from the moment I came into this world with a cunt between my legs! It was then when my destiny was decided, wasn’t it?! 

A heartbreaking sob escapes me and my eyes trail to my mother, whose lips are pressed into a thin line, watching me with a broken heart and uncertainty written in her eyes.

“I’m not a witch, mother!” I try to at least convince her of it. “I did not offer myself to any man or creature! I am pure and-” a painful sob stops me from talking, making my words clutter all in my throat, forming a painful lump that forces me to stop breathing. 

“Child…” the older woman sits up and walks to me, her warm wrinkly hands pulling me into an embrace, my head resting on her chest as I start crying. “Men will say cruel things about you, just to have you bend your knee to them… Men will accuse you of unspoken monstrosities just because there is no other way to break you.” she whispered gently, patting my head, her chin resting on the top of my head. “It’s how it has always been. It is how it will always be. I truly hope, God will bless you with boys, for I wish you not see this fate casted upon your own daughter…" She speaks with a gentle sob in her voice and before I can look at her, I feel her warm tears falling on my head. 

I know she says this in a stupid attempt to soothe me, but nothing but a promise of freedom can soothe me right now. So I swallow my mean words and pull away, rushing to my bedroom before she could speak some more, as if she would understand!

I was aware of all the strange rumors that were being spread around. They started with the child coughing blood. Saying that he had sold his soul to the devil and I went back to retrieve it.

I never tried to dismiss them and it seemed that this only angered those who tried to break me, making them add more to the pile of accusations! A witch they said… when all I did was tend to the wounded and sick and pluck medicinal herbs from the forest. When all I did was try to help those in need! When all I ever did was to stand up for women! 

Who cared for the sick? Who tended wounds and stopped them from festering?! Who cared for the kids with the cough?! All those did not matter when all they saw was a single woman who tried to be independent and strong. All those did not matter when all they thought of me was that I needed to be cuffed and silenced!

Father Cassimir was - I’m not even sure who he was. He was a man of God. One sent to our village by the catholic church, to spread the word of God, after Father Lucius died of pox.  Unlike Father Lucius, Father Cassimir was younger. Still almost double my age, with a nasty uncombed beard and such a disgusting smirk that he’d offer the younger women. He smelled like incense and his eyes held a strange predator gaze that always made me feel sick and unsafe when he’d cast a glance my way. He had been invited not just once to dine with us, but everytime he came into our house, I felt violated and as if he was going to rip me right out of my room one day. And it seemed that this was not far from happening very soon. 

Oh! Mother Above! Why is this happening to me?! Why do you allow such nasty men to lay their hands on your children?! Why…