6 - My brothers keeper

I allowed the sweetness of the moments of the day to bring a blush to my cheeks as I strolled home. I found my way to my new spot on the plastic crate in the yard. It was right beside Razeen's makeshift garage; putting me in prime wrench passing range of my grease painted baby brother.

I watched Razeen fiddle under the hood of the car in a haste. He had been working at it for nearly half an hour, but it didn’t seem like he’d done anything. His movements were random and unfocused as he painted the air between the hood and the engine with his wrench.

"Nervous?" I asked my little brother suddenly. He nearly jumped out of his skin and knocked his forehead on the bonnet. Shit, it's just like me to injure my brother before his wedding.

"Sorry," I called out, running inside to fetch a bag of frozen mixed veg. He cringed slightly when I placed the iced bag to his forehead. I muffled my chuckle at his low pain tolerance.

"I don't think it's going to leave a bump. Don't worry."

He didn't reply. His fingers were still tapping against the car. He looked up at me with his big brown eyes and bushy eyebrows. It was the same look he gave me when we hid under our ma's bed. It was the same look that said: I need help.

"What's on your mind, bud?" I asked him. He tried to blow it off with a cocked eyebrow and wry smile but those both left his face when I smiled at him.

Gotcha.

"What if she doesn't like me?" he asked in an uncharacteristically small voice. I put my hand on his shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

"She's going to love you. You've grown into a great guy," I said assuredly. He smiled at me, but he was also clearly confused. In due time, brother, I thought.

There was a part of me that felt like he knew. I wanted that to be true, just so that he could know how proud I was to be his sister. I wished I could tell him how proud our father would have been to watch him grow into the man he had become. He was conscientious, brave, and alive with ambition. He was the son our father wanted to raise. Our mother would have smiled at the determination in his gentle brown eyes. She would have laughed at his attempts at cooking and his joyful demeanour. He was the very best of both of them. I wanted him to remember them long enough to feel their pride and mine. That would be enough for me – if he knew. 

 But he was not my brother and he was not the son of my parents. He was raised to be my cousin; he was taught to mourn the way a nephew does. Not a son.

"You miss your parents?" he asked. The question broke my heart and plugged my throat. I nodded. It was all I could do.

"Pa says your father was a great Chief. Is it weird for you now… with me?" he asked more softly this time. I knew the reason for his hesitation. It was almost funny.

I squeezed his shoulder and smiled at him.

 “Between you and me, I think you make a better Chief than I would have." He smiled and I ruffled his hair.

"It's cool. With you here. You could visit more if you want. This is always gonna be your home."

I bit the inside of my cheek to fight off the tears pooling behind my eyes and I nodded and hugged him.

"I think I may take you up on that."

My brother smiled. I smiled back.

I wished him a good night. The groom needs a good night's rest.

The next morning the house was abuzz with frantic activity, while I took the time to wash the sleep out of my eye. I wandered into the kitchen and snacked on some toast while I waited for my coffee to brew. Innumerable woman of all ages and levels of anxiety scurried and rushed through the room holding far too many things in their hands. How they kept anything from collapsing into further chaos eluded me. I didn't bother looking for my brother. No doubt his new father had stolen him away for whatever this tribe's stag tradition was. I resigned myself to sipping on my black coffee and munch on toast as I thought about my last full day at home. If I couldn't spend it with my brother, I knew exactly who I'd want to spend it with. One last time, before my life, would return to normal.

The day would soon leak into the next and I had no desire to watch it do so. I could feel time beating its hands against everyone’s chest and trying to crawl under their skin. I needed to break away from the ticking on the clock. I snuck out while my grandma was screaming at the village girls about the colour of something insignificant that could seemingly bring about the end of humanity as we know it.

The walk to Kelly was short, automatic. Oya was a master of muscle memory. She was in her usual spot; with her Ericas. I tried to sneak up behind her and place my hands over her eyes, but the sparkling smile gave her away. She knew it was me. She threaded her fingers through mine and bought our intertwined hands to her lips.

I remember the story Lucas told me about his time in Athens, with the sirens. They felt like a prayer against your skin, he said. They were the most welcoming of phantoms. I remember the weight of his self-satisfied smirk on his face. It made him look more annoying than usual. But he was happy, so I let him have his moment. I wonder if he'd consider this to be my moment. I couldn't see my face; but it was heavy with happiness, giddiness too. I could feel it. It felt great. She turned around and we stood up in one motion. I saw an Erica blossom resting by her foot. I picked it up and blew off the dirt. With the softest stroke of my finger, I brushed her hair from her face and placed the soft flower behind her ear and into the oak brown lush of her hair. I loved the pink hue that dusted her heated cheeks.

There was a weight on my chest. I could barely breathe as I looked down at her. I wanted to etch her image into my memory. Soon I would have to say goodbye. Perhaps…

I wished there was room for perhaps. But I had risked enough with the time I was here. Too long and the panga-wielding demons from my past would be back and destroy everything I had left to protect. I needed to get going as soon as the "I dos" were over.

"Je dink… too much," she said, playfully tapping my forehead. I let a laugh burst out of me. She joined me in my sudden joy. It felt good to share it with her. I pulled her to her feet.

I didn't let a single thought enter my mind as we raced away from the village and towards the only hill in the territory. It stood guard over the crops against the brutal summer sun. I had spent so much of my childhood racing my father up the hill. It was his favourite place in his world. We were both parched when we reached the peak. I summoned water from the overhead clouds and brought my cupped palms to her lips. She gulped it down and stared at me as she caught her breath. I smirked at her, and somehow that earned me a diffident smile.

 I wondered why she was suddenly so meek in my presence.

There was a faint sadness in her eyes when she kissed me. I could taste salt on my lips as we parted.

"I have to tell you something," she said with a look of defeat painted across her face. A shock wave of fear coursed through me.

Had someone found out about us? 

Did they know what I was?

Razeen!

I almost exploded into a frenzy as my mind erupted with a million thoughts – each more horrid than the last.

"Tomorrow … Ek… I," her words was barely audible. She sounded anxious and that was enough for my mind to race toward the worst-case scenario. All thoughts of my brother's safety were replaced with concern for the trembling angel in my arms.

"What is it?" I asked calmly, bringing her beautiful face between my hands

"I'm getting married."

No.

Tomorrow?

What were the chances that-?

I looked at her and felt her tilt her head upwards to meet my eyes.

"You're… married? Who?" The words were falling from my tongue without instruction.

"Pa says I mus' marry the chief's son. Pa says he is a good man. Pa doesn't know me so much, but he wants the best for me," she said, her voice heavy with remorse.

The girl whom I had come to care for so deeply could not be the same woman promised to my baby brother. Oduduwa would not be so cruel to his children, would he?

Her father wanted her to have a good match. She needed to find someone who would provide for her. My brother was the very best this village had to offer, and Kelly deserved to very best. I looked at her with what I can only assume was a vacant look.

I stood up. She pulled at my arm so that I couldn’t walk away from her, but I could barely feel her touch. I felt sick at the thought that I had just messed up another thing in Razeen’s life. I should never have returned. My uncle was right to erase me – I destroy everything I touch.

I pulled my arm from her grip and walked away from her. I walked quickly down the hill. The force of Kelly's body almost knocked me off my feet. She had run down the hill at full speed to keep up. She grabbed my face and pulled my gaze to her tear-fractured eyes.

"Tammy, I don’t want him. I want you! Please! Ons kan weg-" she begged, but I wouldn't let her run away. I couldn’t.

"No! We are not going anywhere! I'm not stealing anyone else from my brother!" I said with an unexpected severity in my voice. She looked hollow.

I took that moment to run away from her. I was a coward. But I would rather be a coward than a monster. I had already cost my brother his parents. It would be unforgivable for me to rob him of his wife as well.

Fuck you, Oya, for blessing me with one hand and stabbing me with the other.

By the time morning came, Lucas had promised to drive like Vin Diesel, and I had given my grandma a lifetime's worth of hugs. The entire village had piled into the ancient church. I decided to check on the groom to be.

He was standing in front of the wall-length mirror fiddling with his tie. He had fixed his tie and flattened his corkscrews countless times since I’d entered the room. I put my hand on top of his shoulder. He finally looked up at me and gave me a tight-lipped smile. I redid his tie and straightened the lapels of his coat and added a bulb of Erica to his breast pocket as the final touch. He should have a piece of his mother with him on his big day.

"She's here! My future granddaughter!" my ma announced gleefully from the other room. Her voice had a way of piercing through even the most stubborn walls. I tried not to laugh at my grandmother's girly tone. It was kinda cute how excited she was for Zeen. It was a good day. It was his special day.

I watched my brother take a deep breath before turning to me. I gave him a soft smile that I hoped would convey all the support and love he needed. I opened the door to allow him to join his father, the Chief, at the altar. I watched my uncle put a heavy hand on his shoulder and pat him, pride radiating from the older man. They really were the perfect picture of the bond between a father and son. My gran was beaming at them. I was beyond happy for them. For their family.

I didn’t join them. I had tainted the day too much already. I needed to leave them to their happiness and return home. I had overstayed my welcome.

I slipped out of the back door and towards the house as the bride arrived. I caught a glimpse of Kelly in her taupe gown with her hair wrapped in a beautiful headscarf. She looked beautiful, and before long her smile would brighten again. 

I reached the house and packed the last of my things into my case. When my family returned home, they would find my bed as I had found it. Lucas would be there within the hour, and then I would be a memory again. It would be as if I had never returned. Save for my letter. That will be the only proof that I was there. It would read:

Thank you for letting me be a part of your family for a little while. I'm sorry I couldn't stay for the ceremony, but I need to go home. I'm sorry we didn't get to say goodbye, but I have never really been good at those. I pray the gods will continue to smile down on you and yours.

PS, Zeeny, you are going to be a great chief and even greater husband – I wish you all the love in the world, beloved cousin.

- love Tamsyn