Tatiana Mattew
Part One
I look at myself in front of the mirror. Even though I feel beautiful with my wedding dress on, I can’t help feeling sad about the decision someone else made for me, the one my father has made to wed me to a man I’ve only met once. I will become the mother of a little boy who lost his birth mother at birth. I am not ready for that kind of thing. Although I grieve for a poor widower situation, I can’t help but feel distressed and melancholy about my position.
“Get that look off your face, Tati. You’ll see that everything will be all right,” I hear my mother say to me as she tries to adjust my veil.
She decided to dress me in everything to see how I’ll look tomorrow.
“I just don’t understand why this is the only solution,” I grumble, even though I know it’s no use anymore.
In less than twenty-four hours, I’m getting married.
I still haven’t talked to Lucian. I made plans to meet him tonight.
I look at my mother again. I know it seems like I’m begging, but it’s not what I want.
I don’t want to be pitied.
I don’t want to get married!
“You know it’s the only way to keep our house. Do you want us to be homeless? Because that’s what will happen if you don’t marry that poor widower.”
“He’s not a poor widower. He’s shit out of money.”
“Tatiana! Don’t express yourself like that. You sound like a tramp.” With mom, I have never been able to be or express myself the way I wanted to.
To her, both Teresa and I will always be the girls she gave birth to and changed diapers for years. We will never be old enough to decide what to do and what not to do.
“You are cutting off my wings. You’re ruining my one true love relationship. Doesn’t it hurt that I’ll break Lucian’s heart? Have you thought about that, Mom?”
She pulls away a little and ducks her gaze. I can feel her embarrassed.
And it’s no wonder.
“We’re not trying to hurt you. We’re sure that... that this gentleman will be good to you.”
“You don’t know him! You don’t know what he’s like! What if he’s a bloodthirsty man? A depraved man who rents me out by the hour to his friends?”
“But what things you say, Tati. Magghio is not depraved. You don’t know him either. While we should not....”
I approach her and interrupt her by grabbing her shoulders, shaking her as if she were a doormat.
“You nothing!” I yell. “Nothing! You don’t know him either. How is it that you could sell me out like this? Do I have anything to say? Is it up to me to just accept it? Does that depend on whether or not I’m a good daughter?”
My mother doesn’t know what to answer me, so she just looks at me with her embarrassed almond eyes. She knows it’s wrong, I know it, even my father, with all the assurance he wanted to show me the day before, knows it too: this is all a nuisance, a stupidity and, most of all, an abuse. An abuse on his part against my trust, abuse on the part of that man who intends to marry me to pay off my father’s debts and get a mother for his orphaned son. A woman who I am sure will only want me to be in the extreme care of her little boy, like a servant, like a nanny. I have not been able to object to this situation. My heart is pounding, knowing that I will not be able to refute anything in the future. I will be his. I will be nothing more than a commodity for Darío the Shady One.
I’m wearing the dress, trying it on to be perfect tomorrow, my mother has had it made. When she handed it to me, I immediately suspected that this wedding was not planned overnight. It wasn’t planned out of the blue. They knew that something like this would happen with me and that they would make that decision long before they consulted me, as they did not have the delicacy to consider my feelings at any time.
I cannot swear that I am in love with Lucian. But, still, he does not deserve this. After all these years together, I leave him for another man, for one I have not seen. One with whom I have not spoken, with whom I only crossed a glance that sent shivers down my spine and that every time I remembered his eyes fixed on me. I felt as if my spine was run down by a tiny centipede, one that I could not touch and that I felt deep inside me in every vertebra.
That’s what the glimpse of the Shady One felt like that day.
And for many days to come.
That’s why I knew there was no doubt: I would never be happy with that man.
Was there no other contestant for the position of substitute wife?
I am horrified by the cruelty of my thoughts.
But I just don’t feel like myself.
I can no longer think delicately and kindly.
“How long have you known I was going to marry this man?” I question my mother. I see her blink, surprised and scared. “I knew it,” I mumble. “This isn’t a twenty-four-hour thing. You guys already had it figured out!”
“We didn’t want to do it. We gave the whole thing so much thought, but it’s just that he came up to us a few months ago and proposed this... I said no right away. I had no idea your father had entered this world!”
“What world?! I deserve to know, Mom. Because of you, I’m about to marry someone I don’t love.”
“Love is relative that is built over time.”
“Don’t philosophize on me, Mom. Don’t give me that therapy. Two hundred years ago, your words would have convinced any foolish woman with few brain cells. We’re not in that era where people married to favor both families.”
“You are wrong, Tatiana. Those times, as you call it, will never go out of fashion.”
My mother is wearing a gray cotton dress, half-sheer, that reaches below her knees. The sleeves are short but not demonstrative. Josefyn has always dressed in this demure and conservative. The only extrovert is my sister Teresa.
Thinking about her, I worry. I don’t want them to do the same to her.
I express this to my mother, who freaks out.
“Of course not! What do you think we’re doing? That we’re raising you to sell you? To make a profit with you? Can’t you see this is hard for us? Be less oblivious, Tatiana!”
Every word of hers makes me angrier. All I feel like is digging a hole and sticking my head in until it all passes.
“What will I do when he wants to sleep with me? What will I tell him if he wants to have another child?” I inquire so that my mother will finally understand the gravity of this situation I’ve been put in.
However, her response does not reassure me. Quite the contrary, it only defeats me.
“You will be his wife, and you wil l do your duty in every sense of the word wife.”
“You can’t possibly be considering leaving,” Teresa snaps as she sees me with a suitcase on the bed and clothes strewn all over the room.“I can’t stay, Tere. I can’t be here, and I can’t marry a man I don’t love, one I don’t even know. This is just stupid!”I’ve spent the whole day in a fury. My wedding planning was long before I found out. Not days, weeks ago. That man had already come to negotiate with my father and tried to have me as if I were a stove you could buy or a refrigerator you see in an appliance store. When he made his choice, he made up his mind and said, “This is the one I want to take.”He treated me like an object from the
Tonight, I put on my perfume and a pale green strapless dress, which, according to Teresa, highlights my eyes. My hair is light brown, almost blonde, and gives the impression of having golden highlights, but I have never colored it.It scares me a little to talk to Lucian and find out what the hell my sister meant when she said I couldn’t trust him. She didn’t exactly mean it in those words. However, doubt implanted itself in my brain. Now I can only think that he is hiding something from me and that he acted in a way that may affect me or affect our relationship. I am afraid to know that what I thought I had with him was not true.I never wanted to be stuck in this town. Because it is so removed from civilization, characterized by being accustomed to stability, both emotionally and economically, no one loses their homes and suffers from a lack of food since everyone knows each other. If someone is in trouble, he will always have the helping hand of a neigh
I leave the room after listening to her and giving her the attention I should give her a month ago. I put Teresa to bed. I will never stop blaming myself for not noticing the small details, those crossed glances, those involuntary movements, the suspicion and hatred my sister had for my ex-boyfriend. Now I know.I want hell itself to swallow me up and take me for a sinner since I can’t imagine what that man could have done if I hadn’t arrived at the lake that day if I hadn’t arrived on time.Teresa told me that that evening, after six o’clock, she threw stones in the lake while she was thinking about getting out of town. She felt that this place was not for her. She told me how Lucian tried to kiss her several times. Then, she calmly asked him to stop, as he was with me and, more than anything else, she would ne
For a moment, I am speechless. I don’t know how to respond to such words. It seems taken out of a romantic novel, one of those where the couple lives happily ever after, where there are no barbarians who hurt or a Lucian who tries to abuse your sister, where parents don’t offer you as a sacrifice to pay their debts.One of those novels with endings apotheosically full of love.“It’s a bit of a corny phrase.” I play hard to get, even though I feel like my heart has turned to butter: melted by this stranger. I smile at how he makes me feel.“Corny or not, you’ve smiled.” He takes a step closer.Our breaths come together in silence.I can&rsquo
I awake to horrible pain and the singing of an early morning mockingbird.Slowly my consciousness falls to account for my previous night.“Oh, God!” I mutter as I rise from the green grass, which is damp with the dawn. It watches me, gossiping.I look everywhere. The coast is clear.I adjust my dress, which almost revealed a nipple.What the hell did I do?My sandals are on the side, delicately placed. I slip them on without blinking.Was it a dream? A beautiful dream, but no more than that? A dream of fantasies and wishes fulfilled!My curiosity is stronger than my modesty, so,
I stroll into the chapel, a place I used to visit only on Sundays with my parents. The day seems like any other day, although my heart screams at me that it is not like that, that from today I will change. My life will change completely. I will be from now on Mrs. Magghio, a full-fledged woman, a wife, and stepmother to a little baby. I will have no say over that house, over that home. As much as I try to pull myself together from this torture, I cannot help biting my lips to avoid crying. Secluded in the castle of the Shady One, fear tightens my chest and prevents me from breathing properly. The air does not reach my lungs easily, and I feel myself suffocating with every step I take. Meanwhile, the wedding march begins to play, but for me, it is a funeral march.
I enter my new home. The castle is full of dust, and the walls look like they haven’t been cleaned in months. There is not a single painting anywhere, no pictures, no portraits, nothing to indicate that a happy family lived here once.“Welcome,” I hear when Dario opens the door.Although that word must make me feel comfortable and at ease, the truth is that I assimilate it more like a welcome to the dungeon, like in the movies when they take you to jail, and the guard says, “Enjoy your stay.”I can’t cry again!The dinner ended, my family gave me a blessing and congratulated me on my recent marriage. I am now Tatiana Magghio, wife of the
Dario scrutinizes me for a few seconds before handing me over to Dante. I guess he’s pondering whether or not it’s appropriate for me to hold his son in my arms.I understand.He’s been alone these past few months.It’s something that, as coldly as he expresses it, I know it must not have been easy to raise the baby alone and come to terms with the loss of his wife in the same way.“Do you know how to hold babies?”“No.” I can’t help but be honest. I’ve never held children after adulthood.With my sister, me being three years older, I don’t remember if I ever carried her at all. But, nevertheless, I ha