6. Embrace of belongingness

[Zeve’s POV]

My chest hurts. My head hurts. 

I snapped open my eyes with a sharp gasp. Panting, I looked at Amor. His hands were on my chest while he straddled my waist. I pushed him on the other side and got down from the bed in a hurry.

“What the hell are you doing?” I yelled at him, covering my chest with my hands. 

He looked behind me and said, “I don’t think she is dying any time soon.”

I turned back with a jolt, and Lucella stood there gaping at me. She had a pestle in her hand and a few herbs in her other hand.

“You… are you ok?” she asked as if she was expecting me to not be ok.

My clothes were loosely draped around my body. I gathered them and held them together over my chest. I was trying to remember what had happened after the ball, but couldn’t. I stepped back until my back was against the wall. 

“Zeve. It’s not what you think it is. Although it may look like that, but trust me, it’s not. Amor was giving you chest compressions because you had stopped breathing for over twenty minutes.” Lucella said cautiously. “Amor, please give us some privacy.” She looked at him and so did I, from the corner of my eyes.

He got down from the bed, glancing at me, and then left with a sigh.

Lucella reached out to me.

“D-don’t touch me.” Feeble words escaped my lips.

“Ok, I won’t. I am a doctor, Zeve. I am here to talk to you. We can be friends. It’s your wish, completely yours, ok?” she said, raising her hands to her shoulder, showing that she meant no harm.

“M-my clothes…”

“Like I said, you weren’t breathing, so I loosened them. Amor is a complete stupid in treating people, but I needed his strength for the chest compressions so…” she shrugged. “Nothing else. I can assure you.”

“I-I remember nothing that happened after the ball… after he…” I hesitated. “After he danced with me…”

“You don’t?” She placed the pestle and herbs on the medicine table and came closer to me. “Zeve, you remember nothing about your panic attack?”

I shook my head, still not looking into her eyes.

“Oh. Umm… well… there are many things that happened, but since you don’t remember, that means your body doesn’t want you to remember. It’s not a problem though. But one thing you should know is — Amor stayed by your side all that time.”

I looked into her eyes and she smiled softly. That was the first time I had seen her smile, and she was gorgeous.

“Why did he?” I asked.

“Because you hugged him and wouldn’t let go.” she chuckled slightly then wore a serious expression again.

“What? No! That’s impossible! That man! Never! I-I…”

“It’s ok, Zeve. Calm down. In episodes like these, it’s normal to not recognize people. Not a big deal,” she slowly placed her hand on my bare shoulder. Her hands were rather warm, just like her presence. She was warm and healing. 

She made me sit on the bed and checked me thoroughly. “What else did I do? Did I hurt someone?”

“No. You didn’t. Should I help you wear your gown?”

“No, I can do it on my own, t-thank you.”

“Ok. I need to get some herbs. As you can see, I don’t enjoy having maids around me, so I sent them away. The nurse is in her highness’ chamber. I will go visit her highness real quick and come back. Meanwhile, you can change.”

“Her highness? A-are you talking about lady Ella? What happened to her?”

 “Old age.” Lucella smiled, placed her hand on my shoulder and said, “rest well, I will be back.” She left.

Why should I be bothered about his family? Not that I care. But lady Ella was so warm… whatever! I need to escape this place and that Amor Blaze. I thought.

But his scent lingered all over me and around my room as if he had never left. I looked at the door. Is he standing outside? Of course not. Why would he? He pushed me down the stairs, right?

Maybe I tripped on my own. I don’t remember… but…

My head hurt again. I held my head and stopped trying to think about that night and the day after that.

I walked to the white closet with intricate golden carvings and fetched a light cotton gown. I stood in front of the mirror and changed, but I couldn’t tie the lace of the gown from the back.

I didn’t know why my fingers trembled, making it difficult for me to lace my gown. I was dizzy too. 

I stumbled. My hand swept across a flower vase near the dressing table. It crashed on the floor with a loud sound.

I heard the door creak open. “Zeve!”

I turned around and saw Amor standing in front of me. In my constantly wavering vision, I tried to fix my gaze on him, but I was at my limits. 

“Lucella said the medicine might cause drowsiness…”

I couldn’t see his face or his expressions. But I knew he must be angry. A few minutes later, I felt his hands on my waist. He turned me around, my back facing him.

“What the hell are you doing? Don’t touch… ah!” My head hurt so badly that I couldn’t even manage to speak in a slurry tone.

I felt his fingers touch my back now and then as he tied the laces of my gown. 

“What are you… doing…”

He lifted me in his arms and made me lie on the bed. Even though I wanted to keep my eyes open, they closed on their own.

“Don’t… touch me… I hate…”

“Yeah. Yeah. I know you hate me. Hate me more, Zeve. Enough to forget…” He whispered in my ears. His breaths tickled my neck. I didn’t hear his voice after that. Maybe he said something or maybe he didn’t.

I didn’t care anymore. I fell asleep.

“Amor, I don’t think this is the right time to put her under any more pressure. I think she has an entire history in Uhnim. I don’t know what those scumbags put her through for her to be like this.”

“Oh, come on! All this can be her just putting up an act to cause trouble for me…”

“Amor! Being a doctor, I can guarantee you. No matter how brilliant someone is in acting, they can never feign a chronic trauma with their complete body. If you can’t help her cure, don’t make it worse for her either.”

He grunted. “Just tell me how long it will take to ‘cure’ her?” 

“Amor! How can you be this heartless?”

“I neither have a heart nor time to begin with. Cure her fast.”

“It’s not physical trauma that I can see how deep it is and cure her in a few days. It’s a mental trauma she has been through for years. I don’t know how deep and chronic that is. No one knows, not even Zeve. She is already at her limits…”

“Nothing like mental trauma exists. It’s just an illusion…”

“Oh really? I am a doctor here. You don’t teach me. Mental traumas are worse than physical ones. I think you know that better than…”

“Shut up. Do as much as is necessary.”

“Tsk! If you try to push her anymore, I will complain to her highness. She is enraged at you, anyway.”

“I will handle her. Don’t bother yourself. The rest of them are returning to Arginieth in a few days. You will return with them, too.”

“I am not leaving her alone with a man like you.”

“Lucella, I did not give you a choice. It was an order.”

“Alpha Amor Blaze, you can behead me for my insolence, but I am not returning to the Aura castle. Not until I make sure Zeve is ok.”

Amor sighed, “why do you have to be so stubborn? If you weren’t…”

“If I weren’t your childhood friend, I wouldn’t be standing here with my head on my neck. Isn’t it?”

“It’s no use talking to you.”

“I am sure her highness won’t return either. Because we both don’t trust you anymore.”

“Why are you even bothered? Do you know her? Is she your relative?” His voice was filled with annoyance.

“She is my patient. Is that a good enough reason?”

“Don’t play smart with me, Lucella. She is none of your business. Cure her within a week. After that, I will not wait any longer. She is ready or not, she will have to go to the temple with me.” He said angrily and left the room.

I was awake. Hearing them talk, I pretended to be asleep. I could hear Lucella’s angry breaths. She banged the medicine table. I heard the glass clatter. Sighing, she placed her fingers on my pulses.

“I will never know what goes on in his head. All these years he showed no interest in marriage, girls and suddenly he brings a lady who trembles at slightest noise, declares he is going to marry her at the family ball and expects us to understand him.” She talked to herself. “How do I cure her completely in one week?”

“Oh, no!” She got up with a jolt. “I am so sorry, Zeve. Did I wake you up?”

“No. I was awake all this time. You don’t need to worry about me.”

“How can I not?”

“I am fine.” The bitterness in my heart for Amor salted all my wounds afresh. “I have endured until now. I can endure a little more. Please don’t worry about me. He might do something to you because of me. I don’t want that to happen to my first friend ever.”

She peered at me as I sat up on the bed, resting my head on the headboard. She lifted my hand in her palms, “don’t worry about me. I know he won’t harm me. You called me your friend right now, so I want you to know that I am here. Whatever it is, you can always talk to me. I will listen to you so you can just come to me and talk about whatever is weighing on you. It’s not just for today, but maybe for a lifetime. If you want to bear me for that long.”

She shrugged with a chuckle.

I smiled at her, and I don’t know why I started crying.

“Oh my, why are you crying? Did I say something…”

“No. You said something that I had been longing to hear for years. Thank you. Even if you don’t mean it, thank you for saying those words to me. I really really really needed them. I will treasure them for a lifetime for sure…”

“I meant them. Every word.” She held my hand in hers and looked into my eyes. “I am a doctor, so I am always a little busier than normal people. But if you need me, whenever, just call me and I will be there for you, hmm?”

I smiled through the tears streaming down my face and nodded.

The heaviness in my heart prevented words from leaving my lips, but Lucella hugged me and I didn’t feel the need for words anymore. I just hugged her back tighter.

I had never had friends, and I always wondered how it felt to have one true friend. Now I knew. It felt warm and caressing. Lucella’s embrace gave me a sense of belongingness, something I had never had in my twenty-two years of life.

I always affirmed what others said, put them and their opinions before me, moulded myself to survive among them. It had been my life. To stay alive, I had completely lost my identity.

 “I know it’s difficult for you to open up. But please do nothing you might regret later. I know it’s difficult today, but believe that tomorrow will be better. I don’t judge people; I don’t mock them. So rest assured. All I will ever do is hear you out. I don’t know what you have been through. I might not understand you, but I promise I will always be there for you.”

 I didn’t understand the sudden throb in my chest. Those words were painful and comforting at the same time. Maybe because when I wanted to hear those words the most, no one was around to say them to me. 

“Yule! You can’t go there!”

“Run, brother, before she catches us!”

“Jade! Yule! If brother Amor came to know that both of you bothered his bride, he would be furious!”

“No! He won’t be!”

Several voices came from the hallway outside my room. 

“Oh, it must be prince Yule and Jade and princess Celeste.” Lucella opened the door and three adorable kids stood around her. “Why are you kids here? Don’t you know Lady Zeve is not well? Go back to your rooms and play.”

“No, we won’t! Yule and Jade are on an imperial mission to deliver a gift to lady Zeve.” The two boys said in unison.

 “A gift? From whom?” Lucella asked.