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22. Sawyer
Last Updated:
2024-10-29 19:42:56
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Resisting the Beta 23. Sawyer
When I’m capable of thinking, I sometimes stare down at my blistered, ruined wrists and find it droll that Phoebe and I now share matching scars. Confessing to Phoebe how I felt weak standing before the Alpha’s, pink blossoms still tickling my ears, seems naive now.. I know the true meaning of the word after weeks of wolfsbane and silver. Powdered wolfsbane is added to everything I eat. It’s bitter, disgusting flavour lingers for hours. Its effects mean Nash hasn’t spoken in weeks. He may never be capable of communicating again. I only eat because I can’t just wither away without seeing her again. "Give it up, Sawyer, you’re pissing me off with those noises,” Beta Tucker growls through the wooden door. “You better not be jacking off in there you fucking pervert.” I don’t reply, too busy panting from grisly sets of press-ups and Russian twists. There are two Betas behind my door at all times. “I said stop it!” slapping his meaty hands against the door. I don’t blame him. I’d
Resisting the Beta 24. Phoebe
Being curled up with the warmth of Sawyer around my body was perfect. No stress, no worries. Not even Huli’s mocking laugh could take away from the delicious exhaustion of a night spent entwined with Sawyer. I don’t want invisible sparks jumping between us. I don’t trust the way wolves can transmit emotions back and forth over a bond. I want the steady, undeniable truth of two people curled up together. Hearts beating, gentle breathing. The warmth of true affection. I don’t even know what I was dreaming about, but I felt the trapdoor go. All the air vanished from my lungs. The sensation of being trapped underwater seized me in the darkness. There was no time, no space, no awareness of anything other than feeling completely alone. Then movement. Jolting, awkwardness that saw me pinballing around a black void. There was no pain. just a numb, irritatingly vague feeling. Am I dead? “Phoebe, calm the fuck down, you’re annoying me.” The voice was mine. Hushed and angry. But defin
Resisting the Beta 25. Sawyer
The drive over to White Forest was hellish. But then, I’m not being sent there to enjoy Nikolai’s sparkling hospitality. Two guards on me at all times. Instructions to kill should I try to shift. White Forest had slightly better cells. Three grey, solid stone walls and one silver-reinforced gridded metal wall. The entrance, a slender stone staircase, just to the side of the huge vaulted hall. White Forest parades it’s prisoners through the main foyer precisely, so nobody forgets who the criminals are. No anonymity here. Everyone stops and stares as Nikolai and his guards march me through. Once deposited into a cell, I am abandoned. Instead, I could look through the iron and silver bars down a slim, narrow corridor to the guards station. More miserable grey stone walls. There were no other prisoners, the other cells echoed with grim silence. No other prisoners because they don’t keep them long at White Forest? The first few days, I waited for the drop. For the storm of footst
Resisting the Beta 26. Phoebe
No matter how fascinating the human side revealed itself to be, every moment witnessed is tainted. Staggering technology, towns carved out of black and white marble. Glimmering quartz statues. Yesterday was a series of aqueducts spanning jaw-dropping valleys. They left me numb. It didn’t stop Huli making me gasp like a spoilt child getting a pony at every turn. “Oh my, it is like something out of a fairy story. Look at those arches!” I cooed before catching Wren’s fearsome, all-black side-eye. “Vines down them too, how stunning! I don’t think I know of a building to compare!” My voice is appallingly gushing. “White Forest Castle? The Academy? Buildings that have stood for hundreds of years under identical architectural principles? The ivy will be damaging the brickwork, eventually they will soon be unstable,” Wren grumbles under her breath. It is a bizarre experience to cringe at what my body is doing outside my control. It is similar to watching a rudderless boat run agro
Resisting the Beta 27. Sawyer
They never said they believed me, but the wolfsbane stopped. Food tasted normal again. I can’t push it and ask for anything else yet. Like actual freedom. The bumblebee pendant never leaves my hand. Genevieve and Nikolai continue to come down to the cells, but they aren’t offering me anything other than a life in prison yet. No rumours overturned. Apologies offered. /They are keeping you alive. Who is to say Cillian would have done that. His anger is something I don’t think we can ever overcome./ Nash softly grumbles. It took a few days, but once the wolfsbane eked itself out of my system, Nash reappeared. For the first time, I appreciated his presence, allowing his soothing, warm aura to bring my anxieties down a notch. Nash is pragmatic and realistic, but never doubting in our ability to be a good man. Right now, that means a hell of a lot. We began to spend long hours silently conversing. I tried to discover what he thought of my decisions when I banished him from s
Resisting the Beta 28. Phoebe
Wren leaving saw a cloud cast over everything. Despite Huli still being insanely perky and the dresses growing sheerer. It didn’t change the fact that Heath was holed up in his royal chamber coughing endlessly. Coughing is a mild term for all the spluttering, hacking, wheezing rattles that came from the other side of his locked door. There are no cute excursions for us now. Nobody is free to show Huli a fascinating lump of marble or a fountain shaped like a peacocks opened tail. The mood of the kingdom is driven by its leader, and right now, every human knows King Heath is fragile. Declining. Judging by the firm lines of his slender body, he has tried to build himself back into health. With no shifter healing, he must have been eating beef and lifting weights for months on end. Dragging himself upwards into a pretence of health. Sadly it’s all collapsing now. We have taken to sitting outside his royal chamber. History book and notepad in hand. Not that Huli writes anything.
Resisting the Beta 29. Phoebe
“Rami? Our little Rami…to save a human?” Naomi gasps, Finn immediately agreed, both of them scowling. I knew it would go this way. I didn’t bother to argue with Huli about it, mainly so I could stay present. My big sister and Finn match in black vests and dark pants, the bulge of daggers clear against both of their hips. I wore a beige, dress made of long intertwined strips of fabric. Normal in Lanfear, bizarre at home. Alpha Cillian completes our group, his expression as stern as when we accused Sawyer. Followed by guards from the instant we crossed over into the human border, my arrival home had been greeted by one seriously pissed off welcome party. That was before we asked for Rami’s tender little throat and wolf. Cedric loomed over our conversation, mounted in the silver-clad carriage, a silver-tipped crossbow loaded. Heath shuddered and shook in the back, turning greyer by the second, draped in royal blue. The pure ice of Huli reminds me she is not of this world. “
Resisting the Beta 30. Sawyer
Time is eating away at me. Standing idle in the centre of the White Forest castles courtyard in my black hooded cloak is not ideal, but I need a plan. Wren catches up to me, a little out of breath. “Nikolai and Genevieve are going to the Full Moon dance tomorrow night. They’re going to tell Cillian everything then, so you’ll have twenty-four hours to get a head start.” “And the Feast Day-” struggling to even complete the phrase and all its connotations, “-is definitely the day after the Full Moon?” “Yes. So we have a little bit of time. Phoebe needs you to be composed. Because you’re not fighting some witch or angry Beta. If her wolf is truly behind all this, then you’re dealing with something far more intelligent than any of us.” “But she cannot harm you?” rubbing my chin in thought. “Not with Dark Arts anyway. She can not affect humans either. It is manipulation of the wolf spirit. The curses and chants force them to abandon the Moon Goddess. To serve a darker force that h
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Resisting the Beta Epilogue Four
Naomi (Continued) “I meant to ask you something,” Finn murmurs sleepily as we watch yet another shooting star go by. “Did it bother you that we never had a ceremony?” “No…no it just never felt the right time, then we had been together so long it almost didn’t matter?” “It’s a shame. Your sisters had all promised to walk together.” “We did it for Matilda. If things had gone differently, we would have walked for Eleanor and Rhett, but it all broke apart. I'm just glad we all found happiness, even if it wasn't in the same town square.” “Did Sia give you an address for Eleanor?” “Yes but I left it alone in the end. She knows where we are. She’s made a choice a long time ago,” I whisper sadly, clutching my King’s hand tightly. I know every wrinkle and line in his muscular frame. I could make his replica out of clay in every pose. The feel of his body is a memory I constantly revisit. “I found my memory box the other day when we were packing,” I add. “I didn’t know you had o
Resisting the Beta Epilogue Three
Naomi It’s been fifty years since we took over as Alpha and Luna this full moon. Fifty years. Time has the cruellest ability to just vanish from underneath your feet. I swear I was a feisty, opinionated, quad-bike obsessed woman in her twenties just the other day. Now, creeping upon me like a riptide, I'm a content, slow-moving little fossil. I’m his girl, his Queen. He is my King. Now and forever. The quad-bike-revving beast of a man who only ever cares for us. I love the fact I’m still his girl even as time eats away at our vitality. My hair is no longer fiery red. I’ve conceded to grey. He insists it only makes my brown eyes all the prettier. I’d blush, except I love every word he says. I still find any opportunity to stand above him and bring my face to his, marvelling at the lack of wrinkles on his relaxed, still-boyish features. We’re currently down on the very south of the Shadowlands coast, in Finn’s old family home, left to him by his parents. I wonder if all o
Resisting the Beta Epilogue Two
*** SEVEN MONTHS LATER*** PHOEBE It is strange when the life you thought you always wanted lands in your lap. Except they don’t feed your soul. I lecture students on human and shifter history. An expert in my bitterly-learned field. The contrasting versions of events. The dangers of automatically believing the only side of the story you have access to. The fact history is always told from the side of the winner. I stride the corridors, my wedding band and bumblebee pendant permanently part of me. But it’s not enough. Jane and Wren are so incredibly kind. The hours I've spent talking through Huli and those momths with them have been cathartic. Even so, they know Rising Star isn’t what I want. Not without Sawyer. Of course, it would have been ungrateful to protest at Alpha Finn’s decision. Two people voted for me to die. Including my own sister. Alpha Finn saved me whilst yanking Sawyer away. It’s been seven months, yet every night, I lie awake. I think of the same mom
Resisting the Beta Epilogue One
*** 7 MONTHS LATER *** ALPHA FINN “Alpha!” That fake-serious, minx of a voice forces me to pause. Not ideal when halfway across the Jackson’s roof, retrieving Rami’s misplaced arrow. Again. Considering he is meant to be an archery prodigy, he seems to fire it up into that thatched cottage’s eaves with annoying regularity. “This is your fault, Luna!” I shout back, fully aware of her laughing from the packhouse. When she sends a bolt of seriously dirty thoughts across our bond, I almost put my foot into the chimney. Thankfully, Diane is with Beta Tucker again, straightening out his boredom-driven drinking via pure seduction. "IT WAS ME!” Rami adds with glee. Naomi innocently claims the practice targets Rami uses simply must face the Jackson’s cottage. I don’t argue. Not when my girl slinks around in dark bodysuits that leave my hands twitching to wrap around her waist. I have no arguments, only desires. Any argument she has formulating just vanishes away at the soun
Resisting the Beta 45. Phoebe
My mouth drops open, but there is nothing to say. Nikolai doesn’t suffer the same issue. “Now just fuck off a minute-” but Cillian doesn’t even flinch. Zeke and Freya step forward, their eyes wide with surprise. "You haven't discussed this with us?" “Look, my father was never born an Alpha. He rose. He proved himself. Calm in danger, braver than any of his peers. Any Shadowlands Alpha should follow the same route. I haven't. I've made it this far by the skin of my teeth. So I want you all to endorse and support and give your backing to Finn. Alpha Finn Penkov and his Luna, Naomi Kharkov of the Shadowlands.” The only person to make a sound is Rami, who starts clapping wildly and shouting “KING FINN! King Finn and Prince Rami! Haha, I'm in charge!!” He doesn’t seem to realise everyone else is in complete shock. He’s just thrilled his favourite person in the world is getting a promotion. And by default, in his eyes anyway, himself. “Do you accept?” Cillian says, not really givin
Resisting the Beta 44. Phoebe
The truck ride certainly gave me time to think. For one, I am eternally grateful Huli was no longer with me. I don’t miss having a wolf. The agony she would have been putting me through had she still held residence in my consciousness made me instinctively reach for my wrist. The only sign of that former life, one that could be years ago instead of just a few months, is a faint, grey scar on my wrist. It used to be so red and angry. Now, it has settled down to almost nothing. Genevieve picked up on it whilst she came to say goodbye. “I know you’re scared.” “I am. But only because it’s what I deserve.” “Well, if it helps, Nikolai and I are attending this meeting too. Cillian has asked for Rising Star as well.” "Oh." That absolutely does not help in any way. It only means Matilda will have even less influence. It makes me think Cillian is preparing to make an example of me. Genevieve has been kind enough to lend me a cornflower blue and white gown. Its swirling blue remi
Resisting the Beta 43. Sawyer
Nikolai explained, in a much more brutal and dickish way than was necessary, that we only got one night's stay at White Forest Castle. After all, he has sworn to help Alpha Cillian and Zeke, the pair of them bound in a trio of voting and veto. I don't care. We have each other right now. Every day seems to be swinging us to the extremes, and now we are just waiting for the biggest and hopefully final one to go our way. “I think we need to switch our brains off for a while,” Phoebe sighed, our brown dust-covered bodies flopping onto the bed of our small little room. “I can’t keep thinking about next week. It will drive me insane.” “Cillian could just exile us. Or maybe be so taken up in making Heath pay that we are nothing to him. Matilda will have an influence.” “I killed my mother and put him, Naomi and Finn into a trance. I stole a child…” “Not you. Your fucking wolf. You were just the vessel,” I sigh, too weary to go round the grisly roulette wheel. Phoebe rolls herself
Resisting the Beta 42. Phoebe
Clutching his silver goblet, our nameless, very-well rested hostage was almost chirpy, insisting he had a brother in law in the next town he could call on for a ride. But Sawyer shook his head when the time came to abandon him in the dark. “No…no it’s not right to take this. Can you drop us at the border? Keep the truck.” “From here, your nearest pack is Rising Star?” “That works just fine,” Sawyer replied. Walking through the night, keeping away from the towns and villages, Sawyer found us fresh water to drink, before killing and cooking a fish over a small fire. I’m probably endlessly naive, but to me, it was a perfect night. Because finally, there was not a single obstruction to just being with Sawyer. The man who patiently explained how you can catch a fish bare-handed. Explaining why he purposely ignored one section of the river, walking another mile upstream. I said nothing when he stripped to his underwear to stand in the shallows. I whooped and laughed instead when
Resisting the Beta 41. Sawyer
I felt Phoebe’s fear rise at the sight of Cillian. I saw a chance. Our opportunity to finally put things right. I just need him to listen to me instead of immediately heading to decapitation. His wolf's eyes were entirely golden, burning anger at the forefront of his intent. Cillian didn't even attempt diplomacy. No Shadowland envoys to King Heath, not even a personal visit to Bridgend to ask if there was truth in any rumours. He’s ended up straight here, shifted into wolf form, and shredded his way through at least twenty human men. What if this isn't the first prison he's tried? What will be the fallout from the Alpha's desperation? I couldn’t get Matilda’s cell unlocked in time. The heavy collection of black and silver keys was impossible to gauge. With the gag still in her mouth, Matilda wasn’t coming to our aid anytime soon. Plus, I know how it feels to be obliterated by wolfsbane. Sluggish, dopey. She might not even believe this is even real if they’ve really pum
